Why should I transition? Here's why.

[Adabelle]

Some of you may have read the list of doubts I posted up a few days ago. I had written that list a few weeks back, and over the last few therapy sessions it was a great way to delve into some of the intellectual fears/doubts I have been dealing with. I spoke about how I feel at times my mind races to try and find an easy way out - and that list represented some of that intellectual process. My therapist and I talked through some points on that list, and through that process I have benefited greatly in separating out the 'silly' things I come up with, with the ones that are harder to resolve or provide counter answers to. It's been a valuable tool in getting the discussion going in therapy.

I've spent a lot of my life in my "head" on this issue. Trying to talk myself out of being trans, or developing grand distractions to try and avoid how I feel in my spirit (work, career, relationships). So it's natural for some part of my intellect to still be trying to play these games. My therapist consistently encourages me to take my intellectual questioning seriously, but to also give equal weight to how I feel (to my spirit).

I'm good at intellectually fantasizing about the potential negatives of transition and keeping myself scared of being a miserable failure, unhappy, homeless, ugly, whatever. But I had a little mini breakthrough the other night when I played out the scenario of going into my therapist and having her say "you're not trans, this is all in your head." I felt utter despair, and felt such fear about indefinitely living my life as I am right now. The fear helped me a lot, at least I recognized intellectually that I'm boxed in, I feel fear about moving backwards, staying where I'm at, and also moving forward. This was a break through for me because it helped me realize I cannot keep playing games with myself anymore.

So I've started applying my intellect to look at the rational reasons in support of transition. It seems not only fair, but healthy to do - to evaluate as fairly as I can the intellectual reasons to transition. (My "feelings" are lifelong and consistent, it's my mind that wants to find the easy way out.)

So here is the list I've put together of intellectual reasons why I should transition, or at least seek resolution that actually works for me. I am going to share this in an upcoming therapy session and hope that it provides some good ideas for a good discussion.

I am sharing here in the hope that my journey is helpful to others, and also I welcome comments and feedback.

The "feeling" is consistent throughout my entire life, that should have been born a girl. From my earliest memories of becoming aware of differences in gender, to praying every night for Jesus to change me but not let my parents be disappointed, to every wish on every star, to every birthday wish, to every "silent" prayer request in church or groups, to researching medical options as I got older. I have always searched out this path. If this feeling has been consistent my entire life, why would it change in the future?

I regret not addressing this sooner, not transitioning sooner. If today I can honestly say that I regret not transitioning at a younger age, then why can't I assume that I won't regret (perhaps even more) not transitioning today? If I regret not facing these feelings, and accepting who I am long ago, then why won't I have similar regrets long into the future?

My distractions and self-treatment has not been effective. My entire life has largely been focused on over working myself, taking on as much responsibility as possible, and seeking the approval of my community in an effort to distract myself from facing my internal reality. Planning my life for "success", and for "fame", hasn't taken away my transgender feelings. These long-term plans haven't worked. But my short term distractions, dating, sexuality, food, hasn't helped either. If a lifetime of elaborate long and short term distractions haven't worked, what makes me think there's some new thing I can do to force my own continued self-ignorance?

I am afraid of not transitioning. For all the emphasis I put on the fears and doubts around transition, I experience real fear and anxiety about not transitioning as well. For all the walls that I construct in the path ahead, there are walls behind me as well that are real.

I already am in transition. Whether or not I want to "intellectually" admit it (or identify a destination), I already am in transition. Whether it was small ways of not wanting to build any "muscle" mass or be too tall, or have my voice lower during puberty, or whether it is in the last 8 years of starting in on hair removal, more grooming, skin care, practicing makeup, seeking to find an appropriate 'style' for me, allowing myself to be more emotional when I feel it, growing my hair out and in the last 18 months the beginnings of HRT (antiandrogens). When I 'stop' I start slipping into despair. It seems that the main course of "treatment" for my GID is already naturally occurring. When I look at it this way it looks and feels like authentic transition - and it makes me feel better.

It's not fair to my wife to keep myself in limbo or ignore this anymore. As much as I worry about the possibility of disruption to our marriage or possible separation should I begin full HRT and eventually go full-time, I also realize that it's not fair to my wife to remain in limbo indefinitely. My lack of clarity about who I am, and what I want in life contributes to instability in both our lives. Do we proceed with adoption, do we purchase a house together, etc? If I am to transition, and if she would not feel comfortable in the relationship - then we should likely not pursue adoption nor large financial commitments. This is without mentioning that it is better for her if she is single in her 30's than later in life should I put off transition for another 10 or even 20 years. I owe it to her to be honest with myself, so she has the best chance possible to make a life for herself should we separate.

