It's been 2 years since I began my transition to living an authentic life as the woman I know myself to be. A lot has happened since then; most of it good. My worst fears did not materialize. My wife did not leave me. She is my most devoted friend, companion, and, yes, lover. My two sons have accepted me as their 2nd mom, and I'm still hopeful that my daughter will do so too, eventually. She's had a hard time losing her dad. Three of my four sisters have been marvelous; the fourth, well, religion messed her brain. My past friendships are a mixed bag. I've lost some, but others have become even closer. For that, I'm very grateful. But even more wonderful is all the new friends that I've made since.
My lifetime struggle with gender dysphoria (the anxiety and distress of being born a male-bodied woman) is over. I don't consider the remaining complaints about my body GD. It's been over 8 months since my sex change operation. I am now a female in both body and mind. The peace and satisfaction I feel at having corrected my mind/body incompatibility has been epic.
I would be remiss if I didn't highlight the wondrous effect of hormone therapy. The hostile male body chemistry that once was, has been replaced with one amenable to feminine physical and mental development. The physical transformation brought about by hormone therapy in combination with facial feminization surgery has erased most of the maleness that I so despised. The results speak for themselves. It's more than I ever expected at the outset. I have been very fortunate in that regard. I can blend into the outside world as a woman and avoid the reproach that being trans often invokes.
Gender transition is the most difficult thing I have ever done. It required an intensity of mental and physical effort that I now wonder how I was able to sustain. The drive to complete what nature, society, and medicine withheld from me eventually became so overpowering that I was willing to do anything and everything possible to achieve gender congruence.
I used to be astonished at those who embark on a transition journey. I still admire the courage required to do so. The path is perilous and the final destination uncertain. Some are ambivalent about where they fall within the gender spectrum. Many do not have the means to undergo the necessary physical changes needed to be gendered correctly. The barriers and limitations are myriad. Many fail to achieve peace of mind. For me, transition has been a rebirth opening up a whole new world of experience.
The ultimate test is maybe the hardest of all: socialization; to find a place in the world as my new self. There are so many land mines and pitfalls to navigate. Having been socialized as a male for so many years interferes with my ability to assume the ideals, sensibilities, and behaviors of the average female. My vocabulary, body language, manner of dress, emotional expression, interaction with other women and men, etc. will affect my ability to function effectively, make friends, and fit into social situations. I'm still working on these subtle, yet critical, aspects of being a binary woman.
One thing that is beyond my control, however, is the way others perceive and react to me. I've found that if someone doesn't know that I'm trans, they react in, what I see as, a very natural man-to-woman or woman-to-woman way. Throw in the knowledge that I was "born male", and things change in subtle ways. It sometimes shows as people becoming overly accommodating; at other times avoidance; still others rudeness. I'm still coming to grips with that reality. There's nothing I can do to change how others feel about trans people. Hopefully, in time, it will get better. In the mean time, I have to deal with it within myself.
My wife and I will be spending this coming winter in the southwest region of the U.S. I plan to avoid revealing my trans status to others to see how well we, as a same-sex couple, can integrate into the cis world. I'd like to believe that I can eventually leave my medical past behind, and just live a happy, less complicated life.
Thank you for sharing your story I found it very interesting and helpful!
Very inspiring and you showed lots of courage! :)
You do what you must do and your doing what must be done, dont forget to enjoy it and always remember #@+#! em all if they cant deal, YOU are one of very few in this world, Im happy and proud of you :) 8)
Well, You're never quite sure when to mark the end of a transition. Seven days ago I had breast augmentation surgery. I just was not happy with my 36B breasts, and they weren't getting any bigger. So I did my research and scheduled a consultation with a reputable plastic surgeon in Northbrook, IL (suburb of Chicago). I was armed with B&A photos of what I wanted, got a dose of reality about what was and wasn't possible, did the whole Vectra 3-D simulation thing, and came up with a plan. Two Mentor MemoryShape 440 cc medium height, moderate projection 5th generation cohesive gel silicone (gummy bear) implants, placed subpectorally (dual-plane) through an inframammary incision.
I was sore as hell for two days, slightly feverish for a third, swelled hard as a rock even now, but I'm improving my arm strength and mobility day by day. The surgical bra which I have to wear 24/7 gets so uncomfortable, I have to take it off once in a while to get some relief. But even as I'm writing this, it's lying here reminding me to put it back on so that the implants heal to the chest wall and muscle so they stay in a vertical orientation.
This Youtube video (not me) tells it just the way it was for me at the 3 day point:
Post Op Day 3 Mentor Memory Shape "Gummy Bear" Implants (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMyBoTaMH5A)
Congratulations on your successful BA surgery Clara. ;)
8 days post-op and a quick switcheroo into an underwire from that ugly surgical compression bra.....
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/Y5Pmhgn-PKhn20ou26pgzMO5uGC76WZ0blW6Rm8ZjvlM5orjszyryuilL0V27g4FDEUrcwr9hg=w6400-h3600-no)
Quote from: Clara Kay on July 17, 2016, 08:31:22 AM
Gender transition is the most difficult thing I have ever done. It required an intensity of mental and physical effort that I now wonder how I was able to sustain. The drive to complete what nature, society, and medicine withheld from me eventually became so overpowering that I was willing to do anything and everything possible to achieve gender congruence.
Thinking of this statement, my doctor who transitioned 20 years ago said this to me, "transitioning fully is like preparing to become an astronaut." so your statement is very true, it take a lot to first move forward and then keep things going as there are so many hurtles along our journeys which means a great deal of mental and physical effort as you have indicated.
