When did you know you were trans, and knew you needed to do something about it? I know most of us have said at one point or another that we "knew" that our gender didn't match our bodies. My question is, when? What happened that made you realize your gender didn't match your body?
I never had much of a problem with my body until puberty hit and my body began to change, when I was about 10 or 12. For some reason one night, I was reading one of my mother's magazines. There was a small snippet about how, when girls reach puberty and learn about their sexuality, they squeeze their thighs together and rub against a pillow. Well, that sounded right for me, so I tried it. Well, what happened really wasn't good, and it isn't what happens to girls, and I freaked out. That's when I knew something was wrong.
When did you know?
Jenn
It started out as me just realizing that I didn't fit in with other guys. When I was really young, like 5 or 6, and my cousin (male) would come over, he and my brother would always get along great. But I never seemed to fit in and always ended up trying to find somewhere to hide and cry, at which point my other older cousin (female) would come and talk to me...which comforted me a lot. I never knew exactly why I didn't fit in. As I grew up I started to play more with the boys but always seemed to be the odd one out. I pretty much followed my brother around my whole life, just joining his group of friends.
My brother is a year older than me so there were the years where he would jump up to a different school and I would be stuck in the current school. Every time that happened I ended up joining a group of girls and hanging out with them. I actually didn't even remember this until just now. Same thing happened when he went off to high school and I was in my last year of middle school. I ended up joining a group of girls. When I started at the same school again I would immediately join my brother's group again just so I wasn't teased.
Throughout this whole time since about 6 or so, I was dressing up when I was home alone. I felt comfortable, but hated myself for doing it since I thought I was some sort of freak of nature. I would constantly be left sobbing and yelling at myself about how stupid I am and hating myself for doing this. I would occasionally purge everything and stop for a while. I think the longest I went in that whole time was 6-8 months before I would start up again. From what I remember I didn't "know" at puberty or anything like that. I pretty much became really good at lying to myself and trying to fill the "male" role. It wasn't until the age of 19 or 20 that I finally found others online that were like me and I could finally feel normal, I wasn't the only one. Pretty quickly I knew what I had to do, but I was scared and kept going back and forth for the next year and half about whether I should transition or not. Finally I got my head on straight and went for it. I couldn't be happier.
- Sarah
I really knew about... man, 3 or 4 months ago. Before I kept questioning it, questioning myself. Thought I was a lesbian or something. Or that I was just weird. When I was younger I really didn't feel like a girl, but I didn't really think about the possibilty of being a boy. In my preteens, I would pose as a boy online and stuff... I liked trying to look more like a boy. I'd pack once in a while but because I didn't know how it wouldn't work well so I stopped.
When did I know my gender didn't match my body? Probably around... 5 or 6? But I didn't know that people could be trans. I didn't know that I could be a boy on the inside. I just knew I wasn't a girl. I was quite androgynous as a little kid. I guess what made me realize would be a number of things... first I didn't ever identify with my genitals. When I was molested as a little kid I didn't take it very hard because I completely disassociated from my body. Because of this, I have a great deal of amnesia from around that time of my life. It really hit me when I had the first period. "Blood? This is WRONG." Not just wrong as in wrong for a girl, but especially wrong for me. I knew girls did this. My mom told me ahead of time. But I didn't think it was me.
Quote from: SarahR on August 21, 2008, 05:29:40 PM
Throughout this whole time since about 6 or so, I was dressing up when I was home alone. I felt comfortable, but hated myself for doing it since I thought I was some sort of freak of nature. I would constantly be left sobbing and yelling at myself about how stupid I am and hating myself for doing this. I would occasionally purge everything and stop for a while.
Sarah, I went through the same thing and dressed when no one was home when I was little too. Puberty is the only time I remember knowing something was wrong; I don't recall much of my childhood, but I know it was an ok childhood, I just don't remember it. I think most of us became good at lying to ourselves at one time or another. Either I lied to myself too, or Mother blocked it out, I'm not sure. What's important, is that we weren't freaks or stupid - we were just trying to be ourselves - we are beautiful women, Sarah, and we must never forget that. :icon_hug:
Quote from: Elwood on August 21, 2008, 05:40:37 PM
I would pose as a boy online and stuff...
I was a girl online when I played video games, can't really say I "posed" more than I was being myself in a relatively safe environment.
Jenn
Quote from: fae_reborn on August 21, 2008, 05:43:08 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 21, 2008, 05:40:37 PMI would pose as a boy online and stuff...
I was a girl online when I played video games, can't really say I "posed" more than I was being myself in a relatively safe environment.
Jenn
I didn't know that I was being myself. I thought I was living a lie. Now after all this time I understand...
What did I know and when did I know it? TBH, I knew I was female around age 4, although as best I can recall I simply said "I should be like," or "why am I not like" in this case Cheryl my best buddy back then.
TBH yet again, from 4-10 I was verbal about that with Mom. At ten or so I got verbal with Dad and he beat-it-out-of me.
When puberty started I was hopeful I had been right and I was gonna change into a girl. Then the swelling breasts receded and that over-large clitoris was still there, alone.
When I was 19 I was dressing parttime as I no longer lived at home and pretty much being seen as female most of the time. Then the little trauma happened and until internet and myfirst computer was basically ignorant of everything. Takes your pick as to when, Jenn.
Maybe 24 or 25 whenever I first saw Renee Richards at a Martina Navratilova tennis match on TV.
Nichole
I didn't know anything was wrong until I was 8. Up to that time I thought I was just a normal girl - I played with other girls, thought boys were icky, and I was quite happy. At age 8, one of my cousins said I should have been a girl - I said I was - he said "No you're not, not really." That really shook me up but I figured everything would be ok at puberty. Puberty was even more confusing because I had some masculine development (which drove me nuts) and some female development (which I loved) - that's when I knew I had a REAL problem and things weren't going to work out. I didn't know what a "transsexual" was until Benjamin's book came out in 1966 or 67 and it was another 7 years before surgery became available.
Quote from: fae_reborn on August 21, 2008, 05:43:08 PM
Either I lied to myself too, or Mother blocked it out, I'm not sure.
The funny thing is that I never had parents who suspected anything. And they never made me wear guys clothes or be more manly or anything. However, I never tried being anything other than a guy since I realized early on, I would say probably around 5 or 6 as well, that it wasn't ok in society's eyes to be girly or anything...a majority of this thinking was caused by ridicule by my big brother. I was always shy and introverted and this fed into my inability to let myself go and experiment with more androgynous and/or feminine look or personality while growing up. I basically just tried to be as in the shadows as I could. It wasn't until college when I decided to say screw it all and start to come out of my shell.
