Transsexualism as a blessing, Mark II

[4years]

"I don't know what it is but it just won't quit." -- That SO describes how we start.

When I was still "getting comfie" with the idea that I was what I often thought I was but could only wistfully dream of becoming, many of Meat Loaf's songs ran around my head. I thought this kind of strange, as I was on a huge Nightwish kick at the time.

One of Meatloaf's songs, "It Just Won't Quit", contains a lyric that asks the question, "Is this a blessing, or is it a curse?" While the song is in no way (that I am aware) connected to things TransGendered, that question was running about my head my head for some time after.

I eventually came to the conclusion that transsexualism, and very probably transgenderism in general is a blessing in that it forces us to be open our eyes, it teaches us to ourselves regardless. It makes us question what we are told, what we learn, what we are. It makes us understand that we are special. It makes us see that absolutes are not. An if nothing else, it makes us see life from a different angle, and that is truly a blessing.

But all silver linings are not without dark clouds, and as I am sure we are all aware this particular dark cloud is very dark indeed. But nonetheless though the pain and anguish, the hurt and torment, the agony and despair. Perhaps especially despair. Through it all, those of us who survive, those who hang on to the so very fine threads, those who keep going when the reason for going is gone, when the want has left, when the end is a warm, welcome embrace. We carry on. Perhaps through it all our sense of self is strengthened, or our resolve is so forged as to be unbreakable. Or perhaps it is that last little light of hope... whatever the reasons we endure and we carry on. Very dark clouds indeed. To be forced to this, with neither option nor reprieve, without hope and with slim understanding. To be damned by our fellows simply because we try to do as they do, to be themselves, to be OURSELVES. For this it is truly a curse.

This duality makes VeryGnawty's term, mentioned in the first edition, of "blessed curse" particularly apt.


To be fair, when I say "wistfully dream" ... words fail to convey. Transsexualism will remain a blessing to me, even if occasionally in disguise.

[Debtv]

how true.....
"very probably transgenderism in general is a blessing in that it forces us to be open our eyes"

That is maybe our reason for being? I think that we tg are here for a reason...to further mankind.

" the pain and anguish, the hurt and torment, the agony and despair."

is what makes us have insights in our culture/

Mother nature does have a reason for us tg....we are made to realize things are not just black and white....

love you 4years
DebTV

[4years]

My take on the why is more of for self-evolution than that of evolution as a species. Though, of course, the whole evolves when the pieces evolve.

Just before I woke up and accepted life wasn't going to go as I had thought was planed I mused that I was glad I wasn't going to go the transsexual style life this time as I knew it to be one of immense pain. Life was quite painful enough as it was and while I knew I *wanted* to be a girl I did not think I could withstand the added pain of it all.

Now, I look back on that with amusement in that *most* of the immense pain that I called life was already Transsexualism, and by embracing it and no longer fighting it my life hurts so very much less.

It is not so much that I've been a bad girl, I think, rather in that I've hated how humans behave for a very very long time, males in particular. Males especially.

Why am I Transsexual this life? Because I could not stand to be fully male, no, in truth I can not stand to be fully male.  Transsexuality to me is that thread of hope, of not having to be male.

But life teaches us many things, as it is wont to do. By being male, even if only in part, I have learned SO VERY MUCH.  I have evolved and in so doing I want to teach. To help. So indeed, perhaps mankind will benefit from my personal evolution.


I think what little insight we have in our culture is due in part to the suffering we endure, but also in that it forces us outside the normal box. I think we are all aware that a different view can bring to light something otherwise obscured. So, I suppose by being outside the box we gain insight. ... If we look anyway.

Strictly speaking one can realize the shades of gray without being TG, but I think one thing is for certain if nothing else. By being TG we cannot ignore the gray.

[Sarah_Faith]

Beautifully put 4years... That is exactly how I look at it and I think most of us do.

If anything we look at everyone and everything in a different light. My sense of empathy is a lot more than what it would be had I not been given this life of discovery. My views and opinions are almost completely interwoven with my transgenderism.

