A question about coping for those who will not live full time

[BunnyBee]

I use a radiation poisoning analogy when thinking of GID, in that all the feedback you get from the universe that tells you that you are the wrong sex is like harmful radiation.  Everywhere you turn in this wide world you will find things emanating a harmful glow, some things brighter than others.  But even the stuff that has such a dim emission that you don't even have a conscious awareness of the danger, like your own pheromones for instance, can be deadly with prolonged exposure. 

The other aspect that makes it like radiation is that there is a cumulative effect.  The longer your exposure, the less resistance you have to it's affects.  Since there is no way to avoid exposure altogether while living, the longer you live, the weaker your defense will be.

So how do you beat such an insidious foe?  Don't ask me, I totally lost, lol.  That shouldn't discourage you too much because I may just have had a weak immunity.  I guess if it really is like radiation poisoning, the two things you can do (if you can't live with the side affects of the cure) is either avoid exposure, or put on protection, or maybe a little of both.

I'm not going to go too crazy (or at least crazier than I already have, lol) with the analogy because it can be taken to the nth degree, so I'll leave it up to you to decide what constitutes protection and/or avoidance.

I do know that I was like you in the sense that being accepted socially as a woman was the only thing that helped, and just dressing in different clothes had a negligible effect.  I do agree with you that that does make it harder.

I really do hope you find a way to make life work for you and, most of all, fill it with happiness and joy.  Good luck !

[Just Kate]

So what are you doing to cure it?
I gathered from your comments and blog that you are managing your GID, rather than trying to cure it. Are you hoping that the process of managing it will eventually get rid of it? Or is it part of some larger plan that will eventually result in the erasure of your GID?

I had to first learn to manage it in order to be able to think clearly enough to know what to DO about it.  Learning coping strategies has taken time and trial and error.  They are also not one size fits all like I wrote in my OP.  Once I had it controlled enough so it wasn't encompassing my every waking moment (like it was prior to transition) then I began some seriously in depth study of it.  I am still studying it today.

I am seeking the cure by looking for comparisons in the research that has been done already and in analyzing my own and others' experiences.  I do not have a cure yet, but I've learned a heck of a lot about this condition that has helped me to learn how to not provoke it.  I think as I spend more time learning about it, and new insights become available, we will come closer to really understanding what it is we experience and then how to remove it (if possible).

The kind of research that I feel has been most effective has been psychological.  The problem is though most of the research into transsexualism is biological (looking for a genetic base or body problem) and not a lot of it is looking at the mind, the social constructs, etc.  Not that I'm down on looking for a biological cause/cure, but I think it more likely we will discover a psychological one first.

To note, I'm also working toward my PhD in Psych (though with my current financial situation I won't be able to start my residency until 2012, though I still work actively at the university with their gender studies program) so that I can open my own lab to study even more in controlled experiments.  I realize my desires for continued research and to find a psychological cure will probably make me about as popular as Blanchard, Bailey, and Co. but if it frees some of us from the chains of our GID without having to transition, the cost will be worth it.
Post Merge: May 25, 2010, 01:47:24 AM

I work with many, many trans people and I can tell you that the percentage of people who take hormones but are not and will not transition full-time is larger than many people think. Many people do not experience the I'm-going-to-put-a-bullet-in-my-head-if-I-don't-go-full-time thing. Does GID debilitate many people and make it so that it is something that MUST be dealt with in a ripping-out-the-cancer-at-all-costs way? Sure it does! Does that make the people who transition to full-time any more of something (more womanly, more desperate, more trans, more GID, more happy, more sad, more fill-in-the-blank)? No way!

I think it's great that you have been so introspective with your situation Interalia. I think it's super that you ask questions and seek answers that are not the rote rx for most transpeople. Although a lot of people who go down the path that you are going choose not to talk about it (who can blame anyone, even suggesting not transitioning can have dire verbal consequences in certain places) you are providing a voice for many, many people. I thank you for that. I too thought that the percentage of people who are on HRT and DON'T transition outwardly to people was super low but it's simply not the case. I support you my friend and it's great to see you around again Meghan

Meghan thank you for your continued support.  Though we walk different paths I've always been grateful for your experiences and your encouragement.  You are correct, I represent a silent minority (that I find growing every day).