I am surrounded by supportive and loving people. Although I come from (but no longer am a part of) a close-knit conservative religious community that does not take well to LGBT issues, the truth is that through life I have amassed a number of caring, thoughtful, intelligent, and compassionate friends - some of whom are even still in that community. Certainly there will be losses in my relationships - but there may also be gains. Besides, I know that there are a number of people in my life who will stand by me, even if it takes some initial adjustment. Transition may be difficult for my family, but I know I will still be loved and accepted no matter what. For all my fears about loss of relationship, the truth is that I will likely have as much or more support than many others who have successfully taken this path before me.

I have a good chance that I will be able to pass. Despite fears of not being able to successfully transition, or be able to pass as female, my age, and my own history suggests that I may do just fine. I've been "maam'ed" quite a bit on the phone over the years, and even in person it happens once every couple months (though people almost always correct themselves after I get close or use my voice). My sister even had someone look at a picture of she and I together and say, "is that your sister?" and I was completely in boy mode in the photo. By no means does it happen regularly, but it does happen occasionally. Coupled with the fact that I'm still in my early 30's I probably have a reasonable shot that HRT would help me pass. Perhaps my fear about this is not as justified as my mind makes it out to be.

Some others have seen my feminine spirit too, even when I tried desperately to hide it. Even though I can try and intellectualize away my feelings, the truth is that I have this part of my personality that others identify as "girly". When I came out to my sister she said, "I've always known you were transgender - I didn't know what it was - but you've always been that way to me and I like it. I didn't even know it was a problem for you." And other friends saying over the years that I remind them of a girl in some ways, and etc. Even though I tried desperately to hide it, and even though it would be convenient to dismiss any feminine traits as insignificant, I know that's being intellectually honest. And I have evidence right in front of my eyes that some others have seen this in me too. So despite my own fears and doubts I know I'm not making this stuff up or going crazy, others have a shard experience with me to some degree despite my best efforts to hide it from them.

I have much to gain from transition, and much to give. As much as I fear what transition may take from me, I likely have much to gain from it. Not only in terms of a sense of personal peace, and perhaps for the first time in my life a sense of being physically whole, but also in external ways that also seem frightening. The people I take with me through transition will mean all that much more to me, and those who can't make the journey may not be best for me anyway. I will also gain a unique experience that relatively few humans ever get to experience. In the same way I may be given unique opportunities to give as well. Perhaps my life experience will be positive in some way to people around me, and at very least I can bring further diversity and richness to humanity and society in ways that relatively few people in the world can. As much as transgender can be a curse, it can also contain much beauty - and much power in making the world a better place. I can participate in that if I choose.

[annette]

Hi Madelyn

well, you're very good in making lists while you're thinking intellectual.
But, transition is not an intellectual thing, it's emotional.
Now you're making it something with pro's and contra's but there are no pro's and contra's you feel you belong to a gender or not.
whatever you  think, whatever you do the feeling is there and when you have that feeling you have to take action, whatever it takes, that sound very egoistic but that's the way it is.
That's the only clear explanation i can give.
Be honest to yourselve and do what you have to do (depends about the way you feel)
When you think so much about transition I think you may need transition, people who are in the right gender don't think about it, they just live their life in the way they are.
So, don't only think intellectual but also what you are feeling emotional.

merry christmas and a happy newyear

love
annette

[Just Kate]

You feel the dysphoria - you have no choice but to feel it, but what you do about it is your choice - something you have to figure out for yourself.  Whatever you decide to do though, you have to do it for you.  If you are doing it for anyone else, it will torment you and send you into a cycle of blame.  Do it for yourself, and you can build on that, build on the person you are and others will gravitate to you.

I chose not to transition - a decision I made for myself.  I had forces on both sides pushing me one way or another.  Had I transitioned or not for them, I'd hate myself right now, feel I was living a lie.  So it isn't about WHAT I did, but WHY I was doing it.  You can do the same action in multiple ways, doing it because it is your choice will make you feel empowered and confident - doing it because you don't feel you have a choice will make you feel powerless and bitter.

Good luck.

