Came out to my brother, which meant also my mom

[Robyn Zola]

I came out to my younger brother over the weekend. He's only recently left San Fran after 25 years, so I didn't think it would phase him (it didn't, I got a typical understated "that's cool").

But he passed it on to my mom, but of course he did. My mom and I have always had a complicated relationship. She's 80 in two weeks and I wasn't sure how she would take it. If she would be critical (there is some of that in her second reply in the sub-text of wanting me to be really sure about it, --- or maybe I just read that into her words out of my own neurosis, like I said, it's complicated).

So I thought I'd post her reply, as encouragement that sometimes we are much too afraid of others' reactions when they are in truth not a big deal...

Hello Daughter/Son,
I have been thinking about the Bugis people of Sulawesi. For centuries they have recognized not two genders but five. What struck me most was that people who crossed or combined masculine and feminine weren't necessarily regarded as defective people who needed fixing. Some were among the most spiritually valued members of the community.

And that made me think about you. I don't need you to be a man for me, and I don't need you to be a woman for me. I want you to become comfortable and happy in your own skin, whatever name you give that person. I suppose the only thing I hope you will examine very deeply before changing your body is whether the change comes from loving who you are, or from believing your present self is unacceptable. Because that person is already worthy of love — especially mine.

With all my heart,

Mom

So, I wrote back a long email just explaining everything I've gone through and how everything going back to adolescence suddenly became clear signals and hints that I ignored, brushed off, suppressed, and overcompensated for. Then she replied this morning:

Well you know Robyn, after reading your reasoning .....this sounds kinda right to me.  Love your name!! 

My questions were this: 
1. Who wants to be a 60 year old  woman, an invisible second class citizen.😂🤣
2. You've been in a box all your life, now you will be in another box......... perhaps one more of your liking.

My truisms:
1. Women lose interest in sex and men, at least I did, after menopause and I would never even consider a date now.  But I am also 80 this year.
2. Estrogen and cancer scare me, I did not take HRT because of the Studies coming out of Scandinavia in the 90's.
3. Also it kept me male dependent until menopause.😱 😱😱

Fact:
6. The most resistance you will have is with your daughter ...... it's going to be so hard for her, especially socially, because of her age group.  You may lose her for a while.

So there you have it, but neither [my brother] or I have problems accepting you in our hearts as a feminine gender person. We wish you the best of luck with your mysterious journey into the feminine.

Love you Richard and thank you for sharing your feelings with me

Mom

So, yea, that wasn't that bad and it's over with. Except for my former PhD advisor and friend, I don't really have anyone else to come out to. Neighbors, what social circle I have, the few close friends and immediate family - everyone smiled, shrugged their shoulder, gave me a virtual or real hug, and expressed a "so what."

All except my 13-year-old daughter. In that mom was right. But I think for different reasons. She is slowly coming to terms but asked often how much I will change, wrote me that letter that she couldn't support me because everything was different now. I think she is afraid of losing 'dad'. I have to convince her that I am still me, in fact I am more me than me now.

[Finally Anna]

Robyn, I got happy when I read this. 💕

Your mother's messages are a kind of dream response and I think it really shows her love for you and not for the image of you. Those references to Sulawesi tribe and being an old-ish woman come from wisdom and experience and caring, and from knowing that you have weighed your options.

I don't know if it is of any comfort, but I repeat my view on your daughter's journey. She will come around and she will continue to love you and support you, but it will take some time before she has realized that you are still "dad" though in a different packaging, that you are even more you and that the new you probably is also a better "dad". The teens is a period of internal change that can be a bit troublesome all by itself and now that you're changing she becomes worried (for a while). That she writes you letters explaining her feelings is a good sign, even though she says she cannot support you (yet). It means she has confidence in you and respects you and that she loves you is obvious.
💕

[Robyn Zola]

Thanks Anna,

Yea, I was kinda dreading coming out to mom - and you see there was no reason for the dread. But there you go. I think my daughter will come around. I'm not presenting when she is at home yet. But I am doing laundry and hanging up my women's underwear to dry. Small things like that I think may help to 'normalize' the change, as long as it is gradual. I will cut my hair more androgynous and begin dressing more androgynous as the winter and hormones roll on into spring. But that is probably a topic for a different sub-thread.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

This is absolutely one of the most heartwarming things I've read in a long time. I love the genuine sharing of feelings along with what is a foundation of unconditional love.

I'm so happy for you. Thanks for sharing, I really needed to see something like this today.

Charlotte ❤️

[tammy753]

I agree and your Mother's response coming from an analytical angle proves she thought before she spoke. Congratulations you have done one of the thing I am most afraid of doing!

[Robyn Zola]

Hugs, Tammy.

It's hard ... I simply told my brother that I didn't know how to approach mom. The next morning I woke to that first email. So, he outed me but I'm sure not out of malice, just inattention. Maybe he did me a favour, though. Again, a bit neurotic about our relationship and just goes to show that I didn't really have anything to fear. But people have all sorts of different families with different attitudes. I wish you luck.

[Stottie Girl]

Robyn, thank you for sharing such an inspiring moment for all of us in the closet. Your mum and brother are both awesome but especially your mum. What a beautiful caring and thoughtful response from her.

When I told my mum she was supportive of me, told me it didn't change how she felt about me, it was a truly special moment for me. I have since come to the understanding that she doesn't fully understand the issues but I know without a doubt that she will support me whatever path I go down and that means the world to me.

I'm still too chicken to tell my Dad but I will have no choice soon as my body keeps changing.