Chapter 2 - Charlotte's scratch post

[Finally Anna]

That's great, Charlotte. A hairstyle that suits both the hair quality and is kind of easy to style is nice.

[Petunia]

Charlotte, I agree with what everybody else has said.

I too will refrain from commenting on how you look as my comments really aren't helping you in the long run.

You are only 18 months into transition and if you listen to other girls who are ahead of you, this takes time and patience.

I think you look totally female and would struggle to look totally male unless you totally detransition.

From most of your writing you really don't want that. You've just forgotten how much you disliked being male.

If you stop estrogen you will lose hair on your head and will get it back on your body. That is going to make you feel even worse.

I wish you could focus more on the friends you have made.

The promise of going out clubbing and enjoying yourself could lead anywhere.

You may get some experiences you want from that.

I care for you deeply and hate to see you in pain, but I can't really help you.

You need to get help for your dysphoria/ dysmorphia and as others have pointed out, that help won't be found here. A lot of us have tried.

We aren't lying to you when we give compliments, it's simply you can't see yourself how we do.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks Petunia. I'm feeling OK today at least. Unfortunately I'm sensitive to triggers that remind me of the aspects I dislike about myself. In the new year hopefully I'll finally get the therapy I need. The 18 weeks therapy regarding my transition have helped to some degree. But that doesn't fix my general low self esteem.  My transition is just the tip of the iceberg. I have experienced self loathing since primary school. Only intensive specialist therapy might help. Its not guaranteed...some people like me never recover and suffer for life. Around 10% with my diagnosis end their life. I can only try once i get the help i meed.

Today i thought Charlotte looked cute in the mirror

[davina61]

You look cute everyday my dear.

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks Petunia. I'm feeling OK today at least. Unfortunately I'm sensitive to triggers that remind me of the aspects I dislike about myself. In the new year hopefully I'll finally get the therapy I need. The 18 weeks therapy regarding my transition have helped to some degree. But that doesn't fix my general low self esteem.  My transition is just the tip of the iceberg. I have experienced self loathing since primary school. Only intensive specialist therapy might help. Its not guaranteed...some people like me never recover and suffer for life. Around 10% with my diagnosis end their life. I can only try once i get the help i meed.

Today i thought Charlotte looked cute in the mirror

You need that therapy before you have irreversible, life changing surgery in my view, not afterwards in the new year, but I feel like my voice is wasted so I will shut up about it in future.

It is your body at the end of the day Charlotte. I just hope that whatever you do will bring you closer to happiness and an acceptance of self. I really hope you will experience some of the joy of transition soon as it seems to be bringing you depression and self loathing rather than a relief. You are long overdue a bit of that joy I feel.

Sarah xx

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

You need that therapy before you have irreversible, life changing surgery in my view, not afterwards in the new year, but I feel like my voice is wasted so I will shut up about it in future.

It is your body at the end of the day Charlotte. I just hope that whatever you do will bring you closer to happiness and an acceptance of self. I really hope you will experience some of the joy of transition soon as it seems to be bringing you depression and self loathing rather than a relief. You are long overdue a bit of that joy I feel.

Sarah xx

Thanks Sarah for your reply. Honestly I'm 100% certain I want to transition. I lash out as I struggle with those couple of body dysmorphia elements. It's not really dysphoria to be honest. My reaction is totally explained by my BPD diagnosis. Its called splitting and a classic symptom. Its flipping between black and white thinking. Its never some things are good, some are bad. Its always everything is good or everything is bad. It can change on a knife edge. I understand it but can't control it.

Right now I'm working off site at a university.  Walkimg around dressed as Charlotte i feel a million dollars. I feel amazing being out as me. That's my truth. But my mental state fails, i drop the ball. I would hate myself that moment regardless of who, where or what i am.

Also regards patience i have worked that out. Its anxiety. If the status was "its 5 years, but you'll definitely grow big breasts and definitely have fat redistribution" I would be totally fine. But my issue is there is no "definitely". Its all msybe. My anxiety doesn't believe it will ever hsppen. My anxiety doesn't believe good things will happen. So again I lash out because this is all something I cant control. I want to be in control. I hate not being able to make things happen. I do very badly with uncertainty, luck and lack of comtrol.

Anyways i really appreciate your concerns and kindness. Also appreciate this is hard to witness and understand from outside. For me its life and simply a debilitating mental illness. I do pretty well considering its considered one of
the worst conditions to live with.

[Devlyn ✅]

👮🏻 Charlotte, if you're going to be lashing out, please try to at least put a trigger warning on the posts in question. I think that's only fair to our members.👮🏻

[Stottie Girl]

Charlotte, I won't pretend to understand exactly what you are going through and I do not fully understand BPD either. I am not a psychologist. But from where I sit there are a number of other conditions that can cause these "split" personalities, all of which are very serious and my view will always be that you need to be seeing a professional psychiatrist to work these out before you get surgeries.

There are two Charlotte's that visit here, one of you (evidenced today) I have no doubt is 100% up for transition with no doubts in her mind but the other darker Charlotte is wildly conflicted, full of self loathing and I am afraid of what she might do to herself. Witnessing the flip floping between the two is exhausting from my end on here.

The self harm and talk of ending it all is triggering for me after loosing someone I knew that way. I do not want that for you. But equally I do not want to hear about it as it is affecting me. For that reason I might not respond when you are "lashing out" as you say. It is not that I do not care, I do, it is just that there is literally nothing I can do or say that makes any difference to you and all it does is affect me. I really hope you understand. I'm only talking about the dark stuff here. For eveything else I'm there for you.

