Chapter 2 - Charlotte's scratch post

[Devlyn ✅]

Visible veins! There is another one! I have them too. It comes with having large breasts Courtney, not much you can do about them. My breasts are close set and high set so pop them in a bra and cleavage is easy but take that bra off and they hang low. You can't have everything!! Though I am hopeful Progesterone will change this a bit. If it doesn't then ok that's what I was destined to have. No biggie.

Ten four! I'm Irish, my entire circulatory system is visible through my skin. 🤣

[Stottie Girl]

In that respect i could have essentially changed nothing, remained exactly as i was as a man and just changed my perception and called myself a woman. If the whole thing is about accepting what you have and having a wider definition of what a woman is, why bother with HRT at all? In reality no medical transition is needed - just a change in perception!

Okay, that is not what I said at all Charlotte. I said nothing about perception. Please don't twist my words.

I'm saying accept the woman you are becoming, the woman you are genetically predisposed to be. I never said don't transition or just accept what you have pre HRT. Just that you should widen your vision of what makes you a woman. I worry that you are likely not going to achieve what you are wanting because you have your blinkers on and such a narrow vision.

In my opinion, the way you are talking right now tells me you should not be considering surgery right now, you are not making rational judgements here. Honestly, you need to think very carefully about what you are doing. I know that transexualism is a broad spectrum but there are major alarm bells ringing for me here. I'm sorry but that is how I feel. I just cannot understand your reasons for wanting surgery if you do not identify as a woman, if you just want to "see what it's like" then transition back to male. It will be too late then. I honestly do not think there is a psychologist in the UK who would sign a referral for surgery based on what you are saying.

I truly hope I am mis-understanding what you saying. I am also no expert by any stretch. Maybe it is me who is in the wrong here. If I am, I would appreciate someone telling me so.

Please, please, just stop, think, get professional help and then make your decision.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Sorry for my emotions. Its really hard having hoped for something that will never come yet seemingly everyone else gets lucky and is in euphoria.  I just have to settle for something that brings no euphoria. I'm digging for every bit of strength to like what i have. I really dont want to be a man. I want to be a woman. But ok i am woman, but i dont like the woman I am.  I cant honestly look at my body and see sonething i remotely desire. So ive totally achieved becoming a woman, i just dont find her desirable at all.

She is a woman i wouldn't even look twice at.

Again im so sorry. This is extremely hard.

[Stottie Girl]

We don't all get to be pretty Charlotte. It's awful but that is life. Suck it up and accept it. If that is the only way you will accept being a woman then I really do not know where that leaves you.

You have breast forms so if you still hate how you look in the mirror with them, then getting implants won't change that, unless you plan to wander around topless all the time! GRS won't change your outward appearance either apart from being able to wear leggings and swimwear without a bulge. It seems like you only wanted to become a sexy attractive desirable woman, well don't we all, but it is not going to be likely for the vast majority of late transitioners like us. There is zero point moaning about it. Accept it, deal with it or detransition. Those are your options but you need to decide that now before you go further down this road as nothing ahead of you will give you what you seem to be wanting.

You won't be the prettiest girl in the club, you likely won't be a girl that a lot of people desire (same as most of us) but who are you trying to be that girl for? You are already engaged to be married. What does it matter? It's people like me who should be worried! I don't have a partner, I will have to try to find someone looking the way I do, you already found your life partner, I'm probably destined to be alone.

I'm sorry if I'm dishing out tough love here but you need a dose of reality Charlotte.

[Courtney G]

Ten four! I'm Irish, my entire circulatory system is visible through my skin. 🤣

Funny how beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My wife makes fun of my "weird" breasts, with the prominent blue veins. But I shared photos of them on a site that allows people to compare/study regimens and results and I got a ton of comments and messages from men who love the veins!

To Sarah's point, beauty is a subjective, relative, moveable thing. Trying to live up to some pre-conceived notion of femininity or beauty is a waste of time. There are people who LOVE very small breasts and those who need them to be cartoonish. They are people who adore large-bodied women and those who prefer waifs. The best we can do is set reasonable goals for how we hope to present ourselves to the world, then focus on self-love and acceptance.