Quote from: Clara Kay on July 17, 2016, 08:31:22 AM
I plan to avoid revealing my trans status
That is a great, why dwell on your former life, best to move forward in this case but not to forget the good things.
I wish you and your wife all the happiness in the world as you grow old together.
Love your post and the inspiration it brought me through your realism! Can't wait to hear about your time in the Southwest :)
The 'almost' part of my thread's title is turning out to be more significant than I thought.
I've undergone 220 hours of electrolysis (no laser) to rid my face and neck of unsightly male beard hair. It's been a long and expensive process. My last electrolysis session was almost 4 months ago when I moved away from where my electrologist practices. I am happy with the progress I've made over the previous 2 years since I started facial hair removal.
I was under the impression that once a follicle was killed by electrolysis, the pore closed up and no hair would ever grow there again. That doesn't seem to be case for me, however. I have fine peach fuzz hairs over much of my face and neck. They are completely colorless, shallow rooted, and only visible if I hold a flashlight against my face while looking in a 10X makeup mirror in a dark room. Is this something that others have noticed? Is it true that after aggressive electrolysis, you can still expect to have facial hair in the form of peach fuzz? Will the peach fuzz eventually grow into thick male-like facial hair or stay short, light, and soft? If it stays like the vellus hair that natal women have, no problem, otherwise, good god, how do you get rid of this stuff?
I'm late to your original post. I read it this evening and it really made me feel hopeful. I needed that, thank you!
Moni
Yes!!! celebrate it! Victory, let's claim it. We deserve it. We defeated our demons, slayed dragons. We mastered our minds and bodies. We transcended all negativity along the way. And we are still going strong! nothing can stop us. Up, up, up and away!
I have peach fuzz all over my face but it's heaver in places where there was less hair removal. In about 30 years with no treatment, I have around a dozen survivors that aren't really worth getting removed. It's normal for women to have this but makeup tends to cover it up so it's not noticeable. Don't worry about it, as you may still want a few minutes in the chair sometime in the future but your electrolysis bill has been reduced to almost nothing.
OMG! You've got vellus hairs! These are the wonderful fine hairs covering ciswomen's skin, softening the skin and appearance. AKA peach fuzz. It's a GOOD thing.
I'd kill to have just vellus hair blanketing my hide.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Quote from: HappyMoni on January 16, 2017, 07:57:32 PM
I'm late to your original post. I read it this evening and it really made me feel hopeful. I needed that, thank you!
Moni
You're welcome, Moni. I should say that before my transition began, I was not hopeful or encouraged about achieving a satisfactory outcome. It's turned out much better than I ever thought, so keep your eye on the ball (no pun intended), good things will come your way with time and effort. :)
Clara,
Thanks! Actually I am pretty optimistic. I have been lucky in many ways. My transition is going very well. Sure I get upset when I think my progress is threatened. It is my weakness. When you are climbing this mountain it is nice to hear from those who have made it to the top. I tell you and I tell any other post transitioners or almost finished transitioners, please tell your stories. It is so good to hear from our big sisters. It is reassuring for those who are still plugging away. I, for one, am lifted by your story and the story of others who are near the end of their evolution.
As for the hair, I don't know if it ever disappears. I think it just becomes so fine it is not a problem. I am not brave enough to count up all my electrolysis time. Take care!
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on January 19, 2017, 08:22:19 PM
When you are climbing this mountain it is nice to hear from those who have made it to the top. I tell you and I tell any other post transitioners or almost finished transitioners, please tell your stories. It is so good to hear from our big sisters. It is reassuring for those who are still plugging away.
I am glad to hear this and I hope my occasional stories find resonance for a few. Often I fear that I come off bragging because I am done with most of the steps that so many are just starting or still going through. But honestly, I do want to show that the outcome is (at least for me) wonderful. Am I a radiant beauty after FFS, not even close. Do I have a magnificent sex life, by most standards no, but I am satisfied. Have I made friends, yes and I am fully accepted by them as just another girl. I came back to the online forum world seeking advice and support for my upcoming VFS surgery, and you all have been nothing but the absolute best in this regard. I find it really hard to talk about it with my close friends, because they are all cis-gendered and they just cannot relate.
But since I have been here, I have heard your coming out stories; I have read your posts about transition; and it has invigorated me. I am incredibly happy for each and every one of you as you take each step on your own journey. Each day adds to your story and to the collective story of our community. When I first came out back in 2002, I fully expected to lose everything--my family, my marriage, my job, my friends, basically everything I held dear. As it turns out, I gained so much more than I ever lost, and now I live a fantastic life filled with my family of friends. Now I have had my ups and downs over the years, but knowing that I am now living as I have always wanted to is deep down the only thing that matters to me.
I wish each and every one of you the fulfillment of your dreams; be that acceptance for being who you are, or fully transitioning into a whole new you. Life is magical and our community constantly fills me with hope and joy. When I had my SRS/GCS back in 2004, I could not have imagined feeling the way I feel today. And even though it has only been 13 years of being "me", I truly feel like I have always been this way, and maybe I have been deep inside and that inside me is all that is left.
Much love to all, and again I hope that my words help and encourage. :)
Quote from: Inarasarah on January 20, 2017, 12:26:24 AMWhen I had my SRS/GCS back in 2004, I could not have imagined feeling the way I feel today. And even though it has only been 13 years of being "me", I truly feel like I have always been this way, and maybe I have been deep inside and that inside me is all that is left.
Wow! 13 years! You
are my big sister. It's hard to gauge when one's transition is over and just the normal changes that all people experience takes over. My cisgender family and friends don't relate to my being trans, but, to be fair, I have trouble relating to being cisgender. What must it be like to feel totally at peace with your natal sex?
