Tammy's Crazy Ambitions (Sponsored by Self-Doubt)

[Finally Anna]

I do trust him. I just don't want to risk losing him.

Your life. Your decisions. Your timeline. Not anyone elses. When you are ready, you will know.
💕

[tammy753]

It's confirmed: I curse too much. I am fully aware of it, and I show absolutely no signs of stopping or giving a... well, you know.

I led another day of work training today. You should honestly pity my trainee; I am not a good teacher. However, I do tell wildly inappropriate jokes, so I like to think that makes up for it. I am still waiting for the inevitable call from HR, but I've successfully dodged them for over a decade now—minus my ADA paperwork—so I like my odds.

I am still exhausted after our trip to see the tire exhibit in the river. Get it? Tired and tire. Look, if you don't like bad jokes, you are definitely in the wrong place.

I think I finally figured out what has been making me sick. It wasn't the artificial sweetener, the lettuce, or the sheer horror of talking to other people. I think Red 40 food dye is the culprit. It has been in all of my drinks lately—including my coveted slushies—and I feel a bit lost now. I did the right thing and gave my brother a bag full of all the water flavorings that contain it. We will see if this colon incompatibility is inherited or not this way. Does that make me evil if I don't tell him I figured out that it's the dye and just wait to see if it recruits him into the Rectal Rocketry club?

On a completely unrelated note, my uncontrollable hunger is back. I don't know if this is a side effect of my recent HRT changes, my antidepressant, or just my deep-rooted addiction to junk food. I don't normally keep easy-to-eat food in the house to prevent constant grazing, but I bought enough food for 20 trips with my brother on Wednesday. He didn't take any of it. Do you think I needed three kinds of chips and two packages of cookies for a single lunch? The chips are still here waiting to plug my arteries. And the cookies are daring me to consume them. They are literally chanting in my head: "Eat me, you know you want to. Just one more, we are amazing. If you eat us, we will be together forever. We can fill that void left by your parents." Things are getting weird here and kind of personal.

So, another rambling, unintelligible post complete. And you, once again, read the whole thing. I am going to stop suggesting therapy for your unhealthy habit of listening to me.

Or reading? What is the correct term here? I hear the voice in my head dictating this. Do you hear the voice when you are reading it? Does it tell you to eat another cookie? Because mine is.

[Stottie Girl]

Weirdly I read your words and hear it in a posh english accent Tammy. It must be your self-deprecating humour I reckon!

Stay away from the food dye!!! Damn girl buy some lettuce occasionally! ha ha!

And I thought you loved your brother. Dumping your ilicit nuclear junk food fuel on him is a funny way to show it!

I have a no biscuits in the house rule now as biscuits are my kryptonite. Once I open the packet they're gone by morning. Dangerous things. Also have a no crisps, no booze, no sugary treats, no full fat pop rule too. God I'm boring!

[tammy753]

And I thought you loved your brother. Dumping your ilicit nuclear junk food fuel on him is a funny way to show it!

You don't know, if he is in orbit I might get to see him more. So see that is me expressing "love?".

[Lori Dee ✅]

I firmly believe that if the package isn't resealable, it is ONE SERVING.

Cookies, chips- it doesn't matter. If the manufacturer wanted it to be multiple servings, they would make it so you can close the container. Since they didn't, my weight is on them.

[davina61]

Yes that is why I dont buy crisps, biscuits or cake. One is never enough, I will eat the whole packet.Have mixed fruit and nuts for a nibble.

[tammy753]

I agree, Cookies in a single package is a single serving. They are resealable but I think that is a suggestion.

I don't keep them in the house either but I wanted to make our day fun and he was accommodating my social issues so I wanted to make sure he had food he would want.

[tammy753]

This morning I was taking my HRT. I pulled out my old person wooden box of pills I keep them in—yes, I have a box of pills.

I sat it on the edge of the table because I didn't want to move my glass of water. I took my large bottle of Spiro out of the box and started to get my pill, when gravity (the thing I apparently forgot about) took over, and the large bottle of vitamins caused the entire box to fall off the table.

