Chapter 2 - Charlotte's scratch post

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks petal! I've missed you too! Was a little worried about you when I read those previous messages. Gan canny Charlotte!

I know enough about comedowns over the years lol! hopefully you've snapped out of that now.

How's the bums and tums thing going?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Well I must say the last week has been...intense! Honestly I think I overwhelmed myself because of the rollercoaster of ups and downs, which culminated in the OD and a mini breakdown on friday.

So I've been looking for hookups, friends with benefits and just friends on an app. I got chatting quite closely to a trans girl who shared one of my kinks and fantasies which was obviously very compelling. But it kinda ended up one-sided, wanting me to dom her over video calls, which yeah was fun. But she wanted me to drop everything at like 10pm during the week and drive an hour to see her. Two nights in a row. She knew I worked full time. So I didn't. But we planned to meet Thursday. However the planned meet day like, yeah all good, saying that all day. Come afternoon sacked it off. I've had this before...wants you to drop everything when they're feeling it, but sacks you off when they're not.

This gave me really bad flashbacks to times past and identical experiences and rejection. With BPD I seriously can't process that especially on the back of the highs. I broke down and ate loads of venlafaxine.

On better news I'm meeting a woman on Friday so we can get to know each other. She is really kind and loves the fact I've been kind, and not moved straight onto the subject of naughty stuff. Like just normal chat. Honestly I think she's looking for friendship and I'm very happy with that. I won't push for anymore unless that just kind of happens. I'm excited though!

Ive chatted to a few trans girls that liked me for hookups, but they are like 19 to 22. I'm not 100% I'm ready for that...I don't know...don't know how to feel! I'll keep that on ice as I need time to think. I'm also considering long term dynamics of my relationships. Could I consider polyamory? Or just FWB? There is a lot going on in my head right now.

Today I met a trans friend for coffee with one of her friends, also trans.  We got on amazingly. The coffee date is a regular thing and I'm now invited, which is so good. They also do nights out, gigs, clubs and such. This could be a great thing moving forwards!

Anyways here are a couple of pics from today and yesterday. Hope you like them.

[Stottie Girl]

That's great to hear you are making friends Charlotte. I know how hard that can be. I think it will do you the power of good to be honest. The difference between this post and the comedown one is stark. More of these positive ones please lol!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I want to find a conversion therapist to bash being trans out of me. I hate myself for being this way. Its a venture that only leads to hell and disappointment

[Lori Dee ✅]

I want to find a conversion therapist to bash being trans out of me. I hate myself for being this way. Its a venture that only leads to hell and disappointment

You do know that doesn't work, right?

No amount of therapy can change who you are.
No amount of therapy can change your sexual preferences or identity.
It's been tried, and it doesn't work. That's why many places have banned the practice.
It's quackery.

Instead of trying to change who you are, why not try to accept who you are?
You'll have a greater chance of success that way.

[Stottie Girl]

Charlotte, go back two posts and read what you wrote. Go on, do it now.

I'll help...."Today I met a trans friend for coffee with one of her friends, also trans.  We got on amazingly. The coffee date is a regular thing and I'm now invited, which is so good. They also do nights out, gigs, clubs and such. This could be a great thing moving forwards!"

You were bouncing after this and so looking forward to future coffee dates with trans friends. Whoever this Charlotte is who has come visiting us isn't the real Charlotte. You will be back to being bouncy again in the morning. Your mood swings are so extreme it's like there are two of you.

As Lori says conversion therapy simply does not work if you are truly trans so don't be daft.

However, you need to have this sorted in your mind before February, they can't glue it back on!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I love being Charlotte inside, but i don't love this physical vessel. There is not a single thing about me I wouldn't completely change if i could.

[Stottie Girl]

You need to make peace with who you are in the mirror Charlotte. OK, you don't look like Kate Moss, but you do look like a woman. That should be enough. If it is not then I fear you will never be rid of depression.

I'm sure we all have things we would love to change about ourselves but doesn't everyone. You show me someone who is 100% happy with what they see in the mirror and I will show you a liar!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I can try to make peace with myself and maybe one day I will. But being at least somewhat desirable is quite important to me. Unlike in boy mode, Charlotte craves for a sex life.  Is it really wrong of me to want to be desirable so i can find people who want to share such experiences with me? How one looks very much defines whether this leads to success or constant disappointment.

Unfortunately this world, like it or not favours good looks. Looks give either limits or opportunity.  I'm not ready to throw the towel in and just lead a life of work and various hobbies. I cant turn these urges off like a tap and this undoubtedly is adding to my increasing levels of depression. I've never felt so frustrated and on edge as now

[Stottie Girl]

Charlotte, if you don't mind me saying, I think you are trying way too hard.

