Chapter 2 - Charlotte's scratch post

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Charlotte Kitty
Dear Charlotte,

Just as Sarah and Davina stated, yes indeed, you look femme in your casual apparel
and you can certainly feel free to relax about your appearance.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[Stottie Girl]

Thank you Davina and Sarah. It feels liberating I can have a zero effort day and still feel like a woman. I would love this feeling to be permenant so i can relax about myself. 

No reason why it shouldn't be Charlotte. You are finally seeing what we see.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Well I'm back safely and had a lovely night with a cute trans women last night. We also attended Sapphic Sunday in Nottingham, which is a meeting in a lovely cafe socialising.

Basically we're now trying out a polyamerous relationship. All new to me and some feelings and practicalities to navigate. But its exciting and also planning stuff like swimming with both my partners. In anyways I got to experience some fun and a new side to me that I'd not explored until now as Charlotte!

[Lori Dee ✅]

That sounds like a wonderful time.

I am happy it worked out well!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Each day I see myself I realise I have only achieved one thing - swapping gender dysphoria for body dysmorphia. I feel like a woman and I'm comfortable with my face (when its not covered in lumps and spots). I love being out as woman and living that life.

But every day I still have to see this body.  That then destroys my illusion and I'm back to square one in my head. I'm now not only using energy to mask for other mental health reasons, I'm now using energy to deny that my body causes me distress. I'm exhausted already with pretending I'm happy with it. But I'm stuck here in catch 22, in the same place I was before transition. In the wrong body.

I guess the good thing is that by attracting and messing around with multiple people, that makes me feel attractive and takes my mind off how much I hate this body. And makes me feel used which I feel like this body deserves. It doesn't feel like my body...just an object to allow as many people as possible to degrade even more than it already is.

Maybe my body will improve over time with HRT and this nightmare will finally end. If it doesn't, well I'm seriously worried. I'll undoubtedly end up with a serious disease or not living my life just as I did before transition. This is a big gamble. One I'm not optimistic about.

[Lilis]

heyy, ❤️

it seems like you're beginning to speak about your body as though it deserves to be punished.

I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with a lifestyle that includes kink or BDSM, as long as it's consensual and everyone involved feels safe and respected.

but I think it's important to remember that aftercare matters, too, especially when punishment or degradation is involved.

for me there's a difference between exploring those things because they bring pleasure and choosing them because I feel I deserve to be hurt or degraded.


~ Lilis 🌷

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

heyy, ❤️

it seems like you're beginning to speak about your body as though it deserves to be punished.

I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with a lifestyle that includes kink or BDSM, as long as it's consensual and everyone involved feels safe and respected.

but I think it's important to remember that aftercare matters, too, especially when punishment or degradation is involved.

for me there's a difference between exploring those things because they bring pleasure and choosing them because I feel I deserve to be hurt or degraded.


~ Lilis 🌷

Never really liked any of that stuff until i begun to hate my body. Now i crave being both hurt and degraded. I only really want care from my bf because i know that makes him happy. Anyone else I'll give free reign to do as they please. I kimda don't see myself as human anymore. Kinda exist as an object. Being trans I have no value except as an object for people too use. That makes me feel at least my transition had some purpose.

[Lilis]

Never really liked any of that stuff until i begun to hate my body. Now i crave being both hurt and degraded. I only really want care from my bf because i know that makes him happy. Anyone else I'll give free reign to do as they please. I kimda don't see myself as human anymore. Kinda exist as an object. Being trans I have no value except as an object for people too use. That makes me feel at least my transition had some purpose.

Charlotte, ❤️

I read that you no longer see yourself as human or feel that being trans leaves you with no value beyond being used by others, but this is not true the evidence of many trans women life's point towards otherwise.

you don't have to earn those things by making someone else happy, and you don't have to let people hurt or degrade you to give your transition a purpose.

I'm not judging you for what you're feeling or for what you explore. I'm concerned that the hatred you're feeling toward your body is making you feel as though you deserve to be treated as less than a person.

you don't.

be careful about giving other people rein over you when you're feeling this way. your boundaries matter, and you always have the right to say no or change your mind.

even your boyfriend should cared for you because you're a person, not just because caring for you makes him happy.

I have a question?? what happens to Charlotte when her boyfriend doesn't care for her when he's not happy?

~ Lilis 🌷

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Charlotte Kitty
Dear Charlotte:
Please be certain to digest what was told to you by member @Lilis:
She makes a very good point regarding your personal decisions about your present life course.
   

from Lilis

I'm not judging you for what you're feeling or for what you explore. I'm concerned that the hatred you're feeling toward your body is making you feel as though you deserve to be treated as less than a person.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
    Forum Administrator

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks both.  I find it easy to love the bit of me that's Charlotte - my mind and I guess I can live with my face. But the rest isn't Charlotte. It's him still haunting me everyday. My past refuses to leave. Now I just resent the fact that he ever lived. Maybe if I attack that body enough, then at least I'll no longer see him. At least there is change and the past is dead from that point .

Charlotte is surging forwards and my body is a demonic form that grabs her legs and pulls her back into hell. Maybe thats where she really belongs.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I have a question?? what happens to Charlotte when her boyfriend doesn't care for her when he's not happy?

~ Lilis 🌷

He loves and cares for me totally unconditionally.  But a big part of me doesn't want him to. How could he care for it? Its not worth the air it breathes. If my soul could free from my body, thats the only real thing there is. The only thing that really is Charlotte. The vessel is old and irrelevant to me at this point.