Jen, I think your example is spot on, and yes it is up to us to determine how to deal with the radiation.

Zyth, I never thought of it that way before, but yes I can see your example!

I'm glad both Hermoine and perlita are finding this discussion interesting.

Vexing thank you for your questions.  I hope I am answering them sufficiently.  We are taking things differently for sure, but I can absolutely respect why it is someone would choose transition, a near definite cure, over some cooky pie in the sky idea there might be another way to deal with the GID.

[BunnyBee]

I realize my desires for continued research and to find a psychological cure will probably make me about as popular as Blanchard, Bailey, and Co. but if it frees some of us from the chains of our GID without having to transition, the cost will be worth it.

If one day in the future you feel you have found a cure, what will you do to mitigate the social fallout such a claim would have for this community?  I get the impression from your posts that you really do have a benevolent nature and I can believe you have noble intentions, but you have to realize any hint that this is all just a choice would carry consequences, for those that have already transitioned and for those that would rather not mess with their sense of self, which would be measured in lives lost and lives ruined.  Those lives hopefully will be a part of the cost you consider.

[Just Kate]

If one day in the future you feel you have found a cure, what will you do to mitigate the social fallout such a claim would have for this community?  I get the impression from your posts that you really do have a benevolent nature and I can believe you have noble intentions, but you have to realize any hint that this is all just a choice would carry consequences, for those that have already transitioned and for those that would rather not mess with their sense of self, which would be measured in lives lost and lives ruined.  Those lives hopefully will be a part of the cost you consider.

I can illustrate how I feel about this best by a quick story.  During transition I had a very dear friend.  She was about my age, and we were transitioning together.  Going through transition, we both had terrible trials, but we could always count on one another.  We became the poster-children for the trans community, young, intelligent, passable women that others found to be inspirational.  When I began to question whether transition was right for me, she never did.  We talked for hours upon hours debating the merits of transition vs attempting to live life without it and find another way.  In the end, I made a choice and left the path.  I moved away, though we vowed to remain friends.

A year passed and I was invited to visit her.  Returned to our old apartment I was filled with wonderful memories of the time we spent together.  Meeting her (now post SRS) we could see how much we had changed in a single year.  She and I were both happy but in different ways.  Both of us lamented the things we envied about the other and we shared a deep and abiding kinship that would never dissipate.

Our lives have mirrored one anothers' since that time with both of us finishing college around the same time, both of us getting married, and both of us seeking to adopt children.  She is truly one of my best friends and closest confidants.

I would never for a moment take away her happiness, the happiness she obtained by transitioning fully to the woman I believe she is.  I love her with the love of a tender friend and am happy she has obtained all that she ever sought after in life.

Stories like hers are the exception though and not the rule.  Few are as fortunate as she is (or for that matter, as I was).  Due to this I feel it important that if a cure can be found, that others be made aware of it even if the world will then look down at people like my friend.  The reality is there are far far more that will be helped than hurt by the existence of such a cure and that weighs heavily on my mind.

Truth be told, a cure is a MASSIVE "if".  It probably will never manifest and my efforts will likely end up largely in vain, but I recognize a calling to do it, and to date what I have learned has helped me and others like me.  I only hope in the meantime more people can find the peace my dear friend has.

Well hey, I'm an atheist - I work with near certainties, not maybes. We still need people chasing the maybes though, in case one of their theories strikes gold.
I don't hold much hope for your psychological cure; something like gender identity gets firmly rooted in our minds as children and I'm fairly certain that removing it will cause more damage than good - or drastically and permanently alter a person's mind, which will essentially be a death of self.
But that doesn't really answer my question of "why not?" with regards to you transitioning. Do you feel that the cure (transition) is worse than the disease (GID)?

Transition can indeed be more costly than GID in some cases.  But it is truly individual.  I have known some for whom there seems to be no alternative, that any cost associated with transition is worth it to relieve the pain of their GID. 

