Four or Five days ago I sat down and wrote what started out as a little note. I wanted to let my step-mother, my father, my brother, and my wife know how I have felt these last 25 years and to let them know why I was gone. I have heard that one of the worst things about suicides is that the people who care about you who are left behind want to know why. I care very much about them and didn't want them to wonder why so I wrote down what was meant to be a quick explination. Well. 6 and a half typed single spaced pages .... front and back... later, I felt that I had at least attempted to convey why. I printed it and neatly folded each page and put it in my wallet.
*fast forward to last night.*
Last night I was feeling down, well, I guess thats an understatement. In truth I wanted to see them and tell them I loved them in case I came to a decision. Anyway, after work I went to talk to my father and step mother, it had been about 5 months since I have seen them and they live about 15 miles from me. They know I am in therapy for Depression.
My father brought up the issue of suicide and told me his experience with it. I told them that I had thought about it and that I would give them warning if I ever decided to, which was basically a lie. My Dad was asking me about my therapy and how it was going, and I tried to answer him in short non-conversation tones, like, "It's fine" so as to not invite a response back so he would change the subject!
He didn't and neither did my step mother. They kept on and on asking why I was depressed, what they could do, what I needed, how they could help, they wouldn't drop it.
I finally told them I did not want to talk about it. Then my father asked me what my exact diagnosis was, and I told him "Severe Chronic Depression."
My father has had some experience with depression, he had thyroid cancer and was medically discharged from the Air Force after 21 years and he had a difficult time with that.
He said, chronic? That means it's been going on for awhile? Whats been going on?
I tried to tell him again that I didn't want to talk about it.
He and my step mother didn't say a word for about 5 minutes, they just looked at me. 5 minutes feels like forever in an uncomfortable conversation with two people you care a lot about just staring at you. I told them the only thing I could, you wouldn't understand, and it doesn't really matter.
It was a short time thereafter that I started crying and couldn't stop. I have cried more in these past two weeks than I have ever cried in my life. I couldn't stop. I told them that I wanted to die because I couldn't live life anymore. They wanted to know why, I don't know how, but I managed to gather the courage to give them the note.
*******
Let me take a moment to tell you a little about my father. He is a 21 year veteran of the U.S. Air Force, he has more guns than most gun stores, and he loves to fish. To give you some idea, he wants to go Kayak (an 8 foot plastic boat) fishing for Sharks in the Gulf of Mexico so he can 'catch a ride!!!' He is an Alabama Native, Crazy as Hell, and ... well... at the risk of stereotyping, he fits the classic defintion of 'A Rough Redneck' except for the truck. My Father, for the most part, terrifies me because of the way I feel.
*******
My father read it and I cried. He read it again, by that time I had stopped crying and was just watching him. For a sign, anything, he just sat there, reading it, nodding at some places, smiling at others, frowning at others.
Then he handed it to my step mother to read and looked at me and said:
When you were little, your first Christmas that you weren't crying and spitting up food, your mother took you to the store and while you were both away I set up the Christmas tree. I turned out all the lights and waited for you and your mother on the porch. When you both came home I led you into the living room with all the lights off. Then I turned on the Christmas tree, and you were ASTONISHED! You walked up to the tree very carefully, pointed to a Christmas ball, turned to me and said, "Da?? Ball" ... You had my heart then, and that will never change.
Then he said that this problem can be dealt with, he is behind me 100%, and that he wishes that he would have recognized it a long time ago, and that I would have quit trying to pretend to be something that I was never meant to be. He told me that suicide was just giving up because I wouldn't face my problem, and that in his belief, you reincarnate to learn lessons in life, and that my next life would be just like this one, but even harder until I got it right and faced it. He smiled, and told me that he didn't raise me to give up.
My step-mother was relieved to know that there was something that could be done. They have been worried about me for the past 6 years when I started noticibly slipping into a depression. She was just as supportive!
I wept like a baby! We stayed up and talked about my options and what I could do until 2:30 in the morning. I had to be at work at 8, but I didn't care. It was amazing.
I am exhausted today, and emotionally drained, I am dead tired, but I am absolutely in shock! It's all sort of a blur, but they know. They still love me!!!
He even asked me what I thought my name should have been, I told him Jessica, and he said why Jessica? I told him that I really wasn't sure, thats just what it has always been when I dream. Then has asked about a middle name, and I said I didn't know.
He suggested Sarah (after my mother) as a middle name, which I think is fantastic!
Jessica