Even though I'm only into my fourth year since starting HRT, and just 15 months since my GRS, I have noticed changes in my mental state since the heady, euphoric, emotional days when estrogen first made its presence felt. As the months and years pass, things do settle down. As each step in transition is taken, the body and mind adjust to the new reality of being the opposite sex. I'm learning that there are aspects of my personality that are intrinsic to my core identity. Much of who I used to be, who I pretended to be, was but a thin veneer which barely covered my true self. Transition for me was a shedding of, no, a tearing away the male facade, but in the process I stripped away parts of me that were real in a zealous attempt to seek validation from the people in my life. Now, having achieved what appears to be acceptance from the world at large, I feel free to restore my whole self, not worry about what people may think; not feel that I have to measure up to what others expect of me; to stop pretending to be less masculine or more feminine than I actually am. I see this as the final stage of transitioning which is probably similar to what cisgender women struggle with as well. Gender is a spectrum. I suspect that all people trans
and cis need to discover where they fall within that spectrum.
Big sister...hehe :)
One thing I have noticed is that I don't really remember what it was like to be a boy. I honestly don't remember what it is like to not have breasts and what it was like to have boy parts. I think that as more time passes we start remembering the past as we are today, although I can look at pictures of my former self, I don't see myself, I cannot remember the specific sensations back then, but I know who I was then, and I do not deny living it.
I am not sure if this makes sense, but you are right about the spectrum, I think we all traverse it each day for our whole lives.
Quote from: Inarasarah on January 20, 2017, 04:01:19 PM
One thing I have noticed is that I don't really remember what it was like to be a boy. I honestly don't remember what it is like to not have breasts and what it was like to have boy parts. I think that as more time passes we start remembering the past as we are today, although I can look at pictures of my former self, I don't see myself, I cannot remember the specific sensations back then, but I know who I was then, and I do not deny living it.
Oh, it makes perfect sense to me, Sarah. Even at this early stage of my new life, it seems very odd to speak of my former existence and connect to it. For me transition was the death of one person, and the birth of a another. It sometimes shocks me when, on occasion, the feeling of being my former self rises up. I have to tell myself that it's only natural that I should experience moments like these given how much we two have in common as brother and sister.
Quote from: Clara Kay on January 20, 2017, 05:05:17 PM
It sometimes shocks me when, on occasion, the feeling of being my former self rises up.
This fades in time, I know that many years after transition, feels kept coming up. but I think the longer we live as ourselves the more our lives reflect who we are rather than who we were.
As I might have mentioned before, my voice is the only remnant of what I was like before. Even though I trained and worked on it, I still hear the former me when I speak. Hopefully everything will change in in 3 weeks...
Quote from: Clara Kay on January 20, 2017, 01:57:40 PMI'm learning that there are aspects of my personality that are intrinsic to my core identity. Much of who I used to be, who I pretended to be, was but a thin veneer which barely covered my true self. Transition for me was a shedding of, no, a tearing away the male facade, but in the process I stripped away parts of me that were real in a zealous attempt to seek validation from the people in my life. Now, having achieved what appears to be acceptance from the world at large, I feel free to restore my whole self, not worry about what people may think; not feel that I have to measure up to what others expect of me; to stop pretending to be less masculine or more feminine than I actually am. I see this as the final stage of transitioning which is probably similar to what cisgender women struggle with as well. Gender is a spectrum. I suspect that all people trans and cis need to discover where they fall within that spectrum.
Yes, after transition there's a period of integration to accomplish. We are so used to pretending to be someone else through so much of our lives, there's still this element of performativity of being ourselves, mediated by our perceptions of social acceptance, which I think everyone has to deal with to some extent (social forces are very powerful, after all). Now suddenly everyone is gendering us correctly, one's womanhood becomes "known," and sometimes I think other people see it better than we do ourselves.
So we let the guard down. Do something "transgressive" -- and realize that every woman is transgressive in some way, shape, or form, some more than others, of course, but this is by and large true. Every woman I know has some masculine traits. And, I suspect, every man has some feminine traits, though many men refuse to show those traits to anyone, except, perhaps, a lover.
But I'm not sure I'd call this a "spectrum" -- because when it comes to gender, it's still defined by the two poles, that duality, and everyone has a clear idea of what lies at one end and what lies at the other. A stone-cold dyke is still identifiably a
woman, even if she's more butch than most men on the planet. She's still a she, and everyone knows it (or will know it pretty soon). In other words, gender isn't the role, it isn't a set of traits, it isn't a performance... it's an
assignment. What we do within that assignment will look like a spectrum, but the assignment itself really isn't a spectrum at all.
(And sure, there are those who don't technically belong at either end, but this percentage is very small, and it's not like anyone has a clear idea of what the in-between or outside points "look" like, other than being "other.")
So after time passes and the new assignment sinks in, then what?
Quote from: Inarasarah on January 20, 2017, 12:26:24 AMWhen I had my SRS/GCS back in 2004, I could not have imagined feeling the way I feel today. And even though it has only been 13 years of being "me", I truly feel like I have always been this way, and maybe I have been deep inside and that inside me is all that is left.
This is something I've noticed as well... a subtle adjustment of my memories.
It's funny, after everyone stopped clocking me, the only person left to clock me was myself. For the first couple years after the surgeries, immersing myself into simply living a woman's life, there was always a "second" voice in my head, reminding me of my past, of the transition "narrative" as something that defined me. But I just ignored it. I kept living, kept living, with new friends and new work and a new lover, and all around me I'm getting gendered female, female, female, and of course the cis assumption is that one has always been this way.
Maybe they're right.
