"True Selves" a book to help my parents understand TS

[trapthavok]

Ok so I bought this book ::True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism for Families, friends, coworkers, and helping professionals to help my parents understand that my being trans is in no way shape or form their fault (because my mom tends to think everything's her fault) and to help them understand what it means.

I decided to read it before giving it to them though. So far I like it, but I'm going to use this thread to complain about the discrepancies I disagree with I guess. So it would be helpful if people would tell  me if I'm overreacting or if I'm right for disagreeing with the author.

So far I like that it breaks down homosexuality, crossdressers, and everything to show how being transsexual has to do with gender ID, not sexuality or clothing preference (for the most part). But what I don't like are these two passages:

"But for the majority crossdressing alone is not enough and they turn to hormone treatment and sex assignment surgery. Transsexuals seek to change their physical body because we have not found an effective way to alter the mind to match the body."

Is she saying as a doctor, she's failed us by not helping us be the IDs we were "assigned"? Cause I have a big problem with that.

"There are children who are not raised according to the sex assignment at birth. Whether the parents dress them in clothes of the opposite gender because they want  a child of that gender or they treat the child that way as a form of punishment or humiliation the result is the same. Long term depression and mental or emotional illness on the part of a parent may also have an effect on a child's development in a variety of areas, including gender ID."

OK my problem with that is I wore male clothes out of preference, not for "humiliation." but mainly my problem is that my mom suffers from depression and that last sentence may push her over the edge. She might feel horrible when I come out to her, and adding that it might be her fault (when it is not) because she suffers from her depression is not helpful.

[NicholeW.]

"Long term depression and mental or emotional illness on the part of a parent may also have an effect on a child's development in a variety of areas, including gender ID."

If you are worried, that's why they made indelible black markers, Havok. They cover up unfortunate sentences without ruining the book.

Nichole

[trapthavok]

Haha I might just tear out that whole page, but thanks, I'll look into the markers

[Chaunte]

I know that True Selves was the "book of the year," as mandated by my superintendent, to prep the administration, secretarial staff and counselors about transsexualism and my transition this upcoming 25 August.

[Elwood]

Well, when I was forced to wear a dress, I felt humiliated and uncomfortable. I felt like I was being put on display. "Look at the pretty girl." I wasn't a pretty girl. I was a pretty boy. I'd like to be a diva, but not that kind of diva. Honestly, I felt horribly embarrassed and my senior photos looked terrible because I was so uncomfortable. Most of that had to do with my body, though.

If I was a cisgendered male with a totally male body; a fine dick, a male frame, etc... I'd probably be a cross dresser at least once in a while. Try that for confusing, lol.

[TheBattler]

I brought the book, read it and decided it did not relate to me and hence I did not pass it onto my parents. Maybe there is someone's jouney written in a book that you can relate to hence you can pass give it to your parents. For me that book was "Alice in Genderland", yeap - even had the right name.

Alice

[Dennis]

I gave it to my mum. Not sure if it helped or not. I did find a lot objectionable or outdated in it. And the one thing mum took from it was "oh, so it's my fault?" I have no idea what that related to.

I think the positive outweight the negative, but not by a whole lot.

Dennis

[Nero]

I haven't read the book but I think the second passage you referred to is an example of cisgender children and not us. To show what a child goes through when forced into the wrong role. Although I do know some mtfs were made to wear dresses as punishment for being girly.

[trapthavok]

I brought the book, read it and decided it did not relate to me and hence I did not pass it onto my parents. Maybe there is someone's jouney written in a book that you can relate to hence you can pass give it to your parents. For me that book was "Alice in Genderland", yeap - even had the right name.

Alice

I find there are bits and pieces that relate to me, so I'm just crossing out or tearing out pages that have nothing to do with me. Some of the information I found so far may be helpful to my parents, but some of the parent blaming is not.

I gave it to my mum. Not sure if it helped or not. I did find a lot objectionable or outdated in it. And the one thing mum took from it was "oh, so it's my fault?" I have no idea what that related to.

I think the positive outweight the negative, but not by a whole lot.

Dennis

Yeah I'm glad I read it before I gave it to her. There ARE passages in there that try to blame the parents, so maybe that's where her reaction came from? The positives still outweigh the negatives so far, but you're right. Not by a lot. I may just give this book to them as an introduction to understanding transgender and I've even written my thoughts or experiences in places that relate to me the most so that they can see why I circled or underlined passages. There was one part where an FTM related to being called "lesbian" in high school and being made fun of for not wearing makeup or dressing like a "girl should" and I had the EXACT same experience. So I wrote about my experience next to that passage.

[TreeFlower]

     I gave my parents "True Selves" and "Trans Forming Families, 2nd ed.".  They read them & thanked me then proceeded to call me by my old male name, give me male clothes for xmas, call me buddy and not invite me to family events.  I guess they have to want to understand.  You can lead a horse to water....

