Me and a guy at work got to talking about how I go back and forth and changing my mind too often. Then he brought it up that maybe me transitioning to a woman was something of the moment and he said I may change my mind about that! I had an answer already served up though. I had a quick answer because I already examined the possibility my transition could be just a thing of the moment.
I did a lot of self analysis and soul searching, and this is what I got, a solid foundation ! A solid foundation is things in your heart and mind that has always been the same while everything else constantly changes. Think of it as a storm that blows through constantly day after day, year after year. The buildings that remain are a foundation, remaining unchanged and in their original splendor! Well the feelings I have inside, the traits, the expressions, the female has never changed!
(1) I have had boyfriends and the longest lasting relationship was four years! But of any guy I was ever with, I was totally ashamed of having a penis and a 5 oclock shadow! The first guy I was with was when I was thirteen years old, and even then I was ashamed!
(2) I never saw women the way a man see's a woman, I have no sexual arousal for a woman at all. I have a lot of times fell in love with women based on their feminine qualities, but not in a way a normal man does. I think the way I was viewing them was I wish I had what they have and the freedom to use it.
(3) Let's talk about comfort. I always felt uptight around a woman till I got to know her. But when it comes to men, I have this natural attraction and a tremendous way of flirting! of course society views me as a guy, so I have to keep those sort of things on a short leash. But I notice when I'm around guys that know how I am and I'm comfortable around them, I feel utterly happy, and yes, they tolerate my flirtatious way! Lol But I really do feel at ease, like it's supposed to be that way. I have the ability to pick up a guy, but I don't with a woman, I never have. This attraction isn't totally sexual, it's the whole ball of yarn. It's kinda like a completeness. I want the romance, I want that role as a homemaker! I am 100% more passionate with a man than I ever could be with a women. It's like it's built in.
(4) A couple of weeks ago I went to a transgender get together so to speak to support a transgender organization. I went out in public TOTALLY as my self! A cute flower shirt, makeup, my wig and painted on jeans. I was almost passable! But the point is I was so at ease and relaxed. And above all I was HAPPY! I asked myself if I can handle being this way my whole life, yes, I can. When I'm not around people that pigeon hole me or make me feel like a man in a dress, I'm free for that period of time! I'm happy! This is why I'm transitioning!
Some people that I know argue that I am not a true transsexual simply because I did not pursue this at a younger age, Bull>-bleeped-<! I did! But as I said in previous post, I never made that connection that I was a girl! I couldn't tell you why. Ignorance?
I always felt these things but labeled myself as gay or bi sexual because I was unable to interpret all of the emotions I had towards both sexes. I always wanted my beard gone, I always wanted to be more feminine looking!
I started hanging out at the gay bar every weekend with the guy I dated for four years, and in the space of that time I talked to a lot of gay men to compare my feelings with theirs, there was no comparison. I felt out of place even at a gay bar! I should have known then! But I carried on. The night I broke it off with him is when a guy walked in the bar I fell for. I talked to that guy and could have had him that night! He was gorgeous! I talked with him for a while at the bar that night, he said he was married. That's when >-bleeped-< hit the fan! I thought to myself, how can a guy this good looking want someone like me when he could have any genetic woman he wanted!
That night is when my world collapsed. I cried myself sick the next day looking in the mirror seeing my beard stubble work it's way through my foundation make up. I went in to a panic attack and got sick. I still didn't know I was a girl!!!!
Till early this summer. I went 8 years trying to push these feeling out of my head unsuccessfully. I found a transgender sight by mistake, being intrigued I started reading about how to date a male to female transgender and how to treat them. I read letters from transgender that was talking about their feeling. In a flash I knew that was me! Everything word for word! All the questions I had in a lifetime were answered in that single frozen moment in time! So now I know who I am. I can't believe it took this long! So bear with Scarboroughfair, I'm transitioning and may come of as a bitch which is why I'm limiting my communication with people in the blogging arena.
