Support for Siblings

[becky]

My brother of 50 years has recently "come out" to family and friends, and wants to live the rest of his life as his true self--a woman.  I want to be supportive of his choice, but I am feeling angry and sad.  I recently lost my only other brother to cancer, and feel as if I am losing my other brother.  I cannot think of him as a sister.  I have searched for books and articles, but find that most are written for parents or spouses.  There is very little information to help siblings deal with transitions.  I have looked into PFLAG, but do not think their issues would be the same as mine, as well as the inconvenience-- since I live in a small rural community, I would have to travel to get to the nearest PFLAg support group.

I would like to know how others have dealt with their feelings and a new life with a trans sibling.
Becky

[Terri-Gene]

Hello Becky, I can relate to what you are going through but from the opposite end of the situation.  I myself have 4 younger brothers who have had simular thughts and feelings about myself as you have about your brother. One of my own brothers has not spoken to me or called me for any reason in more then 20 years, one I have not communicated with in 7 years, one who has had no relationship with me for at least that long, but did call me to inquire about my condition during medical difficulties, and one who expressed to me that he loved me regardless, but has not communicated with me for at least two years now and has moved, changing his phone number without advising me beforehand.  None of them had ever actually sat down with me and tried to understand why I was as I was and did as I did.

speaking from the transgendered side of the issue, it would help if you simply sat down with your new sister and simply got to know her as she is now and not as you remember her as him.  You already know many of her likes and dislikes and how she reacts to certain stimulus, but you may be surprised at the depth of her feelings and her vulnurabilities which may have been hidden, not only from you, but from everyone.

Books and support groups have their place, but nothing on this earth will be more effective then simply sitting down with her about not only her feelings, but your own.  If it turns out that you find things to like in the new woman, then you can be of invaluable assistance to her in terms of understanding, love and support, and at the same time learn much about yourself and your own relationship with the world.

such things are not easy to accept and there is always concern for the social consiquences and what it means to you personnally, but if you truely love you sibling, and wish her the best, then getting to know her and understand her as she is, not as she represented herself in the past, is truely important to the both of you.

I hope you make the effort and find a new person to love and take pride in.  It is in a very real sense, a death and rebirth of an individual, complete with a new childhood, adolicence and adulthood.  She will need help through these stages that she will face and for a time will need protection from herself, and mature guidence, just as any child growing up in an adult world.

Terri

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Becky.

Welcome to Susan's, Terri is quite right, and hit the nail on the head, so to speak, communication is the key to your relationship with your brother.  I can somewhat relate to your plight, my wife' brother (we are in our 50's) sat down with her to discuss my transsexuality, and my transition, and he is the first one who has said that he doesn't want to visit us any more because of it (he didn't visit that much to start with).  However this devastated my wife for days, until she realised that she has to get on with her/our life, with or with out the support of her brother.  He was an important part of her life but now he's gone, everyone looses.

I think is really comes down to two choices; you stay in the relationship with your new sister, or you don't.  I don't think that there can be a halfway solution.  One thing to ask yourself is how would you treat one of your children if he or she came to you and said they were different, gay, lesbian, transgendered.  Would you still love and support them?  I think the answer would be yes.

As Terri said, talk to your sister, find out about her, lover her and support her, you know what it's like to loose a sibling.  Your brother has changed on the outside, but the essence of his soul has not, in fact her feelings, thoughts, convictions are probably still the same as you knew.

Remember that this is hard for you both, but to solve the issues you must face them, talk, then talk, then talk some more.  As you've discovered, support for brothers, sisters, and children of transgendered people is really hard to find, even this site is limited to a few general statements, so be sure to keep us posted on how things progress.

Take care

Steph

[stephanie]

Becky,

One thing to understand is that this is how your sister has been all her life, so you're not really losing anything.  When people come out and wish to transition, they're not changing who they are, they're changing what they look like.  I would agree with everyone's replies in that you should sit down and talk with her.  Please understand that by coming out to you, your brother was reaching out for your help.  If she felt she could do it on her own, she probably wouldn't have bothered.