I knew I was a girl very early in life when I was three or four, but of course then, I didn't have the capacity to express it, just as a toddler doesn't know how to tell when she is hungry or thirsty, I didn't have the words either. It took time to know what it really was and accept it, and years to finish the job nature didn't!
tink :icon_chick:
I guess I really knew when I saw Christine Jorgensen On Phil Donahue. Up until then I thought I was just a freak. And after that I read, yes read you did that before the internet, anything and everything that I could find. All of the stories rang true with me and I knew that I had to do something. I read about a clinic down in SF. I went there for the surgery and was promptly turned down. I was devastated. But I knew who I was now.
When I moved to Oregon, I began my quest again. Eventually finding a therapist, but she was trying to push me into full time. It took another 25 years to finally getting to be me.
Sorry it was long.
Janet
My earliest recollection was when I was 4, and I saw a naked boy, and realized I didn't have a penis. I cried! I remember throughout childhood praying I'd wake up a boy, but it never happened. I didn't realize that what was 'wrong with me' and that I was trans until barely 5 months ago. Transsexuality was the furthest thing from my mind; I just thought I was very strange.
Jay
I've realized I'm trans on three separate occasions. In between each time I repressed the truth so completely that the next time I realized I was trans it was as if it were the first time. The first time I was about ten or so. I had spent most of childhood up until then playing with other girls and doing girl things. I never thought much of it until one day when I was playing with some of my friends. We had made up a game based on a book series, and in that series that was one female character I was in love with. She was brave, witty, beautiful, and completely awesome. I wished I was her, so naturally when my friends and I were playing I requested to be her. The answer I got was "....but you're a boy. You can't be Rachel." I was hurt, because I had never thought of myself as a boy. I didn't see much of a problem, but they did. Some time after that, I was laying in bed thinking and realized that they were wrong, I really was a girl, I just didn't look like one. From there I praying to one day wake up with the right body.
Fast forward to middle school and junior high, those wonderful gatherings of hormonal, insecure youth. I was the one who was different. I acted liked a girl where everyone believe I should act like a manly man. Following abuse by my peers, I began to think of myself as a freak and convinced myself that I really was a boy. After several years of believing that lie and continued abuse, I came up my very freaked out and disgusted mother watching Dr. Phil, who was interviewing a transsexual woman. Right when I heard what she was, I knew what I was again. My mom saw me and nearly shouted "please don't tell me you're like that!" And of course with that warm invitation I didn't.
Several months of bullying later, I had once again repressed the knowledge of my status and deep in the depths of depression. Slowly I came out of it as time went on. I even managed to get into a great relationship. That failed, and I was devastated. A memory of how I had crossed dressed when I was younger to feel better came up, and so I started dressing for several months. I found this site because I felt like I was freak and wanted support. It wasn't long after finding this site and relearning about transsexualism that I realized for the third time what I was. This time, though, I've said 'screw it' and decided to transition rather than repress everything.
Quote from: NatalieW on August 21, 2008, 08:36:08 PM
I've realized I'm trans on three separate occasions. In between each time I repressed the truth so completely that the next time I realized I was trans it was as if it were the first time. The first time I was about ten or so. I had spent most of childhood up until then playing with other girls and doing girl things. I never thought much of it until one day when I was playing with some of my friends. We had made up a game based on a book series, and in that series that was one female character I was in love with. She was brave, witty, beautiful, and completely awesome. I wished I was her, so naturally when my friends and I were playing I requested to be her. The answer I got was "....but you're a boy. You can't be Rachel." I was hurt, because I had never thought of myself as a boy. I didn't see much of a problem, but they did. Some time after that, I was laying in bed thinking and realized that they were wrong, I really was a girl, I just didn't look like one. From there I praying to one day wake up with the right body.
Fast forward to middle school and junior high, those wonderful gatherings of hormonal, insecure youth. I was the one who was different. I acted liked a girl where everyone believe I should act like a manly man. Following abuse by my peers, I began to think of myself as a freak and convinced myself that I really was a boy. After several years of believing that lie and continued abuse, I came up my very freaked out and disgusted mother watching Dr. Phil, who was interviewing a transsexual woman. Right when I heard what she was, I knew what I was again. My mom saw me and nearly shouted "please don't tell me you're like that!" And of course with that warm invitation I didn't.
Several months of bullying later, I had once again repressed the knowledge of my status and deep in the depths of depression. Slowly I came out of it as time went on. I even managed to get into a great relationship. That failed, and I was devastated. A memory of how I had crossed dressed when I was younger to feel better came up, and so I started dressing for several months. I found this site because I felt like I was freak and wanted support. It wasn't long after finding this site and relearning about transsexualism that I realized for the third time what I was. This time, though, I've said 'screw it' and decided to transition rather than repress everything.
O' Natalie, I'm glad you've decided not to repress who you really are, that's perhaps the first step towards becoming the beautiful woman you are. :)
As for praying for the right body, that seems like a common theme among women like us. I did the same thing, I prayed as hard as I could every night when I was little, and also wished on the brightest star in the sky, and I don't think it was the same star from night to night. "Star light, star bright..."
Jenn
For me, also, there have been a number of moments when I knew, but then buried it. And then one big moment when I really knew deep inside, once and for all.
I'm older than some here, and I didn't have the information that's available now. I knew I wasn't a boy like boys around me were boys. But I also knew that I wasn't homosexual, because I never had the slightest desire to do anything with males. (But I'm gay now! Ha!)
I remember finding an article about Christine Jorgensen and being fascinated with it. Also, I knew about Renee Richards. But I also knew that the media reported on them with sort of a wink and a smirk. I knew for certain that I didn't want to be a punchline.
Around the same time, I saw an ad for Michael Salem's in the back pages of Penthouse magazine, which showed a drawing of a rather feminine looking boy with a dream bubble over his head which formed itself into a beautiful woman. I remember thinking, "that's me." But again, I didn't want to be a man in a dress, I wanted to BE A WOMAN, and I didn't honestly believe that was possible.
When I got a little older I discovered that I couldn't function sexually at all unless I thought of myself as female. I thought I was hiding it so well, until my fiancee looked at me one night and said, very simply, "you're a woman's mind in a man's body" and proceeded to start calling me "my girl" in bed.
But despite all that, I was fighting it. The one night in the early 90's, I had the tv on to some cable station and they were profiling this person who was genetically male, and had been a hockey player, and all the overcompensatory stuff we do, but had finally decided to live as woman. This person hadn't had surgery or hormones or anything. But then they showed her in line skating, just silhouetted against the sky at the top of a hill, and something about the way she moved so gracefully, side to side, with her center of balance in her hips, it was like I was struck by lightning. That's when i KNEW, the moment when there was no more denying it, no more struggle, I KNEW that was me I was seeing.