[Lilis]

He loves and cares for me totally unconditionally.  But a big part of me doesn't want him to. How could he care for it? Its not worth the air it breathes. If my soul could free from my body, thats the only real thing there is. The only thing that really is Charlotte. The vessel is old and irrelevant to me at this point.

thank youuu for that I understand you relationship a little better and I hear you Charlotte, ❤️

I'm not going to tell you that you must suddenly love your body or simply accept everything about it. I know it's not that easy.

but I hope you can separate two things: not feeling that your body represents who you are, and believing that your body has no value or deserves to be harmed. Those are not the same thing.

you don't have to love your body to protect it while you work toward feeling more at home in it. And you don't have to earn the right to be cared for.

I've read about many trans women who have explored different approaches to body contouring throughout their journeys rather than relying solely on HRT to bring about all the changes they hope for.

I've also read about some who discussed different ways of administering HRT with their providers, such as switching from oral medication to patches or injections. Of course, everyone's body responds differently, so any changes to your HRT would need to be discussed with your provider.

there may also be other body-contouring options worth exploring with your gender-affirming care provider.

I'm not sure what's available where you live, but some procedures may be covered by health insurance when they're considered medically necessary and meet the plan's coverage requirements.

I'm wondering, though, have you shared with your healthcare provider the things you've been writing about here, particularly how intensely you're struggling with your body and how it's affecting the way you see and treat yourself?

I think it's important that they understand not just the physical changes you're hoping for, but also how much emotional pain you're experiencing.


~ Lilis 🌷

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

@Lilis
Hi Lilis,
Thanks sweetie. Unfortunately I don't have a healthcare provider. UK wait lists are unrealistically high so I'm totally DIY. They would just follow WPATH guidelihes anyway. 

Had some therapy through an LGBT charity which helped a little with some aspects.

I'll just continue to endure each day as it comes really and hope in a couple of years things are better.

[Stottie Girl]

There are many NHS approved private multi-discipline gender clinics in the UK. Their fees are not too bad when you look Charlotte. Especially for someone on your wages. I would urge you to contact one of them, neither of us should be on DIY really. I have contacted the Nothern Gender Clinic for example. I have not had a response to my referral but as soon as I get into their system I will report back with their fees and the overall experience (Assuming they ever get back to me!).

A quick google search will bring up options close to you. We should be trying to be safe, even if you don't currently care about your own well being. Future you might thank you.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

There are many NHS approved private multi-discipline gender clinics in the UK. Their fees are not too bad when you look Charlotte. Especially for someone on your wages. I would urge you to contact one of them, neither of us should be on DIY really. I have contacted the Nothern Gender Clinic for example. I have not had a response to my referral but as soon as I get into their system I will report back with their fees and the overall experience (Assuming they ever get back to me!).

A quick google search will bring up options close to you. We should be trying to be safe, even if you don't currently care about your own well being. Future you might thank you.

I have looked at their fees and they aren't great really I dont think? Then prescription costs and availability issues on top. Sute it'd be around £100 a month. Considering they'll just follow WPATH and give me the same meds E and maybe Prog that I'm already on.

I'm just unsure what they can offer that I don't already have at 10% of the cost.  I regularly test and check levels, so know what I'm buying is good.

I certainly cant do it until after surgery as my finances are crippled right now!

[Devlyn ✅]

I have looked at their fees and they aren't great really I dont think? Then prescription costs and availability issues on top. Sute it'd be around £100 a month. Considering they'll just follow WPATH and give me the same meds E and maybe Prog that I'm already on.

I'm just unsure what they can offer that I don't already have at 10% of the cost.  I regularly test and check levels, so know what I'm buying is good.

I certainly cant do it until after surgery as my finances are crippled right now!

Do you know what you're actually on though, Charlotte? I keep thinking back to what you said about your estradiol pills tasting bitter. I've been on sublingual estradiol valerate for 9 years across both sides of the Atlantic and have had tablets from various manufacturers. They always taste nice as they dissolve, usually like a subtle vanilla.

The odds of someone counterfeiting a relatively inexpensive medication like estradiol are low... but never zero. Don't dismiss the profit motive.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Do you know what you're actually on though, Charlotte? I keep thinking back to what you said about your estradiol pills tasting bitter. I've been on sublingual estradiol valerate for 9 years across both sides of the Atlantic and have had tablets from various manufacturers. They always taste nice as they dissolve, usually like a subtle vanilla.

The odds of someone counterfeiting a relatively inexpensive medication like estradiol are low... but never zero. Don't dismiss the profit motive.

I'm no longer on pills as inject now. Levels have been outstanding since, and near the higher WPATH requirement at trough. Matches exactly as the transfemscience calculator said it would be day 7.

The pills were Indian market versions so not sugared like the others. They worked as my levels tested fine on them. Just don't think mid WPATH levels were enough for my body. I'm now many weeks injected and have more energy than before at least.

[Devlyn ✅]

Okay, fair enough. 🙂

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I've decided I'm not going to meet that woman on Friday and go out for Halloween. My psychological state right now is not capable of handling this. It's all making me feel highly overwhelmed and I just don't feel confident in myself. All the excitement alongside self hatred is messing with my brain. I can feel a breakdown coming on if I continue at this point.

I think i just need to accept my life is kinda over now. Go to work and then just hide away quietly the rest of the time. Keep myself safe and well away from everything outside.