[trapthavok]

     I gave my parents "True Selves" and "Trans Forming Families, 2nd ed.".  They read them & thanked me then proceeded to call me by my old male name, give me male clothes for xmas, call me buddy and not invite me to family events.  I guess they have to want to understand.  You can lead a horse to water....

Wow that sucks. I figure my mom at least might be wiling to understand, so maybe I bought this book for both me and her.



So I finished the book. Now it looks odd with various X's on various pages, underlined and circled passages and my own words in the margins, but I figure it's good enough for an intro to my dysphoria. I'm going to give it to my parents after all...now that it's been edited by me

For anyone else who's thinking of getting this book, go ahead, but either edit it like i did or take everything in it with a grain of salt.

[alexkidd]

Trapthavok how did your parents react to the book?

I just finsihed reading it and was considering making notes and stuff to and passing it on to my folks.

Did you get a good/postive reaction from them?

Did they already know you were TS before you gave them the book?

[trapthavok]

My dad is not acknowledging my being transgender at all. I think he's ignoring it, hoping it will go away.

My mom is still trying to cope with the idea of losing a "daughter" right now, so I don't honestly know if she's cracked the book open yet or not, but she does know it is sitting on my dresser at home for her in plain sight should she ever be strong enough to pick it up.

Yes, I waited until I came out to them before I gave them the book, it was kinda like supplementary by the way kinda thing, like "here, this might help."

I will get back to you in a few months about their reaction to the book haha.

My personal reaction though was yes, I did add my own notes, thoughts or experiences where parts of the book applied to me like the part about "trying to fit into your gender role (female) even though your brain tells you it's not who you are." I totally tried the girl thing for a few years, so I wrote in the book to show them that this is not a rare case according to the book, I'm just one of many. Or I also crossed out sections that I did not feel applied to me whatsoever, underlined important passages, and tore out pages that would hurt them (like the part about blaming the parent, which I listed in the first post of this thread).

I also got them Transforming Families too so you might want to consider that. It's a book about other families who have gone through having a transgendered family member, their thoughts and emotions at the time, and how they've learned to handle it in their lifetime (acceptance). I read a couple of stories in there and it was really uplifting, especially about the mom who's son was FtM and identified as gay, found the love of his life, and she was scared at first when she found out her son was trans, didn't know how to deal, but by the time he was married, she was behind him 100%, if not before. That book I sorta bought to show my parents that they're not alone.


I would say definitely write your notes. It might help. If you can wait til october (I might go home to visit) I can share with you some of the notes I wrote in the book via PM or something, because I felt it important to keep as neutral a standpoint as the book did, even though my experiences were very emotional for me. It's just something my parents needed to know, so wording of your notes is important, you don't want to make them feel like "I'VE FELT THIS WAY ALL MY LIFE, WHY HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED."


So like I said, if you can wait, I can help you out, or you can even message me some of the notes if you're comfortable and I can help you word them. I'm a creative writing major, softening the blow via writing is what I do best

[alexkidd]

cheer mate, that would be awesome. When Im brave enough to make some notes Ill PM you and see what you think 

[trapthavok]

cheer mate, that would be awesome. When Im brave enough to make some notes Ill PM you and see what you think 

Bro, I just got an email from my mom last night that said she started reading the book. She's only read the preface but she knows I've added stuff in there.

She said she will be reading it little by little to help her understand me, so I will let you know how she takes the book, especially since she wants to do one on one counseling with me, her, and my therapist. The book will probably be mentioned plenty when we get started.

Just wanted to give you that update, and I don't know if you're still working on your notes. I'm still open to you PMing me

[tekla]

I'm not sure a book, any book, but this book in particular, is going to answer any or all of their questions.  Nothing takes the place of face time and trying, even if its not as clear, to talk it out.

On the other hand I find there are bits and pieces that relate to me, so I'm just crossing out or tearing out pages that have nothing to do with me.  I did that with the Bible and got the sucker down to a very short - like five pages - story.

[Jeneva]

"But for the majority crossdressing alone is not enough and they turn to hormone treatment and sex assignment surgery. Transsexuals seek to change their physical body because we have not found an effective way to alter the mind to match the body."

Is she saying as a doctor, she's failed us by not helping us be the IDs we were "assigned"? Cause I have a big problem with that.

I think you are reading way too much into that.  Not everyone is out to get us .

Instead is she simply saying that there are no effective mental reassignment treatments?  It doesn't have to have an agenda.  I know some of my wife's first questions were along the mental reassignment line.  I suspect many parents/SO will have those questions.  So the Dr is saying "I know you are going to ask this so I'll let you know they don't work".  It doesn't have to say that she thinks we should reassign mentally just that we can't.  This could actually be a very positive line if it keeps a parent from falling for a fundy's promise of a cure via brainwashing "religious counseling" sessions.