to the Church...

[kody2011]

Ok, I admit, I'm not religious at all. But I'm going home on a Sunday and plan on going to my old church. The only thing is: I'm going as Kody. And only a handful of people know that I'm TS. How am I supposed to go about this whole thing of telling my church family? Any suggestions???

[K8]

I'm not sure this applies, because I was a regular at my church when I came out.  (Actually I was the treasurer and on the board.)  In our services, we have time when people will go up and light a candle for something happening in their lives - illness of a parent, acceptance to college of a child, that sort of thing.  I lit a candle and thanked the congregation for providing a sancutary where I finally felt safe enough to pursue a lifelong dream - to become a woman.  I had given a heads up to the minister and friends who would be there so they could support me.  I had practiced my little speech a gazillion times so I could just say it on automatic since I knew I would be nervous.

If you are going to the church of your family which you usually don't attend, I would look at that like any other gathering of people you know sort of but are not close to.  Tell the people who already know about Kody so they will be prepared to stand by you if necessary. 

When I meet people I haven't seen since becoming Katherine - acquaintances or the guy at the lumber yard I deal with sometimes, whomever - I just say that I am Kate now.  If I don't think they will recognize me, I say I used to be <male name> but now I am Kate.  Most people just accept that but some have questions.

Remember: You are Kody now and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Be friendly, gracious, confident.  Go forward with head high!

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

- Kate

[Alyssa M.]

Wow, this sounds dicey. Frankily, I'm not sure whether I would go. I am dealing with coming out at my church right now, so I've been thinking about this a lot.

I gather you are going with your parents, and they aren't really happy with you being a guy, as I understand from your other thread. I'd recommend making it very clear to them that you'll be going as Kody. I'd also strongly recommend that you get in touch with the pastor especially if it's likely that many people still know you there. Depending on the type of church and how well you know the pastor, you might find a very strong ally. At the least, you will be able to get a feel for what the reaction might be, and head off any possibility that you might be accused of trying to cause a stir. Worst case, you might be told to stay home; at least then you know.

Here is my experience: My priest (Episcopal) is quite conservative, but she is determined not to let the issue of sexuality be sommething that divides our church; I recently came out to her and we are thinking about what the best time and way to come out to the community -- some of which I know is rather anti-gay (and probably entirely ignorant of transgender issues). She is the spiritual leader of the church, and the last thing she wants is a huge controversy that makes everyone get mad. I'm not dealing about my parents' home church yet (where I grew up and have a lot of friends, and which is more uniformly liberal) -- but I plan to get in touch with the pastor there soon.

[Ms Jessica]

Alyssa makes some good points. 

I would agree with her pretty much 100%. 

When I came out to my church, I had talked to the priest about it, we decided to do an announcement, and I got up and read a little something I had prepared.  It was about 5 minutes long, said I had GID, was getting help, etc.  Thank everyone for their support and prayers, that kind of thing. 

If the church you're going to isn't full of people who know you well, then you might be able to just get away with being Kody.  If you're going to be running into people who knew you as a kid, then you might consider at least giving heads-up to certain people (as Kate suggested). 

One of the most important things is to be comfortable.  If you don't want to out yourself to a bunch of people, then just say that you're Kody, and that's that.  If you're okay telling a few people, then do that.  But don't feel like you have to out yourself to every single person you meet.  They can relate to you perfectly well without knowing every detail of your life. 

Be comfortable, and be yourself.  These things can be tough, but they do have the tendency to work themselves out, sometimes better than one might expect.  Good luck!

[Nicky]

So you are not religious. How important are these people to you? Perhaps they fact that it is a church group is irrelevant. What matters is what the mean to you.

My feeling is that you don't need to tell them anything. Just turn up, answer questions if they come up. Unless the whole purpose of going is to say "look at me now", why go at all?

[kody2011]

I gather you are going with your parents, and they aren't really happy with you being a guy, as I understand from your other thread

my parents aren't going to be there this week....!!!! 

So you are not religious. How important are these people to you? Perhaps they fact that it is a church group is irrelevant. What matters is what the mean to you.

My feeling is that you don't need to tell them anything. Just turn up, answer questions if they come up.

Half of them are related to me and the other half was always there for me when i was a kid....i only go to church in order to see them. And I think the whole don't tell them anything and just answer their questions is going to be the best tatic...thanks Nicky!!!

[Genevieve Swann]

When I'm feeling spiritual I just appreciate mother nature and when I do go to church nobody concerns themselves with anyones gender. Unitarian Universalists. Some refer to themselves as pagans. The most liberal and supportive religious organization I have discovered.

[Lacey Lynne]

So you are not religious. How important are these people to you? Perhaps they fact that it is a church group is irrelevant. What matters is what the mean to you.

My feeling is that you don't need to tell them anything. Just turn up, answer questions if they come up. Unless the whole purpose of going is to say "look at me now", why go at all?

Nicky's opinion is basically my opinion on this too, Hon.  If it's REALLY important to you, then, by all means, come out to the church people.  Be realistic though.  If your church members are progressive, you'll probably do fine generally.  If your church members are fundamentalist, prepare for scorn ... because they've been taught and trained to believe anything whatsoever that deviates from a very, very, tightly-defined "norm" is sinful, wrong, demonic.  I've been "The Fundamentalist Route," so I'm talking from real-world experience.

Hope it works out well for you.  Hugs!

[Alyssa M.]

This was last Sunday, right? I hope everything went well.

[kody2011]

This was last Sunday, right? I hope everything went well.

Nope, this sunday...getting nervous but i think things are going to go well...at least i hope they will...i'll let ya'll know what happens!!

[Suzy]

First, I would not do this formal coming out to the church without letting the pastor know.  I would strongly suggest you sit down with him/her beforehand and just tell what is going on.

One other thing:  I think the best thing your church folks could see is you, sitting there, being normal, happy and participating in the service and in life.  Give them that image before you open your mouth about any trans-related issues.  That way you will put it on your terms.

Best of luck!
Kristi