I recently told one of my sisters about my transsexuality.  Even though I was fairly certain she would take it well, I was very nervous and not sure about how to bring it up.  Finally I just said it and was amazed by how well she took it.  I felt very reassured that she would be one of my strongest supporters, especially since the rest of my family will most likely not take the news well.

It's important for MtF's to have a strong support circle, but I also understand where you're coming from.  It difficult to realize how this person, whom you've known your entire life, could have been hiding something so important her entire life and never shown it.  You feel like your brother is turning 180 degrees and changing everything.  Please keep an open mind with this, because she's been keeping this inside for a very long time, and that alone has probably taken its toll.  I want to stress that you're not losing anything, you're simply seeing things from a brand new perspective, and that's always unnerving.  But she's not changing who she is, simply changing her appearance.

Wish you and your brother all the best.

The other Steph

[becky]

Thanks to all who have replied to my quest.  I appreciate your perspectives on this. Supporting my sibling (can't think of him as a sister yet--it may take a while!) is not the issue.  We have always been close, and there was no question in my mind that I would love him and support him no matter what. My dad is in his 80's, and is supportive as well, even though I know what turmoil he must be going through, as a retired Presbyterian minister!! But he says, Dani is his child no matter what, and he would rather see him happy as a woman than to lose him to suicide.  Daddy has also said that he had the same feeling when Dani told him of his choice as he did when he learned of my other brother's terminal cancer. He was losing another son.

I am in closer contact with my sibling now in the last few months than we have been for a long time.  Weekly, lengthy phone conversations, because I know he is lonely.  He has moved out of his home, his wife of 25 years is divorcing him, his older daughter is not speaking to him, and is only allowing him to come to her wedding if he cuts his hair and does not dress "weird".  He will not be giving her away--her maternal uncle will. Dani is allowed to attend the wedding, but is not invited to the reception.

My anger is not directed at my sibling.  My anger is for the whole situation.  I have always known my brother was "different', and for a time I thought he was gay.  So I was neither shocked or surprised when he told me of his choice to become a woman.  My sadness is for what he has been hiding (or thoght he was hiding) all these years, and for my lovely sister-in-law who thought she had the perfect marriage because her spouse was so empathetic and kind.

My problem right now with my sibling is the weird conversations!  I do not want to hear the details about his growing breasts or his shrinking genitals, but that is what I am getting every week when he calls me or I call him, even though I have told him this is not what I want to hear.  He constantly turns the conversation back to that.  I understand that is what he is totally focused on right now, and it is exciting to him, but I don't want to know the details. Nor can I share his enthusiasm.  When I was "growing up" and when my daughter was turning into a young woman, THAT was not the whole focus of our lives.  I keep telling Dani that WOMEN talk about other things MOST of the time!!!  It takes me several days to recover emotionally and mentally from our conversations. 

Loving my sibling and supporting his decision will never be a problem.  I need to know how to make the adjustment from the person I thought he was all our lives to who he is becoming now. He was a cute little precious boy, a wacky funny amusing weird teenager, a serious intent loving father.  Although I always wanted a sister, 50 years is a long time to have my brother and suddenly have to make the swap!

I am also having some problems dealing with this on a spiritual and theological level.  This is not how we were raised.  We were raised, however, to be tolerant, but to believe that God did not EVER make mistakes.  Seems like I am having to rethink that--this evidently was a big one!  I am probably not even supposed to be talking about God in this forum, but this issue is a big one for me.  My brother and his wife were members of a very conservative church, and raised their daughter with very conservative beliefs.  Part of this was my brother trying to deny who he really was and trying to conform to the "right" way.  Now his family all think he is a  deviant sinner and is going to hell if he does not reform.  He has gotten scathing emails from members of his former church ( he was asked by his minister to leave) about his "deviant" behavior.  They all think if they pray hard enough he will change back to who he was before.  My prayer for him is that he can find peace and happiness and acceptance.