So of course when the opportunities came to tell stories from my past, I stuck to the cis assumption -- my stories were stories of when I was a little girl, or becoming a young woman. Well, lo and behold, the memories invoked with those stories started to change. Or, maybe, they were the right memories all along, and only "covered up" like our souls had been covered up by the falsity of the flesh, and it's only been a matter of peeling away the layers to reveal the truth within.
Anyways, the point of all this is that the "second" voice eventually went away. Disappeared into the aether. And I think that marks a point where transsexing is really happening, where we start to discover not just how to "be ourselves" but how to fully participate in the... essence... of womanhood. Where we really grok it, and we become it, and it becomes us.
Step into the life dreamed of... and that life steps into you.
Being Post-Op for some 39 1/3 years. Post HRT since around 1985, doctors didn't do any hormone checking in those days. My OB/GYN couldn't see a need to continue, as I was like a Post-menopausal woman.
At 66 I am now in old age. Besides all the usual old age problems.
After my partner died in 2014, I have now decided to check out any Trans related physical problems.
I have had two mammograms, Medicare pays for them. I had a Bone Density Test. Had the complete Heart stress testing done. Had a PSA as a precaution. Had my doctor draw blood for Hormone levels. Got a recommendation for an Endo.
Not sure what else to have tested.
As for facial hair. It was gone back in 1976. But as some older Post menopausal women, like my mother had in her 60s, I have some heavier chin facial hair. Had an Electrologist take a 1/2 hour a couple of times getting rid of them.
As an aside for those with slightly larger Breasts, I am a 46 D cup size. When 35 years younger and 100 pounds lighter I was a 38 D. For a woman with my size and weight that is small-ish. But age and weight with gravity, I join the older cis woman in my age group with low hanging fruit. Not sure what effect BA, for ones that have it, will have as you age.
So I guess I am going thru the final transition.
I love this thread. I'm only about a month post op, but I can relate to a lot of what's in this thread. The hair too! It's driving me insane!
Quote from: Clara Kay on September 23, 2016, 10:57:46 PM
8 days post-op and a quick switcheroo into an underwire from that ugly surgical compression bra....
quite possibly the worst thing you can do for breast implants that soon after BA.
you should wear a surgical bra for the first week or two, then you should switch over to a loose fitting cloth sports bra for 6 months.
You want the breasts to settle naturally and move in towards each other so you have a nice cleavage line. underwire bras prevent that with implants.
For those who are out many years from the initial phase of transition and surgeries, having lived and benefited for years or even decades by congruent gender, how does it feel to have life evolve into older age? The emphasis on secondary sexual characteristics must wane, the eye must turn more inward to some extent.
In the heat of the moment at younger age, tortured by dysphoria, I wonder if we lose larger perspective on the internal milieu that comes in the longer term life as a woman.
Steph
I just can't wait to be able to be where you ladies are at where I could say I have a vagina LOL
Sent from my SPH-L720 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Steph Eigen on March 22, 2017, 05:55:01 PM
For those who are out many years from the initial phase of transition and surgeries, having lived and benefited for years or even decades by congruent gender, how does it feel to have life evolve into older age? The emphasis on secondary sexual characteristics must wane, the eye must turn more inward to some extent.
In the heat of the moment at younger age, tortured by dysphoria, I wonder if we lose larger perspective on the internal milieu that comes in the longer term life as a woman.
Steph
This is a really different question that I don't think I have ever been asked. For me it was about dealing with the discomfort I had in life. It wasn't sexual as I am still a virgin and it wasn't about being attractive as I never really considered myself to be attractive. Surgery eliminated the testosterone, the depression and the dysphoria in a few hours. From then on, it as been about enjoying life and doing different things that I never planed on doing previous. Before surgery there was school, work and distractions. After surgery, I have traveled in the United States, meet many people and had discussions with them and take more enjoyment out of living day to day. It's just living a normal life like everybody else without having my gender intruding in my thoughts.
Even something as simple as working the web site tonight, it's not about me finding an answer for myself, it's about helping somebody else find their answer. I look around and see so many people taking their first step, moving to full time and in many cases moving on to surgery. It feels good knowing that some day their journey will end and they to can join me in just living life.
I'm very proud of you transition! Wish I would of done something 40 years ago. Life's been a living hell!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thank you for sharing.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Steph Eigen on March 22, 2017, 05:55:01 PM
For those who are out many years from the initial phase of transition and surgeries, having lived and benefited for years or even decades by congruent gender, how does it feel to have life evolve into older age? The emphasis on secondary sexual characteristics must wane, the eye must turn more inward to some extent.
In the heat of the moment at younger age, tortured by dysphoria, I wonder if we lose larger perspective on the internal milieu that comes in the longer term life as a woman.
Steph
I have lived life for many years, in the male form. I know I can life live as a woman hopefully for many years. I am not worried about living an every day life. I am excited to live life without what seems like a mosquito (dysphoria) buzzing and irritating me all the time. Maybe it is just a matter of emphasis. The important things in life don't change no matter what the gender expression. The self image, well, that does adjust. I am probably not able to answer the question as you asked it, since I am fairly new in my transition. My belief is that given longer time, I would be more at peace with my place in the world.
Monica
I'm 3 months further along since I last commented on this thread. I've been living "stealth" away from my permanent residence for the past 6 months. When I say stealth, I simply mean that I don't volunteer information about my medical past to people I meet. My partner is a cis woman so people in our condo complex who we've come to know quite well assume that we are a couple of ladies who've decided to shack up together, lol. I'm always gendered female without hesitation, so I assume people are interacting with me as a woman, albeit a possible lesbian. No one seems uncomfortable in our presence. I'm in a very conservative state (Arizona) which ironically makes living stealth easier because people here are not sensitized to the presence of trans people. Remnants of my former masculine body are overshadowed by my feminine appearance.