Overconfident, I tried to catch the box of fully sealed bottles of pills from falling 30 inches to the ground—where they would have been perfectly fine—all while holding a half-full, open bottle of pills in my hand.

This caused the pills to explode out of the bottle like an atomic bomb. Then on impact, they ran like school children at recess across the floor.
So I had to spend 30 minutes playing "where the _______ did my pills go?"

Speaking of disasters, I keep thinking my planned move to Pueblo will be a complete disaster, mostly for the great people of Colorado, and possibly for me. I've fallen into that thing where I think about all the possible things that could go wrong, and then I just sit there dwelling on only those things.
You know, silly things—like it's at 4,000 feet and I live in Ohio where it's not that many feet. I could look up the exact number, but that means I tried really hard to write this, and we know that's not happening today.

Side thought: Why did I just have the thought of 4,000 dismembered feet stacked on top of each other? Did Colorado steal our feet?

Sorry, back to my doubts.

I am not sure leaving my good-paying job is a good idea at a time when AI is taking away so many IT jobs. Plus, I won't know anyone out there, which is good and bad—like chocolate-covered grasshoppers. I like the idea of being a stranger to everyone, since strange is kind of my thing. But having absolutely no support if I need help is a little scary.

Then there is the trip. I have to drive across a bunch of red states... does anymore need to be said on this one?I know it's just fear of the unknown, but the monsters in my head are always way more intimidating than real life.

Another concern I have moving to Colorado is that it's closer to the sun. I am really looking forward to it being dark earlier in the evening so I can don my black cloak and go out before 9:00 PM. I think I am a vampire that is just too old to stay up at night.

Hear me out. On the weekends I sleep midday—no, I don't have a coffin, but I do have a blanket that is cozy. I think this means I could be a vampire, and not that I am over 50 and my work is mentally exhausting. I have more proof: my agoraphobia makes it so I really like going places when it's dark and people can't see me. Now, we could blame this on my condition, or we can again choose to believe I am a vampire.

I don't drink blood, but I do put my finger in my mouth if I get a paper cut, so I am not avoiding blood. And if you stab me in the heart with a stake I will die just like a vampire—now, all humans will die if you drive a stake through their heart, but let's not get all medically. I am also excited to wear long sleeves. We could blame that on my overly fat arms that look like I am carrying a grocery bag full of water on my upper arms, but if we agree I am a vampire, I am just avoiding sun exposure.

So I am going with: I am a vampire that avoids humans and just wants a nap.

Moral of the story (yep, I am turning this into an after-school special):
Saying the F-word really loud at 7:00 AM might not make you friends with your neighbors. Now, since my goal is to avoid human contact, I am okay with this. If you live in Colorado, I might be clingy, so avoid at all costs. I appear to be a vampire according to all of my empirical data that I have provided, though I do appear to be immune to garlic, so you will need a stake. Yep, I failed to create morals from my stories; these are more like life tips and warnings. So don't do drugs or something.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I won't know anyone out there

Your doubts are perfectly normal. Humans resist change. But you would not be alone here. I am available, as are others. That doesn't mean we have to hang out at each others places every weekend. I get it. I'm not that kind of gal either. But you do know someone in the area, so support is available. Cross that one off the list.

Elevation in Ohio averages 1,000 feet above sea level. Yes, we are closer to the sun here, but for every 1,000-foot change in elevation, the air temperature changes about 5-10 degrees. So we are 15-30 degrees cooler here than over yonder ways. And with temperatures climbing the way they are, that could be a good thing. Who'd a thought you could grow tropical plants in the Mountains?

Another plus: with all the wildfire smoke from Canada and states west of us, the sun is never visible, so we've got you covered there too. OK, that's not true.

The important part is that moving that distance does create some unknowns. It can be scary. But once you decide that is what you want to do, then it becomes an adventure. A fresh start.
Don't think, "I can't do this." Instead think, "How can I make this happen?"

[Stottie Girl]

mmmm steak!

If you don't sleep hanging upside down by your feet I think your alright Tammy!