Do any of your siblings have any input for me on how they coped with your transitions?  Shutting out someone you have loved all your life is NOT an option.  My heart hurts for those of you who have lost so much with your own choices.  I wish you the best.
Becky

[Terri-Gene]

You are most certaintly right Becky, Women do have many things to talk about, even in TS community that in no way revolve around TS transition issues, but consider that to her, this is a totally mind consuming preoccupation right now and will continue to be so until such time as she is made to feel more comfortable with herself, and even then it will still be in the background.  It is just the way it is, and yes, a lot of that preoccupation can be a little confusing and even offensive to some as it involves discussions of sex, gender and homosexual/heterosexual relatoinships as well as Penises, Scrotums, testicles, vaginias etc and can be very graphic in nature while not being sexual in any way.  It is simply a world transitioning people live in as it involves medical proceedures and techniques which are nessessary to their lives.

It is natural some of this is offensive to you, but understand it is simply natural points of discussion to her.  Simply attempt to steer the conversation to things like presentation, relationships, clothing, makeup, cooking, aggrivations with traffic, people and situations, family, friends, a new movie or book and perhaps a hug once in a while.  She would likely love your opinion and advice on improving her appearance and behavior to better suit her new environment, and simple talk about nothing in particular is good also as it helps one to relax and simply wash out the stress.  You simply have to learn to redirect the focus of conversations without appearing uncaring of them.  She will likely appreciate being refocused also, since I would imagine that although she is concerned and somewhat consumed with Transitional issues, she really would like to be involved with other things as much as she can.

Terri

[Kimberly]

... but to believe that God did not EVER make mistakes.  ...

Depends on your point of view.

Who is to say living 50 years in a male body wasn't by some grand design?

... and is going to hell if he does not reform. ...

Reform to what?

If we presume the above correct she is no longer going against the will of God...

I do not know if these thoughts are or will be of any value to you but I hope.

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Becky,

As has been said, sometimes with our transition comes exciting things, and may be that since your siblings family life has come crashing down around her, that along with you, her transition is the only positive thing that she has left so it may be logical that she want to talk about the happy things.  My wife often has to tell me that I'm obsessing over my transition, I forget that there are two of us and that my transition involves us both.  But she brings me down to earth, some times with a poke 

Don't fret, give her time and by all means give her a bash on the head to remind her that there may be things that "YOU" would like to talk about.  Don't be afraid to interject your thoughts on anything, just remind her that your world does not revolve around hers, and that there are things and issues that you would like to talk about, but remember - in a loving and supportive way    As her life improves so will your conversations.

We do tend to wear down those who we turn to for support 

Keep us posted, and take care

Steph

[becky]

Hi to all!

"God does not make mistakes..."
"Depends on your point of view..."

Yeah. I always questioned that.  What about Downs Syndrome children or other babies born with defomities!  But I was always told not to question!!!!!!

"Who is to say living 50 years in a male body wasn't by some grand design?"

Or some big mistake.

My cousin has a good comment about transitions. She says it is like being pregnant for the first time, you are totally focused on every little thing and you want to talk about it all the time, to the pont of annoying everyone around you, whether they have ever been pregnant before or not.

Dani chooses to talk to US about all the details because of the life-time connection.  I am not offended by the conversations, because I am not a "prude", I just get tired of the details, details, details...but I do understand that he does need to talk.  I was just venting in the earlier post.

It is also the "weird" aspect of it, because he is MY brother, and not some random aquaintance going through this.  That makes it harder for me to deal with.

Again, keep talking to me!  It is helping!!!

More later....

[Kendall]

Your right that a person transitioning has to have someone there to sort of get them talking about other things. Yes its like any other major event though. When we call or talk to the son thats got shot in Iraq , you can imagine what the main topic of conversation will be. And most of the questions would come for us. Hard part of transitioning is that it is one major event like this example and pregnancy, except where people are more silent and dont want to ask questions or talk about it. So its even harder not to talk about it, when someone does finally hear about it. Its your right though to express that you want to hear about other stuff, or talk about other stuff. And you can probably help her know you love her, and that other things are important too.

