A list of doubts

[Adabelle]

So in one of my past therapy sessions we talked about this "side tape" that plays in my intellectual mind trying to find the "reason" that I feel like I'm in the wrong body, and/or trying to come up with ways to explain it away. Through my life there have been thousands of things I've told myself intellectually to try and get these feelings to go away and/or ignore them. She suggested I write down some as they come to mind and then we can discuss them. I came up with a list over the period of a couple weeks. It's really interesting to look at some of the things that go through my intellectual mind in trying to explain this. A few of these items I was able to quickly dismiss as just plain silly (in my case), but other ones are more difficult for me to answer (such as the spiritual Buddhist one).

I wanted to share these with the community in case it's helpful for others as well who may have a similar process they are going through.

I've put the "doubt" in bold as succinctly as I could describe it. Then I try and provide context to where that doubt comes from in my life. I didn't provide any resolutions to this answer because the purpose wasn't to resolve them, but to acknowledge them and then discuss with my therapist.

How do you react to these, or rationalizations like them? Do you have any thoughts as you look at this list?

My own "historical" evidence is flawed. I know that all of my memories are not completely "accurate", and that they are affected by feelings and other factors at the event, and even after. My memories include enhanced details, and ignore other details depending on the situation and the desired effect. When I tell a funny story, or a scary story for example this is evident. But when it comes to TG, I have a desire to transition, shouldn't the memories I use as evidence to support this story also be subject to the same rules?

My childhood TG experiences are actually just somewhat normal? What if the TG experiences and feelings I experiened as a child are somewhat normal questioning and adjusting to one's gender role in society? And that at some point later when I became sexually aware that these feelings became much more powerful and 'fetishized' and therefore my desire for transition isn't rooted in truly feeling born in the wrong body, but in non-resolution of my childhood dilemma, and fantasy about the grass being greener on the other side?

I can say I'm a girl inside, but understanding such a thing is impossible. My only experience with femininity is what I believe to be my internal feminine soul, and what I have experienced as an outside observer. But what if my ideas about femininity or what it means to be a woman are completely wrong? That I'm seeing feminity through my male-colored glasses and don't really know what I'm talking about, or accurately even describing it. How can I even know or say that I'm a "female" inside, if I don't even know what that is or means because I am an outsider?

I am moving towards the feminine, simply to escape the masculine? Are there aspects of the male gender role and expression that are somehow offensive or repulsive to me subsonsciously? Do these things drive me towards being a woman to escape masculenity as a negative motivation, instead of moving toward feminity because it's how I have always felt inside as a positive motivation?

Can I honestly say I'm in the wrong body? Given my current and past personality traits, behavior, and relationships - can I honestly say that I'm a "woman in a man's body", or am I instead something inbetween and transition won't necessarily solve my dilemma? Sure I wasn't interested in sports growing up etc, but for any of the evidence I might cite as "non-male" I could find "male" things I was interested in at an early age, like computers, finance, and strategy games. Also, I can be more aggressive and 'persuasive' in conversational tone, and in some ways have a 'take charge' attitude. Couldn't these be "male" traits as much as my interests in 'cooking', and 'homemaking' and 'playing house', and lack of interest in sports are "feminine". On this basis can I really say I'm a girl.

This is just a sexual fantasy. What if my real reasons for wanting transition are driven by sex and/or unrealistic sexual fantasy? Since near 100% of my sexual experiences (self or with others) involves the fantasy of my "being the woman", perhaps this has clouded my judgement and made me not experience male sexuality in a fair way. Perhaps my desire to be a woman is rooted in female sexuality instead of female spiirtuality (as a whole). If I had absolutely zero sex drive and/or sexual response would I still fell transgender?

There's a lot of people who make their living off the trans community. It might be hard to get accurate information since there are so many services, and surgeons, and drug companies, and individuals inside and outisde the trans community who benefit financially from a steady flow of people who want to transition. Am I getting the best information I can? Have I been influenced or encouraged through the years by these interests in ways I don't currently understand? Is the truth about how bad/hard/hurtful transition is hidden from me?