Jenny Boylan once said that near the end of her transition, her first thoughts on waking in the morning were no longer about gender. I made that a milestone to mark the end of my own transition. I guess I'm there. I tell other girls to get used to the idea that at some point the sense of being transgender becomes less and less of a preoccupation. The once male persona fades, and so does that infamous second puberty that turned me into a "teenage girl" for a good part of two years. The thrill of having escaped my male body and being able to live authentically has settled into a quiet contentment that I'm starting to take for granted. Sometimes when I recall those heady days of my early transition, I feel a sense of loss now being just an "ordinary" woman. On the other hand, it's nice to get back to pursuing interests that are not related to transition.
I've also forgotten much of what gender dysphoria was all about. And from time to time I find myself wondering why transitioning was so important. Fortunately, I kept a long-winded daily transition journal which I can go back and read to refresh my memory. It's easy to lose track of where I came from -- the fears, the anguish, the indecision, the doubts, the pain, the ... My lord, what a harrowing journey! It's a testament to the intensity of our transgender/transsexual identities that we are willing to undertake this incredibly odyssey.
Quote from: Clara Kay on April 13, 2017, 08:57:11 PM
I made that a milestone to mark the end of my own transition. I guess I'm there. I tell other girls to get used to the idea that at some point the sense of being transgender becomes less and less of a preoccupation. .........................
.................. Sometimes when I recall those heady days of my early transition, I feel a sense of loss now being just an "ordinary" woman. On the other hand, it's nice to get back to pursuing interests that are not related to transition.
I've also forgotten much of what gender dysphoria was all about. ....
Someone asked me what was in my future as I saw it and what you have described is exactly where I want to get...I am so glad you got there because it gives me hope that I will one dayu get to where you are and be able to "normalise" my life again.
Liz
Quote from: Clara Kay on April 13, 2017, 08:57:11 PMI'm 3 months further along since I last commented on this thread. I've been living "stealth" away from my permanent residence for the past 6 months. When I say stealth, I simply mean that I don't volunteer information about my medical past to people I meet.
I would call this "practicing non-disclosure," though some might say it's "just living a woman's life."
There's no hiding involved, just being yourself.
QuoteSometimes when I recall those heady days of my early transition, I feel a sense of loss now being just an "ordinary" woman. On the other hand, it's nice to get back to pursuing interests that are not related to transition.
I've also forgotten much of what gender dysphoria was all about. And from time to time I find myself wondering why transitioning was so important. Fortunately, I kept a long-winded daily transition journal which I can go back and read to refresh my memory. It's easy to lose track of where I came from -- the fears, the anguish, the indecision, the doubts, the pain, the ... My lord, what a harrowing journey! It's a testament to the intensity of our transgender/transsexual identities that we are willing to undertake this incredibly odyssey.
Every day is a bonus day now.
There's no need to "be special" if you've always wanted female gendering and now you're getting it.
Now the transsexing begins. Spend time with other people who don't know your story, away from the context of your partner. Make friends. Develop these relationships, because it's in this crucible that the rest of your female enculturation will take place.
Sophia,
Hi, could you expand on that last paragraph a bit, please. Thanks!
Moni
Quote from: Sophia Sage on April 18, 2017, 09:55:50 AMNow the transsexing begins. Spend time with other people who don't know your story, away from the context of your partner. Make friends. Develop these relationships, because it's in this crucible that the rest of your female enculturation will take place.
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 18, 2017, 09:37:14 PM
Sophia,
Hi, could you expand on that last paragraph a bit, please. Thanks!
Moni
While our partners can be incredibly supportive... simply by virtue of having established a pattern of relating to us with different social expectations prior to transition, such patterns are usually subconsciously manifested afterwards. So you're not going to be learning what's really expected of you
as any other woman in such contexts. Just the presence of a partner can change how other people perceive us and interact with us, let alone a partner in the know. Now, sure, sometimes that partner is impeccable and can actually help a situation, but even so, you're still only getting experiences within a narrow context, and not really a fully lesbian context either -- as with any enculturation, it takes a long time for sub-cultural norms and knowledge and social expectations to become fully ingrained.
So get out into the world, without a trans narrative, develop relationships (be it personal friendships or professional working relationships) and adapt. I think it takes a good couple years at least for everything to really sink in.
And, of course, gender norms vary from place to place. What's expected of me in the rural south is not the same as in a cosmopolitan city up north, and the Midwest is likewise different from the coasts, and the U.S is different from, say, Italy... or Africa. So this isn't stuff that can be gleaned from reading books and hearing stories, it's something that has to be directly experienced over time.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on April 20, 2017, 01:05:24 PM
So get out into the world, without a trans narrative, develop relationships (be it personal friendships or professional working relationships) and adapt. I think it takes a good couple years at least for everything to really sink in.
I agree wholeheartedly, Sophia. For me, the ultimate goal is to be a woman without the 'trans' adjective attached. It's a process that I call socialization, or social integration, and the last stage of my transition. It's often the most difficult phase to accomplish.
BTW, don't you just hate seeing 'transwoman' in print, instead of 'trans woman'? >:(
Quote from: Clara Kay on April 20, 2017, 02:36:02 PMI agree wholeheartedly, Sophia. For me, the ultimate goal is to be a woman without the 'trans' adjective attached. It's a process that I call socialization, or social integration, and the last stage of my transition. It's often the most difficult phase to accomplish.