I will try getting a sibling here to respond ( I have eight). Most dont do internet, so will see what i can get. I dont know how many siblings of trans post on this site. So far I only see trans (including myself) respond. There should be more here since its important and probably less talked about then the actual transpeople.

[Sis]

I'm very disappointed with the responses on this site. My brother of 50 plus years is transitioning. I'm very supportive but, at the same time, I have my own issues to deal with. Internally my mind still uses the male pronoun and visualizes the man I've always known. When I'm around relatives too young to be told, I have to be careful which name/pronoun I use. The dependable self-supporting man I grew up with has become a woman with financial problems who is suddenly counting on my financial help, and seems unconcerned about what a burden this is to me. I understand that transitioning is necessarily a time of being self-centered and exhilarated, so I don't say anything but I need someone to talk to! My support group consists of people who think I should just remove myself or transgenders who think everything should revolve around my sibling. Where can we go for support from others in our position?

[Alison]

Sis and Becky -

I am the spouse of a MtF transsexual... and you two are compleatly right... it IS hard... REALLY hard...  and overwhelming, and confusing...  on one hand, you want to support your loved one.... on the other hand.. you have your own feelings, fears, and other emotions rolling through.... you feel really bad venting to that particular loved one... so you keep it to yourself...

seriously - my reaction was like... 

                      .. etc...

I go through all of that too... I'm here to talk to!  Anytime! (well.. when I'm not working )

transition is emotionally draining... on everyone involved... I really think its almost as hard for the loved ones of the TS as it is for the TS themselves....  and there are MUCH fewer of us 'supportive significant others' out there... so we have little support....

My AOL instant messanger name is Thespain99, (but I warn you, I leave it on all the time, it works as an answering machine of sorts for me,)

please feel free to message whenever, if I don't answer, its probably because I'm working, or sleeping, etc... and I'll message you back when I return    

[stephanie_craxford]

I'm sorry that you find the responses to Becky's post disappointing, however we don't have that many SO's on this site to draw advice from.  We do have Alison, who you have heard from, and a couple more who do not visit very often.  Both my daughter, and my wife are in the same predicament as you find yourself, there is next to no support for SO's and other family members.  Maybe with yourself, Becky, and Alison we can try to correct this, as all of you are so important to this whole thing.

So Sis, help us out here, get involved with the forum, and post questions, provide your advice, and thoughts, because by doing that you will be helping yourself, other SO's on this site and who visit, seeking help

What do you think, up to the challenge

Hope to hear from you,

Steph

[Cassandra]

Dear Sis/Becky,

I wish I knew better what it was that you are disappointed about in the responses here. Perhaps as Steph said more postings and more questions might help narrow things down a bit. Yes there are few SO's here at Susan's but then supportive SO's are in short supply period. My own SO is supportive to a fault. I can't get much out of her other than she's happy for me, thinks I should do it if that's what I want and goes shopping with me. I usually can't get two words out of her on the subject other wise. She joined the forum a few weeks ago but has not logged in since, although she keeps meaning to but she has a lot of other things on her mind right now. 

Actually young or old relatives and friends, the femminine pronouns should always be used when reffering to your new sister. I know this is a hard thing to do. My wife has been using the feminine for a while now and she still slips up from time to time. Heck I even slipped up myself not two days ago and started to introduce myself by my old male name, I just barely caught myself in time.

When we look in the mirror we see both the woman we are and the man that we hate. It will be that way until the man is completely gone for good. For myself living full time every day, I see less of him and almost exclusively her. There is a time element involved. With so many years of history as a male I don't think you will stop seeing in her, the brother that you once had for a very long time.

The only thing I guess I've really got to go on as far as relating to your feelings is the sense of loss I felt when my step dad died. The empty feeling knowing I would never again be able to sit with him on the end of his bed as he sat in his chair by the window were he watched the birds at the feeder and carried on about tales from his youth. But then no one moved into his place and said I'm your mother who used to be your father and I have special needs and need special attention. I think my reaction would probably be who the heck are you and what have you done with my dad.