And as I was having this incredible rush of feelings and emotions and deep down recognition, my wife (yes, the same one I mentioned, she married me even knowing me better than I knew myself) and son are wandering through the room and I'm trying to be like, oh, it's just some show, pretty interesting. But that was it, from then on I knew beyond the slightest shadow of a doubt that not only did I feel woman-ness in every bone and fibre, I believed for the first time in my life that maybe this is something i could actually do.
Sorry, Jenn, I hadn't meant to write a book, here. But that was my moment. I'll never forget it.
Stealth
PS--it WAS possible! I DID do it! Ha!
My counselor said that I was the most conservative client she has had to date.
What was the turning point for me was when I had a chance to live as me for a few days. During those few days, I found an inner peace and harmony I never before knew was missing. There was an inner resonance that spoke directly to my soul.
That was when I understood who I was and stopped denying it. That was when I knew I would transition.
Chaunte
Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 21, 2008, 09:29:33 PM
Sorry, Jenn, I hadn't meant to write a book, here. But that was my moment. I'll never forget it.
O, not to worry sweetie. It's quite alright. ;)
Jenn
I did not know the Clinical name for what I felt until I was about 20 and was one day sitting around watching TV and saw a talk show of all things about a few Trans. I was floored and called my best friend with the biggest sigh of relief that I think I could ever experience. Before that time I just felt like a tomboy gone wrong in a sense because I knew how felt, but growing up in a world with not much internet or information on the internet, it was hard to understand what I was going through. (Plus I was too poor to buy a computer so my access was limited and even more so if I wanted any private time to look into it).
Before the clinical part of it... I would say it was obvious to my whole family when I was about 4 and woke up at Christmas and loved about half my things (cause well, I was getting some bot things that early) but I got my first doll. I looked at it, picked it up, took it to my room and put it in the trashcan. From that point on my parents never got me anything girly and after I had a say in my clothing it always came from the boys/mens dept. unless they were buying church clothes for me...then I had no say at all. I also remember when I hit puberty I was very very sad and tried to hide the lumps on my chest and refused to wear or even own a bra for a long time...I also stuffed my pants pretty often and day dreamed I was a normal boy.
I read a story of a girl, her life account. I finally made the connection between the hurt I had long acknowledge and a few other bits an pieces with being, literally, girl inside. Strange revelation that. Heh, that Girl gets a hug from me at some point in time.
Deep down, I always knew.
The first time the difference between girls and boys was explained (mostly clothing-wise) I knew something was wrong. I did not speak up though. I steered clear of any situation where I could try on clothes, most thought I did this because I was a guy, but the truth was that I was afraid knew I would like it too much. Like others I learned really fast being girly was not accepted, not just from the boys at school but also from my dad. I did end up wearing girls clothes a few times and it really was comforting once I got over the fear, but I still got out of them as soon as possible. Over the years there were a few time I was sure I was trans, but I would never admit it, if I did it was a passing thing, like "yeah probably". I looked into all sorts of alternatives in order to avoid admitting what I was (lets just say I know about a lot of alternative lifestyles).
About 12 months ago I knew I had to do something, things were okay in my life, but I wasn't okay. I has a hair away from admitting it to myself when I found out about androgynes. That seemed to fit for a while, and my life calmed down, of course we all know it only comes back stronger than before.
It is amazing how much we can hide from ourselves even when staring right at it. I would watch shows about it, and completely relate to them and I always figured I would probably transition later in life, like it was something some people just do. Yet, I still refused to admit it.
Right when puberty started, my Gender problems did. Ideas of being a girl leaked into my head. I'd dream of swapping bodies with a girl, and it would excite me until I realized it was impossible for me. I started fantasizing, and getting off on just being turned into one, and I'd tell myself it would be for, "Just a day," so I could experience what it felt like and never do it again. I maybe thought that by getting it out of my system like that, I'd go away or I'd not care... But deep down I knew I was only lowering my offer to whatever I wished about. I figured that staying up wishing I would wake up as a girl had to take sacrifices. Never happened. When you wish upon a star, that comet will only cause bad things... Like EXTINCTION.
So I gave up on being transformed magically and I turned it into a venting fantasy that pretty soon had taken over my entire sexuality. It was so necessary to me for feeling like a boy during the day, due to turning into a girl in my head by night. I was a weirdo, but I was a totally masculine persona during the day. It only got worse and worse until one year, my disconnection got so bad it made me existentially screwed up and that it only eclipsed by NEED to be a girl. I had lowered the bar and said that I'd never once have sex if I could be a girl when I woke up. Part of me said that I could get my career done and awesome, and then get a full body transplant when I got older. It would be much less depressing to go to some manga where a character was erotically turned into a girl, than the one sight I would peek at once in a while about getting a sex change. Back then, all I knew about SRS was what I had seen in the movie Normal when they described it, and before that, just terrible stories from forensic shows I was addicted to, or trans people taking hormones from their farm animal supplies and all of this nasty stuff. I thought that transsexuals had scarred bodies made of plastic, and always had breasts that would melt in the sun. I didn't want to feel like I was desecrating my bodys little health by shoving things in it, or doing totally artificial things to it. I was ignorant of hormones, cause I was afraid and totally unaware that they affected people the way they do. So the ignorance continued until my bits and pieces became more and more. I surfed 7chan one day and saw some trans girls who were prettier than some GGs I'd known personally, and I had reached a point where I had lost my virginity as a guy, and hated it in the end. I realized how I liked girls, but couldn't do the role, and felt that my penis was alien to me my entire life. My breasts are all me. They anchor me to my life. My penis is just a piece of flesh... And it always has been. I HATE it to an extent sometimes. I'd turn the bathwater on as hot as I could and almost boil my body. Most people contemplate cutting it off, and I was passive aggressive to it.
But anyway. I obsessively researched hormones, and the reality of SRS and transition, and looked in the mirror, stopped being stupid and started thinking that if that trans girl who was pretty was 25 when she started, I, at 18, could do the same in better form. I reasoned that I didn't even care anymore about being a totally pink skinned, perfect, or just normal girl. I realized that if it DID happen through science, I would most likely be too old to get benefits from it. I figured that the one thing TRULY stopping me, which was other people, was a pathetic reason. I started thinking that like... "I may be right about their view of me totally being attached to transsexual, and that it would define me quite a bit, but I really don't care anymore. I want to be an artist, and it is my profession to be a freaky one... Why not just do what would make me feel less terrible?" And so on and so forth. Cyclical denial/purging/dreams that don't come true/sexual frustration in terms of my role/wishing I had just been born a totally female girl/thinking that I'd rather be a "Male trapped in a female body" (but too bad you aren't a male, dumbass) and just be a tomboyish thing who acted however the hell they wanted mannerismwise but was physically totally female. You know... The whatever the hell thought process.
I actually thought the tomboyish ones were prettier, cause thats probably what I am at heart anyway.
So I did phytoestrogens that summer and told my friend that what I had told him once was more hardcore.
