Problems my Wife could face

[stephanie_craxford]

My wife and I have talked about this many times.  When I transitioned at work I had my own problems to deal with and of course my wife helped me through them.  But my transition will also affect her at her own place of work, eventually, as her co-workers find out.  My wife works at Queens University, one of the biggest in the country, and she has a great support structure in place there.

But I/we were wondering... it would be interesting to learn some of the experiences and issues that significant others here have gone through, in their place of work.

As I said, we haven't experienced any yet, but I'm sure we will.

Steph

[Sarah Louise]

My wife works for a college in Southern California (as assistant to the head of the psycology department).

She doesn't allow me to come on campus and never tells me anything about her discussions with her boss.

Sarah

p.s.  She used to work as assistant to the President of a Christian College, that was real hard since this group was very conservative and felt I was living in sin.

[Peggiann]

Sara,

I think it's good that you two can have compimizes and give and take on handling issues relating the public views. It's not just the issue of her "Job" it's the issues of the comfort to those you would come in contact with while on campus too.

As far as the previous Christian college goes... As I have stated before on some of the other posts,"They need to pray for Gods mercy for thenselves for their such harsh judgment." Their actions serperates them from God because of judging others. Only God can judge someone. He doesn't give that right to anyone else.

Take care and I wish you many blessing your way and your wife.

Peggiann

[Peggiann]

Steph hi,

Sorry I can't relate on those lines yet. Leah has chose to wait on coming out full time till his soon to be 86-year-old mother is no longer with us. She has always been one to worry over what others think and what would the neighbors say. His Dad passed away November 2004 and his baby brother last May. There have been 9 deaths in the immediate family on her side or Dad's and she has aged so much from the stress of it all this past year. Leah doesn't want to cause her any more stress to deal with.

Because my work is in this same small community, tutoring students and demonstrating at Tupperware parties and training new consultants to do the same here and in surrounding areas I have not had to deal with those issue yet.

I feel that when the time comes if those around us see that we are still as much the Newly Wed couples you see out and about, like we have always been and that business is normal as usual, then they will be more liberal minded about it too. I think if people see the significant other dough ting and concerned with the significant other. Then they may show some indignation for the Trans to be putting their partner through something "As Horrible as This" (they may think). But then again I'm the optimist in our relationship too and Leah is the pessimist. I hate to admit it but she's right more than I am too.

I took physic. Class in college and learned that people only fear or are threatened by what they don't understand. Education and knowledge is the key to everything. So maybe put information flyers out where you and your partner frequent. Not posing yourselves as look at me, but the issues Trans related and partners take on and families and friends support. Pave the way for acceptance.

I'm new at all this too but that's what I think at this point.
Later,

Steph

[Susan]

Sorry I can't relate on those lines yet. Leah has chose to wait on coming out full time till his soon to be 86-year-old mother is no longer with us. She has always been one to worry over what others think and what would the neighbors say.

I will say this on the matter. I had someone in my life who has passed away and any time I think about them I hate myself for not telling them before they passed away. That's my one regret from my time with them. I feel I should have told them. Leah will most likely feel the same once she does come out.  Once the person is gone you can never bring them back.

[Peggiann]

I agree with you on that Susan. I have tried to encourage Leah to share her true self in these issues with her mom and our sons. I think she will be very surprised at their reaction.

For one thing our youngest son has a gay cousin-in-law that crossdresses and is out. He dresses in masculin style when at something like a wedding or family gathering and where he takes into consideration the affect crossdressing would have on outsiders that don't know him and might be attending from someone else in the families invitation. Our son took it all in stride saying it's no big deal to him and even ejoys the guys company.

Our middle son came in contact with a TG ... M/F at his work place and shared how the other workers view her. Leah tried to contact this person from information share by our son but hasn't been able to. He left a message for her to call him back. They work for Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railroad as Engineers.
The Tg is fully out of the closet about it and our son see nothing wrong and says she's a great person.

Leah's Mom, I feel knows something already. But maybe not exactly what is what. I think Leah's telling her will explain things for her and make some statements and actions more understood and clear. She knew about Leah in her make-up as a child and the times Leah was caught in a dress. The alcohal and sering to make the breasts bigger. Then there's the marriage that ended in divorce over it Leah's desires. The Ex sent her a letter of explanation, what was in it I don't know but mom told me the letter existed only a few months ago. It was never mentioned to Leah from what I gather. There was also a point some 23 years ago when she commented that Leah should never of married me. But wouldn't go into why. I don't think she'll be judgemental either. She all ready thinks so highly of Leah and thinks her Leah's as perfect as they come. That in it's self may be what Leah holds back for. I now she is a strong christain women and believes she must forgive anyone anything they do and that she should never judge someone else for what they do or the way they are. We had many talks about this sort of thing during the time we carefor Leah's Dad in our home (Dad's birthplace) for the last 3 months of his life. He wanted to die hear and never go to a nursing home. So we made it possible for him to have his wishes. Oh sorry rambleing off in another direction. Back on course now.

I just wanted to say I agree. I know from experience how short life is and having wished I could have said I loved someone just one more time or say something I thought they needed to know from me, or I needed to say to them for my peace of mind.

Thanks Susan for providing such a place as yours for all of us.
It means so much.
Peggiann

[stephanie_craxford]

Peggiann,

It is so difficult to come out to those who are near and dear to us.  We agonised over this for quite a while ourselves.  My wife's mother is 85 years old and not in the greatest of health either.  At first we thought as you do that we would wait to come out to family until after she passed.  However it comes down to this... we love and respect her as she does us, so it is only fair that she know.  Once we decided on that it happened in very short order.

Firstly we told the brothers and then we told her this way she had the brothers to talk to about it.  It worked out really well, and although she didn't understand it, and she thought that I was just looking for attention,  she still loves us and still visits and phones.  Nothing seems to have changed, she calls me Steph or Stephanie and I think that we are closer now than we have ever been.  She deserves our respect, our honestly and our love, and to hide the truth from her would have been quite frankly very wrong on our part.

It's a very hard step to take I know.  Sometimes the fear of rejection, the look of disappointment, the fear of disapproval, and being cut off is overwhelming.  BUT, having come out to her has been so freeing, so much of a relief that we don't have to worry or hide from her or the truth anymore.

Give it a lot of thought, before it's too late.

Steph

P.S.

I'll send you a copy of the letter to my mom.  She lives in England and I didn't want to do it over the phone.  Her reply is posted here on Susan's.

[Teri Anne]

Problems my wife could face?  Everyone's different.  My ex faced different things at different times.  When we were together, she kept her mouth closed about my transition and so never faced what coworkers might have felt.  When we split up, coworkers were very sympathetic to her -- poor woman, "having to go through that!  He thought he was a woman? Ugh!"  When she began dating, a date suggessted that somehow my ex had caused my transsexual problems.  She was crying when she called me.  I assured her that my feelings of transsexuality had been going on since childhood.