So your a bit lost, trying to deal as best you can and you need someone to say what do you need Sis? You want to scream out, How about my needs? How about hereing me when I say I have issues with this and I would like to be heard and somebody better give me some answers. Because you do have issues. I can read them in your post. You want your brother back and that's all there is to it. You are trying to be supportive and caring and you really just want to walk up to her, slap her and say snap out of it and give me my brother back.

Unfortunately for you this is not going to happen. You don't want to loose her completely so you play along at the supportive role and hope you'll figure it out somewhere down the road and you'll finally be able to see her as your sister without any reservation.

I wish that I could say that all will be well in time but I can't. I can't tell you that thing you want to here even if I knew what it was because it wouldn't be true. You may never be able to completely accept what has happened. Some folks just can't no matter how hard they try. Many transsexuals  who have transitioned with spouses and families intact loose them at the door to surgery. Then the wife has to come face to face with the reality beyond that which has existed since their spouse began transition. The coup de grasse occurs and they can't handle it. The finality of it sinks in and they realise that he is she. He will never return. They are happy for her but their spouse is dead.

Any one of us here can talk to you, try to be supportive of you and help in any way we can. If you don't believe it just read the posts from the thread started by hectic.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,698.15.html

I don't know what other transgenders you have been talking to but life cannot just revolve around your sibling and her issues. Removing yourself? Well, that's a choice, but is it a good choice?  Can you really seperate yourself from your, former brother now sister? Can you live with that decision? As far as needing financial help from you that's another choice you have to make but it is not something that you have to do. She has to be able to stand on her own two feet just like any other woman. If you choose to help her out from time to time that's a nice thing to do but I'm sure it's not your lifes ambition nor should it become center stage in your financial picture.

I had a brother who was in financial trouble and I helped him too much. I say had a brother because we do not speak anymore. In fact he doesn't even know were I am and I plan on keeping it that way. So from personal experience things can go really bad with sibling realtionships, especially when money is involved, so tread lightly in that area.

I hope you will stay with us and that we can all learn something from each other. We really do want to help and offer understanding and a sympathetic ear.

Hang in there.


Cassie

[Alison]

its touchy....  a few people have said (paraphrased obviously) "well just support your loved one for who he/she is"  well... Yeah, But...

For example.. in my life:

My mother knows, but is terribly confused, shes also in NY, and we're in Texas...  Jaycie's mother and grandmother know, her grandmother is praying it will "blow over" but she loves JASON so much she'll never stop loving -him- ... (her words)...  Her mother is trying to support us but I don't think she knows how... shes very busy with her own life, and we don't even see her that often..

I'm trying my best to support Jaycie... I think im doing a pretty good job lol...  But I don't have a whole lot of support...   its a confusing overwhelming time in my life too... then coupled with the '2 personalities' act...  remembering to refer to my spouse as "Jason" in front of certain company... and feeling free to say "Jaycie" with other people....

So basically... it isn't as black and white as "Just support your loved one" ...  I have a lot of loved ones...

[Cassandra]

remembering to refer to my spouse as "Jason" in front of certain company... and feeling free to say "Jaycie" with other people....

It's the same for my wife too Alison. In the early days it was easy as I hadn't started living outside the house and no one really knew but the two of us. But as things have progressed she has gone from trying to remember to call me Cassie and not refer to me as her husband to trying to remember not to call me Cassie when she's talking to her parents who don't know. She's terrified she is going to slip up so I can appreciate your dilema in that department.