Even if I am a "woman in a man's body" why do I feel the need to change it? Why do I find it necessary to modify my body to match some kind of 'image' of feminity, or womanhood that I have? Why can't I just say "I'm a woman" and have it end there. My penis is my girl penis, my beard my girl beard. What is it that drives the need to change my body, and is that in itself some kind of illusion, or some kind of false value system I'm buying into? Could some kind of spiritual practice that foceses on absolute acceptance of "what is" (like Buddhist meditation and philosophy) cure me, by curing how I see myself?

If my spirit is feminine inside, why don't I dream that I'm a woman? Most of the times in my dreams I'm me, and most of the times I become aware of myself in my dreams I still even have a penis. When I was younger this wasn't always the case. In some dreams once I become aware and realize I'm dreaming I then my body will appear more feminine. I am routinely wearing feminine clothing, but under the clothing I'm still me. If my subsoncious feels like a female, why don't I see this more often in my dreams?

Edit: 5/31/11 I created a list of reasons why I should transition shortly after this post, and started HRT on 4/2/11

[VeryGnawty]

If my spirit is feminine inside, why don't I dream that I'm a woman?

Dreams often reflect subconscious dissonance.  Nightmares, for example.

I used to dream a lot about gender issues.  I would dream that I was wearing fake boobs and all of a sudden I'd realize that all the other characters in the dream were becoming aware of my unusual garb.  Or I'd dream that I was masturbating like a female, except that I was really just a male pretending to have a female anatomy.

I spent a long time wondering why I always dreamt of pretending to be female, instead of just dreaming that I was female.  I came to the conclusion that I was dreaming of being male, because in waking life I still felt male.  I felt like a man who wanted to be a woman.  And that's exactly what was reflected in my dreams:  I became a man wanting to be a woman.  Because I didn't "truly" see myself as a woman, I was almost never a woman in my dreams (only two or three times)

[CaitJ]

I faced similar doubts.
When it boiled down to it, I had to used a reasoned, rational approach to figure out whether or not I really was female - and that was to test my hypothesis by living as a woman.
If living as woman was unsuccessful, then my hypothesis was probably wrong. If living as a woman was successful, then it was probably right.
Or, in more simple terms:
If you think you are a size 10 and your measuring tools are flawed, the easiest way to find out is to put on a size 10 dress.

[SidESlicker]

*hugs*

Sounds like a kick ass homework assignment that your therapist gave you.

I think that the important bit is to identify the part of you that soars when you're "she'd" in the grocery store, or the "ma'am's" that make you smile all around.

But yes, I have a lot of the same doubts, especially about transitioning and surgery. The one that really got to me was "moving to the femme to escape the masculine" because I am worried that I'm doing that, because I feel empowered when I express the masculine parts of my personality, and then the worry and doubt settle in that I'm confusing masculinity with being male. Not much to say there, but only that I know what that fear and doubt feels like.

*hugs* And I don't think it's "just a sexual fantasy" The fact that you're discussing this frankly with your therapist shows a lot.

And I just wanna make a quick side note that it's incredibly brave to you to acknowledge your fears and your doubts *and* to put them on paper and share them. Kudos to you, that's awesome.

[K8]

I had many of the same doubts.  I had no good explanation of why I felt as I did.  Like CaitJ, I finally decided to try living as a woman to see if that suited me better.  It suited me so well that I've finally decided that I really am a woman, despite the many previous rationalizations to the contrary.  And once I transitioned, it all made sense.  For the first time my life makes sense, and that amazes me.

I think you can only get so far intellectualizing all of this.  Sometimes you just have to try on that size 10 and see if it fits.

- Kate

[Cindy Stephens]

I don't believe that I have ever experienced any of these doubts, at least expressed that way.  I intellectualize lots of things, but my transgender "feelings" are visceral, not intellectual.  Like getting chills from listening to one of the "Brandenburg Concertos."  I do not know musical theory, nor do I have to.  It seems fundamental, an expression of my genes.  I remember a movie, "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" and certain people around the world, had the same vision, had the same music in their heads.   When I speak with other transgender people, it seems that we all hear that same music.  The thing for me was not how I got it, but how to express it in a socially acceptable way.  That is when I start intellectualizing.

[Adabelle]

My therapist commented on the "two" conversations we have when we are in the office. There's my "spirit" side, or where I talk about my feelings. How I have "felt" is that I have the wrong body - and this has been consistent through my whole life.

