I had a churro protein bar today. It was okay, but all it actually accomplished was making me want real churros.
This is a major psychological problem. I recently discovered a place in town that sells actual churros in a five-pack. I have resisted so far because I have a well-documented habit of finding a food I like and eating it every single day until I gain at least 800 pounds.
Are churro protein bars a gateway drug, or a healthy meal replacement? The world may never know. Let's be honest: they would put asbestos in a protein bar if it made the texture tolerable to eat.
Look, I can tell we are already losing the plot here. Let's take a brief intermission from my impending obesity to discuss white-collar crime.
I've been eating out a lot lately, and yesterday someone tried to use my debit card in another state. Because I have frequented a truly embarrassing number of local establishments over the last month, I have no idea where the data was leaked.
Every single restaurant is now a prime suspect. I am currently looking at the teenager who handed me a frosty last Tuesday like he's an international cartel leader.
Fortunately, the bank's fraud alert tripped before they could drain me. I got incredibly lucky.
Because of this, I have a new survival plan. That specific account will no longer be used for anything other than major bills. Everything else is going through a secondary account. If you value your life, I suggest having two separate accounts; that way, when one card inevitably gets compromised, you still have enough cash to buy groceries.
Which brings us to the next structural disaster of this post. We need to stop arguing about last week's drama and start arguing about the fact that restaurants are still putting pickles on sandwiches.
I firmly believe the cartel is conspiring to insert pickles into everything. There is a verified pickle cartel operating in this country, and I am the first to notice it.
Hear me out, because I can already feel you all pulling away and trying to close the tab. I bought a fish sandwich the other day, and they put pickles on the fish. Is this a recognized culinary trend? If it is, we need to launch a collective class-action lawsuit. It is objectively gross, and you all know it.
And don't start typing a comment about how tartar sauce has relish in it. I know it does. But let's not bring logic and reason into this debate. I am right, and logic and reason is wrong.
Anyway, this segment is over. I am forcibly concluding this argument for my own mental safety and physical safety, we don't want Big Pickle hunting me down. We need to focus on actually important things—like supporting trans people—and we need to stop the spread of vinegar-soaked cucumbers.
Seriously. Enough with the pickles.
Useless recap:- Well this entire post was useless.
- Pickles on fish is a crime against humanity.
- Every fast-food worker in a five-mile radius is a cartel suspect.
- Massive churro craving.
- STOP THE PICKLES ALREADY.
Disclaimer: Pickles are gross, Big Pickle is actively monitoring my internet traffic, and I am heavily considering suing.