For me transition held few unmanageable costs (though the several costs I list are detailed on my blog).  I could have eventually disappeared into a sea of cis-gendered people as a young woman never to be seen as trans again, but I felt strongly that if I *could* make it without transition, I *should*, if for nothing else than for the sake of all those who couldn't disappear into that same sea of cis-gendered people who would lose spouses, family, employment, friends, social status, risk poverty, destitution, and potential suicide all to transition.  I felt those people deserved a chance at happiness too, happiness that wouldn't cost so much that was dear to them.

So here I am, attempted to do my best to figure out this crazy condition we have, how it operates, why it does what it does and ultimately how to fix it.  I feel I could still quietly transition into the night, but I feel doing so would be doing a great disservice to those I could potential help - seeing myself in an incredibly unique position to do so.

In the end, as I mentioned before, it may all end up for nothing, but ultimately I could not feel I was true to myself unless I was giving of my talents and strengths for the uplifting of others.

[Shana A]

You know, pouring your heart and soul into working to stamp out the demonising of trans people and the stigma attached to being trans would mean that the 'costs' of transition become no greater than the current 'costs' of being gay.

Making the world a better place for trans people is very important to me. I've been involved for a few years in the attempt to add gender identity and expression to our states' anti discrimination legislation. My partner and I have presented on trans issues at various churches and other organizations. I want to create a world in which it is safe for a trans person to be whoever they are, be it full transition, or living outside the binary.

Z

[BunnyBee]

Your story about your friend was very sweet .

The reality is there are far far more that will be helped than hurt by the existence of such a cure and that weighs heavily on my mind.

I'm not sure I agree with this because it will hurt everybody that transitions and most of those it might help may well have been helped by transitioning anyway.  I do know what you mean about the costs of transition, and I'd be all for choices in treatment if the second option didn't carry such dangerous consequences.

If you don't have a plan of how you might limit the damage your work could potentially have for people like me and your friend, then I really hope you think about it.

Truth be told, a cure is a MASSIVE "if".  It probably will never manifest and my efforts will likely end up largely in vain, but I recognize a calling to do it, and to date what I have learned has helped me and others like me.

I am pretty sure if you do plan on barking up the "psychological basis" tree that you'll be unlikely to find a real cure, but the cure doesn't have to actually work to cause the social fallout, it just has to be put out there.  The actual efficacy of such claims always matters less than the headlines, and the follow-through rarely makes the news.

I would never for a moment take away her happiness, the happiness she obtained by transitioning fully to the woman I believe she is.

I feel it important that if a cure can be found, that others be made aware of it even if the world will then look down at people like my friend.

You do realize these two statements are contradictory, don't you?

[FairyGirl]

sorry I deleted this reply. I don't belong in here lol 

[Calistine]

My experience and perceived numbers.  For a simple example, are the majority of the people on this website fully transitioned or not?  I recognize the population of this site may be anecdotal therefore I ask, are there more pre-ops or post ops in the world who experience GID?  I really don't know for sure, but induction seems to imply there are far more of those in the world who experience GID to some degree who do not transition fully than those who do. 

EDIT: But what do I know?  Perhaps my experience with the transsexual community was completely a microcosm and somewhere out there exists a community where almost everyone transitions completely and few drop out.

I'm glad you have tried an alternative before jumping in feet first.  So am I, so are others.  This post was directed at those who are not transitioning but still cope with the GID, in other words, those who are looking for an alternative.  You seem to assume I'm not trying to cure my GID.  Trust me that I am trying to cure it.  I do not fear a cure, but I can imagine others being afraid of an alternative to transition considering how much many have sacrificed TO transition.

I find it kind of weird that you refer to GID like its a mental disorder. It's just who we are really. You can not really cure it. I got desperate and wanted to resort to repairitive therapy but I realized it just doesn't work that way. All that matters is that you're being true to yourself.

[Calistine]

Well not all trans peoples brains are fine...I mean look at Anne Lawrence :3
But I digress....save it for another topic XD

[Papillon]

Jen, I am struggling to understand your concern about a "cure" being found for GID.  You appear to be concerned that such a step would invalidate the actions of those who have chosen to transition.  How would it?  Finding that GID can be beaten with a psychological cure as well as by medical transition does not

1) invalidate GID as a syndrome.  If it needs a cure, it exist and

2) automatically invalidate transition as an option.  One size doesn't fit all in the therapeutic world, just as depression can be cured with talking therapy or with antidepressants, at the risk of using a mental health issue as an analogy.  Well, we've had screaming babies and toxic radiation, so why not? 

