Quote from: Petunia on June 22, 2026, 11:19:01 PMI still don't know who/what I really am (or maybe I'm just kidding myself)
This is the part that jumped off the page for me. Before I go there, I appreciated all the approaches others had to the wife issue. I'm loving that, too. I think she is coming around.
It took years for me to know who I really am and I believe I needed to address the questions I had about myself first. My feelings and story over my lifetime is similar to yours.
I've been seeing a therapist for a few months. She of course would not define my gender, but it became rapidly obvious that I am trans with period of fear/denial.
But I'm ahead of myself. The question is, "How do we know ourselves and our gender?"
1. I had to resolve issues from my childhood that were affecting me today. A therapist could have done this but I don't have the money for frequent therapy appointments. I utilized an inner child workbook, with some limited access to therapy. It really helped. I hadn't realized that my fairly normal childhood was fraught with issues. Be careful with your choice of books if you take this route. One popular book was written by someone opposed to LGBTQ and it want immediately obvious.
2. I journaled extensively. I hate journaling. What worked for me was using an AI for my journaling so I could do a little less volume of writing and not worry about language rules or spelling. I could use voice to text and just ramble. I didn't relay on it for therapy but it would reflect back and I would correct, modify, or write more. I stayed clear about my experiences, feelings, and thoughts. I found this more helpful and engaging than just writing.
3. I next used a gender workbook (You and Tour Gender Identity was the title, I think). It was life changing. The exercises clarified my jumble of thoughts and feelings, especially when journaling with AI. I can't emphasize the value of this process enough. I had been alternating between think I was teams and wondering if I was deciding myself. Was I deluded? Was I a CD and not trans? Was I nonbinary? Was I chasing a euphoric high and thinking it was an identity? But it felt good, right. It sometimes felt like me. This book helped my stop spinning madly and establish truths.
4. I found community. Online connections like Susan's. A local group gently titled "Genderquest" with no gate keeping. I carefully broached the subject with trusted friends and family. Often they already suspected and they immediately supported. I could breathe again.
5. I have the fortune/misfortune of being an addict. 12 Step tools had helped me reflect on my myself and now I used this approach to understand my gender journey. I found "gender nonconforming" meetings where everyone was looking at both gender and addiction. This helped my see that I had not fully seen myself as a woman much less accepted that.
6. Like you, I started with leaning female only in hidden ways like panties and pantyhose. I kept increasing this through barely visible changes. I found I could not turn back and didn't want to turn back. I adjusted and so did those around me. When I finally told people I was trans they smiled. They had known a long time. When I wore a skirt to work (I used to change into it in the car so I dint have to wear it at home), it felt like everyone wa thinking, "Finally! They have been obviously trans for months."
It had taken two years, but at last I knew who I was. Everyone had seen my slow, gradual changes. My outfits. My tentative pronoun changes. Ways of walking. Barely noticeable voice work. Finally an alternate first name.
I felt better than ever before. My last fears and doubts subsided under HRT.
You are on a personal journey. It's no one else's journey. Not your wife's, even, though she is involved and I understand your focus on her because I did the same thing. That not wrong. What I decided is I needed to explore myself FOR MYSELF and that increased my ability to talk with my wife and to show her how I felt.
We went to Pride together and she saw me fully dressed up out of the house for the first time. She saw my joy. She met people from trans meetings and the LGBTQ community. She heard me called Krista and even heard me introduce myself as Krista. This would have shocked and dismayed her a year ago, but she accepted it. She really saw me.
Issues remain, but hope keeps growing. I wish the same for you, my friend. Your writing is vulnerable, honest, and inspiring.