I love your view of who we are; blessed.

Take care,
Sarah

[beth]

the last time we chatted bout this i said it was a blessing in some ways but the years of suffering and depression had taken their toll and if given the choice i would not choose transsexualism. i am now moving closer to your view Kim, i do consider it a blessing now and don't know who i would be if i were not transsexual.





love

beth

[kitten]

a blessing .... hmmmm, a very mixed one, if you ask me.

let me give you an example, i call it "Yesterday".

background: 1 year out, 1month on hormones, 1 week full-time.

so yesterday (friday) i had to see my shrink, went to town dressed, saw him, came home, no probs, even in the train, where some women struck up a conversation and probably thought i was snooty because i didn't join in, but my voice is still gravel, so i didn't dare.

so far so good.

so friday night, for the last decade or so a bunch of guys come over to drink beer and talk computers and politics.

last night they went out, including my flatmate ... and didn't invite me.

evidently i'm not "one of the guys" anymore.  well, i understand that, but it still hurts, and i've just lost my social circle in one fell swoop.

a blessing?  not from where i'm sitting. 

[beth]

Maybe it is a blessing Kitten, were they really your friends?  Would you drop a decades old friend because he/she did something similar? No, and I wouldn't either. I am sorry this happened but I know you will gain many new friends.






love

beth

[stephanie_craxford]

Kitten, this part of the journey really sucks when this happens, and it's really hurtfull.  Hopefully it's just a minor set back.  If you feel inclined, maybe you could contact one of them who you felt the closest too and ask what the problem is.  But by doing that you have to prepare to face the answer, as it may not be one that you are looking or hoping for.

[Terri-Gene]

 "a blessing?  not from where i'm sitting."

Yeah, once that door slams down on yer lilly white,  You start actually getting it, just one of the trivial things you get to play with for who knows how long?.  Things are prime these days though in compairison with not long ago, and we only got a little more then 9/10ths to go inorder to legally make ya a United States citizen with all the rights of such a citizen,  throw out the old life on it's ear, and build the new, from total scratch.  that in itself takes time.  Will be nice to have a life when it's over, but it's gotta be worked for.  imagine that, my very own, completely, with everything packed away in the experience box, out of sight, out of mind, unless I need it.

ya know?  sometimes to me I just get a feeling in me that when things get bad, and you lose friends, well .......... perhaps there are things you could have done differently, or not done at all, or maybe you did all you could bring yorself to do, but however deep you think about it, it's things that happen and it's gonna bite, just straighten your posture, place your eyes level and march on, but don't forget to frequently stop and smell the beautiful flowers as you march.

Terri

[Svetlana]

i have to still disagree.

any kind of horrible condition that anyone has is going to "open eyes to new experiences... make us more balanced... more tolerant, better more well-rounded people"... etc... etc.  but you can get that with or without the need of having it pushed on you by a horrible condition.

the horrible condition itself that we have is nothing, i mean nothing, but a curse, at least from my experience.  that i might draw inspiration from it to become a better person is something else entirely - if you start thinking along the other lines, you get to crazy notions like "war is good because it makes people work harder for peace", and suchlike.  the logic is neat and tidy, but it's not actually solid.  like, it fits in the hole of the 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle perfectly, but it isn't the right bit of the picture.

i keep careful with how i classify my positive and negative attitudes... it's very easy to fall into that ol' trap of making excuses for something when there are actual, real reasons for it.  transsexualism being a "good thing" seems to me very much one such excuse; that you might make good of a bad situation, being the proper reason.

i'll be so glad when this is all over.  i don't relish a singular moment other than the relief of the next bit of it being done with.  and when i'm done, i won't be part of the "transsexual community" at all.  which... i guess... is maybe something to do with why i no longer really post up on boards like this very often.  i'm very uneasy with the whole "our community vs your community" thing.  i don't belong to some "community" because of an unfortunate birth circumstance.