[Lori Dee ✅]

The self harm and talk of ending it all is triggering for me after loosing someone I knew that way. I do not want that for you. But equally I do not want to hear about it as it is affecting me. For that reason I might not respond when you are "lashing out" as you say. It is not that I do not care, I do, it is just that there is literally nothing I can do or say that makes any difference to you and all it does is affect me. I really hope you understand. I'm only talking about the dark stuff here. For eveything else I'm there for you.

I am the same way. I lost a stepson, so I avoid that type of negativity. As a Moderator, our job is to watch and make sure the site is supportive of all of its members and guests of every age group. There have been many members here who have dealt with these things and we need to be both supportive of those going through dark times while being protective of those who may be triggered. And in my opinion, a trigger warning isn't enough. I just prefer not to see it, but that is a personal opinion and not site policy.

Charlotte, many members here are cheering you on. We love to see you in your cute outfits. We love to hear about your running clubs, furry meets, and other social activities. Not only is it great to read such things, but it is also good for you to write about them. Understand that we truly care about you. Just because we don't "Like" or "Thank" a post does not mean we have abandoned you. It means that there is nothing we can do to help. We have already shared the advice we can, and there is little else we can offer at this point, as we are not mental health professionals.

[Finally Anna]

I guess we all have lost people that way.
A number of people I knew, in various "closeness" to me, have taken the one-way tour. Two of them in ways that hurts like a knife to even think about.

I can read your posts, and I can feel the pain even thoug I dont press "like" (how could I?) but I don't want any more of that horror of people going one-way, so please, please do everything possible to keep on the narrow road will'ya.
💕

I know that all the BPD related blackness you write about is not a one-way trip but we do care a lot, just as Lori and Sarah wrote!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks all x

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Got treatment from the doctor to try on the folliculitis covering my butt and upper legs. Now a couple of weeks later everything is a whole lot worse. About 5 very deep painful sores and now areas of skin are disintegrating to reveal raw sores. The whole area looks like I've had a severe accident with open skin and sores 😢

Seems my immune system is giving up.

[davina61]

Well go back and tell them its not working, nag them till they sort it.

[Finally Anna]

Seems my immune system is giving up

Highly unlikely. What the doc prescribed is probably causing a reaction. Happens to all of us.

Well go back and tell them its not working, nag them till they sort it.

And Davina knows what to do.

[Captain.Val]

Adding my 2 cts, I agree whith everyone ofc regarding your very apparent cuteness.

Just the other day I told my therapist about similar mirror moments I have. When I take off my wig and makeup and see myself a voice inside me goes like, "Look at you. What you are. You aren't fooling anyone."

She then asked me "But why are you so terribly cruel to youself?" and that is a very good and valid question. I am and was never that cruel to *anyone*, not even to my worst enemies, in all my life.

She suggested I give an identity to that negative voice, and find and build a "kind supporter" voice to pin against it. I'm gonna try that. It might just work, for you too, that's what I wish.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Adding my 2 cts, I agree whith everyone ofc regarding your very apparent cuteness.

Just the other day I told my therapist about similar mirror moments I have. When I take off my wig and makeup and see myself a voice inside me goes like, "Look at you. What you are. You aren't fooling anyone."

She then asked me "But why are you so terribly cruel to youself?" and that is a very good and valid question. I am and was never that cruel to *anyone*, not even to my worst enemies, in all my life.

She suggested I give an identity to that negative voice, and find and build a "kind supporter" voice to pin against it. I'm gonna try that. It might just work, for you too, that's what I wish.

Thanks Val.
I do get what you mean. In that moment the cruelty and hatred to myself is all consuming. Like you, I've never been that cruel to anyone else ever. But it comes from deep frustration and fear I think. I have so little faith that I'll ever progress to being the woman I'd love to be. My whole life could be described by "almost, but not quite". This feels the same. I really do feel like a woman. I really want to be a woman. But when the frustration and pain is high, I just want to give it all up. Because giving it up removes all remaining expectations and gives me back control. Returns predictability to my life. But that's not what I really want. But the mental pain is like being surrounded by grinding noise. A constant noise thats all consuming.

The thing I really want, to be the woman I envisaged, comes loaded with bags of uncertainty and anxiety. Two things my mind hates more than anything. I have no faith in life....i lost that decades ago. I find life to be fundamentally negative and without purpose. Thats hard to exist within.


I'll try to nurture the better side of me to fight back. And honestly no one sees the 20 times she fights off the darkness, fights off the negative thoughts and wins. But the one time she looses is entirely visible. I don't think I'm doing bad despite how it looks. If others could feel and see how I felt, they'd probably be surprised I'm holding it together so well.

[Captain.Val]

You got this. You rock.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I really do feel like a woman. I really want to be a woman. But when the frustration and pain is high, I just want to give it all up. Because giving it up removes all remaining expectations and gives me back control. Returns predictability to my life.

What if you didn't give up? Just keep going step by step, as you feel like it. No expectations. Just accept that this is what you will do, and whatever happens, happens. You sort of had that attitude before your brow surgery, as I recall. You hoped it would turn out well, but I don't remember you saying you had big expectations. You got it done, and it turned out very well. You had to deal with swelling afterward, but look at the result!

Do you think you could keep going, little by little, without expecting it to turn out stunning? If you can, you are on your way to acceptance. You'll see any improvement as a positive, not a letdown. No disappointments if you have no expectations, right?

Something to think about.