If there were a wider range of "treatments" available (sorry for all the inverted commas.  Medical terms seem both necessary and inappropriate here), then there is a greater chance that one can be found that can suit the individual's particular situation.

Lastly, my personal thoughts on the likelihood of a psychological cure being possible.  I think we need to split GID into two components.  One is the personal identification of one's gender with that of the opposite biological sex.  My belief is that this can not be "cured".  This isn't a delusion, this is core belief with a possible neuropsychological basis and I can see little hope of shifting it.  And we know that brainwashing doesn't work in the long term.     

The second component is the distress this belief causes.  This could almost certainly be treated and I am surprised there isn't more research on this.  What would that entail?  If I knew, I would be a happy, happy non-transitioning bunny. 

And Jen, I can see your anxiety about a new understanding of GID potentially causing more problems for an already beleagured group, but you can't halt potentially useful scientific investigation just because some bigotted twats might misinterpret it.  If there is a chance of a Plan B, it really has to be explored.

[Cruelladeville]

There is no black & white only shades of grey....

And nice though that reality is.... many parts of the world simply do not tolerate or religiously accept anything else but the male + female = stable social continuity bit...

(Lie though it is)

So I applaud anyone that chooses to remain a blur or mix of two sexes....though of stern stuff you will need to be made....defo if you live say in a predominantly Islamic culture....or a place with less liberal views?

For me personally, my own story involves a male life that had become too depressing internally though outwardly I would have been termed highly successful (ironically)!!

Through my mid-twenties the inner girl seeking freedom and release became too overwhelming to continue to suppress and deny it any longer, (however for a short period I did turn to hedonistic partying/booze to kill the pain of it all off and play harder at being distracted)..... and for me as time progressed...secretly wearing clothes and dressing up simply didn't cut it anymore...so were not a workable solution.

As I worked in an industry with models.. it was straightforward to get hold of a book about Caroline 'Tula' Cossey... titled (I am a woman).... after reading it I was finally acutely aware of my own ghastly predicament...lol

The turning point came also for me by knowing that even though I'd met the ultimate female partner as such, blonde, beautiful, successful and brilliant with an IQ of 165....and we'd set-up a wonderful home life together... it was (still) not enough to keep me diverted from my true alter ego self...

Though for the first year or so while living with my ex I did with some turmoil resist it....but like any lie.... the ugly truth would keep surfacing.

I remember sobbing about this all one weekend, while she was away on business... as I knew in my heart of hearts how destructive this calling was going to be... and it did cause her family a great deal of distress, when I finally came out.

The turning point was late eighties seeking professional medical help...

Hormones were a huge blessed relief....mainly because they lifted a dark cloud permanently within my head 3 months or so of going on them....I've never suffered with any organic type depression ever since....

And after that when my (true puberty phase kicked in) there was never any turning back....with another 18 months or so I'd changed over for good...

And have never looked back.

In fact I would add I found freedom and glorious liberation.... once able to fill-out a woman's swimming costume, with some curvy panache...   I could finally enjoy the sun on my body.... and be no longer ashamed or disturbed by my false physicality....

(I had always had appalling male body dysmorphia... and hated taking my clothes off high collar shirts and ties were my daily safety blanket routine)

So becoming a woman physically was like coming into the light after a long period of dark...and if you invest masses of energy trying to hide and deny something you're not.... then imprisoned you truly be....

And what kind of life is that?

My only regret and I don't have many....is that I was born in the late fifties....when the condition was barely understood.... oh to be a teen now that would have easier access to a gender clinic....

[japple]

I too thought that the percentage of people who are on HRT and DON'T transition outwardly to people was super low but it's simply not the case.

How much relief does this have? 