Yeah, and it just takes time. Time to pick up all the subconscious cues, and time to shed the ones we never should have picked up in the first place. I still, nearly twenty years later, on occasion discover some habit or tic of mine that needs correction.
However, transsexing encompasses more than socialization, even though it hinges on socialization. After so much time in non-disclosure contexts, just living my life, I've found that my very memories have changed. Which isn't just immensely helpful when it comes to those times when I have to tell stories from my past... it kind of goes down to the core of my being.
It's said that the very last person to stop clocking you will be yourself. I think there's much truth to that.
"There was never a gate."
QuoteBTW, don't you just hate seeing 'transwoman' in print, instead of 'trans woman'? >:(
Huh.
I didn't even realize that was a thing that was happening in our language.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on April 20, 2017, 01:05:24 PM
While our partners can be incredibly supportive... simply by virtue of having established a pattern of relating to us with different social expectations prior to transition, such patterns are usually subconsciously manifested afterwards. So you're not going to be learning what's really expected of you as any other woman in such contexts. Just the presence of a partner can change how other people perceive us and interact with us, let alone a partner in the know. Now, sure, sometimes that partner is impeccable and can actually help a situation, but even so, you're still only getting experiences within a narrow context, and not really a fully lesbian context either -- as with any enculturation, it takes a long time for sub-cultural norms and knowledge and social expectations to become fully ingrained.
So get out into the world, without a trans narrative, develop relationships (be it personal friendships or professional working relationships) and adapt. I think it takes a good couple years at least for everything to really sink in.
And, of course, gender norms vary from place to place. What's expected of me in the rural south is not the same as in a cosmopolitan city up north, and the Midwest is likewise different from the coasts, and the U.S is different from, say, Italy... or Africa. So this isn't stuff that can be gleaned from reading books and hearing stories, it's something that has to be directly experienced over time.
I am so caught up in transition related situations right now. It is what I must do with GCS surgery staring me in the face. I love to read the wisdom of you ladies, Sophia and Clara to name a few. It refocuses my attention to the big picture. I have every intention of moving on with my thought processes when I am able to. Never underestimate the value of sharing your thoughts. It is reassuring when I am not at that place yet and the information you give will help to get there. Thank you so much!
Moni
Quote from: Sophia Sage on April 20, 2017, 10:28:44 PM
However, transsexing encompasses more than socialization...
I think I like your term 'transsexing'. I like words to have meaning, and transsexing does remove the ambiguity of 'transitioning'. It's why I prefer 'transsexual' to 'transgender' when describing myself when necessary. I'd like to find a word that captures the state of being comfortable with one's sex whether as it was assigned at birth or reassigned later in life. Many of us do achieve the same sex/gender congruence that cisgender people experience.
Quote from: Clara Kay on April 21, 2017, 10:32:57 AMI think I like your term 'transsexing'. I like words to have meaning, and transsexing does remove the ambiguity of 'transitioning'. It's why I prefer 'transsexual' to 'transgender' when describing myself when necessary. I'd like to find a word that captures the state of being comfortable with one's sex whether as it was assigned at birth or reassigned later in life. Many of us do achieve the same sex/gender congruence that cisgender people experience.
"Transsexing" isn't my word, but a word from a dear friend who was around way back in the day; she'd been living a woman's life for over 20 years when I transitioned. Anyways, to me, "transition" is about the front half of passing -- getting your body and voice right, your documentation right, the therapy and surgeries and so forth. Then, when there's no more ambiguity, it's all about adapting to living with correct gendering now in place. That's transsexing. And, like transition, eventually this too will be over.
Achieving that congruence is, to me, the essence of the cis experience. Might as well claim it.
Quote from: Clara Kay on April 21, 2017, 10:32:57 AM
I think I like your term 'transsexing'.
AFAIK the person who coined that went by a screen name who's initials were KG and had a very loyal following.
She also had a system for defining where someone was in the process of "transsexing". She called them Step Phases and it had level from 0 to 6 ... They were commonly referred to as SP levels
I have a feeling if I posted them here they would be somewhat controversial ... I know I argued about then back in the day! ;)
- Karen
Quote from: Karen_A on April 21, 2017, 06:42:14 PMShe also had a system for defining where someone was in the process of "transsexing". She called them Step Phases and it had level from 0 to 6 ... They were commonly referred to as SP levels
Oh gosh, let's see if I can remember...
The first three were Face, Voice, and Sex. The embodied half of transition, what people directly perceive, and from which the subconscious automatic gender assignment first happens.
The other three were something like Socialization, Narrative, and... Memory (or perhaps Eidos)? The "transsexing" part, which is all about long-term relationship stuff (including friends and coworkers as well as lovers). All of which require the first three steps in order to happen.
Quote from: gv2002 on March 24, 2017, 10:55:12 AM
I'm very proud of you transition! Wish I would of done something 40 years ago. Life's been a living hell!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Don't give up. I did and I regret it.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Steph Eigen on March 22, 2017, 05:55:01 PM
For those who are out many years from the initial phase of transition and surgeries, having lived and benefited for years or even decades by congruent gender, how does it feel to have life evolve into older age? The emphasis on secondary sexual characteristics must wane, the eye must turn more inward to some extent.
In the heat of the moment at younger age, tortured by dysphoria, I wonder if we lose larger perspective on the internal milieu that comes in the longer term life as a woman.
Steph
I think this is a great question and an excellent observation. In my case, I am 47 years post-op. That is a pretty o Nguyen time and so memories are dim am patchy. I do remember the desperation and the pain. In those days There really was no quidance or counseling or little more than finding the right surgeon, convincing him you were a good candidate that would benefit from the surgery and having the money to pay for it.