Came out to my mom.
Realized the tiny affects from the phytos was a let down, yet made me feel better.
And started seeing my therapist, Dean. Sooner or later... I came in saying that i didn't care if I was a girl or a boy by birth anymore. I said that I didn't care if I got it from comics I read, or ideas "corrupting" my head, I wanted to be a girl animator who redefined the medium and did whatever. I realized I lived inside 24/7 anyway and could do as I pleased and avoid the public. I started researching and desiring more and more until winter came, my mom hadn't helped or supported me like I hoped, and my friend was saying, "I'll go girl clothes shopping with you. I support you!" And stuff after I told him that winter... That the estrogens I took then made me feel okay for the first time ever, and that I couldn't wait to see him again and that I'd order hormones off of websites that T girls elsewhere had gotten success from, even though risky. Then my friend died in a car crash with his sister.... After I celebrated a rebirth to myself and my comics and my friends that new years. January 11th...
The worst part was knowing I'd have a friend taken away from me... I had felt it for a couple of years, but when HE was taken... I was blindsided. I reasoned I would be killed inside if my other friend living with me were taken away, but it was a terrible thing to think, and I had really lost my best friend without knowing :(.
I was out to absolutely no one else, save the girl I leaked stuff to that betrayed me and stopped being my friend.
So my order came in... And I looked long and hard at them thinking about finding out much more what I was maybe. Knowing that a paraphilia would give me a bad reaction mentally, and that if I didn't react badly, I very well might have been meant to be a girl, and that it would make more sense. I had a panic attack on the first dose... But it got better. I became less of the person I wasn't, and shed him into a character, and then my girl started waking up from her coma. She was almost free and was leaking out more. I came out to more and more people I trusted who were weirdos themselves. People like James. One had gender quirks themself, and I knew it kinda before coming out to them. I felt only safe telling THEM at first when totally drunk and at some anime con and alone finally with them. It was a magical time actually... James had been supportive in my planning, and she really took it where he left off and practically adopted me. I felt like crying that night but it was too stunningly amazing to make me sad. The weekend recharged me instead. When more and more about me was becoming feminine, and I was talking to my friend about thinking I finally knew what I was... The third person I told I believe... I was talking about how much my emotions had turned on, and how much I actually liked it. I was talking about love with her and that I finally felt like I could love someone again, and she said, "First you need to be okay with being a girl."
And imagine being shot by a gun through the chest and enjoying it. Like... A pain to you that makes you catatonic with emotions and shock for 10 minutes. Not only was it becoming more real that someone else was saying it, it started to make sense to me more and more. Everything in my past... My relationships, what I liked doing, how I lived, what I did...
... I realized I always WAS a girl. Not just someone who picked up the mannerisms from other girls, but the way I carried myself a friend later told me. People had seen me leaking out more than me. I realized that I was always that way, and very possibly in huge denial for years. It shocked me... Its still hard to believe I wasn't abducted by aliens and brainwashed into wanting to be this or NEEDING it I should say.
The more and more my circle of friends started accepting me and being more informed, the more I felt able to let me out more. So this cycle of them being cool, and me being me more and them being MORE accepting cause of how I act and am is spinning.
So now I am... Living in a whole new place, terrified yet finally feeling like I'm on the right path. Not a fun one, but the one I have to go on.
=_=
...
-Xen
This has always been a hard question for me to answer, cause i knew quite young but cant place when.
It started getting stronger when i was 6, maybe 8?
I tried coming to terms with it at 12. But i couldnt.
Puberty was awkward for me as was primary and most of secondary school. I never really fitted in, i was confused, so i didnt approach alot of people. I've been told even when i was 6 or a little younger. I said to my mum, 'My names not M**** it's Trever' xD
So i was abit of an odd kid any way.
Demanded i wore pants and things. Because i used to cry when i got put in dresses or skirts.
So after the first attempt of trying to come out failed. It got blocked out for another 2 years. Tried coming out then, but shyed away when some one called me a '>-bleeped-< freak' lol. And that was before i said anything to friends. Became ashamed of it and it went away for another year. I had a hard time coming to terms with it being abit...erm. Not in the best emotional state, when it came back stronger than ever i knew i had too. Or i probably wouldnt of lasted long, since i don't cope with things that well at all.
My then girlfriend helped me a great deal, and i started to come out slowly. I still hated it then, so was having second thoughts constantly. I didnt hate any one else trans, i just didnt like that it was me lol.
The more i tried to ignor it, the stronger and worse it got. I got depressed etc (probably heard all of it before) and trie to silence it for good. Obviously, it didnt work.
When i started talking to people in my postition, it started to feel better.
Now it's been a year, i'm about as happy as im going to get because of my age lol. I never tried being girly because i knew, it was not going to happen. Ever lol.
So i'm fairly ok with it. Apart from the odd mood swing where the thought 'Why me?' rears its ugly head.
So i'm going the right way, but it feels like i'm traveling with a very very heavy...growth on my back under a black rain cloud lol.
Good question. Complicated answer. My parents allowed me to be a tomboy, so I was mostly able to explore my maleness through that avenue. When I could, I pretended to be a boy. I loved to be "mistaken" for one. And in many of my dreams, I was openly male.
The real trouble began in puberty. I started living inside my head a lot more because I couldn't come to terms with the changes in my body. The more female I looked on the outside, the more powerful my fantasies became. But I was very good at compartmentalizing; I didn't quite make an explicit connection between my dis-ease and my fantasies. I knew that I was screwed up, but I couldn't quite make the leap.
I didn't begin to suspect that I might be trans until about 1988. I was around twenty-six and had stumbled across a book about FTMs. It really blew my mind. I started to see possibilities, but the whole thing scared the bejesus out of me.
I didn't feel truly SURE until 1994, actually. At thirty-one, I was back in college after a long hiatus and was taking a course in queer theory. My prof told us that Leslie Feinberg was giving a lecture, and I went. The next day, I went down to my favorite queer bookstore and bought a copy of Stone Butch Blues and devoured it. Even though Feinberg and hir fictional character Jess were both into women, I strongly identified with both of them and recognized that I was transgender. The lecture was extraordinary--I suddenly "got" myself, and the feelings that I had were so powerful that they nearly overwhelmed me.
But I still wasn't all the way there yet; I saw myself as a woman who wanted to be male someday. I openly identified that way for about six years, after which I went into "hiding."
This year, in mid-July, I finally made the leap and realized that I AM a guy. It seems like years ago but was only five or six weeks ago. No wonder I'm still reeling...it was a real shock to the system.
