Guilt, fear and shame.

[Anima]

I'm already shy with a really low self-esteem, so coming out about the same time as both bisexual and transsexual was pretty surreal. And I think it has helped a lot to do that, but still I get this fear about "what are they thinking/talking about when it comes to me?", and feel ashamed to be me, and having guilt about being a kind of person that seem to make most people confused. Even if I logically know that I can't help it, still I feel bad about myself. Abnormal... So I self-medicate quite a lot with alcohol and drugs to not feel gender dysphoria, addicted to the Valium my doctor subscribes, and the low feeling about myself. So I was wondering if anyone have anything they think or do that makes it easier to be you? 

[N.Chaos]

Not be drunk, for one thing. I don't know how it is for you, but when I drank a lot I'd always end up either incredibly miserable and self-destructive, or just pissed off and generally destructive. Drinking's fine occasionally, but I'm telling you from experience it's only going to make things worse. Same as with a lot of drugs. I haven't been on Valium in a long time (and it might effect you different), but when I used to buy Vicodin off a friend of mine the comedown was horrible and made me even more depressed than in the first place.  If you're going to do drugs, honestly, do pot. I've never heard of a depressed pothead. I've been trying to switch over to that as opposed to Oxys and everything else I used to do, mainly because it doesn't make me sick as hell afterwards and because coming off of it doesn't leave me wanting to curl up and die.

[Anima]

I've never heard of a depressed pothead.

I was depressed as hell the last time I smoked. Was just lying in my bed and feeling that everything was horrible. So now you've heard of a depressed pothead 

And I know about alcohol, I shouldn't be drinking at all as a bipolar, but most of the time it makes me feel good (and sometimes I end up in the lunatic asylum).

I've started to experiment a bit too much with opiates and amphetamine instead, to not feel so >-bleeped-<ing miserable without spending hours a day infront of the mirror to put on makeup and mutilate myself with a razor and not eat for days, in order to almost look like a bit of what I want.

"leave me wanting to curl up and die" was an excellent description on the after-effect of many drugs!

[JessicaR]

  Looking back, I found that the guilt, fear and shame that I felt had everything to do with how others felt about me... and left me with no self-worth. When I was a teen, I would get drunk, turn the music up in my room and imagine I was at a party... and that people liked me, that I could talk and laugh and dance like no one was watching and not worry about what others thought. Going into adulthood, I started to use just so I could spend a few hours without the dysphoria.

  When I came out, I felt exactly as you describe.... I could only imagine what others were saying about me and it drove me nuts. I felt like a freak, plain and simple. As I worked through transition, though, I found that the more "myself" I became, the less abnormal I felt. The first few days when I started to change my appearance were tough but after awhile I started to feel right with myself. Others noticed that and responded to it favorably.

  I think what helped me the most is reaching out to other people... I joined a support group (best thing I ever did!) and started attending LGBT events, even though I didn't know anyone... It's an amazing feeling to get out and meet people that are just like you I even reached out to coworkers who would listen... I've been quite candid about my transition with them and it's paid off. I've made new friends that are starting to offset the family and friends that I lost for being Trans. A good sense of humor helps, too... Some of the things we do as Transfolks are just plain bizarre to most... Being able to laugh about that makes everyone feel more at ease.

   Before I started transition, I was diagnosed with Social and Generalized Anxiety Disorders and Clinical Depression. Now, almost 6 years later, the Social Anxiety is completely gone (if anything, I'm a little too outgoing these days, lol) The depression is mostly gone and I'm far less anxious than I used to be. In my case, transition was the appropriate treatment for my GID and treatment worked. It's not perfect and it won't change who you are inside but living as you were meant to live should start to make you feel better.  It sounds like you've just begun.... This stuff takes awhile... know that you're not always going to feel "abnormal." You've already started.. with each step you take, you'll feel a little stronger..

Jessica

[N.Chaos]

I was depressed as hell the last time I smoked. Was just lying in my bed and feeling that everything was horrible. So now you've heard of a depressed pothead 

And I know about alcohol, I shouldn't be drinking at all as a bipolar, but most of the time it makes me feel good (and sometimes I end up in the lunatic asylum).