There is someone for everyone so they say. Ugly women still end up in loving relationships and you are far far from being ugly. You ARE in a loving relationship, you are engaged. That is way more than I have ever had or even been close to. If it is sex you are missing then are there not apps like tinder maybe where you can facilitate this sort of thing. (You can tell I'm clueless ha ha!)

I wish I could offer relationship advice but I know nothing. If it helps, nobody has ever desired me before, I've never felt I was desirable to anyone but it does not stop me feeling good about myself.

I guess that's why god invented magic wands!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Charlotte, if you don't mind me saying, I think you are trying way too hard.

There is someone for everyone so they say. Ugly women still end up in loving relationships and you are far far from being ugly. You ARE in a loving relationship, you are engaged. That is way more than I have ever had or even been close to. If it is sex you are missing then are there not apps like tinder maybe where you can facilitate this sort of thing. (You can tell I'm clueless ha ha!)

I wish I could offer relationship advice but I know nothing. If it helps, nobody has ever desired me before, I've never felt I was desirable to anyone but it does not stop me feeling good about myself.

I guess that's why god invented magic wands!

I am using an app for hookups etc. I'm just not sure how I feel about the hits I have got that are 19 and 22 lol. The problem is just having the stimulation/feeling doesn't do anything for me! I'm not vanilla if that makes sense. For me everything is in the experience or i gain no fulfilment and remain frustrated.  Tbh i didn't want to feel like this. But of all the things HRT could have given me, all its done is put me on heat to a level I've never had. Great!!

[Devlyn ✅]

You set 'em up and I'll knock 'em down. 🙂

If you're not vanilla, maybe stop by The Vanilla Alternative? 😈

[Stottie Girl]

I am using an app for hookups etc. I'm just not sure how I feel about the hits I have got that are 19 and 22 lol. The problem is just having the stimulation/feeling doesn't do anything for me! I'm not vanilla if that makes sense. For me everything is in the experience or i gain no fulfilment and remain frustrated.  Tbh i didn't want to feel like this. But of all the things HRT could have given me, all its done is put me on heat to a level I've never had. Great!!

Hmmm, it's odd that your sexual drive has skyrocketed. Mine has done the opposite. I have a fully female sexual response, which is incredible but I do not have the drive that makes me want it as much as you seem to have. For me it has been a wonderfully calming experience. I don't really crave it at all. I do get "in the mood" from time to time but I could just as easily take it or leave it. Though having not experienced intimacy for over 30 years that might have something to do with it!

[Lori Dee ✅]

I am using an app for hookups etc. I'm just not sure how I feel about the hits I have got that are 19 and 22 lol.

Coming from an asexual viewpoint here = clueless; if the whole point is only a hookup, what's wrong with 19- 22-year-olds? If they desire you for that, isn't that enough? If you want more than that, you won't find it in a hookup app.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I honestly don't know whats coming over me, or why. But its hard to ignore lol.

Honestly...I'm a bit scared cos these youngsters are probably more experienced than me lol and i'd be embarrassed. Or maybe not more experienced...maybe they hope I am? In any case I've not hooked up since in my teens to early twenties so I'm nervous too. Would prefer someone experienced but humble, you know to put me at ease!

I must sound totally weird and like a crazy person!

[Lori Dee ✅]

You sound like a girl deciding how you want the first date to end.

Prepare to stay safe, then have fun.

1. Check them out first. Google their name; reverse image search their photos.

2. Do not let them pick you up for the first date. Don't share where you live.

3. Keep your information private in case they are a stalker.

4. Tell someone where and when you are meeting them. Give that person a photo of the person you're meeting.

5. The first date should be short. Just coffee or lunch to see how you feel about them. If you get creepy vibes, walk out. If you are going out later, dinner or drinks, have someone call you 20-30 minutes into the date to check on you. If you are going someplace else, tell them where. If you are getting creepy vibes, use the call as an "emergency," and you have to go.

6. The goal is to have fun, but you must be safe too.

[Stottie Girl]

You sound like a girl deciding how you want the first date to end.

Prepare to stay safe, then have fun.

1. Check them out first. Google their name; reverse image search their photos.

2. Do not let them pick you up for the first date. Don't share where you live.

3. Keep your information private in case they are a stalker.

4. Tell someone where and when you are meeting them. Give that person a photo of the person you're meeting.

5. The first date should be short. Just coffee or lunch to see how you feel about them. If you get creepy vibes, walk out. If you are going out later, dinner or drinks, have someone call you 20-30 minutes into the date to check on you. If you are going someplace else, tell them where. If you are getting creepy vibes, use the call as an "emergency," and you have to go.

6. The goal is to have fun, but you must be safe too.

Sound advice from mama bear there! You should sticky note that Lori, useful for all of us! We cannot go about dating the same way we did as men (well I didn't but I had an idea what was supposed to happen lol!), it is potentially dangerous.