(I don't believe in spiritual stuff or fate or destiny, but it was practically a miracle that I was able to attend that Feinberg lecture. I found out about it too late to take the night off from work, so I went to work with a heavy heart. Every once in a great while, I would run out of things to do and be allowed the option of leaving a bit early. I kept thinking that if I printed as fast as I could, I might be able to get off earlier than usual and still make the tail end of the lecture. So I was printing like a sonofabitch, careful to make no mistakes because I didn't want to have to reprint anything. And then my supervisor came by and told me that a big job was coming down the pipe that would need to be run as soon as possible. Dejected, I nodded my head and went on working as fast as I could. I finished everything that I had and went to check on the large run that supposedly awaited me. That's when I found out that they were having tech problems that would take a couple of hours to fix. Rather breathlessly, I asked if I would be allowed to leave early; my supervisor said no, the job had to be printed that night. But they had nothing else for me to do. Reluctantly, she offered a compromise: I could leave for two hours and then come back. I immediately agreed and got the heck out of there before she could change her mind. I had never had such an opportunity before or in the years that I continued to work there. Sometimes I feel as though something like destiny happened that night...it completely changed my life.)
I knew the day i was born something was wrong in 1968.
I was mortified and hurt in 1974 pre-school.
I learned how to stuff my feeling and emotions by 1976.
I remember always dreaming, praying and reading that kept me hopeful til puberty in 1984.
I remember wishing i was that girl in the Bruce Springtens video "Born In The USA".
I learned to drown my sorrows and go numb in 1985.
I hated GOD by 1987.
I lived a lie til 1994.
1995 had a chance to transiton if i could only stop drinking.
1995 I ran to the east coast becaue they did not understand me in the San Fransico Bay Area (another lie i told myself because i was too afraid).
Lived a lie until 1998. Atempted, begged and pleaded for this life to be over.
Everything came to a end on October 15, 2003.
In limbo from 2003 until 2005, praying everyday that the thought;"was a girl" would go away like my obssesion to drink.
I stop trying to get back into my Fantasy world in 2005 and started living in techni color REALITY! I grew up a bit and matured.
The winter of 2005 i made the decision to live this life.
Even if it meant all those scary things, i thought of that prevented me from moving and growing, would happen to me.
I'm ok today and going to be 5 years old soon!!!!!!!!
giggles "I'm ROBIN and I'm 5"
Quote from: fae_reborn on August 21, 2008, 05:10:19 PM
When did you know you were trans, and knew you needed to do something about it? I know most of us have said at one point or another that we "knew" that our gender didn't match our bodies. My question is, when? What happened that made you realize your gender didn't match your body?
I never had much of a problem with my body until puberty hit and my body began to change, when I was about 10 or 12. For some reason one night, I was reading one of my mother's magazines. There was a small snippet about how, when girls reach puberty and learn about their sexuality, they squeeze their thighs together and rub against a pillow. Well, that sounded right for me, so I tried it. Well, what happened really wasn't good, and it isn't what happens to girls, and I freaked out. That's when I knew something was wrong.
When did you know?
Jenn
Lol I feel like this is going to be a random answer but its honest... Gender was moot in my family, it didn't matter that I liked to play as a guy as a kid, or that i Hated wearing dresses (but eventually it did begin to matter and people began trying to force me to change...)
The honest answer is, I didn't know what transgender was until I read about an FtM character named Tomas Blake in a GLBT online comic I read. I felt like even though it was just a character I connected with him and from there....it just became a downhill slide, from making jokes as to why I wouldn't lop off my boobs, to actually seriously looking into chest surgery and all the physical changes I could do to my body.
In my dreams growing up I didn't understand how I could be someone's boyfriend; I never saw what I looked like in the dream but always knew I was still somehow me. I never understood a lot of the things I felt, like why I hated everything about being a girl and why I felt like a liar pretending to be one just so I could get by and be "normal." There were a lot of "I don't understand"s as to why I did the things I did until I found out about what transgender was....And it's been a plaguing virus 24/7 ever since.
I think the hardest part about me not understanding myself was that I never hated myself 100% like a lot of trans people I've heard of but some of the hate was and is still in there for my body and being born this way...
I was born intersex. Assigned "boy" at birth. When did I know something was amiss? I've always known I'm female but my earliest memory is when I was 5. For a while I couldn't forgive my parents & my doctors for giving me a life that wasn't mine. They chose for me, butchered my genitals when I couldn't speak and assigned me as something I wasn't. I was angry and bitter but now I'm past that. I Transitioned to my real gender when I was 17 & now my life is MY life.
Quote from: Yvonne on August 24, 2008, 01:52:30 PM
I was born intersex. Assigned "boy" at birth. When did I know something was amiss? I've always known I'm female but my earliest memory is when I was 5. For a while I couldn't forgive my parents & my doctors for giving me a life that wasn't mine. They chose for me, butchered my genitals when I couldn't speak and assigned me as something I wasn't. I was angry and bitter but now I'm past that. I Transitioned to my real gender when I was 17 & now my life is MY life.
I still don't know how a doctor hasn't been murdered over something like that. Thats such a terrible thing to do. What I mean is that I'm surprised a doctor hasn't been assaulted by one of their patients over that before.
Quote from: Yvonne on August 24, 2008, 01:52:30 PMI was born intersex. Assigned "boy" at birth. When did I know something was amiss? I've always known I'm female but my earliest memory is when I was 5. For a while I couldn't forgive my parents & my doctors for giving me a life that wasn't mine. They chose for me, butchered my genitals when I couldn't speak and assigned me as something I wasn't. I was angry and bitter but now I'm past that. I Transitioned to my real gender when I was 17 & now my life is MY life.
Wow. That's amazing, Yvonne. I'm so glad you've had things worked out.
It was a process of a few years.
The first time I noticed something was wrong was in fifth grade. Back then it was mainly thoughts of "wanting to be a girl" I was still confused, so I didn't know.
Than my parents gave me "the talk", from there I was confused even more. I looked through the books, and I was a lot more interested in the female's side. Of course that might be natural for even the genetic boys, but I wasn't only interested, I was envious and very depressed. These books did not address transgenderism at all. But there was one section about guy's growing breasts and there was a question some guy had asked "I'm growing breasts, does this mean that my penis will fall off?" and it said "No." I was like "Darn it. I want that to happen. :( ) That's also when I realized that my feelings were not normal at all, and that there was no help for me.
It must have been 13/14 before I realized what was truly wrong and what the terms were. I know I came out to my mom when I was 14, but I really don't remember much beyond that. Even though it was only 5 years ago... I have a bad memory. >_< I don't remember exactly what year it was I first saw the program on TV showing what transgendered people were... But I do remember when my mom was randomly on it, I had to go back in my room and see the program myself. I was like "OMG... These kind of things exist, it isn't just me being insane and all in my head?"
Since than I have known. But I have changed in the last few years... From a very depressing person who was constantly depressing and said there was no hope at all. Now I have a friend. ^_^ That's something myself from a few years ago would have claimed impossible.