[tammy753]

I've learned 2 things from therapy. Everyone's transition is different and my therapist is usually right.

The first applies to you. You have to find what makes you happy. No one can do that for you. Comparing your self to a super model isn't going to do you any favors. You need to find Charlotte not this idealized version that society puts on TV and in Magazines. I know I am not attractive but I have the face I have.

You can have surgery if it will make your self feel like your true self and I think that is great. If you are having it to match a magazine then that is where a problem exists.

I have never wanted a partner, for me I always believed that wasn't fair to someone else to be with me. You can't keep looking for outside validation. You need to find what makes you happy with Charlotte.

I really hope this is helpful but I am not a therapist. I just pay one to tell me I am wrong. So take my comments for what they are worth.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Honestly I've never looked at any magazines or super models for inspiration. Tbh i find most models and celebrities to be extremely unattractive. They are literally the last women on earth I'd want to look like. I don't find any polished look to be attractive in all honesty. Natural beauty is all I'm intersted in. That's why i rarely use makeup and if I do its ninimal. Just doesn't do anything for me. I'm also not keen on muscular or slim bodies as again to me looks unnatural.

[Lilis]

Honestly I've never looked at any magazines or super models for inspiration. Tbh i find most models and celebrities to be extremely unattractive. They are literally the last women on earth I'd want to look like. I don't find any polished look to be attractive in all honesty. Natural beauty is all I'm intersted in. That's why i rarely use makeup and if I do its ninimal. Just doesn't do anything for me. I'm also not keen on muscular or slim bodies as again to me looks unnatural

heyy, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're experiencing so much distress. ❤️

if I may share a little of my own experience, my inner recognition of who I am was there all along, even when my reflection didn't match how I felt inside.

transition hasn't created my womanhood. It's helped bring my outward appearance and life closer to the woman I've always known myself to be. physical changes matter to me, but they aren't what make me a woman.

I realize everyone's experience is different, and I'm not suggesting yours has to look like mine.

I just wonder whether separating your feelings about your physical results from your understanding of your identity might give you some space to explore what feels right for you, without feeling that you have to achieve a particular physical appearance to find your answer.


~ Lilis 🌷

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks Lilis.

In a way they are completely separate things like you say. I do feel like a woman inside and am living my life as a woman. Thats been so for a good while now. My face most of the time matches my inner feelings too. I feel in a way that ive failed to match my body with whats inside. I have taken transition steps to align my body with my inner woman, but right now that alignment is missing. So in a sense I'm almost there.

How do i ever stop seeing my past male self in a body which basically hasn't changed? Afterall, we do HRT to achieve physical changes. If those don't happen then at least that part remains unchanged from being male.

I can separate them and do, but that just leaves me wondering if there is any purpose continuing Estrogen as i will be getting surgery to feminise my features. So I don't really need it and could essentially stop.

So splitting the two, inside i feel like a woman. I mostly see a woman in the mirror with my face so physically matches. But i can't look at my body. It hurts every single time.

@Lilis

[Gina P]

   Charlotte, Sorry you are having trouble dealing with GD. Something I have found, is if my E is high, or low for that matter, I start getting weird emotions and GD raises her ugly head. Depression also sets in. Just saying, make sure your numbers are where they are supposed to be.
   That said, I think you look very pretty. Try playing with makeup in more creative ways. Change your hair style. Get your nails done. It all helps to lifts your spirits. Hang in there. 💗

[Lilis]

I feel in a way that ive failed to match my body with whats inside. I have taken transition steps to align my body with my inner woman, but right now that alignment is missing. So in a sense I'm almost there.

you're welcome Charlotte and thank you at the same time I think what you experiencing many of us have experienced these feelings at some point in their journey, please know you're not alone.

but Charlotte, it makes me sad to hear you describe it as having failed, your body not changing in the ways you hoped doesn't mean you've failed.

many of us have been trying to bring our outward appearance closer to how we feel inside, and I think many would think it's understandable to grieve the changes you haven't seen.

there are things I'd love to change about my body. But I've learned that I can appreciate the progress I've made while still hoping for more.