[CaitJ]

I chose not to transition - a decision I made for myself.

Yours was more of a Pascal's Wager situation though, wasn't it?

[Double_Rainbow]

After reading through your list Madelyn, I feel we are in the same boat right now.  Its this constant questioning of every good reason I come up with that is killing me!

[Just Kate]

Yours was more of a Pascal's Wager situation though, wasn't it?

I don't think God cares if people transition or not - there is no golden carrot waiting for us if we do or do not.  We have to find our own carrots and not rely on others' - which was the point of my post.

[CaitJ]

I don't think God cares if people transition or not - there is no golden carrot waiting for us if we do or do not.  We have to find our own carrots and not rely on others' - which was the point of my post.

Actually there is a golden carrot in your religion; being male offers significant advantages, as does having a wife.
I think there's a little more to this than you're letting on 

[Amazon D]

I can't say if you should or shouldn't and i am happy i did or i would never know what i know but i did fool myself in what i had originally thought was my reason and have come to know a different reason which still works for me and yet i am kinda transitioned back living half as male and legally female which is fine by me.

I hope this helps you to think about that one true reason your doing this but yet want to maybe not post it (deny it) here ... if its there...  as i would have .... if i was writing your thread.

[Cindy Stephens]

I'm not religious, and having a wife offers many benefits to me!  Being single is the ONE great predictor of poverty.  I have posted the income levels of transgender people in the Bay Area of California in other posts on this site.  I don't want to be poor.  After two divorces, at least I had enough sense to marry someone who will stay if I decide to transition.  There is no Pascal's wager for me. 
My concern, and you may have addressed this in your first posting, is that you are using the "intellectual" thing as an excuse.  Try a little branch of "goal theory" that I often use.  You are early 30's, established, family. As a goal, "TRANSITION" is a really big scary one.    Break transition up into "relatively" easier to accomplish goals.    You are trying to break a fascis, a bundle of sticks in the old Greek story.  Unbundled, they are broken easily.  Although easy may not be a good word to use. Decide which stick in the bundle means the most to you, and start there.  Start with say, "Family," have you mentioned how your wife feels about it? Have you discussed it with her?  Feel her out.  Would her disapproval be a deal breaker? If it is, and she says (no/yes), then you have your answer until you decide it isn't a deal breaker, or if you pass that, you move on to the next goal.  WOW, now you have a beginning goal, a starting point.  If you get "family" stuff settled, then attack "job, living arrangements, hormones, clothes, surgery" etc.  You have turned an impossible intellectual exercise into a real world possibility, small steps at a time.    After starting you may decide to run the whole way, like some, or, like others, decide to stop frequently and enjoy the view.  But at least you will be doing something with your LIFE.  Hope this helps. 

[Adabelle]

I'm really grateful for the discussion here. Thank you each for posting.

I know that just with these "lists" of pros and cons from an intellectual perspective that it looks like I'm missing the whole point. Believe me I feel this acutely.

But the thing is, that how I "feel" in side is easy - it's a no brainer for me; my entire life I've experienced a consistent dysphoria about being in a male body. I feel very confident in that. The simple fact that I've felt this disconnect with my male body, and a strong desire for outward confirmation of my inner feelings consistently is enough I think to make me feel like transition is the right path for me. How I feel is easy in my case.

But my mind races, and fears come up. So for now I'm accepting this as part of the process, and trying to work through the intellectual part (even as silly as some of my doubts may be).

The truth is, I started transition years ago by taking small steps, and with each step I feel confirmed it's the right direction. It's one thing to take antiandrogens though (which has helped a little frankly) do hair removal, lose weight, etc etc, it's another thing when the next small step is estrogen. That small step is a big one for me, and it's a "next step" that's nearing rapidly. It feels right in every way to my spirit. But at some point I'm going to need to "stop", or continue. Anything else is just delaying, constructing distractions, and ignoring the issue - which drives me into despair.

That's what this is about.

I've had a bit of shift in my intellectual thinking though recently. Frankly I think maybe I am getting mentally exhausted with the false hopes that it will 'go away' or that I can indefinitely distract my spirit with some clever games. I am tired of the fantasy fears of worst case scenarios, and the self denial. So instead of just allowing my intellectual mind to work against my spirit, I thought to employ it in defense and validation of my spirit. And this was some of the thoughts that came to mind. Maybe it's not a helpful exercise for many, but for me it has helped I think.