Hi KatherineMy name is
Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!
I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.
You said:
Quote from: Katherine Tiffany on Today at 11:50:18 AMSo, I am ex US Army Airborne Infantry. I am 54 years old. I have known for decades that I had a "girl brain" stuck in a boy's body. I had all the usual signs, but no words to put it all together until recently, yada yada stuff, that a lot of late to transition Trans women have all seem to have dealt with.
I'm an Australian and although I never was in the forces, I would like to take this opportunity to say; "thank you for your service".
I became familiar with the "girl brain stuck in a boy's body" since September 2009 on an Australian program called 60 minutes channel 9 "My Secret Self" about Jazz Jennings. Which led me to Susan's Place. I never knew any of this stuff up until I joined Susan's. Information in my time was non existent so I can understand your thoughts on this issue. And like me you will find a lot of information here on Susan's that will help you move forward.
Quote from: Katherine Tiffany on Today at 11:50:18 AMOne would think with my Army background that I should have a certain level of mental toughness to be able to not let society push me around. But, I feel I am a sad, weak and scared person right now. It looks like I will not be able to outrun the gender dysphoria. I have tried to deny and suppress it by coping for so long that it has become exhausting.
I would turn that around a little. I think you must be pretty tough to have dealt with these thoughts and feelings for so many years while still getting on with life. In my own case I blended in without any real trouble although I always knew that something was different about me. I did not suffer from gender or body dysphoria so I cannot really know what it has been like for you to keep trying to push those feelings down for so long.
You have a lot to deal with at the moment and there is no shame in talking to a psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist who understands gender issues. Sometimes it helps just to have someone to talk things through with while you try to work out who you are and what you want to do. I also think you are right when you say that you cannot outrun gender dysphoria. Many members here have said they tried for years to suppress it by all sorts of means yet eventually it came back with a vengeance. That does not make you weak. It just means this is something in your life that is not going to go away simply because you try to ignore it.
Quote from: Katherine Tiffany on Today at 11:50:18 AMI am terrified to start a transition. There is really nothing stopping me--wife is accepting and supportive of a transition, I don't have kids, ect... I have always had a slight frame with hips and a young face so I think the HRT fairy would be good to me.
Your wife is a wonderful person to understand what you are going through and to be willing to support you if you decide to transition. Having somebody beside you who knows what is happening and supports you would certainly make those first steps a little easier and less frightening.
From what you have described about your build, hips and youthful face I would think those characteristics will help you no end. In my own case hormones certainly made me look younger. I have had people think I was around ten years younger than I actually am and on a few occasions I have even had to show my driver's licence to prove my age!
Starting to take those steps towards transition does not mean that everybody suddenly has to know, or in my case I never told anyone about me. In the beginning nobody except you and your wife needs to know what you are doing. HRT, facial hair removal and the other gradual changes all take time. Breast development is gradual as well so these can all be small steps along the way rather than everything happening at once.
Then there are things you and your wife can do together. Going out and buying some clothes or makeup for yourself might feel like a big step at first but you can simply wear them around the house until you feel comfortable doing something more. One step leads to another and lo and behold you are on your way.
There is nothing wrong with being frightened about taking that first step. You do not have to do everything at once. Gradual steps, whether they are small ones or the occasional big one, may be the way forward for you.
Quote from: Katherine Tiffany on Today at 11:50:18 AMI'm suffering from impostor syndrome and that lingering thought of just being a "broken man"/internalized transphobia thing. I've seen multiple therapists, and they all say the same thing that does not seem to help me out. It's my decision and only my decision. And start with a slow social transition or do little things in secret. But, that just seems to make my GD worse.
Something to think about with the impostor syndrome. I have said variations of the following in a number of my posts over the years: "I am not acting female, pretending to be female or putting on some kind of performance for other people. I am just living my life as myself." or in other words my past life is a part of me still to this day and I'm not ashamed of it. That is why I have never really thought of myself as an impostor. Perhaps when those thoughts of; "I'm an impostor", start going around in your head you could remind yourself of something simple, "I am not an impostor."
A little context from my own life might help here. When I changed my life in February 1989 I really did not know what I was doing and I certainly did not take small steps. If you read my story you will get an idea of what I did. I changed my documents, changed my clothes, put some makeup on, started hormones and within three months I was back at work in another state living my life differently.
I can understand wanting everything done yesterday and just wanting to get on with your life. I would have had surgery the next day if I could have but money and the system prevented that. It took me about two years before I eventually had surgery. Whether you take small steps or large steps though, you are right about one thing. It is your decision in what you do and the important thing is finding the way forward that gives you a happier life than the one you are living now.
Quote from: Katherine Tiffany on Today at 11:50:18 AMI think my time in the Army and how it impacted me developing into an adult has had a lasting effect on how I am now and is keeping me from going for it. I feel like if I never joined the Army I would have ended up in a dress a long time ago.
How did y'all manage to go for a transition being Vets, with all the hate and push back that is out there against trans? How did you get over the hump?
I guess the impact the Army had on you is undeniable. I can certainly remember doing things that other men did although on a much tamer side. Even then most of the things I did were things a woman could just as easily have done. Looking back I think some of it was probably me trying to project an image so that nobody would start wondering too much about me personally.
The things I did in my past are still part of me 37 years later and I am not ashamed of any of it. When I talk about my past I do not explain everything about myself. People simply hear my past stories as part of my life and they see those things I did as a female. I'm quite happy to leave it at that. As for wondering whether you would have ended up in a dress a long time ago if you had never joined the Army, that may very well be true. The trouble with looking back though is that none of us can change what has already happened. You can acknowledge the regret but eventually the only direction left is forward.
I cannot really tell you what it was like to transition as a veteran because that was not my experience. I simply changed my life. I left my family and friends behind without telling them what I was going to do and started again elsewhere. In the end my family accepted me unconditionally for who I am.
As for the hate and push back, yes it is there. Australia has generally been pretty good in terms of acceptance although we are seeing some push back here as well. These things tend to move backwards and forwards over time and I believe eventually things will swing the other way again.
You asked how to get over the hump. In my case I never really thought of there being a hump because once I had decided what I was going to do I just did it. If there had been a hump in front of me I would not have gone around it, under it or over it. I would have bored my way straight through the middle of it.
Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads. I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.
In addition members of Susan's will more than likely discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.
Please keep in mind when posting that this is an
ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.
Take care and all the best for the future.
Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@Devlyn @Jessica_Rose @Mariah @Northern Star Girl @Lori Dee @Katherine Tiffany