Strange as it might appear to you, the question of gender never came up. The thought of anything even approaching an "internal milieu" certainly never occurred to me.
It was all about changing my sex so l could have a normal life.
Almost half a century later since that incredibly crazy painful time, life is still wonderful. At age 71+, life is much different than when l was 23. I am 18 years into my fourth marriage to a super wonderful man and we are deeply and romantically in love. So yes. Life can be good and dreams do come true. You have only to reach out, step up and make them happen.
It's been two years since I started this thread so I thought it might be helpful to give an update. Things do change as time goes on, and not always the way you'd expect.
My transition used to occupy every waking hour of my day. It was the very first thing on my mind on waking each morning, and the last thing as I drifted off to sleep at night. It was both a scary and joyous time of life. I loved knowing that I was finally free to be myself. I enjoyed feminine expression, and I was eager to transform my body to the female form. I had no doubts about the course I was taking.
Those early days were exciting and fulfilling. My social life blossomed as I got involved with the transgender community here in Chicago. My wife supported and accepted me. I reveled in a second puberty, feeling like I was a young girl totally at odds with my actual age.
I detached from my former gendered life. I changed my name on every source of mail, threw out or gave away my male clothes, began to celebrate my re-birthday, and refused to show people photos of the person who was quickly becoming a stranger to me.
I physically transitioned as fast as I could; facial hair removal Oct '14, FFS April '15, GRS Nov '15, and BA Nov '16. I drew on my retirement nest egg to pay for everything. Never once did I question whether the cost was worth it.
As I said, things change. Eventually, the euphoria that replaced the dysphoria began to subside. The focus of my life started to shift to things that had nothing to do with gender identity. My choices of clothing became more typical of other women. Makeup was taking 5 minutes to apply instead of 30. I stopped going to every trans support group meeting, and dropped out of one. I was settling into a new routine that was becoming increasingly comfortable and mundane.
I have a closet full of dresses and high heels that I haven't worn in more than a year. The core of who I've always been was reemerging from under a veil of uber femininity that I had wrapped around myself after years of being forced to fake a gender that never suited me.
We call transition a journey, and indeed it is. I've moved away from the trans community. The trans conferences, trans events, parades, etc. that I was once so enthralled with, seem out of place and irrelevant in my life today. I feel bad about it, in a way, but I realize that it was just a passing phase of my transition as transsexual woman.
Today, I live half the year in another state where there are no LGBT clubs, support groups, or other transgender people that I'm aware of. I live with my female partner in non-disclosure of my gender past. My friends there are cisgender people who seem perfectly comfortable with our same-sex relationship at social gatherings. Straight men don't shy away like they do where my past is open knowledge. It feels nice.
I've selectively preserved the parts of my past life that were real and meaningful while discarding those which were nothing more than male posturing. Lying by omission some would call it, but I see it as merely reinterpreting my past life in view of my true gender identity. For example, saying I was the only woman in my engineering class at college was true. I may have been gendered as a man, but I was always a woman in truth. I was the 'boy' my father always wanted in a family of girls. I made the best of it, and learned to do things that few girls have the chance to learn.
Amazingly, my life today is not much different than it was before. I changed my sex, I'm seen and treated as a woman, but I'm still me; just a prettier, weaker me who smiles when she sees herself in the mirror. I still do many of the things I did as husband. Except for sex, that is. I was never good at that anyway. The people that rejected me when I came out are forgotten. I don't feel the need to justify my decision to correct the course of my life. My only regret is that it took this long to find my place, but it's a regret I no longer dwell on. I've reached the end of my journey.
I realize how lucky I've been. Gender transition is hard, especially for those of us who transition late in life. I was lucky to have been able to afford the surgeries. I was lucky to find enough femininity beneath that testosterone-induced mask that misgendered me in the eyes of others and set for me a standard of behavior that I could never live up to.
The transphobes will continue to insist that I'm a man biologically and will always be a man, but it doesn't matter what they think. Fortunately, most of the people who knew me before are civil and respectful of my choice. I don't expect them to see me as a natal woman, because I'm not. But I am a woman, and am female in every way that matters. To have reached this point is, for me, the ultimate achievement as a transsexual woman. I'm going to make the best of it in the years that remain. I wish the same for each of you.
Thank you for touching base. That was really nice to read. <3
Thank you Clara Kay for that uplifting and honest appraisal of where you are at. I so enjoyed reading your post and I was smiling and nodding all the way through. I hear a level of satisfaction that is heartening for those of use still on this journey. Sometimes I crave some semblance of the mundane back in my life as it feels a bit "overheated" at times.
Take care
Liz
Clara,
After a long journey, I am headed in a similar direction, but like you said, ('almost.') Thank you very much for this vision into a possible future. Thank you for sharing your reality. I'm happy that you got there and hope you enjoy it for a long, long time.
Moni
Oh, and keep checking back when you feel it. It helps for folks on here to see how the process can play out. Hugs's
Gosh. How things change as life goes on after transitioning. There's not a lot of feedback from those who are long past transition. That's too bad because those of us who go through gender transition will eventually settle into a new life as a woman (or man as the case may be). What will that life be like? The focus in the early stages of transition are so near-term focused it's unlikely to occupy our thoughts.
It's now more than five years since the start of my transition and more than 3 years since GRS. When I look back at my transition log entries and the photographs taken along the way, I'm amazed at how single minded and determined I was to navigate this journey, overcoming hurdle after hurdle to achieve my goal. Now that I've settled into a much more stable state of being, am now comfortable in my own skin, it's hard to understand how I did it. The idea of traveling to Spain for facial surgery or Thailand for genital reconstruction would never happen in my current state of mind. I can come up with no other explanation better than the difference between suffering gender dysphoria and not suffering it.