The other side of the conversation is where I try and rationalize my feelings away (unsuccessfully I might add, which is why I'm in therapy). I feel like my intellectual self wants to find a way to avoid transition - entirely because of my fears. Fears of loss of marriage, friendships, etc.

The thing is the intellectual part hasn't worked for me. My intellectual mind has come up with elaborate distractions (work, leadership, religion etc) but none of those things have worked for me. I still feel the same - like I'm a female spirit.

The thing is I feel like transition is inevitable. I am the one holding myself back out of my imagined (and some potentially real) fears. Transition is what I've always wanted (either as a child asking God to change me overnight but not hurt my parents in the process, or now realizing that the medical establishment can help me). But my mind races with fear, and so my intellectual self tries to justify the fear I think.

The thing is, I can come up with strong counter arguments to everything I wrote above as well (showing that I'm OF COURSE a transsexual and that I'm spinning my wheels intellectually/desperately.)

As you all know, it's not easy working through this and coming to acceptance.

[CaitJ]

Ultimately, you'll need to jump into the water to see whether or not you can swim.
Eventually you'll fall in whether you want to or not. Controlling your entry can make things less traumatic though 

[K8]

As you all know, it's not easy working through this and coming to acceptance.

I think that this is crucial.  I hesitated for years and found all sorts of ways to cope to get me through.  It was when I finally accepted myself as i am that I could move forward.  And I don't mean admitting that I am transgendered or transsexual, but accepting it deep within and with all of the many ramifications.  To me, that was one of the hardest parts of this whole process.

Once you can fully accept who and what you are, you can move forward.  And move forward at your own pace.  Jump when you are ready.  I think that you want to control the process as well as you can.  The problem can be that the GID will make you do stupid things that cause you to lose control of the process, so you want to move with all deliberate speed.  But it sounds like you are making progress, Madelyn, and that you are well on your way to figuring out what is right for you.

- Kate

[Cindy Stephens]

I found that I accepted myself in my mid 20's.  I have never felt that it was an either/or issue.  I had been raised blue collar with a family suspicion of anything white collar.  Getting a college degree and being forced to fit in with the "enemy" in my 28-32 year old period was difficult enough, and spent another 10 years getting that whole thing down.  Only when I had financial/family stability could I really start to move forward.  It wasn't about acceptance, it was about existence.  There are ways, for many of us, to function without total transition - at least while financially inconvenient. I have been on hormones for 8 years, had my facial hair removed, moderately pluck my eyebrows, and shave my legs.  After work and on weekends my second self emerges.  While they (an ubber butch concrete subcontractor) would never allow me to completely transition, they are willing to overlook my "differences" because of the value I bring to the table.  I have a wife who supports my effort, because I am able to contribute in a meaningful way to the support of our little family.  Now, I am not trying to hijack the thread, just trying to suggest that maybe there is a middle way.  Finding those things that make the dichotomy harmonize within you.  You may find that that settles all of your questions and you move forward, or find your comfort zone.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing - you can feed your yin and your yang, your intellectual as well as emotional bases.

[Colleen Ireland]

I think that this is crucial. I hesitated for years and found all sorts of ways to cope to get me through.  It was when I finally accepted myself as i am that I could move forward.  And I don't mean admitting that I am transgendered or transsexual, but accepting it deep within and with all of the many ramifications.  To me, that was one of the hardest parts of this whole process.

Once you can fully accept who and what you are, you can move forward.  And move forward at your own pace.  Jump when you are ready.

+1 on this.  For me, the hardest part was that I didn't really understand what "Acceptance" meant.  To me, it felt like Failure.  Failure to be who I was expected to be.  Failure to do what I was expected to do.  Letting down myself and everyone around me.  It was only when I realized that it was NOT failure, but the beginning of true success, that I was able to get to that point.  And as Kate says, once you reach that level of self-acceptance, everything else starts to fall into place.

[JenAtLast]

+1 on this.  For me, the hardest part was that I didn't really understand what "Acceptance" meant.  To me, it felt like Failure.  Failure to be who I was expected to be.  Failure to do what I was expected to do.  Letting down myself and everyone around me.  It was only when I realized that it was NOT failure, but the beginning of true success, that I was able to get to that point.  And as Kate says, once you reach that level of self-acceptance, everything else starts to fall into place.

Add another +1.

