Hi NelMy name is
Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!
I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well. I'm sorry that I missed your grand entrance here on Susan's and of course your first posting, which was certainly of epic proportions, better than Leo Tolstoy's,
"War and Peace". However, I will make amends as follows:
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMHow did I come to join? Well, that is either a very short story or a longish one. I'm hoping this is vaguely entertaining and enjoyable. I wrote this yesterday and now forcing myself to post it.. gotta love being closeted and this being semi-public
Well, I have certainly read your epic story, I was dying of thirst when I got to the end so yes it was entertaining and as I will mention later on I enjoy reading other members stories and where they are coming from. As for the "closeted" part I'm still in the closet figuratively and literally. Well what does that really mean? I just don't tell anyone what I did many eons ago and I like that part of my life very much. One caveat, my family knows about me and accepts me unconditionally.
For joining, as I have already mentioned I'm in the closet and for around 21 years that was the case until a Jazz Jennings story aired on TV and I joined Susan's and found all about this side of life. Yes, I'm still private.
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMLike many of you, this has been a part of me as far back as I can remember. Seriously, some of my 1st memories from before kindergarten are of me asking the woman who baby sat me while my parent were at work if I could try on her clothing. I'm sure I had no concept of what it meant, other than it was something I wanted to do.
The same applies to me as well, but luckily I kept quite especially in my childhood, goodness knows what would have happened if I was discovered, so that private part of my life was instilled in my early years and remains today. For me the one clue that I know that I have always have been female is when I came across a pile of clothes and I was physically trying to find something to wear and it was certainly not boy clothing. No, I did not find anything to wear and then I asked myself what would have I done?
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMUp to college, I think my life was pretty blah. Vague memories of me taking a pair of my mom's nylons she had tossed in the garbage and wearing them at night. I grew up in a very small not too diverse world. I don't think I knew what gay meant until I was a teenager, let along even heard the phrase transgender. When I got to college, I finally met a much more diverse group of people and learned maybe I'm not that different.
Other than certain memories of wearing the right or appropriate clothing it was pretty sparse until I finished high school. Then for the next 10 years I had some nice clothes stored in my gun box and of course it was locked! Me I have always been straight, but these days if I'm ever asked I say 95% straight and 5% you never know! Those words were never around when I changed my life around. So I don't use them to describe me.
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMAfter college I had an apartment to myself... most of the year. My girlfriend was still in college so pretty much only spent the first few summers with her. One evening I came home from work with her surprising me about going camping for the weekend. She had packed the car and ready to go. Great! Toss my work crap into the apartment, lock the door and off for a fun weekend. Next morning rolls around and we're getting ready for a day out in the wild when I'm digging for a pair of underwear and couldn't find them. I told her, she had a big oh crap moment and started apologizing profusely, she just forgot. After a while she offered me some of hers. Just very generic, nothing fancy, and they sorta fit... I was oddly happy. No... she didn't do this to trick me somehow. We're still friends and a while back I told her I thought I was transgender... she had no idea and while she didn't have any issues, she did tell me she probably wouldn't have dated me had she known... kinda hurt, but I get it... I really had no idea back then.
I was just thinking and with such stories that you just described is to get a collection of them and put them altogether into a book. Stories like these could make an interesting collection, perhaps called
"Stories Along the Way".
What happened with your first wife sounds painful, especially after you trusted her with something so personal. Learning later that she was in a serious relationship with another woman must have made that memory even more complicated.
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMAnyway... during the time she wasn't around I realized I was alone with a small amount of disposable income for the first time in my life. I have no idea what I bought, maybe a night gown... who knows. This was also the first time I realized that cross dressing made me feel different, often better/happier/calmer.
When I started working I was able to buy stuff from catalogues (like sears) and magazines that were for women. One moment when I was fully dressed and I had not ventured outside at that stage and I was sitting in a recliner, family nowhere to be seen. I said to myself; "this feels right". So yeah I can relate to that happy feeling and being comfortable at the same time.
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMA few years later I met the woman I married. We lived together, she'd go off to a conference and I would be alone again for maybe a week. Yup, I had a small stash in a box hidden in the attic. After being married for a year or so, I felt I needed to tell her... her being the first person I would tell. I can't say she took it badly, but she didn't take it well either. She'd tease me about it often, and ultimately 3 or 4 years later we got a divorce with her stating my cross dressing was the #1 reason, she didn't want to be married to a woman. Yeah that hurt too in different ways. About a year after the divorce I was talking to a mutual friend who commented about her being in a seriously relationship... with another woman.
Oh the irony of it all! I was never involved before hand so I was never in the situation of what I would do if I was tied down. So it was easy for me to pack up my bags, travel across the country and start living my life as Sarah.
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMI then met the woman who I am still with over 20 years later and hope to be with for many many more. I told her on our second date. I decided that I would not hide this from any future meaningfully relationship/friendship, and by then I had already told all my really close friends and even my mom. Our third date was me cooking her dinner and in a dress.
You have a wonderful partner and after 20 years things can only get better and I hope that happens.
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMFor the first 10-12 years of our relationship, I worked from home and she usually only spent the weekends with me. Working from home meant I was alone again, and with a much larger disposable income meant that I was finally buying "real clothing". At some point in there I only had 1 or 2 emergency pairs of male underwear (now there is none) I slowly just got rid of anything that could be replaced with a women's equivalent that 99% of the people in the world would just not know. And a handful of dresses/skirts/blouses that mostly got worn around the house. These days the only clothing I own not aimed at women are my sneakers and some t-shirts.