I have to admit that life today is not how I imagined it would be. For one thing I thought that I would feel different about my gender. What I mean is that I would feel the way other women feel about their gender, that I would feel like a woman in a more clear and intense way. In fact, I simply feel like myself stripped of the requirement to project as a man in a world that has certain expectations of men. Then again, I was never a man in my soul, so why should I sense a significant change?
I have constructed a new life that does not include disclosing my medical transition. I've let go of those hyper-feminine ways that characterized my early transition days. The exaggerated effects of hormone therapy have tapered off. I've settled into a daily routine which is efficient and practical in the way I dress, apply makeup, fix my hair, etc. I interact with people with a freedom of expression that flows easily and comfortably. I don't feel a strong need to fit a particular template of appearance or behavior. I do still strive for a more feminine voice and way of talking, however. I want people to gender me correctly.
I'm not afraid to be authentic in choosing friends, engaging socially, and pursuing my interests. I have no idea if people know or suspect that I'm trans, and I really don't much care anymore. I refuse to let that aspect of my life define me, or let it interfere with the future course of my life. To be brutally honest, I spend almost no time anymore engaged in trans related activities. What used to be totally engrossing has become inconsequential from a personal perspective. I have to make a point of staying connected with the trans community, or I'm sure that world would become as distant to me as it is for the cisgender population.
The one major difference I've noticed, the appreciation of which has not faded, is the transformation of my physical body from male to female. I'm struck by how important that change has been in making me a happy, stable individual; much more than the behavioral changes and social gender transformation that I've experienced. I may look, act, and sound for the most part like a woman, but I'm definitely not like most women. My interests still lean more masculine than feminine. I've tried to develop more stereotypically feminine interests, but realized I was forcing the issue. It was not much different than trying to be more stereotypically masculine. It's easier to just be myself, and much more satisfying. My education and engineering background set me apart from most of the women in my life, and yet I have no problem relating to other women, and actually prefer the company of women to that of most men.
Of course, my post-transition experience is unique to me. It turned out well for the most part, but I know that turbulence and hard landings are common, as well. I think it would be helpful for other long-timers to share their longer term post-transition experiences. After all, it's where and how we all will be spending the balance of our post-transition lives.
Quote from: Miss Clara on December 24, 2018, 03:17:17 PM
It's now more than five years since the start of my transition and more than 3 years since GRS.
For me SRS was over 20 years ago so i guess I qualify as a long timer now.
Quote
The one major difference I've noticed, the appreciation of which has not faded, is the transformation of my physical body from male to female. I'm struck by how important that change has been in making me a happy, stable individual;
That is the area that never really worked out for me... I have a big male frame (skeleton) and my HRT response (despite trying a number of different things/dosages over a lot of years) was minimal so my shape/proportions are too far from the female norms for this T* aware age.
I had very little breast growth on a big rib cage... Implants helped but back in my day only saline implants were legal in the US. They feel fake and don't move right so have always helped to serve as a reminder of how my body did not co-operate.
FFS helped things (the works with Dr. O about 19 years ago) and is a big reason I pass most of the time.
All that, along transitioning in place and staying in the same area (jobs after transition always had people from jobs before transition eventually work there too), as well as staying married from before, has made it difficult to really fully integrate socially as a woman.
How things turned out are not what I always dreamed of.
But all that said, overall I am in a better place than I was 'before' and that is what matters most.
- Karen
I remember back when I was trying to live up to the expectation of manhood, and was so frustrated that my shoulders were rather narrow, I wasn't very tall, and my rib cage was only 36 inches around. Now I'm thankful for those physical characteristics. Skeletal features are the one thing we are stuck with once formed other than some facial bone re-sculpturing. Considering how extremely late I transitioned, it's amazing how well things worked out for me.
https://unsee.cc/a24f91dd/ (https://unsee.cc/a24f91dd/)
Quote from: Miss Clara on December 24, 2018, 07:40:40 PM
I remember back when I was trying to live up to the expectation of manhood, and was so frustrated that my shoulders were rather narrow, I wasn't very tall, and my rib cage was only 36 inches around.
I can tell you broad shoulders and a 42" ribcage are certainly not optimal for transition as well as starting out at 6ft! ;)
I started the transition process at 39 and am now in my 60's. A long strange trip it's been!
- karen
I feel for you, Karen.
Quote from: Miss Clara on December 24, 2018, 07:40:40 PM
I remember back when I was trying to live up to the expectation of manhood, and was so frustrated that my shoulders were rather narrow, I wasn't very tall, and my rib cage was only 36 inches around. Now I'm thankful for those physical characteristics. Skeletal features are the one thing we are stuck with once formed other than some facial bone re-sculpturing. Considering how extremely late I transitioned, it's amazing how well things worked out for me.
https://unsee.cc/a24f91dd/ (https://unsee.cc/a24f91dd/)
You look amazing!
Hi Clara, I do certainly relate to what you mentioned.
Its pretty tiring to emulate what a proper female should be, I tried huge part of my life trying to behave and be girlish and feminine. But I realise that it was going beyond the tipping point of being too loud. More than often attract too much attention to myself in a manner that I wish I did not have.
I realise that there are many types or category of women around, there is no definition what behaviour should a female behave. I really do not bother Which spectrum on the scale should I need to be as well.
I realise being yourself is what is most natural. Character of one develop over the years and it defines me. That is different from behaviour I realise. But sometimes both do clash. One case for example, I viewed myself as adventurous exploring countries and cities on my own in the past, but this sort of change as I tend to have more concern and fears going to places which have a higher crime rate.