I don't think I've ever had doubts about it.  No doubts, but lots of obstacles and guilt.  I never ever thought I could accept myself until recently.  In the end, though, after coming to accept my transgender rather than feel guilt because of it, I realize how many of those obstacles were self-made.  The only thing I have yet to deal with it that part that Colleen mentioned about failure.  I am terribly torn about hurting a wife who knows my situation but cannot stay with me as a woman.  I feel like I am failing my marriage vows, but living a lie isn't good, either.

[ClaireA]

Add another +1.

I don't think I've ever had doubts about it.  No doubts, but lots of obstacles and guilt.  I never ever thought I could accept myself until recently.  In the end, though, after coming to accept my transgender rather than feel guilt because of it, I realize how many of those obstacles were self-made.  The only thing I have yet to deal with it that part that Colleen mentioned about failure.  I am terribly torn about hurting a wife who knows my situation but cannot stay with me as a woman.  I feel like I am failing my marriage vows, but living a lie isn't good, either.

I feel the same way on this - I have never had "doubt" per-se about being TG, but more of guilt. Guilt in that I would be letting people, such as my parents, down by not living the person that they expected me to be. Guilt in thinking that, if I just try one more time to repress all of this and sweep it under the rug, maybe MAYBE this time I will succeed, despite the blaring obvious fact that I had failed miserably to do so multiple times before.

Embracing the point of finally accepting myself for who I am, and stopping trying to convince myself that I was something I wasn't, was the watershed moment that I finally felt at peace about myself.

[Domitia]

I doubt myself now and then with similar Fantasy fears. I also fear that a therapist might have issues with me never cross-dressing or doing girly things when I was young; as I did it all online instead.

Similar to you, I can always find strong counter-arguments that reaffirm my confidence in the knowledge I have of myself and overcome the fears. This, however, doesn't make them stop popping up in my head.

I think (almost) everyone has these in some form. For some it might be self-doubt, others it may be fears of what other people will think, for others it's just obstacles to overcome. It's good because it makes us a little cautious so that we act when we know it's right. Whether or not our action actually succeeds is another story, but at-least it may improve our chances. If you never had worries/doubts for anything, you would be quite reckless. You just need to be yourself, and allow yourself the freedom to try.

[Lynne]

Hi all!

I'm sorry about dragging up an old topic and I know I really should be introducing myself in the Introductions section but I felt that Madelyn's situation is very similar to mine and I couldn't put it to words so well, so here I am
I always felt that if I was born female with the same soul I would be an average girl who likes pretty clothes and shoes, and wouldn't have any strange thoughts and feelings about transitioning to the opposite sex.
I handle this thing almost exactly like Madelyn. Overthinking (is there such a word?) the situation and losing sight of reality and not knowing if this is for me or I just need some "girl time".
I don't think I feel like a man, but how a man or a woman supposed to feel like?
If I look into the mirror I only see a sad girl, I simply can't see a man. People who don't know me easily mistake me for a girl even when I don't want it at all. But that is not enough, I could be "just" a feminine crossdresser who doesn't need the transiotion to be happy.
I've been to some places as a girl, went shopping a few times and I've met other T* girls in other cities and it felt fantastic. After the first few scary minutes it felt more natural than anything else before, and when men on the street checked me out I was in the heavens, because for the first time they didn't check me out to insult me but to comment on how good I look. But life isn't just about shopping and traveling around the country(sadly ).
The more time I spend en femme, the more I want to transition, and the last few months I'm feeling like I can't live as a man anymore and I have to do this, but these doubts still don't want to go away.

[rejennyrated]