As you may find out I changed my life around in February 1989 and inside of 3 months I was working as a contractor drawing roads, bridges and designing roads. This was a trade that I had and it carried over very easily and it was one of the foundational pillars of my success. My long hair was also another one of those pillars and being young of course! I have the problem of big feet and usually find it hard to find ones that will fit. I got rid of my old clothes in at around the 3 month mark maybe a little later and my friend of over 37 years was watching me put them into the garbage bin ready to be taken by the trash collector.
So basically I wear joggers / runners plain and simple and when I happen to look at other women's shoes that they are wearing a good proportion wear similar shoes, so I'm not alone. In this day and age women can wear basically what they want. These days I wear leggings and a smock or blouse for everyday wear and I will dress up when going to parties, barbecues or other function, maybe a dress or skirt.
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMDuring this time I found a transgender club maybe 45 minute drive away. I'd go down several time a month. I could get to my car without my neighbors seeing and in a car you couldn't tell what I was wearing... Does this count as going out dressed? If so, it is the only time I've gone out in public wearing obvious women's clothing.
Of course going out dressed as you described, I would count that as going out dressed.". If going out "dressed" like you described makes you happy then go for it
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMFor several years after that she was around more often and I'd get dressed how ever I felt and things were fine. Something between then and now (maybe the last 3 or 4 years?) I started getting uncomfortable getting dressed in front of her. I had no problem being around her when dressed. Perhaps just me (probably not), but I have a ritual of sorts, and skipping things or getting interrupted in the process just kinda kills the vibe and I'll get dressed normally (though still mostly women's clothing).
It sounds as though the ritual has become an important part of getting dressed for you. Interruptions as you said, can change how the whole experience feels. Have you talked with your partner about it? Perhaps she could give you some privacy during the routine while still sharing time with you when you are dressed.
You mentioned that your partner usually spent weekends with you for many years. If you were living apart during that time, that may also have affected how comfortable you feel getting dressed around her now.
Only you can work out what is behind these feelings and by talking about it may help you.
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMA fun little fact? For most of our relationship, she and I were basically the same size and we could share clothing. More often then not, it was her borrowing my clothing, something I actually love. More recently she has lost a lot of weight. This also made me happy, for a different reason... she got rid of most of her clothing because it was all baggy on her now... and I got to pick what I wanted.
Another one of those wonderful stories that can be put into that book I mentioned.
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMSo, I've left a lot out, perhaps fodder for going into details in other future posts. But this does lead me to the last few weeks. She has been off doing things she likes to do. I'm alone again. I no longer work exclusively from home, but I have gotten permission to work from home the last few weeks. I've been in a dress or skirt almost every day, all day, all night.... It has been great and I hope it'll give me more confidence again to do my ritual around my wife.
What you have told is virtually your whole life and what you have said is longer than
"War and Peace". The only thing that is missing is of course the nitty gritty of day to day living and everybody knows what that is like!
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMWhat am I? I don't mean this in any derogatory self-deprecating way. I keep asking myself that question. I don't know. Some days I feel strongly one way or another, some not so much. I'm not "he/him", but I'm also not "she/her". I also don't feel like a "they/them". I don't have a desire to transition, though often hormones at some level is interesting but never tried. Also hair removal would often be nice. If I could have interchangeable parts to fit how I feel today, that would be fantastic.
You have every right to ask yourself how you feel about this and asking the question is not derogatory or self-deprecating. Only you can decide whether a label feels right for you. You can get support as you think it through, but ultimately the decision is yours. If a label makes you feel comfortable, that is what matters. I don't use labels for myself. The only term I use for myself is female.
You can explore those possibilities at your own pace and see how you feel. Hormones may soften your skin. Hair removal may help you feel more comfortable going out dressed the way you want. If you explore these options, your partner may notice the changes. It may be worth thinking about how you would feel discussing them with her and how they might affect your relationship.
Quote from: Nel on October 01, 2026, 12:30:52 PMThis brings me back to "the short version". Last weekend I found myself really wanting to go out. I hadn't been to that club in years, I should look to see what club hours were, but oh crap, they shutdown several years ago. I wonder if there is another club nearby? Nope, cannot find one. Hey wait, susans.org? This is not just a web page of giving tip or some other mostly useless or stale web page, it seems to be an active collection of folks wanting to just talk... cool! Maybe this will help fill in the parts of my life I haven't figured out yet.
I'm intrigued what is the "short version" of "all of this"? [1]. You seem to be just like me once my fingers start typing they runaway from my brain cells and they do not stop, but then again I think you may have guessed that.
This might ring a bell or two; "time and tide wait for no man" for you, things never stay the same all the time. Susan's is as you said "semi public" and that is the only way that I can pass on my experience without revealing oneself. You are right Susan's will fill you in what you "haven't figured out yet". I did not know anything about who I was or what I was doing. I just did what I did. It was only when I came across Susan's in 2010 that I finally figured out everything. Not that really mattered as I had been living my life as Sarah for 21 years by then.
Susan's is the place where one can learn, pass on your knowledge and experience in ones life.
Here endeth my tale.
Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads. I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.
In addition members of Susan's will more than likely discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.
Please keep in mind when posting that this is an
ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.
Take care and all the best for the future.
Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator[1] How to Train Your Dragon.
@Devlyn @Jessica_Rose @Mariah @Northern Star Girl @Lori Dee @Charlotte Kitty@Nel