[Cindy Stephens]

I have been on HRT for 6 or 7 years.  From the first 24hrs after it kicked in, I have not experienced that black depression with suicidal ideation that GID gave me.  Now I have also had all facial hair removed, and live in fem role when not at work.  I am married and have a loving wife who supports me totally and would have no problems if I transitioned publicly.  My fears are quite simple.  I need to make a living and would find it very difficult to do so unless totally passable.  I may do so when I retire. My point is to be an exponent of the "middle way".  At least until you can do everything necessary to be independent.    I have seen a number of girls in my support group transition and have it turn into a complete disaster, either with work or family.  The pain of GID that I still feel is less than the pain that I would have being poor, jobless, and friendless.  Especially at my age.  Now some girls make it into full transition and are successful.  I applaud them.  However, many more would be well advised to find a middle path that alleviates the pain, while getting on with life.  Sometimes I think reading others overly optimistic accounts are misleading in the worst possible ways.  I hope you find your own path, and the level of relief you need.

[japple]

Ultimately what is the real goal of all this?  To become the opposite sex or to relieve our GID symptoms?  I think we get that confused.  Sometimes those two answers are one in the same and when they are, go for it.  However I suspect the majority of us don't need to go that far to help us with the initial dilemma, relief from the pain.

I would agree with your but I don't see or know how to find people who find relief from the GID when not transitioning.  I read all of your blog posts and a lot of your message board posts and it doesn't seem like you're finding relief, just acceptance.   Acceptance is doable, it explains so many late transitioners.  I'm 36 and my GID has gotten harder and harder to deal with.  It's an itch I haven't been able to scratch.  I would love to see another option. I'd love to take a pill and have the GID disappear.  I am certain that my life will overall get worse the further I go in transition.  I am hoping that HRT alleviates enough of the problem that I can keep the amazing life I have but start thinking straight.  I like my name, my identity, am very happy, just feel like a stranger in my body.  Like my self-image map is wired wrong.

My therapist is bored with me.  The only problem I really have is GID.  Everything else is wonderful.  I would love to find people who have found relief without transition or partial transition and learn their secrets.  I'm sure they don't hang around here....coming to this board doesn't seem like relief.

[japple]

From the first 24hrs after it kicked in, I have not experienced that black depression with suicidal ideation that GID gave me. 

Do you still have GID? Are you distracted by it? Are you obsessive about it at all?

I've never really been suicidal...mostly very sad and incredibly distracted.  I think about it constantly.

[Cindy Stephens]

I do not know how to describe it.  It is no longer painful or unbearable to me.  I would still like to transition at some point, but that driver, that need to get rid of the pain isn't there. The obsessive nature has gone.  I can make social and financial plans.  I had previously put off finalizing certain professional designations, simply because I couldn't see how to integrate being transsexual with those goals.  Today I can.  I control it, yet I know it still has to be fed.  I can control the feeding schedule.  Perhaps that wouldn't work for you.  It certainly doesn't for some others.  Eh!  It depends on what you are trying to save in lieu of transitioning.  That will determine how much noise and distraction you are willing to put up with.
I like to post here specifically to present (with tact, I hope) that very side.  There are many, like myself, that for whatever reason have not transitioned.  I have been going to group therapy for transitioning girls for a number of years.  That helps.  Unfortunately, many of them crash and burn, losing everything.  I am not willing to do that.  If and when I do transition, I will have the financial wherewithal and support to do so comfortably.   

[Randi]

Cindy, I too have had the experience with estrogen taking away my dysphoria and confusion. At first I really really wanted to become a woman-and I still do- but the burning desire to do it now has subsided somewhat and is much easier to control. I still want to be feminine but I am not in such a hurry as I too have others who depend upon me and I have much to loose in the process. Now I only use estrogen when I become distressed and distracted beyond what I can easily deal with. Thanks for posting your thoughts-no, you are not the only one who feels this way. Japple, PM me if you want to.
Randi

[Simone Louise]

Cindy, I too have had the experience with estrogen taking away my dysphoria and confusion. At first I really really wanted to become a woman-and I still do- but the burning desire to do it now has subsided somewhat and is much easier to control. I still want to be feminine but I am not in such a hurry as I too have others who depend upon me and I have much to loose in the process. Now I only use estrogen when I become distressed and distracted beyond what I can easily deal with. Thanks for posting your thoughts-no, you are not the only one who feels this way. Japple, PM me if you want to.
Randi