I've started to experiment a bit too much with opiates and amphetamine instead, to not feel so >-bleeped-<ing miserable without spending hours a day infront of the mirror to put on makeup and mutilate myself with a razor and not eat for days, in order to almost look like a bit of what I want.

"leave me wanting to curl up and die" was an excellent description on the after-effect of many drugs!

Ha, well >-bleeped-<, I've been proven wrong!

Yeah, it is unfortunately an accurate as hell description. I spent the majority of high school playing around with valium and vicodin, army-grade painkillers, any kind of mind-numbing downer. While I was still on Zoloft I even picked up this idiotic habit of choking down 6 or 7 of them at a time, even though it didn't help anything. It made me feel like I was having a seizure, I'd get cold sweat all over, I'd usually end up in my closet shaking and trying to rip my nails out. In a  few moments of incredible stupidity I even took them with Jolt or Monster...I'm highly sensitive to caffeine. To put it into perspective, if I drink a small cup of coffee, it feels like my heart's hammering and I get shaky. I literally almost killed myself two years ago because of >-bleeped-<ing Monster.

Opiates are one thing, but seriously, please be careful with the amphetamines. So much >-bleeped-< can go wrong with them. Opiates even are massively addictive, I've got a close friend who almost got booted off parole for getting hooked on his wife's Oxycontin.

[gennee]

A lot of fear, shame, and guilt is heaped upon us by others. The trick is not to let other define who we are or the way we feel. We have every right to be who we are.

Gennee

[annette]

Hi Anima

For what I know is that drinking and using drugs do not solve your problems.
Contruary, you have just one problem more to deal with.
My suggestion would be, talk with your therapist and look around on this forum.
You are absolutely not the only one with GID, so it isn't that strange, only here there are almost 6000 people.

Think about it, what did you do wrong, is it a crime to be born in a wrong body?
No, off course not, you didn't ask for it.
It's not a matter of behaviour, it's a matter of a mistake by nature, it's beyond the reach of your influence.

So, please talk to someone who knows something about genderproblems, the more you talk the more normal it becomes.
I hope you can stop shaming and feeling guilty about  something what you can't help.

stay strong sis, and believe in yourself.

hugs
annette

[Hrobinson]

Subject Booze

I recently cut it out, i am not a heavey drinker but i did do 2 glasses of wine a night for 1.3 years. you know it messed me up for a few days but the anxiety finally went down, this caused major probems with self esteem etc for me. this is recent by the way.

[insideontheoutside]

This was eerily familiar to read! I'm sure you'll hear all sorts of people say not to do drugs or drink to excess. It's an easy thing for someone to say. I'm not going to say that.

But I've been there and done that (and I'm also bisexual, in addition to the trans thing - even though I don't call myself trans because I think it's just some psychologist's spin on it, but I digress - and have somewhat ambiguous genitals so I'm sure you can imagine what fun all that was growing up with!). I spent more than 20 years of my life feeling an array of emotions ... insecurity, awkwardness, self loathing, depression, anxiety, etc. etc.. I've used drugs (both prescription and illegal), been an alcoholic, felt suicidal. I used substances and booze to hide and to attempt to feel better. I realize in retrospect it never did either of those things and the only place it led me was to a more messed up mind, worse off health, and nearly ending it all. I've thought about it a lot and when I was getting clean and getting better I used to wish that I'd never gone through any of that - never taken any drugs or drank myself stupid, but as time went on I began to realize I wouldn't be where I am right now if I had made different choices - if I hadn't gone through all that >-bleeped-<.

What got me out of the hole though? Well, it was a couple very good friends to start out with that helped me put things into perspective and literally saved my life on one occasion. For me, I guess I just had to reach my absolute bottom. Luckily my bottom was not as low as some people (as far as drugs went for instance I never did anything really serious like heroine or anything - but I know people who have and it seriously thrashed them for life) but nevertheless I went to my own "edge" and peered down into the nothingness and decided to turn around and walk away from it. I decided I did want to live and that life was worth living in spite of my body or any thoughts in my head. I realized there were people who loved and cared about me that I totally took for granted when I was too busy being depressed and loaded.

