Talking With HR - Catch 22 . . .

[gina_taylor]

Now I'm sure that a lot of you have been down this road a lot, so I'd like to draw on your experience. What do you say to your HR when you've decided to start living full time in your choosen gender? Now my problem is that unfortunately i work for my parents and they already know that I'm seriously thinking about a sex change, and they're adamently against it. I've been on HRT for several months and my mom had a little chat with me the other day about what she thought she had seen, but fortunately she hadn't seen too much, but she did express to me that if she did catch me I'd lose my job which I'd been at for eleven years. Well at least with her installer problems, I'm the best she's got . . .

Any advice

Gina

[AllisonY2K]

well, I did a widespread letter campaign when I first came out. on my chosen day, I dropped off letters to all the important HR people, my main boss(es), and my direct supervisors. so all the important people knew on that day. after that I ended up switching departments and by that time everyone knew so I didn't have to tell anyone. now I just keep HR updated. when I got my therapist's letter saying I was full-time, I gave a copy to HR and one to my main boss. communication is key so as long as they are in the loop there hasn't been a problem.

um..as far as your situation, that's tricky. it might be easier living full-time if you didn't work for family if they won't be accepting of you.

[gina_taylor]

Thanks Allison for your reply and good suggestions. Unfortunately I saw my therapist for ways to convince my parents on ways to accept me. But unfortunately it didn't work, and I'm no longer seeing my therapist.  For one thing , my mom broke the confidentiality between my therapist and myself. I work in a very small company of six employees.

Gina

[LostInTime]

I cannot give advice in your situation as I have never faced such an issue.  I work for a large place so I contacted HR and talked about it.  That was followed up with letters and reference material and then the big bosses became involved.  I had to negotiate heavily so I could use the women's room and keep the job.  Finally I wrote a letter for the employees, it got the stamp of approval all the way up the line, and was then handed to every employee.

You may want to consider a change of employer.  It sucks, but sometimes a complete break from the past is best.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Dennis]

If you've worked there for 11 years and you are treated as a regular employee, you might be entitled to some severance pay, which would give you time to go out and find something else.

Dennis

[AllisonY2K]

" I had to negotiate heavily so I could use the women's room"

How did you manage that? I was told I cannot use the women's room until after SRS. in the mean time they converted one of the men's rooms into a unisex bathroom just for me.

[Lisbeth]

In my case everything seemed backwards and upside down.  You can't follow my advise. 

This company is only about 10 years old and I've been here most of that time, so when we got a real full-time HR person, I introduced myself right away as the transgendered employee.  And it was the other employees who encouraged me to transition much later.

[stephanie_craxford]

Hi Gina.

That's a tough one.  I don't know if you have something similar in the US, but here in Ontario, Canada, we have the Ontario Human Rights Commission that oversees, and rules on the very thing that you are talking about.  Although you are working for your parents, they are still harrassing you, and dismissing you because of any "T" issue would be classed as Wrongful Dismissal.  Do you have anything like this in the US.

Sorry if this isn't much help but I'm not familiar with the laws you are governed by.

Steph

[gina_taylor]

Thanks for your advice Lost In Time, changing employment is something I have considered. Starting fresh. My mom tells me that my transgenderness is disruptive to the other employees and so she can actually fire me right on the spot with really no explanation. Thanks for the excellent advice on the human rights Stephanie. I'll will definatelly check it out.

Gina

[beth]

                 i would quietly start to look for a new job. your parents are using their power as your boss to try to influence your decision on transition and you can't allow that. you are the best they have at what you do, you will be the best at another company also. i'm not saying you should quit tomorrow or threaten to, just start looking. look at working for a government agency or large corporation that has protection for gender expression. some will even pay for it thru their health plans. you are intelligent and obviously hard working and will succeed wherever you are.


beth

[gina_taylor]

Thanks Beth for your kind and heartfelt words. I know exactly what you mean though. I will start looking quietly for  a new job.

Gina

[LostInTime]

Gina, I had one company act like they were all open arms and one of the first things they told me *after* I re-started work in my new role was that they could and would fire me when they felt like it and that their team of lawyers agreed (I beat their precious lawyers into the ground a few years prior over another issue so I guess they held a grudge).  Yes, I got out of there.

Good luck on your search and journey.

[Jessica]

I wish I had something to add to the conversation.  I have no idea what I would do, I guess the only thing that you really can do is look for another job.

My personal thoughts are: it's a jacked up world when you can be fired, not based on your performance, but a life long condition that you are finally doing something about.  I mean, it's not our fault, is it?  I hate our world.

Jessica

[gina_taylor]

Thanks LostInTime for your thoughtful comment. Unfortunatelly thanks to the right to work here in America, an employer can fire me for any reason whatsoever. And thanks Jessica for your heartfelt thoughts about it being an ongoing lifelong condition. Unfortunately nobody seems to really understand or want to be helpful with it and most think that it's curable or just a  phase that I'm going through and that I'll get over it. It's been twenty seven years and it's just as strong now as it was when I discovered it and stopped denying it.

Gina

[AllisonY2K]

it's not that bad down here.

[kloud9]

Gina, I would find another job! It sounds like your mom will never stay out of your buisiness. I had to just leave one day and never hope to see my parents again. They swore they would never accept me if I went through with my plans. I also knew that if I didn't go through with my plans I would have probably tried killing myself, and yes I do mean kill myself. I have been 18 for 10 months now and I haven't seen my parents in almost that time. Once I started with the HRT and seeing the therapist, I knew what I had to do. I also  am doing the RLE, living every bit of my life as a female now. I go to work as a female, go out as a female and have friends of both sexes.  To be honest, I would seometimes be mistaken as a female by guys in high school even before I even did anything which makes my life so much easier now. I even get guys giving me their phone number while I'm working! Just make some changes in your life now or you will never be happy. When you do look for another job if you  haven't been looking already, tell them straight up what is going on. All my bosses care about is how I get my job done. Good luck!