Ok - since you have revived this, and as everyone knows I shoot from the hip - here are my quickfire answers to this topic.
My own "historical" evidence is flawed. Of course - memory is a selective thing, but insofar as we are made of our memories and experiences the literal truth is actually less important than the truth you recall and believe.
My childhood TG experiences are actually just somewhat normal? Does that matter? no. Many people probably do have these experiences but most of them don't go on to desire to transition. In effect its not where you start that matter, its where you want to go next.
I can say I'm a girl inside, but understanding such a thing is impossible. So don't say it. I simply said that I prefer to see myself as a girl. That is reason enough for me.
I am moving towards the feminine, simply to escape the masculine? Quite probably, but does it matter? No of course not. If you went on holiday and didn't like the hotel you would try to move to a better one and no one would say you shouldn't/
Can I honestly say I'm in the wrong body? Possibly not, but what you can say is that the body you have has aspects  that you do not care for. For example male genitalia. People have cosmetic surgery if they don't like their noses. This is really no different. It only becomes this big deal because it gets dressed up in this magical thing called sex and gender.
This is just a sexual fantasy. well for me the whole thing started at age 5 - which is when i came out and began my slow transition. Clearly at age 5 it wasn't a sexual fantasy.
There's a lot of people who make their living off the trans community. Yes but that doesn't make it wrong. I mean there are a lot of people who make a good living out of motorists. You don't refuse to buy cars because garages make money out of them.
Even if I am a "woman in a man's body" why do I feel the need to change it? Because you do. Who cares? It doesn't matter.
If my spirit is feminine inside, why don't I dream that I'm a woman? Well this one I can't answer because I always did...

[Adabelle]

Anne. Transition isn't easy. I'm finding it to be a messy thing. There aren't simple answers unfortunately, even after I started HRT.

What I do know after two months on HRT and being full-time now is that my dysphoria is cured.

One thing that's interesting is that even though I have confirmation that HRT has made my dysphoria feel better, and I'm passing pretty well, and my family and friends so far have accepted me - I still have doubts. I think maybe this is just how my mind is. It's like a hyperactive mind.

Part of my problem I think is that I like to know that I'm in control of my life. And transition has so many unknowns that I think I work myself up into a mental frenzy sometimes. There's only so much you can do to control this.

For me I do feel some anxiety about how fast the changes are happening to me. Just two months in and things are growing and this has me sort of doing constant "reality checks" of asking myself "is this really what you want, do you have to do this?" Most of the time I can easily answer yes to those, but there's still part of me that feels confused and afraid. I doubt my strength to transition for example, or whether I am making the right "choice" and putting my marriage at risk.

And so transition is messy. But one thing I can say for sure, for me it works. I feel more like "me" (not specifically 'girl' nor 'boy') for the first time in my life. I feel free from male libido, and just 'normal'.

I'm still working through my fears and doubts - even though the ones I deal with now are different than the ones I listed above. But at least now days I have some signs that I'm on the right path in terms of feeling better, and just feeling more like myself.

Did you ever see this post I wrote shortly after composing my list of doubts?

[Lynne]

Madelyn, you are thinking so much like me, it's scary The same things cross my mind all the time. I'm not married but I have other issues complicating my life right now. My life is a mess and it seems that I have to solve all my problems together to get anywhere and that's quite scary and overwhelming. I know I'm capable of much more I'm just afraid to get the ball rolling. I know there won't be an ideal moment to start this, because the longer I waited for that moment, the worse my life got in every aspect. I've read the other thread, lot of familiar thoughts there too. Thank you so much for your words!

[dky]

Colleen ireland, hi.I really identified with what you wrote. I have been struggling to understand my gender and I really felt a sense of understanding about my fears and reluctance to deal completely with my gender. Thanks. Sometimes hearing the right thing ast the right time makes a difference.

[Adabelle]

It's hard to believe it was almost two years ago I wrote the original post that started this thread. At the time I was scared to death of transition, and to be honest I didn't feel like I 'deserved' to let myself call myself a girl. I was fighting my spiritual self so much with all my intellect - but failing after all those years.

It was only four months after I wrote the first post in this thread that I ended up going full time and starting Estrogen. I legally changed my name three months after that, and as of today I've been full time for over a year.

Looking back at this list now - from where I sit today - I can see the games I played with myself for all those years. Where I sit today I feel more comfortable with my body than at any time previously (and I haven't even had surgery yet), I'm holding down a job, I've kept most of my friends and family, and I still live with the woman I married (although we consider ourselves separated). Although the last year has been difficult and there have been many tears and struggles, things have stabilized now and become somewhat normal. Overall, I feel more like "me" than at any other point in my life.

I hope that anyone who comes across this thread will be willing to be honest with themselves. I think it's important to listen to the intellectual side, but for so many years I ONLY listened to it - and it was driving me into despair. Once I tried to integrate my intellect with my spirit, I finally have started to find peace. I wish anyone who reads this courage - no matter where you life path leads you.