I can empathise with the idea of a total lack of support (I am basically flying solo though all of this and it's not nice) but you do not sound like you have much support where you are now so is there that big of a difference?

Giving up a well paid job though is tricky. I don't know how US medical stuff works, can you not utilise another states facilities while living in a different one? or is it not about facilities and more about general acceptance?

[tammy753]

Your doubts are perfectly normal. Humans resist change. But you would not be alone here. I am available, as are others. That doesn't mean we have to hang out at each others places every weekend. I get it. I'm not that kind of gal either. But you do know someone in the area, so support is available. Cross that one off the list.

Elevation in Ohio averages 1,000 feet above sea level. Yes, we are closer to the sun here, but for every 1,000-foot change in elevation, the air temperature changes about 5-10 degrees. So we are 15-30 degrees cooler here than over yonder ways. And with temperatures climbing the way they are, that could be a good thing. Who'd a thought you could grow tropical plants in the Mountains?

Another plus: with all the wildfire smoke from Canada and states west of us, the sun is never visible, so we've got you covered there too. OK, that's not true.

The important part is that moving that distance does create some unknowns. It can be scary. But once you decide that is what you want to do, then it becomes an adventure. A fresh start.
Don't think, "I can't do this." Instead think, "How can I make this happen?"

Someone left my mind unattended all weekend, and that is when I overthink everything. I appreciate the offer of support when I get there. I know when I get like this, I can over-analyze everything and need to distract myself. I am looking forward to moving there, but I am also worried—I looked at locations for 2 years before picking one, that is a long time isn't it?

If you don't sleep hanging upside down by your feet I think your alright Tammy!

I can empathise with the idea of a total lack of support (I am basically flying solo though all of this and it's not nice) but you do not sound like you have much support where you are now so is there that big of a difference?

Giving up a well paid job though is tricky. I don't know how US medical stuff works, can you not utilise another states facilities while living in a different one? or is it not about facilities and more about general acceptance?

The way it works here is that the states set the employment laws, and Colorado has more pro-employee laws than most of the other states. So, Colorado is on my current employer's "We would rather treat our employees like crap than fairly" list. Because of that, I can't work from Colorado with my current employer. Medical insurance is the big one for me—I will have to buy insurance and get a new job, but I am aware of that.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Two years is not a long time. Especially when considering employment, insurance, housing, and the cost of living.

I spent a little over a year deciding where I wanted to go once I resolved to leave Illinois. I was retired on disability, so I wasn't concerned with employment; my income was portable. But I did look at the unemployment rate, crime rate, and cost of living. Once I decided South Dakota was at the top of my list, I took a week to drive through the state in a big circle. I stopped at every major city and bought a newspaper. When I got home, I took all the newspapers and looked at things like gas and rent costs. I looked at want ads. I read the political and editorial sections to get a feel for what was happening in that area.

That narrowed it down to the western half of the state. It also had the bonus of mountains and gold-producing rivers. The following year, I drove through the Black Hills from north to south to see what towns I might enjoy living in. That narrowed it down to three.

The following year, I moved and found that there wasn't much available for housing the way I thought. I moved to Rapid City because it was closest to two of the three and not far from the third.

So, no. I don't think taking a couple of years to make a major life-changing decision is too slow. I think it helps to answer questions before you get there.

[tammy753]

So, no. I don't think taking a couple of years to make a major life-changing decision is too slow. I think it helps to answer questions before you get there

What I was looking for was a state that protects trans people, a 4x4 club that accepts trans members, possible adult art classes, and affordability. Pueblo has all those things so I picked it. I also don't know anyone there except you so it seems like a fresh start to me, and I can meet people as Tammy not as my male self.

I originally planned to buy a shed and convert it to a home on 10 acres in New Mexico and only go to town for supplies. Therapy and the realization that I am getting older made me rethink that plan. I still think that I could do it if I was younger. That was my hide from society cause I can live like I want alone plan, kind of catchy name.

[tammy753]

Yesterday's blog was a rambling mess. If you read it, well, that is on you. I have warned you dozens of times, so if you still read my blog, you have been warned.