Re: When did you know you were Trans?
i knew i was female when i was 3 yrs old. i've never identified as "trans". i'm not "trans-anything" as my signature reads. i'm a female that was born with HBS.
Lol... Puberty books are mean aren't they? I had one too.
Quote from: Emma on August 24, 2008, 03:32:00 PM
It was a process of a few years.
The first time I noticed something was wrong was in fifth grade. Back then it was mainly thoughts of "wanting to be a girl" I was still confused, so I didn't know.
Than my parents gave me "the talk", from there I was confused even more. I looked through the books, and I was a lot more interested in the female's side. Of course that might be natural for even the genetic boys, but I wasn't only interested, I was envious and very depressed. These books did not address transgenderism at all. But there was one section about guy's growing breasts and there was a question some guy had asked "I'm growing breasts, does this mean that my penis will fall off?" and it said "No." I was like "Darn it. I want that to happen. :( ) That's also when I realized that my feelings were not normal at all, and that there was no help for me.
It must have been 13/14 before I realized what was truly wrong and what the terms were. I know I came out to my mom when I was 14, but I really don't remember much beyond that. Even though it was only 5 years ago... I have a bad memory. >_< I don't remember exactly what year it was I first saw the program on TV showing what transgendered people were... But I do remember when my mom was randomly on it, I had to go back in my room and see the program myself. I was like "OMG... These kind of things exist, it isn't just me being insane and all in my head?"
Since than I have known. But I have changed in the last few years... From a very depressing person who was constantly depressing and said there was no hope at all. Now I have a friend. ^_^ That's something myself from a few years ago would have claimed impossible.
Quote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 02:27:46 PM
Quote from: Yvonne on August 24, 2008, 01:52:30 PMI was born intersex. Assigned "boy" at birth. When did I know something was amiss? I've always known I'm female but my earliest memory is when I was 5. For a while I couldn't forgive my parents & my doctors for giving me a life that wasn't mine. They chose for me, butchered my genitals when I couldn't speak and assigned me as something I wasn't. I was angry and bitter but now I'm past that. I Transitioned to my real gender when I was 17 & now my life is MY life.
Wow. That's amazing, Yvonne. I'm so glad you've had things worked out.
Yeah. Me too.
I don't know do I know, do I even know now? ??? What's more I keep "forgetting" things I do this with distressing memories. This is the main reason I'm reluctant to admit I'm trans, Because alot of you think this is a good thing and you wouldn't change who you are for anything. I don't feel that in my experience when my mind makes me forget things it's usually because it's very painful and I shouldn't be remembering that.
I have forgotten and Remembered and forgotten and remembered an assortment of events that occurred when I was about 11 and lead to me experiencing an "Ordeal"
At some point I had a dream about everything begin the same but I was a girl... I woke up and felt scared and oddly guilty, I thought about it for awhile and I felt scared and guilty because I happy in that dream. Realizing this I wanted to actually wanted to experience a dream for a second time.
We skip forwards a couple of months and we went on a holiday to one of these horrible British camp-sites it had lots of swimming pools and alot of earwigs if I recall. Anyway in one of the swimming pools I was swimming about on my own and then this boy came up and with a puzzled look ask. "Are you a girl or a boy... We can't tell"
I felt the same feeling I felt before guilt, happiness and fear mixed. I told them boy and he left. I went home after that and considered borrowing the top part of my sisters swimming costume with the knowledge that I would be easily mistaken for a girl. I didn't do this fear that if my family spotted me... Well...
when I was about 12 my mum brought a set of low neck cotton vests, Now I noticed how much they looked like a tank top. Unsurprisingly this lead to Cross-dressing time :/ this was stopped when my mum found me trying on a pair of tights. Mum of course big face of disappointment and annoyance. "So you think your a girl now?"
The ordeal was me thinking and panicking about this and what I was doing, If it was right then why do I hide it so much? I was also bullied quite badly in school and my parents were splitting up. This made me seriously depressed and self harm which lead me to forget... Your mind takes you where you need to go to last.
I started to remember again when I was 16 and many other strange events but I only learned about Gender identity issues since last year when I was 19 and I'm still a torn up mess, Can't remember can't forget, I know the consequences of saying yes and admitting what I probably am are severe and might very much ruin my life. So as agonizing as it is to not change I feel I can't yet.
When I was 4, my first year of school, the teacher told all the girls to gather in the front of the room, they had a special guest, and told all the boys to go to the back and find something to occupy themselves with. I instinctively felt I belonged with the girls, quietly placed myself at the back of the girl-space, and listened to the visitor-- a woman from India demonstrating how to wrap a sari. (Now I give sari-wearing lessons to my friends.) This is the most vivid of many cross-gender memories I have from the first time I became aware of gender differentiation--when I started school. Once I learned that girls and boys were treated as separate categories, I instinctively felt I belonged with the girls. I kept going to the girls' bathroom at my kindergarten, and refused to go to the boys' room no matter how much they scolded and threatened me.
When I was little and all my cousins gathered, all the girls would sequester themselves in my sister's or a girl cousin's room, shut the door, and have a session of girl talk. Meanwhile, all the boy cousins would be playing football or shooting baskets outside. Again, I felt that inexorable pull that the girl-space was the only place I belonged. At the time I never analyzed it or explained it, I just felt it instinctively. My childhood gender trauma is epitomized in that memory of me sitting alone on the floor outside the locked door of the girls' room, desperately wishing for some way to be admitted to their social group.
Early in grade school, I spent my recess playing hopscotch with the girls-- until the powers that be forced me to leave there and join the boys in their rough and tumble ball games, which I hated. As always, I wound up isolated and alone. And bullied by some of the boys. I could give many other examples of how I was refused admission to female society and felt abhorrence toward male society. So I had neither.
Thing is, at the time I never clearly articulated to myself what my problem was. Instead, I just internalized the harsh messages from my parents, teachers, and other kids that there was something wrong with me. I guess I just assumed I was a misfit for unknown reasons. Throughout my life, being forced into all-male socialization was a living hell. At times I wanted to die. I made friendships with girls as much as possible, though the all-male circumstances I was often forced into made that challenging. I had almost no friends.
I went through my life feeling I needed to be a woman. And yet, I never faced up to being trans. From what little I knew of it, the concept seemed so utterly exotic, outlandish, and frightening that I didn't think it could apply to me. When I was 22 I met another trans woman for the first time, and that brought me to realize that I really wanted to do what she was doing.
So I guess the answer is age 22. Except that the poor lady I met at that age did not pass well at all. From that I got a negative impression of my chances. I buried the thought again. But it kept coming up again, though I kept denying it. I should have been a woman. Nah, it's impossible, never gonna happen, forget it. I should have been a woman. Pesky, persistent voice of my inner self.