But that was only the first step. For a number of years after that, while I felt better, I would still keep coming around to the body issues - that I wasn't how I desperately wanted to be. But I knew not even hormones would ever change that. It's only been in the last couple years that another major shift has happened for me. Again, I was helped along by a friend who made me realize that I had a lot going for me in life and that my body was normal for me. I didn't actually need to change it to be who I really was. I struggled with that for awhile but began to change my viewpoint on a number of things. That was the key for me - honestly accepting some things and changing the way I look at them.

That may not be the same route that would get you out of the funk, but if I could get to a better place I'm sure you can!

[Stephe]

I'm lucky in that I am a mega extrovert. I can't imagine being trans and introverted/shy and how tough that would be.  When I was younger I drank a lot, smoked weed etc trying to avoid dealing with being TG. About 8 years ago at age 40 I started changing my appearance, becoming more feminine, MTF. About 2 years ago I just said screw it and started living as a women full time 24/7. I've just started HRT a  month ago and scheduled FFS but this is more for my own enjoyment to improve my appearance. Do I pass? Not that great but people do -know- I am a woman.

I am no longer ashamed of being TG and on the fear thing, I think 99% of being accepted is your attitude. You could "pass" fairly well but if you act ashamed, people pick up on that and wonder what you're acting so oddly for. I find when I started holding my head up and KNOWING "I'm a woman and don't give a damn",  my life changed. Now if someone calls me "sir" or tries to be an ass, I just stand proud and they quickly see I am not intimidated by their actions. It is tough to be trans and there are some real jerks out there, but I have found the VAST majority of people will accept you as you choose to be IF you have accepted yourself.

Stephe

[Staci3336]

Guilt Fear and Shame.... hopelessness, I  can surely understand, drinking for me gave temporary relief, but it soon ended and just made all the emotions worse. I'd have to say it got much better for me once I accepted me for me. Thats easier said than done, and I'll be honest with you came easier with age. But what I can say once I REALLY excepted myself, it helped me think alot clearer about my options, and how to manage GID for myself insteadof it running my life.

[Blythe_Fate]

It will be different from person to person. There is no real universal solution to make it easier. There may be strategies that work for some but not for others.
Personally, drinking/drugs would not be an option to make it easier. I do enjoy a drink now and then.. but would not lose myself in a sea of alcohol.
When I feel like nothing is moving forward I talk to someone I trust and care about. I hold a select few individuals close to my heart and I truly value the bond that we share. I may not open up to my everyday "hey how ya doin?" friends.. but those few.. they hear everything that goes racing through my mind. 
After talking with/ranting to/laughing with them.. I always feel much better.
Reading similar stories in this community has also been a huge help with my mood as of late.

I'm lucky in that I am a mega extrovert. I can't imagine being trans and introverted/shy and how tough that would be.  When I was younger I drank a lot, smoked weed etc trying to avoid dealing with being TG. About 8 years ago at age 40 I started changing my appearance, becoming more feminine, MTF. About 2 years ago I just said screw it and started living as a women full time 24/7. I've just started HRT a  month ago and scheduled FFS but this is more for my own enjoyment to improve my appearance. Do I pass? Not that great but people do -know- I am a woman.

I am no longer ashamed of being TG and on the fear thing, I think 99% of being accepted is your attitude. You could "pass" fairly well but if you act ashamed, people pick up on that and wonder what you're acting so oddly for. I find when I started holding my head up and KNOWING "I'm a woman and don't give a damn",  my life changed. Now if someone calls me "sir" or tries to be an ass, I just stand proud and they quickly see I am not intimidated by their actions. It is tough to be trans and there are some real jerks out there, but I have found the VAST majority of people will accept you as you choose to be IF you have accepted yourself.

Stephe

I must say, Stephe.. this post is absolutely inspiring. I'm actually speechless. (which is a rare thing)