Dysphoria spawned anxiety and inability to function?

[4years]

Deviant from this thread:

... This is regarding getting my mind to work the way it should, in other words I'm trying to figure out why I have such a hard time making my programs. I hope to eliminate my baseless inability. ...

Beth commented in the same thread:

I understand exactly Ms 4years,
i am having similar problems doing the work i should be doing. Sometimes it almost feels like something inside me is holding me back from being really successful again, it is hard to explain.
beth

I know Beth and I share a similarity and one that we are not alone in.
Our situations were such that we've always known who we were inside. In short the revelation of being transsexual comes as no surprise at all.[edit] I believe I have misspoke here; From observation I've come to the conclusion that we have all always known who we really are and that the only difference is how much that knowledge has plagued us during the course of our hiding.[/edit]

This makes me wonder if somehow in the process of knowing and denying ourselves who we are subtle damage was done.

So my question is for any who have always known but did not acknowledge your TGess, primarily but any are welcomed to comment of course!

Le question is do you have a hard time doing what you are supposed or need to do? For instance things you want to do, things you like to do, yet cannot seem to manage to do them.

Infuriating is one way to describe it.

Perhaps from (life long) dysphoria spawned anxiety ?

[beth_finallyme]

Like most i knew i was different very young. i know i was wearing my mothers clothes at 5 to 7 years old because i remember doing it in the house we moved from when i was about 7. i knew my difference was transsexuality when i first heard the word and read of Christine Jorgensen in my teens. Maybe it is just semantics but i acknowledged it then. I knew exactly who i was but felt powerless to do anything about it. i am pretty sure the numbers born ts back then were the same as now but very few transitioned in the 50s and 60s. Most just tried to live with it as i did. It was hard at times but i coped fairly well for years. i became very successful in several business's. and in my family life, all while being transsexual but doing nothing about it. between 35 to 40 my depression started and just got worse as time passed. i suffered through it for more than 20 years and it has taken a toll on me physically and mentally. Now i have decided to transition and my depression is almost completely gone. My mental state is the best it has ever been, yet i seem unable to do the things in business that i have done before at a time that i want and need money more than i ever have for surgeries etc.

i understand how i was paralyzed during the depths of depression but it seems to have followed me when i left there. there was a period of several years when i considered suicide a done deal, with every birthday or xmas i would think "this is my last xmas" so i wonder if there is some kind of post traumatic stress. it doesn't make sense for me to be this way at this time. i feel like i might be getting better slowly but i'm not sure. thanks for bringing this topic up 4years, i need to concentrate and get myself out of this funk somehow.

beth

[Dennis]

I had a difficult time functioning before I knew what was up with me. Had periodic depressions, it took me 12 years to finish a 4 year degree, and I was barely functional sexually. I struggled with focus and concentration (I have ADD as well).

Now I function better at work and things, but my body dysphoria has got worse since I started testosterone. The foreign bits seem even more foreign. But I'm sure that will resolve with time now that I know what needs to be done.

Dennis

[Debtv]

"Sometimes it almost feels like something inside me is holding me back from being really successful again, it is hard to explain."

I have felt this my whole life...even now that I'm happy and not depressed. I have speculated that it is my anger and stubornness towards the 'way it is' (or our culture).

Just because it is known to everyone else...to compeate and become 'succesfull" is unappealing to me. In talking to my SO, I have realized that for some reason...to be considered succesful in our culture...The idea of it embarasses me.

You know....how other will show you their new home and brag about how they got it....they are proud...for me..its does not sound appealing.

What does that mean? I'm not sure. Maybe its that I'm different and I like being different. I don't want to be pushed into what others 'think'. Maybe I'm already succesfull for finding my own happieness and I don't want to be judged by values that mean nothing to me.

That said....I do know that the only thing in my life (at this point), that would make me happier...would be more money! LOL

Love
DebTV