Anyone here who came from a male/male marriage and transitioned to female? I need advice and perspective.
Ok, so i'm a few sessions in with my counselor and I think I'm ready to accept my psychological sex is female. However, I still haven't managed to talk to my husband about this yet.
He is a wonderful man, he fulfills all of my dreams, and I can't bear the thought of losing him any more than I can bear the thought of going on in this skin. The problem is that he is very binary gay.
He sees my skirts, he sees my makeup, he sees me reading transgender books like Whipping Girl, but we just haven't talked. I'm terrified because he reeeaaally doesn't like women. Not that he hates them or is misogynistic but he's very turned off by them sexually. He's very progressive, and knowledgeable about trans issues but I'm terrified that he will love me, support me, and leave me due to a lack of sexual compatibility if i change physically.
I've always been the 'woman' in our relationship for the most part; I'm the cook, I'm the housekeeper, I'm the bottom, and I've always been open about my femininity to an extent. But I've also had periods of hyper-masculinity that were less than pretty (i filled our safe with thousands of dollars in guns one year, the garage with thousands in tools another, I have a habit of using hyperbolic rage as a rhetorical tool, etc.). I need to talk to other gay men who became the woman they were inside and how that affected their relationship with their man. It's helpful to talk to women who had to break their wife's heart when coming out but women are a different creature than men (as we are all painfully aware) and I worry that the nurturing nature that these wives have doesn't translate to gay men as well as i might hope.
Anybody out there who's been in this boat? i could use a voice in this darkness. Thanks.
Rae, hello and welcome to SP. I had a similar experience, with a twist. I had a BF a LONG time ago, like close to 30 years ago. I cared for him very much, probably loved him more than I cared to admit. Lost contact with him until Christmas time when we re-connected. I told him I was trans and he was not, at all, receptive or accepting. He has plenty of trans friends, he just can't see me as the woman I am. I was in the same boat you: I was the fem one of our relationship as he was always masculine. So in the end I had to let him go. He still talks to me, but no longer interested in me because I'm no longer strictly gay. Shocked to the core, I cried over him a lot the past few months, I've come to accept his decisions. I'm hopeful he can accept me as his friend but I know deep down I'll never be his boyfriend again and that's something that hurts me to this day because I've known him a long time.
I falsely thought he was going to be the one person who would understand and accept me for being true to myself. While I do not think all gay men would react in the same fashion, I was forewarned about this happening. My sister in law said, in her opinion, gay men are among the least accepting people of others unlike them. I've found my ex BF to be rather exclusionary as predicted.
Transitioning bares risk and you have to ask yourself if you're ready to accept those risks as you journey to a new gender identity. I'm sorry I couldn't bring brighter news my friend, however, this particular road is rich with challenges.
Best of luck,
Sophia
Quote from: Rae321 on March 21, 2019, 07:24:22 PM
Anyone here who came from a male/male marriage and transitioned to female? I need advice and perspective.
Ok, so i'm a few sessions in with my counselor and I think I'm ready to accept my psychological sex is female. However, I still haven't managed to talk to my husband about this yet.
He is a wonderful man, he fulfills all of my dreams, and I can't bear the thought of losing him any more than I can bear the thought of going on in this skin. The problem is that he is very binary gay.
He sees my skirts, he sees my makeup, he sees me reading transgender books like Whipping Girl, but we just haven't talked. I'm terrified because he reeeaaally doesn't like women. Not that he hates them or is misogynistic but he's very turned off by them sexually. He's very progressive, and knowledgeable about trans issues but I'm terrified that he will love me, support me, and leave me due to a lack of sexual compatibility if i change physically.
I've always been the 'woman' in our relationship for the most part; I'm the cook, I'm the housekeeper, I'm the bottom, and I've always been open about my femininity to an extent. But I've also had periods of hyper-masculinity that were less than pretty (i filled our safe with thousands of dollars in guns one year, the garage with thousands in tools another, I have a habit of using hyperbolic rage as a rhetorical tool, etc.). I need to talk to other gay men who became the woman they were inside and how that affected their relationship with their man. It's helpful to talk to women who had to break their wife's heart when coming out but women are a different creature than men (as we are all painfully aware) and I worry that the nurturing nature that these wives have doesn't translate to gay men as well as i might hope.
Anybody out there who's been in this boat? i could use a voice in this darkness. Thanks.
I don't come from a gay marriage, but my wife is also very binary/straight - we are trying to stay friends, and she is very marginally open to her feelings changing. What I wish I had done differently is telling her in couples counseling. I think it would have saved us both considerable anguish and helped the grieving process. I would be more patient with her timeline for understanding. For some one very clear on their gender identity and sexual orientation our confusion might be very hard to be patient with or comprehend. Certainly she has not been able to grasp my pain, and cannot see how transition is accepting who I am, not staying male. Even after 6 months she still thinks it's crazy.
I really feel for your situation and hope you both navigate it with all the grace and love you can,
Love,
Jael
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Jeal - do you mean you wish you would have gone to couples counseling and used that setting as the place to come out? I've thought about how to come out to him mechanically speaking and that's as terrifying to think about as anything else in this process.
Quote from: Rae321 on March 22, 2019, 12:42:37 PM
Jeal - do you mean you wish you would have gone to couples counseling and used that setting as the place to come out? I've thought about how to come out to him mechanically speaking and that's as terrifying to think about as anything else in this process.
Yes, exactly. You could go to a couples counselor who is well versed with transgender issues and perhaps they can act as a guide/intermediary and give you suggestions about how to approach it, then you could meet together with your husband. It is an easy situation for both of you to get emotionally reactive quickly, and the counselors job is to keep communication fair and appropriate.
Another alternative is, make sure you line up a counselor (and appointment) first, and then you can use them to assist with the fallout.
I see with my own wife how torn she is; she feels betrayed, she is grieving because she feels like I died, and yet she also has all those years (15) with me and is not wanting to let go. Also, the kids want us to stay together, or at least get along, so she feels compelled to not just show me the door (honestly, that might have been her immediate reaction without the kids) I was so enmeshed in my own process of coming to accept being transgender I really did not think about how it would affect her.
She is an Alpha female, super straight, so I think this challenges her self identity in a really hard way. She's always been so supportive I did not see it coming, but now, it seems glaringly obvious! Ah, hindsight!
That sounds like good advice. I'll have to look into what options are in my area. Thank you for both for your feedback. It does help.