Each day I see myself I realise I have only achieved one thing - swapping gender dysphoria for body dysmorphia. I feel like a woman and I'm comfortable with my face (when its not covered in lumps and spots). I love being out as woman and living that life.
But every day I still have to see this body. That then destroys my illusion and I'm back to square one in my head. I'm now not only using energy to mask for other mental health reasons, I'm now using energy to deny that my body causes me distress. I'm exhausted already with pretending I'm happy with it. But I'm stuck here in catch 22, in the same place I was before transition. In the wrong body.
I guess the good thing is that by attracting and messing around with multiple people, that makes me feel attractive and takes my mind off how much I hate this body. And makes me feel used which I feel like this body deserves. It doesn't feel like my body...just an object to allow as many people as possible to degrade even more than it already is.
Maybe my body will improve over time with HRT and this nightmare will finally end. If it doesn't, well I'm seriously worried. I'll undoubtedly end up with a serious disease or not living my life just as I did before transition. This is a big gamble. One I'm not optimistic about.