The whole process takes a toll on everyone closely involved and even some who are just on the periphery. For the TS it is a healing process with lots of major growing pains. For the SO it is one big pain most could do without. We appreciate all you SO's out there who are so supportive and we do understand that it is equally if not more difficult for you, even though we may not act like it all the time. We are after all the center of the universe. >

Hugs,

Cassie

[Sis]

Steph,

I haven't the vaguest idea how to proceed with your "challenge". Certainly I can post questions, but who has the answers? If other SOs visit once or twice and then disappear, nobody is there to answer the unanswerable.
• Would my new sister be terribly hurt if I use just the first initial (it's the same for both pre and post names)? This would make it easier for me to remember which name to use when with younger relatives.
• How honest should I be when she asks why people still refer to her as "he". I realize she thinks she looks gorgeous, but she still looks masculine. I realilze that she hates that part of her so I don't mention it but I cry for her when she's not looking.
• I finally am starting to feel financially stable and now I have a newly dependent sister. I resent the fact that she thinks her problems are more important than mine. I understand why, but that doesn't change the fact that six months ago I thought my brother was safely established in marriage and career and I was going to be able to start planning my retirement. Now I'm actually worrying about what I'm going to live on in 5 years. My new sister is just excited about her new life and doesn't understand why I can't give her more money.
• I feel guilty about what she has gone through so silently all these years, but I also know it's not my fault...it's not her fault, it's nobody's fault but I feel sorry for her and I feel guilty and I know I can't take the stress much longer. We talk on the phone every day and every conversation is about her needs, her wants, her hopes and I end up crying by myself after we talk.
So who do I talk to?

Sis

[Alison]

Talk to me... I'm a few years your junior but... I have good ears for listening

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Would my new sister be terribly hurt if I use just the first initial (it's the same for both pre and post names)? This would make it easier for me to remember which name to use when with younger relatives.
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Well, thats an idea... We have friends that refer to Jaycie/Jason as Jay.... out of respect for her, and the unknowing people... Talk to your sister about it

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How honest should I be when she asks why people still refer to her as "he". I realize she thinks she looks gorgeous, but she still looks masculine. I realilze that she hates that part of her so I don't mention it but I cry for her when she's not looking.
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When you say "people".. do you mean random people off the street? (the guy at the drive through or cashier at walmart?)  Or family members that don't know yet? or people that do know?  what people still call her "He"?

If its random people... you can try to give her some tips on feminizing (I KNOW thats hard... As a girl with no desire to wear makeup.. i have such a hard time helping jaycie with that stuff... I'm not 'girly' myself.. how can i help her?) ... a LOT of it has to do with hairstyle... Jaycie has a really masculine hairline, so we hide it.... and also with facial hair... we're still fighting that battle.. electrolosys is WAY too out of our newlywed budget... so she shaves really close and uses tons of makeup    but, she passes pretty regularly when we do that...


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I finally am starting to feel financially stable and now I have a newly dependent sister. I resent the fact that she thinks her problems are more important than mine. I understand why, but that doesn't change the fact that six months ago I thought my brother was safely established in marriage and career and I was going to be able to start planning my retirement. Now I'm actually worrying about what I'm going to live on in 5 years. My new sister is just excited about her new life and doesn't understand why I can't give her more money.
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She needs to understand money doesn't grow on trrees.... If shes in her 50's shes responsable enough to realize that.... show her the check book... theres only so much money monthly.. and you need so much to survive.. leaving only so much extra....


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I feel guilty about what she has gone through so silently all these years, but I also know it's not my fault...it's not her fault, it's nobody's fault but I feel sorry for her and I feel guilty and I know I can't take the stress much longer. We talk on the phone every day and every conversation is about her needs, her wants, her hopes and I end up crying by myself after we talk.
----------------------------------

Do you cry because you feel guilty about her pain? or because you're scared ?  I feel guilty too.. Jaycie couldn't tell me... I felt awful... like she couldn't trust me....  But thats a BIG secret... its hard to tell.... she had fear of rejection most definetly....  especially at 50.. you look at the life you've built... and the desires you have and how strong they are... and risking losing everything?  Its a big bet....  So don't be too hard on yourself....   