The power of denial was so strong that I remember thinking to myself when I was 44: Yeah I should have been born with a vagina, but no I'm not trans. As stupid as that sounds. When I was 43 I first heard a scholar presenting a paper at a conference give a definition of transgender, and with a shock of recognition I realized that the weird thing that had been in me all along had a name. But I still kept denying that it really applied to me, and it took until I was 45 before I finally dropped the denial, admitted I'm trans, began consciously dealing with it.
So depending on how the question is interpreted, the answer could be age 4, 22, 43, or 45. Take your pick.
I knew when I was 4 years old. My father's porn helped define the gender gap for me pretty early. I don't know why I was like that, but every night I'd cry myself to sleep, attempting to make a secret pact with God to turn me into a woman. When you call upon the LORD'S name, he will answer, right? Maybe not...
I started playing the female in games a lot more. I'd always demand to be the princess that got saved or married extravagantly or whatever. This was of course among my female friends, who needed male friends? They were only good for beating up or for giving you half a challenge at during soccer(yes macho.)
Around 8 I got into the porn myself. I got into >-bleeped-<s. My entire sexuality was screwed before I even hit puberty, that's when the crossdressing started and that's when the pain of the entire situation started twisting my being.
It took over me. I had gone into books a while before then, but now I went into books to the point that I would sit down in school and open a book, and the class would pass me by. Clan of the Cave Bear and Daughter of the Balance, Sabriel, Daughter of the Forest, anything that featured a young woman being the hero in that I could illustrate my dreams around.
At 11 it happened. Somehow in my googling around for chicks with dicks I came across a legit article describing exactly what I was: a transsexual. I cried all that night as I kept reading more and more.
I told my father as soon as he woke up, why his, "son" was so >-bleeped-<ed up and exactly what I intended on doing.
That's where the pain that was on the inside went away and resurfaced in day to day life, living with bigots. Somehow at 13 I got on the hormones and went fulltime.
It's really too painful to remember full details about. I just let it fade to black, because about halfway through 13 is when I started putting >-bleeped-< besides hormones in my body for a multitude of reasons, peer acceptance and I discovered that I could get away from the planet if I smoked enough pot, drank enough Jack Daniels, or it really got me messed up when I got into the harder >-bleeped-<.
So... 15 I was forced off the hormones and legally disowned. Now I'm going back down that path after 4 years of screwing around and denying what I knew all along since i was 4: that I am a woman and lord help anyone who gets in my way this time.
Quote from: Annwyn on September 11, 2008, 07:44:38 AM
I knew when I was 4 years old. My father's porn helped define the gender gap for me pretty early. I don't know why I was like that, but every night I'd cry myself to sleep, attempting to make a secret pact with God to turn me into a woman. When you call upon the LORD'S name, he will answer, right? Maybe not...
I started playing the female in games a lot more. I'd always demand to be the princess that got saved or married extravagantly or whatever. This was of course among my female friends, who needed male friends? They were only good for beating up or for giving you half a challenge at during soccer(yes macho.)
Around 8 I got into the porn myself. I got into >-bleeped-<s. My entire sexuality was screwed before I even hit puberty, that's when the crossdressing started and that's when the pain of the entire situation started twisting my being.
It took over me. I had gone into books a while before then, but now I went into books to the point that I would sit down in school and open a book, and the class would pass me by. Clan of the Cave Bear and Daughter of the Balance, Sabriel, Daughter of the Forest, anything that featured a young woman being the hero in that I could illustrate my dreams around.
At 11 it happened. Somehow in my googling around for chicks with dicks I came across a legit article describing exactly what I was: a transsexual. I cried all that night as I kept reading more and more.
I told my father as soon as he woke up, why his, "son" was so >-bleeped-<ed up and exactly what I intended on doing.
That's where the pain that was on the inside went away and resurfaced in day to day life, living with bigots. Somehow at 13 I got on the hormones and went fulltime.
It's really too painful to remember full details about. I just let it fade to black, because about halfway through 13 is when I started putting >-bleeped-< besides hormones in my body for a multitude of reasons, peer acceptance and I discovered that I could get away from the planet if I smoked enough pot, drank enough Jack Daniels, or it really got me messed up when I got into the harder >-bleeped-<.
So... 15 I was forced off the hormones and legally disowned. Now I'm going back down that path after 4 years of screwing around and denying what I knew all along since i was 4: that I am a woman and lord help anyone who gets in my way this time.
:(
Duuuudddeee... Screw your folks. Augh. <3
I can relate to a lot of that but I was too afraid to tell my parents and I only stopped being closeminded myself when it became undeniable that something much more deep seated was wrong with me. I mean... I had already been bullied for years. Once at Private school... Well.. Who am I kidding? I was always bullied. It just got worse when I first moved to the shoreline and a kid gave me death threats and almost killed me, and before that at Private school. I think the two told me something about how accepting the world was. I mostly relate to the, "pact with god" stuff... Only... I kinda disowned god post elementary school and totally dissected the whole idea of ANY god soon after. So first I tried god, then stars, I think satan at one point, and then even the spirit of the island I love... Cause it would be one of the only things I can see spirit in if anything. Every time I lowered the bar.
"I promise to never have sex"
or
"just for one day to experience it"
I love how much I lied to myself cause my mind was too weak for it. I think Wyn had much more courage in it.
Well like you said I always knew something was amiss but it wasn't till my breast started growing that I knew something was seriously wrong and then I had no clue untill, well look at my signature and thats how long ago LOL :)
I've had thoughts of wanting to be a girl all my life, but that's not the question that was asked. I knew I was TS and had to transition a little under 3 years ago. What really made the difference was when I discovered that the WAS actually something I could do about it. I transitioned shortly after and went fulltime over 2 years ago and I've never regretted it since.
Quote from: deviousxen on September 11, 2008, 12:17:52 PM
:(
Duuuudddeee... Screw your folks. Augh. <3
No, screw YOUR FOLKS. Lol, they're giving you a really hard time RIGHT NOW which is really messed up.
Heh.
I remember being a kid, playing with my sister. Love her to death, and she's the only person that supports me now. Back then, I guess when I was 4 or 5, I stole one of her dresses and was running around the basement wearing it, just being myself. There was no pretention on my part, I just didn't understand the difference until my sister found me, told my mother, and I got a royal chewing out and told the differences between boys and girls and why I was a boy and my sister was a girl.
...
And after that, everyone started treating me differently. Shortly thereafter I got deathly ill and people treated me like a delicate flower until I was a teenager, which was rather nice. But I digress.
I've known my entire life. I grew up in Wyoming, and had no knowledge of me being able to do anything about it. When I first met my ex-wife, she asked me what my biggest secret was, and I told her that I have a girl brain. She loved it then. 10 years of life and lots of discovery about the world later, she couldn't handle it anymore and went out to find comfort in the arms of a real man. I can't begrudge her wanting to leave me, I suppose. How she went about it never sat well with me, though.