The post yesterday was almost 800 words and covered multiple topics. There was something about me being a profane Vampire with doubts about moving to a high desert city in Colorado. While playing where the F did my pills go?

I think that says it all.

See, I could have just said that, but instead, 800 words later, we got what happened yesterday.

Also, yesterday was therapy. My therapist thinks I might have ADHD.I am gonna make a run to the grocery store this weekend for burritos, and I need to get my Jeep temperature blend door fixed. She doesn't think I need medication for the ADHD for now. But I did order the part for my Jeep—it will be here before the weekend.

While I am getting burritos, I am getting rice and cheese to make my heart attack lunches for next week.

She said I may have "Rejection something something"...I missed it, I was thinking about putting the fenders on my Jeep.

Google said it's Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, remind me to read up on that. I am sure I will feel way better about my self after that.

So this is today's post. I will read up on my latest mental issue, it sounds like so much fun to find out I need more therapy. I may need a GoFundMe for my therapist's mansion in Barbados.

Today's recap, I put it at the bottom so it serves no purpose, please insert the evil laugh of your choosing I can't be bothered:

• Possible ADHD
• Jeep is broken again, who needs heat as winter approaches
• New Fenders still in the box
• Dopamine hit from writing this blog achieved

I may need a 12 step program to stop writing my unfunny jokes.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I used to tell my dentist after a clear check-up that I only keep coming back because I know he has a yacht payment coming up soon.

My brother is an MD and told me the medical profession isn't about finding a cure; it is about treating symptoms. Got a broken leg? Here, have some pain pills. That way, you keep coming back for more pills. If they actually cured the problem, they and Big Pharma would lose a customer.

Later, I discovered a man named Royal Rife who claimed he knew how to cure cancer with light. At first, he was celebrated as a hero and even given an awards dinner by the AMA. Then "someone" raided his lab, stole his notes, destroyed his equipment, and labeled him a quack.

So it is a good thing that you continue with your therapy. Why should everything be about you? Help that therapist pay her mortgage!

🤣

[tammy753]

I used to tell my dentist after a clear check-up that I only keep coming back because I know he has a yacht payment coming up soon.

My brother is an MD and told me the medical profession isn't about finding a cure; it is about treating symptoms. Got a broken leg? Here, have some pain pills. That way, you keep coming back for more pills. If they actually cured the problem, they and Big Pharma would lose a customer.

Later, I discovered a man named Royal Rife who claimed he knew how to cure cancer with light. At first, he was celebrated as a hero and even given an awards dinner by the AMA. Then "someone" raided his lab, stole his notes, destroyed his equipment, and labeled him a quack.

So it is a good thing that you continue with your therapy. Why should everything be about you? Help that therapist pay her mortgage!

🤣

Yeah she needs that Mansion and Yacht. I think I heard her order a golden toilet. She might be running out of things to buy. Does this mean I am moving toward a cure?

🤣

[Lori Dee ✅]

Seriously though, heat for winter and fenders have priority before the snow flies.

[tammy753]

Yeah I ordered the actuator for my blend door. It was $46 with rush shipping so I plan to fix it this weekend. Its  on the driver side by the accelerator. Not looking forward to it but it should be fairly easy to install.

[Petunia]

From what my pyscologist told me and also from what I have read adhd and autism spectrum tend to have a higher than expected correlation in the trans community.

[Stottie Girl]

From what my pyscologist told me and also from what I have read adhd and autism spectrum tend to have a higher than expected correlation in the trans community.

I do not know the figures for that but during my last breakdown my therapist was urging me to get tested for autism or ADHD as she though I presented symptoms. I did not persue it because I did not see any benefit to getting a diagnosis and eventually we sort of arrived at the "opinion" that I was somewhere on the autism spectrum though fairly mild but suffered strongly from Misophonia.

It's an interesting thought at least. There is also growing evidence that the MMR vaccine may actually be behind the large spike in autism after all. This would affect people in my age bracket for sure and I know I had that particular vaccine. If true it may be skewing the results somewhat re being trans and autistic.

I am definitely NOT an anti-vaxer just for clarity!!!