I went for an initial meeting with my gender therapist Thursday (actually a second meeting, but it took so long to get the insurance on board, it was a second initial meeting). Outside of writing here on Susan's and talking with my wife, she is the first person with whom I have reviewed my 60-65 year history of "dysphoria and confusion". And the confusion is compounded by having a wife of many years, with whom I  am as close as I believe any two people can be, four adult children who are emotionally very close (though geographically a little scattered), and three grandchildren. Because I am a woman, these relationships are my life.

And yet, every time I am the sole "man" in a group of women, and they apologize to me and act differently in my presence, it sets off a terrible yearning within. And every time I bump into something or step on something because my body isn't the one it feels like within, I feel that yearning though I know no amount of surgery can fix that part of dysphoria. And when my wife said she wished I could give birth to our baby, I said: So do I, so do I, but there still is no medical treatment that can give me a functioning uterus and ovaries. I haven't cross dressed since I was a teen, because I know that a dress on these clumsy bones only makes matters worse.

I did take finasteride for a medical problem three years ago, and found the psychological effects incredible. So when my therapist asked if I had considered taking estrogen I answered yes, probably visibly enthusiastically. She says we still have a lot of work to do first, but your posting puts me in such an optimistic frame of mind, I had to say thank you!

In the meantime, I am thankful to have a wife who lets me play working housewife. It is a much easier role than workaholic absentee father. Tonight we both enjoyed eating a dinner of steak with barbecue rub, brussels sprouts with mustard sauce, and a variation of potatoes Anna, and the compliments she gave me were definitely therapeutic.

S

[Just Kate]

Estrogen had a similar effect with me and even though I haven't taken it for nearly 6 months now, it set off a chain of events that have pushed my GID out of the limelight.  It isn't the force it used to be and I feel the estrogen helped a ton - not as a permanent fix, but like with depression meds it helped me think clearly enough for a time to work out some real solutions and now, I've never been more free.

[Naari]

So my question goes, for those who are not undergoing full time living, do you feel your GID is less intense when you give it some limited expression, and if so, how do you express it?

I allowed myself limited expression for 20 years. Each small step did help to decrease my overall anxiety and feelings of hopelessness but it was only a temporary fix. After the feeling of accomplishment and relief subsided, I often found myself left with an even more intense desire to transition. After exhausting practically every form of 'limited expression' that exists there was nothing left for me to do short of rot away or transition. I do think that limited expression should be explored if it has not. I also think that each case is unique and what may not work for one, may work well for another. In my case, it was only a matter of time before this form of coping had completely exhausted itself. Besides only being a temporary fix, I began to increasingly feel that these limited forms of expression were creating a false sense of who I really was. I was attempting to cope with something I felt was inevitable but impossible.

I became a twisted version of who I really was. I tried vehemently to identify as a 'crossdresser' or 'part time' but I could never assimilate this into my brain. It ultimately caused me even more confusion and pain. After many years, I was left with a feeling of emptiness and isolation. I was living underneath the largest weight I could ever imagine. It took a lot of courage and determination to move that weight off of me as it blocked my entire life and sense of who I was. The only thing that brought me out of that funk was to take control of the situation and express myself to the fullest. To limit my expression at that point was to die. I finally conquered my fears of transitioning, which were, in reality, the only thing blocking the rest of my life. Upon making that momentous decision, before even injecting the first shot of E, I was overtaken by such a sense of relief it is beyond words to try to explain. Finally it was over, so to speak. There have been new issues and problems to face upon making that decision, but they do not hold a candle to the weight that was suffocating me. I no longer have an issue with being who I am or doing what I feel is right for me. I am now in the process of transitioning, and while I am moving with a strong determination, it is no longer the focus of my life nor do I constantly battle with myself about what to do. I am finally proceeding with the rest of my life. A very interesting side effect of making that decision is that I no longer feel a desire to seek forms of limited expression, even though I am not yet living 'fulltime' by the most common interpretation of the phrase.