~~~~~~~~~~~~~THE LADDER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a fairly recent arrival to the transgendered "community", for
want of a better word, having first made contact with you all in
January of this year. Until that time, I traveled this road in total
isolation-- had never spoken to or met another person like me.
In the four months since my first foray onto the internet, specifically
into the various chatrooms for the transgendered, I have met many
fine and caring people. Overall, this has been a real plus in my life.
But sadly, the minuses are starting to pile up, too.
I've been married for almost twelve years. My current status is:
separated, pending divorce finalization. There are many factors why
this union failed, and it is not important to explain them here. The
loss of family and friends when one is to any degree transsexual is
simply "par for the course," so I'll just say that I'm shooting par.
Although divorcing, my wife and I remain friends, which I suppose is
a rarity. We talk on the phone regularly, and go out on platonic
dates on Saturdays. Last night was no exception.
You know the routine: dinner and a movie.
So, we're having some Chinese food and the conversation is slight.
This has always been one of my pet peeves. Caryn will bend your ear
on the phone, but at the dinner table, or in a restaurant she is
generally silent. I don't like eating publicly without making small
talk, so I tend to chatter a bit. I lead, she listens. Again, it was
the same routine last night.
After hitting on several innocuous topics, I got to a couple of
things that have been of concern to me, and perhaps, you too!
Next Saturday afternoon, I'm taking another big step in this growth
process. There is a conference being held in Orlando where the guest
speaker, Dr Sheila Kirk of Pittsburgh, will discuss SRS and other
cosmetic procedures. Surgery is not in my immediate plans, simply
because of financial considerations. I am attending this meeting
primarily to visit with a couple of friends that I met in chat, and to
get acquainted, hopefully with others like me. It will be my first ever
visit within our "community."
I hate to say this, but I fear this will be a very bad experience
for me, overall. I'll try to explain my trepidation....
Last Sunday night I was live chatting with a couple of ladies
who, like me, live in Florida. I asked if they would be attending
the seminar in Orlando. One, who I'll call "Cee," said: MAYBE.
"Well, I'LL be there...but in disguise! I'll be wearing jeans. Most
of the women I know dress like this, and so do I. Just an old hippie!"
Her next post to me sounded incredulous, if not incensed. "How could
you go to a TG meeting and not dress for it?!?" I tried to explain
my situation as best I could, but got absolutely nowhere with her. In
fact, she ignored my posts and talked to others until I got the
message: --go away!-- So, sadly, I did....
Are you wondering why I'd choose to go there not as Annie, but as
Paul? It's simple. I can't pass! I don't like to be stared at, or
ridiculed. I just want to go through my life as unnoticed as possible.
Even when I finally have my surgery one day, I will still present
myself as male in public- won't change gender status or name on my
driver's license, either. Do you find this at all hard to fathom?
Well, I find it hard to believe that I should be ostracized among my
own kind, an already sorely oppressed minority, simply because of my
life choices. Don't you think I'd love to be me all the time?
This is the issue--- It's what I call "The Ladder."
There seems to be among us a self-imposed hierarchy, that I for one
will not buy into! It's similar to the Indian caste system, or the way
African Americans sometimes think of themselves as better or worse
dependent on the shading of their skin. It is all arbitrary, and it is
all nonsense!
There are rungs on this imaginary ladder that some gals want to place
you on. At the very top rung is the post-op TS who lives as female. On
the bottom-most rung......is me! Or so they would have it.....
Here is how I think this "ladder" is ranked, from top-to-bottom:
Post-Op TS, living as female
Pre-Op TS, living as female
Non-Op TS, living as female
CD, living as female
Pre-Op TS, living in both genders
Non-Op TS, living in both genders
CD, living in both genders
CD, living as male, but appearing publicly
as female on occasion
CD, male exclusively, but at home "en-femme"
among family and/or friends
CD, only "dressed" when alone
And then, me: Pre-Op TS, on HRT- living as male, never dresses
as female, and may never will. It's not my issue!
There is much trouble ahead for me. I will undoubtedly be an object
of derision and scorn at that meeting. I can understand why, too.
They will think me a pretender or a coward. They fight the battle in
the trenches, I choose the path of least resistance, where the outside
world is concerned. So, I will be the pariah...the laughingstock...
the object of negative attention, in spite of my wishes and best
efforts, even among my own sisters! This really hurts me!
These are the things I talked about over Chinese food with my wife.
As usual, she listened and offered no comment or insight. I was left
to digest dinner and my thoughts privately.
The time arrived that we should start making our way to the theater.
Before we left, we had our ritualistic dessert...a scoop of pistachio
ice cream, served with a fortune cookie. I always enjoy reading my
fortune, don't you? I'm looking right now at the slip of paper that
came with my cookie. Here is its ironic message to me:
YOU WILL BE RECOGNIZED AND HONORED AS A COMMUNITY LEADER.
My friend.......Do YOU think so?.........With love, from Ann Marie Stuart
**********************************************************
tinkerbell