even the all-purpouse out of "of course there's a zillion things worse than what i've got, but" might not apply in this case... gender is one of those things so fundamental... i'll probably get flamed to hell for suggesting something like this, but what the heck, i do mean it... i'm not sure i'd rather not be starving.  seriously.  not for the prospects - it's much better to know for certain this is going to be gone soon, no question about it - but while it's here, is what i mean.  those people in the poor places still make babies with each other.  i can't have that, not until i'm right.  this is all wrong at the moment.

sh1t, sometimes i think i could be a poster-girl against suicide.  is a wonder i'm not doing that now.  i really don't know why not.  i just never happen to want to, i suppose.  and the promise of being fixed... makes it seem pointless.  never seen it as sad, though.  just... different.  *shrug* ah well, like always, what you gonna do?

there's a rather sparse and succinct saying that i like, which i think rings true:
"the meaning of life is dual - 1) to be, 2) to deal."

and that's basically it.  "here you go.  that's you.  i don't care - f'king deal with it."

no, not a blessing.  never.  beautiful in some macabre ways on occasion, but never a good thing, i can't agree with that.

[Debtv]

no, not a blessing.  never.  beautiful in some macabre ways on occasion, but never a good thing

Oh my......not a good thing huh? Ohhh hon, you cannot see the beauty in being transgender? It does not make us different? It does not make us see gender truth? It does not make us strong and open minded?

What the hell? We tg are strong, deep and we understand the human animal more than others because of it......

It is a good thing to be transgender.....if yer strong enought to see it.

Love
Debtv

[Svetlana]

one thing about that is that when you say transgender you might be getting at something a bit different to how the topic says transsexual.  i was talking specifically about being transsexual.

there is beauty in it.  there is beauty in some of the most hideous things in life.  beauty has no morals... it's simply beautiful.

i could be different because i don't choose to sheep along with the majority's majority.  i could see gender truth, in whatever might be meant with that phrase, because i am a considerate person who looks deeper into things than some others tend to.  i could be strong in the face of any adversity, to the aid of somebody else's adversity, or without adversity at all.  i could be open minded because i see what being closed minded does to people.  i would be all those things less the transsexualism state.  cooling down in the summer is good - i don't need to contract pneumonia to do it - even though doing that would cool me down.  you see?

hehe.  so thin, fragile my happyness.  useful to be reminded of that - had almost forgot.  must look after it until such a time it need no longer veil me.  certainly as of yet, i feel constantly and consistently very much worse than i almost ever let on.

whereas on the other hand, if (you'll forgive me being assuming here i hope) you were talking about the beauty of being transgendered as in transvestite, then that is one of life's too many things that i've yet to discover.

[Devi Ever]

Definitely a blessing in my life.

I'm not a very patient person, and knowing the cost of transtion, my gender dysphoria has been the biggest motivating factor in my life to get my life together and finding a smarter way to make money... which eventually lead to starting my own business, and ever since, I've felt more empowered and secure with my life-situation that I ever had in the past.

fun,
devi-

[LostInTime]

OK, I used to fall completely into the Absolutely A Curse column.  Then something strange happened.  After spending almost a year hiding away from the world I started to go out.  I joined some local groups that had a common interest and most of the people have been very accepting (even had a few offers of dates and other things ~wink) and now I find that I have good friends.

Recently two of those friends were having some issues in their relationship (newly engaged).  I talked with her and then talked with him.  I could see both sides and could see a bit of myself at their age in each of them.  At first I told them they had to find a way to communicate.  That gave it a nice start but I then did a few other things behind the scenes and now their relationship is very strong.  With my meddling help, they found a way to talk and to interact on the level that each NEEDED from the other.  If it had not been for the path that I now walk, I never would have been able to do that.

So while I may curse at the fact that I have to lay some money out for a bit of cosmetic surgery and that being incomplete is holding me back in my relationships, just helping them out has made all of it worthwhile.  Not to mention all of the friends that I have now.

YMMV.