I can separate them and do, but that just leaves me wondering if there is any purpose continuing Estrogen as i will be getting surgery to feminise my features. So I don't really need it and could essentially stop.

I don't think you can stop estrogen if you're going to get bottom surgery, and I see you're set for GRS in 3 months, and congrats by the way.

So splitting the two, inside i feel like a woman. I mostly see a woman in the mirror with my face so physically matches. But i can't look at my body. It hurts every single time.

I hope you can find some room to give yourself some kindness, even while you're figuring out what comes next ♥️

~ Lilis 🌷

[Courtney G]

Yes, I did get breast development but I'm just now starting to see a change in the overall waist-to-hips proportions of my body. I'm coming up on 5 years of HRT. I think in another few years it might be noticeable while I'm wearing clothes.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Charlotte, Sorry you are having trouble dealing with GD. Something I have found, is if my E is high, or low for that matter, I start getting weird emotions and GD raises her ugly head. Depression also sets in. Just saying, make sure your numbers are where they are supposed to be.
   That said, I think you look very pretty. Try playing with makeup in more creative ways. Change your hair style. Get your nails done. It all helps to lifts your spirits. Hang in there. 💗

I might get my hair undercut although worried it'll make me look more masc, and taken over 2 years to grow already. I'll  ask my hairdresser  but a big risk as my hair density is very low. I lost about 40% of the thickness before transition.  Makeup i don't really use apart from very rare occasions.  Really just got nails and clothes to play with!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks all. I feel moderately better today. I'm just trying to ignore my body as much as possible. I'm going to stop showering so much then i don't have to deal with it so often at least. Im just getting excited for GRS now. That can't come soon enough.

[Courtney G]

I should point out that a lot of dormant follicles will wake up and start producing terminal hairs again as a result of HRT, but it's a long process, possibly taking several years before you can actualize the effects of hair regrowth. So it's quite possible that you'll experience hair regrowth over the next couple of years

EDIT: I realized that there's a running theme in my posts and it's this: patience is required. As hard as it is, we must realize that changes continue over several years. Very hard to accept, given that we don't wanna have to live in this halfway space between what we were and what we want to be

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

On another note i have found some ways to try and deal with the nasty acne pitting all over my chin. Its been bothering me a while.  Ordered some trichloroacetic acid which is carefully placed into each pit. This burns the skin and encourages collagen growth. I also ordered a home microneedling machine. Combined with the above a few weeks apart,hopefully they will reduce in depth. Also microneedling where i have hair loss. This can encourage blood vessel growth which helps the hair strengthen. Need to see in 6 months if it works. I got a few pits and deep scar on my forehead to try too.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I should point out that a lot of dormant follicles will wake up and start producing terminal hairs again as a result of HRT, but it's a long process, possibly taking several years before you can actualize the effects of hair regrowth. So it's quite possible that you'll experience hair regrowth over the next couple of years

EDIT: I realized that there's a running theme in my posts and it's this: patience is required. As hard as it is, we must realize that changes continue over several years. Very hard to accept, given that we don't wanna have to live in this halfway space between what we were and what we want to be

Thanks Courtney. I have had some crown regrowth already as that area was obviously very thin around 12 months ago. Anyone walking behind could see a thin patch. I'm really glad that went for sure. I'm hoping some will rejuvenate over time as even 10-20% increase would make a big difference.

I may wait before getting any undercut as it does worry me. Hair is precious to me as only just saved it from severe pattern loss as started finasteride a couple of years before HRT.

Hair is easily sorted with a transplant though so not a huge worry if growth doesn't happen.

[Courtney G]

It took several years, but the hair loss on my crown was completely restored after I started finasteride, then HRT. I did regular scalp massage and used a home microneedling thing on my frontal area. I worked hard to keep things clean/sanitized as I would draw bl**d sometimes. I probably regrew 1000 hairs in the front area, which made my FUE transplant effective. I lucked out but it took years and a lot of work and money.

[Finally Anna]

I may wait before getting any undercut as it does worry me.

Sounds wise. Better be certain before cutting, as it would take year(s) to get it back.