I don't know whether to come out

[Sophie]

The only people who know about Steven are a few people on here.

I want to tell my parents first... and I would kinda like to tell them now, but I'm not sure they'd take me seriously. They'd probably think I was making it up or it's just a phase or something. I'm only 15 by the way, but I know this. I know I can never live happily as a woman.
I think my dad would be really confused, and then he'd worry that it's because I spent too much time watching motor racing with him or something. And I don't want him to worry about it, because he could really do without the stress.
As for my mum, who I don't have as good a relationship with as my dad, I wouldn't say she knows, but I don't think she'll be as suprised. I think she'll be disapointed. Disapointed that her only child isn't what she hoped I was, and wants me to be. I swear she expects me to magically turn into a girly-girl any day now, and it just won't happen.

But I am a really bad liar. Now that I understand the reasons behind what I feel, now I can put a word to it other than "weird", I don't know how long I can go without telling anyone. I keep getting paranoid that the words will just randomly come out of my mouth in a conversation. I need to tell them... but still, I don't want to mess things up and make things complicated for my parents. We don't have the happiest family life ever or anything, but it's okay, and I don't want to spoil that.

And of course, there is also the matter of my friends. I have two close friends, Daniel and Amy (tomboy), and a close-ish friend called Dan. Honestly, I'm not a very trusting person. I suspect that if I tell them that it'll end up all around the school. And then I will probably be ridiculed for my final compulsory year. But at the same time there's my classic problem of not liking lying to people...

Basically, I want to tell people, but am terrified of the consequences... I really don't know what to do now. 

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Steven

It is a bit of a problem.  When you say "Final compulsory year" is this your last year of school?  If so, then why not wait till you have finished and avoid the complications.  A year is not long to wait, as you obviously don't want it to get around school and complicate things when you don't really need to, at this point in time.

As for your parents, this is a little harder.  You have to be sure of what you want and you have to be sure you can take or accept the consequences.  Weigh the pros's and con's before you make up your mind.  Remember at 15, you will still be at home for a number of years and those years could be miserable ones.  Since you seem closer to your dad, try talking with him, dropping subtle hints here and there about how you feel to see if you can get a feel of what his reaction may be.  Things like how you hate to wear dresses, skirts and blouses, and you would much rather wear, pants, boots, and tee shirts, guys cloths.  It's worth a try.

Your problem is that being an only child your sole family support rests with your parents, and you must realise that coming out to them could alienate them.  Would they kick you out of the house?  How much parental control do they wield over you?

It really comes down to this - If you don't get a good feeling from your dad, who you are closest too, then you must think - Do you really need to tell anyone at this point in time, can you live the way you are until you leave home, and or finish school.  Or do you have this need to come out right now.  Apart from all that, you have to be certain that this is you.  You are young and have lots of time ahead of you.  For me I would wait until I had more control over my life, see a therapist, or doctor to discuss these issues before taking and drastic action that could affect you for the rest of your life.

Just my thoughts.

Take care

Steph

[Kendall]

Just tell the truth. The truth of however you are, or what you like and dislike. I think more harm will come to you in avoiding or ignoring the true you. And thats the worst kind of harm. Putting it off or thinking it is less important then bringing it to the table now, or that there will be a better time in the future is entirely wrong for anyone and almost any reason (besides life and death).

15 years old seems like the perfect time to start. I am not an expert , but if hormones are involved I think the younger the better. This is a doctor's issue though.

Your terrified of one consequence , but should be extremely more terrified of living a false life with a giant hole and darkness. Having a major part of yourself not being real. This should terrify you even more. Just ask those that have gone down this road...

[Debtv]

Hi Steven,

I am a tg who has not chosen the SRS path. In my view....you have pleanty of time to express yourself honestly and you should just mellow out and ride it for a while. You have pleanty of time to 'find yourself'. I do not think you have to chissel in stone who are at this point....you have pleanty of time to find yourself.

Good luck
DebTV

[Kimberly]

Until you are in full control of your life you *should* be terrified of possible consequences.

It is certainly no fun hiding, but sometimes hiding is the lesser of evils.

[beth]

hello steven,

               i understand your frustration with the lying and being unable to reveal your feelings. i would strongly suggest you see a counseler and tell them about yourself first before your family and friends. telling a therapist or counselor helps us understand ourselves better and will make telling family and friends easier when that time comes. in the mean time you can be yourself as much as possible. people in general believe the visual gender disregarding the gender behavior so no one will have a clue.

               be careful about putting everyones feelings and discomfort above yours, this can lead to isolation and self distructive behavior or even suicide. lots of people will surprise you with their compassion and understanding, especially those who love you. those in school can be very cruel so waiting a year would be wise i would think.

               i hope all goes well for you Steven, you will always have friends here to fall back on when times are hard.

beth

[Sophie]

In terms of friends, I think leaving telling them to the end of the school year is the lesser evil. I intend to do another couple years, but I'll most likely go to a diferent school for that anyway (6th form at my school... bad...).

I kind of hint things to my dad already... but actually, I need to tell them properly... soonish. I'm pretty certian they won't throw me out of the house or anything too drastic... they'll probably be okay once they get over the initial shock. Probably.    Still scared of course...


I'll admit, I have no idea where to start looking for a therapist in England... so how do you go about it? I just need to know who to contact first.

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Steven,

One place to start would be with your family doctor if you have one, also check with your local Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Trans support groupes, you may find them online or check in the phone book.

Just a thought.

Steph

[Dennis]

I concur with what everyone here has said about the parents. You probably have 3 more years at home at least, so be cautious there. But parents do tend to love their children even when they have trouble accepting that they are individuals.

As for friends, I would be very cautious. The road ahead is difficult as it is, but if your relations with a friend break down and he or she starts spreading it around that you're trans, it could be that much harder.

In the UK, trans issues are covered by the NHS, so you should be able to get therapy paid for. If your GP is someone you can talk to and trust not to tell your parents before you're ready, you might start with him or her.

Dennis