a question

[Chris2]

can people like me who don't know anything ask for advice here?

I have a personal struggle that's causing some problems, and there's no one anywhere else who would understand

[Jamie-o]

This is a pretty friendly, helpful group.  It's not like a lot of places where people make you feel like a moron if you ask what they consider to be "dumb" questions.  The only time people here are likely to get snippy is when the tone of the post is disrespectful.  Welcome.   

Oh and if it's really personal, there's a "just for us section" that only registered members can see, and an FtM section under "just for us" that only people registered as "FtM Transexual" can see.  I'm not sure if you have to have made 15 posts before you can go there, though.

[NicholeW.]

can people like me who don't know anything ask for advice here?

I have a personal struggle that's causing some problems, and there's no one anywhere else who would understand

Of course you can, Chris!! No questions are stupid in here.

You might wanna place the post in "Just For Us" in one of the sections of that set of boards. That way it's not 'open,' if you think that too many people will see it.

Welcome to Susan's.

Nichole

[Chris2]

thank you...  I had computer trouble for awhile, am back now...

Hopefully my lack of knowledge won't offend anyone- it's mainly regarding modern terms/words.

I'm what used to be called a non-op transsexual.  in my case, that meant I decided against SRS because by the time I knew about such surgery I'd had kids & was afraid of how me going thru SRS might impact them (my first child, and years later my second). 
However, I knew who/what I was before I was 3 yrs old- a little boy, who was somehow stuck 'wearing' a girl's body.
At 9 yrs old I learned something else about myself, even though it would be many years before I knew what the word was for it- when I developed my first little childhood "crush" on a boy in my school, kinda "worshipping him from afar," I "related" to him as one boy to another.
Throughout the years I've heard/read comments about FtM ppl along the line of "if you're 'oriented' toward males anyway, what difference does it make if you're wearing a female body?"  not only does it make a huge difference, but it's the heart of the problem I need advice for. 
I've never had a promiscuous lifestyle, but in any relationships there's been one negative factor:  I've had no choice but to settle for straight guys- it has been very unsatisfactory, but the worst of it has been being expected to relate to them "from a female role."  (I'm not even referring to sexually, just in general), and that role is not "me." 
Gay guys have ranged from being uncomfortable around me to being grossed-out to "taking off running"-- this has been the case with ppl who knew I was TS and those who did not.  it was bad enough with in-person ppl, but also similar experiences online. 

the bottom line is the need to make a decision becomes more and more urgent.  I'm afraid ppl will say no one but me can make this decision- but I've tried and can't.  The way I see it, my only options are to either stick to the way things have been, or go thru the rest of my life alone.  neither "option" is ok with me, but I don't see any other...  can someone please help?

[Jamie-o]

Being a gay transman, pre-everything, myself I understand what you're going through.  In fact, below is a link to my first post, in which I asked a similar question, and I got some helpful answers.  And yes, the only person who can decide is you, though a good gender therapist can help you work through whatever issues you are concerned about so you can make that decision.

I can tell you that I decided, for me, the issue of whether I could find a man as a transman was moot, because I couldn't stand being in a relationship as a woman.  Either way I might be alone, but if I transitioned, at least I would have a chance to be with someone as myself, and not playing a role.

As far as how it will affect the kids - obviously that will depend on the kids and how you approach the subject.  I don't personally have experience in this area, but there are several people here who are parents, and overall they have reported that their kids took it pretty well.  (Ex's can be another story.)

Hope this helps.  Feel free to come on over to the FtM board and look around.  There's a lot of good advice to be gleaned over there. 

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,30800.0.html

[Lisbeth]

The way I see it, my only options are to either stick to the way things have been, or go thru the rest of my life alone.  neither "option" is ok with me, but I don't see any other...  can someone please help?

I think there are other options than just those two.  That's not to say it won't be difficult.  Finding the right person isn't easy for anybody.  Most people just grab one of the first ones to come along without caring if it's the right one or not, and they regret it later.  Don't be in a rush; give yourself time.  I was in my mid-fifties before I found the right one.

[Chris2]

I think there are other options than just those two.  That's not to say it won't be difficult.  Finding the right person isn't easy for anybody.  Most people just grab one of the first ones to come along without caring if it's the right one or not, and they regret it later.  Don't be in a rush; give yourself time.  I was in my mid-fifties before I found the right one.

yes, that can be true for anyone, it's not only limited to people like us...  (gotta admit sometimes the word 'us' is a good word, it takes the sense of aloneness away)... 

however, since I last posted, "it hit the fan"...  I don't know why I thought/expected/hoped it would be any different...  have you ever known anyone who was an absolutely great person, not only claiming that they were 100% Accepting Of Everybody but it seemed that they really were?  well, I made a mistake-  I found it difficult to process or understand how, when "100% accepting of everybody" seemed like a clear fact, how the unspoken but clear message 'but I'd never become more personally-involved with you because of what you are' could be a part of it...

the truth:  I don't understand...  I don't  know where the word 'acceptance' fits in, in this kind of situation

[Jamie-o]

Sorry, I'm a bit slow tonight.  Are you talking about a friend or acquaintance who is distancing himself from you since you came out to him (or her)?  Or is this someone you were hoping to become involved with?  In which case, is he gay, straight, or bi?

If he's straight, it may simply be that he is not attracted to men.  I know, speaking for myself, despite the fact that I am trans and fully understand what trans-people go through, if I were dating a guy who then told me that he is actually a woman, and is planning to transition, the romantic aspect of the relationship would probably be over.  That may be shallow of me, but I'm simply not at all attracted to women, so once she started presenting as a woman, I would no longer find her appealing.  I would hope to remain friends, but that would be the extent of it.

If he's gay, he may be reacting to the fact that you still look female.  (I'm assuming you haven't started T since you were last here.  Correct me if I'm wrong.)  He might come around as you become more obviously masculine.  Then again, a lot of gay men are seriously squicked by VJs, and he may never be able to overcome that.

If he's bi, then it's either prejudice, or he's just not that into you.  Love is a fickle thing, alas.