I am a regular here... so you can pm me and we can yak if you want to

[Alison]

It's the same for my wife too Alison. In the early days it was easy as I hadn't started living outside the house and no one really knew but the two of us. But as things have progressed she has gone from trying to remember to call me Cassie and not refer to me as her husband to trying to remember not to call me Cassie when she's talking to her parents who don't know. She's terrified she is going to slip up so I can appreciate your dilema in that department.

hahaha I actually DID slip up the other day... refered to her as "she" on the phone with the grandma.... luckily.. shes half deaf and didn't notice LOL

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Sis,

You've already accepted the challenge by posting and sharing with the group.  As I'm trans myself my view on things may be a little biased, but my wife and I have been at this for almost 30 years now and we are still together, however a sibling relationship is a little different.

• Would my new sister be terribly hurt if I use just the first initial (it's the same for both pre and post names)? This would make it easier for me to remember which name to use when with younger relatives.

She may be a little hurt, but if she wants a smoother transition then she has to be willing too compromise on a few things, and this is an easy one for her to deal with.  Yes we all like to be called by our female name, but for the short term, it's no big deal, and it will help you as well.  I've agreed to let some call me Phil which was my male name till I had it changed to Stephanie Phyllis (don't laugh) as it's the short form of Phyllis, but I prefer Steph.  No big deal.

• How honest should I be when she asks why people still refer to her as "he". I realize she thinks she looks gorgeous, but she still looks masculine. I realize that she hates that part of her so I don't mention it but I cry for her when she's not looking.

You have to be honest for her own good.  Right now she can't see the forest for the trees, so go ahead, be honest, point things out like your make up is all wrong,  your hair is wrong, etc...  whatever it is, if you don't she will never learn.  Don't be afraid to be honest.  Sure her feeling may be hurt but it's better than if she embarrassed herself.

I finally am starting to feel financially stable and now I have a newly dependent sister. I resent the fact that she thinks her problems are more important than mine. I understand why, but that doesn't change the fact that six months ago I thought my brother was safely established in marriage and career and I was going to be able to start planning my retirement. Now I'm actually worrying about what I'm going to live on in 5 years. My new sister is just excited about her new life and doesn't understand why I can't give her more money.

Not knowing the finacial situation of your sister, I'll jump in and ask why is she even asking you for finacial help.  This is her transition not yours, you should be providing emotional support not finacial, or material support.  To be brutally honest Sis, she shouldn't even be contemplating transitioning unless she has finacial support in place that will ensure her transition is a success.  I'm not sure how far your sister plans to go but the surgeries alone are a huge finacial burden for many of us.  The deal I had with my wife was that I would never put our family in finacial distress over my transition.   She has to do the same, you can not be financially responsible for her transition, period.

• I feel guilty about what she has gone through so silently all these years, but I also know it's not my fault...it's not her fault, it's no body's fault but I feel sorry for her and I feel guilty and I know I can't take the stress much longer. We talk on the phone every day and every conversation is about her needs, her wants, her hopes and I end up crying by myself after we talk.
So who do I talk to?

You are absolutely right.  This is NOT YOUR FAULT, and YOU shouldn't feel guilty, and you can't let your sister burden you with guilt over something you had no control over.  One thing you have to do to limit the stress is to lay down some rules and one would be - I will listen to your needs and I will support you as much as I can, BUT you must be willing to listen to MY needs so that I will be able to support you as much as I can.  It's a two way street, and if she can't agree to that, then bluntly tell her that the phone conversations will be very brief.  To help you through this you may want to talk to a therapist for your own piece of mind.  My wife did, and after a few sessions she feels she will probably stop going.  It did the trick for her, just having someone to talk to face to face.

Here is a web site that you may find really helpful. 

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tgso1/

Transsexuals are not allowed to post to this site, and it is strictly limited to

THIS LIST IS OPEN ONLY TO FEMALE (FEMALE AT BIRTH) partners of transgendered men ( male at birth).

While it says " partners", my wife said that FEMALE family members are more than welcome.  She is an active member of this site, and she encourages you to have a look it is a very active site so far this month there have been 128 posts.  Check it out.

I hope that I have been of some help Sis, and hopefully you will say and be a part of the group and stay in touch.  Take Alison up on her offer.

Steph