So, while I've known my entire life that I'm a girl... at least in my head... I only found out a few years ago that there's a name for it and that there are other people like me.
Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 21, 2008, 09:29:33 PM
... But then they showed her in line skating, just silhouetted against the sky at the top of a hill, and something about the way she moved so gracefully, side to side, with her center of balance in her hips, it was like I was struck by lightning.
Stealth
O, Cookie!!
The lightning strike explains so much I have wondered about!! ;D
Nikki
QuoteI remember wishing i was that girl in the Bruce Springtens video "Born In The USA".
OMG that brings back memories for me too... except I think you meant "Dancing in the Dark" and
I SO wanted to be just like that girl... Courtney Cox.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk8VZgJkpeg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk8VZgJkpeg)
I even bought a t-thirt like she wore in the video... and OMG how many hours did I spend dancing in front of the TV watching
that video.
I think i knew i was trans for sure when my breasts started growing and my body started changing
and it made me feel so complete inside. With the exception of about two months I've had a non stop smile
on my face since starting HRT. Like Melissa I've had thoughts that I was somehow a girl all my life but also
realized that I could do something about it about two years ago.
QuoteThe power of denial was so strong that I remember thinking to myself when I was 44: Yeah I should have been born with a vagina, but no I'm not trans. As stupid as that sounds. When I was 43 I first heard a scholar presenting a paper at a conference give a definition of transgender, and with a shock of recognition I realized that the weird thing that had been in me all along had a name. But I still kept denying that it really applied to me, and it took until I was 45 before I finally dropped the denial, admitted I'm trans, began consciously dealing with it.
I don't think that sounds stupid at all... I'm right there with you.... could have written that... could have written a lot of things
in this post :) Thanks everyone... I remember why I like hanging out here so much... I can relate to your stories so well :)
Amanda
Quote from: luna on September 23, 2008, 03:49:01 PM
So, while I've known my entire life that I'm a girl... at least in my head... I only found out a few years ago that there's a name for it and that there are other people like me.
Substitute boy and you have me as well, only I just made this discovery a few months ago. I do find it very interesting that many of our stories are so similar!
Jay
Quote from: sneakersjay on September 23, 2008, 04:34:58 PM
Quote from: luna on September 23, 2008, 03:49:01 PM
So, while I've known my entire life that I'm a girl... at least in my head... I only found out a few years ago that there's a name for it and that there are other people like me.
Substitute boy and you have me as well, only I just made this discovery a few months ago. I do find it very interesting that many of our stories are so similar!
Jay
I'll third that. Even after I knew about ftms, still took me years to admit to myself I was one.
QuoteI'll third that. Even after I knew about ftms, still took me years to admit to myself I was one.
As you ALL know that have admitted you're trans... denial is a powerful thing :)
Amanda
Yep, some people do it even after transition. :laugh:
That moment is right now and I can't stop crying. My story is just like all the others. Know all along. Beat out of me. Showed what boys who dress like girls have to do to please there men by my father. Repression, repression, repression, confusion, confusion, confusion. Why does the song Lola touch me at my soul. Why did the crossdressing part in Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex scare me? Why did the Debbie Reynolds movie about a playboy being killed by his girlfriend and come back as a woman excite me and want that to happen to me? Why when a boy in my neighbor started to grow breast did I pray and wish it was me? And on and on. Why did I never fit with the boys and liked to be with the girls more? Denial, denial, denail. Not a boy or man in a dress. A girl!!!!!!!!!! Alcohol, drugs, crossdressing, marraiges, children. Depression, depression, depression. Meds, gender therapy. Denial, denial, denial.
I can't do this. I can't traumatise my young children like my father did to me. If I did he would win............BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!
So I'll just try to medicate myself until my children are grown and then see what my options are.
Thank you and love to you all for being here and allowing me to live somewhat vicariously through your development and happiness.
I have to pull myself together and go home now.
QuoteYep, some people do it even after transition.
LOL... yep some do ;)
Amanda
Posted on: September 23, 2008, 05:12:42 PM
QuoteThat moment is right now and I can't stop crying. My story is just like all the others....
So I'll just try to medicate myself until my children are grown and then see what my options are.
Kylie dear, "medication" is not going to help.... please talk to us... there are many girls here that
can help you work through this... like "medication" won't.
Amanda
Kylie, luv, "medication" does seem like it helps. It drowns things for a bit and then wears off and over time you need more and more "medication" to keep the demons away and then. Well, and then you just have the demons anyhow and a new demon to also try and exorcise.
Mandi's absolutely spot-on about that.
I've spent the last 15 years of my life doing therapy with addicts and trauma-victims, luv. It's a shame that the "medication" doesn't wipe away the slate forever, isn't a permanent fix of the problem. But, it isn't.
Find another way for your own sake, please?
Nikki
Thank you Amanda for those sweet words of support. I'll be back later. I have to go home now as my wife will be worried because I have really been struggling lately and it has scared us all. She knows about all my history and issues. But believes my GID is because of my neglected and abusive childhood.
Bye sweetie
Quote from: KylieLuv on September 23, 2008, 05:12:18 PM
I can't do this. I can't traumatise my young children like my father did to me. If I did he would win............BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!
How young?
My daughter is 8 and I have custody. It's hard to traumatize your children by being yourself -- you can, however, hurt them by showing them that it isn't okay to be yourself, or that you're being different is a bad thing. Granted there are good, sensitive times to handle these situations... and bad, horrible times to handle them.
But anyway... and if they know you're different and hiding it and if they're different in some way, they'll think it's a bad thing and hide it too. Children tend to mimic their parents! I know... I know I'm far from perfect as a parent. Very far! But my daughter knows she can come to me with anything and I won't ever judge her. Plus she knows she can go to any of her grandparents for anything, too, so she's not limited to having a weirdo mama-papa for her emotional needs (which are considerable).
I take care of my daughter first and myself second. Needless to say this has almost halted my transition, but she knows who I am. She always has, cause I've been the only one consistently there for her, and as a result we know each other very well. So she knows, and she doesn't care. She calls me mom, she calls me papa. It's no big thing. And it won't be unless I make it a big thing.
Just some food for thought, I guess. I sincerely believe children are a reason FOR transition, not a reason NOT to. Of course their needs should definitely come first (and I think this is where some screw up...) but when they get to a certain age they also need to know that you don't exist solely for them, and that you have things you have to do for yourself, too.
Welcome to Susan's, Luna,
It's nice to have you among us. What a great view of the matter! Excellent post!!
You might also wanna go to "Introductions" and write a brief bio, whatever, so we can get an idea about where you're coming from and so people don't have to realize you're new and here by just running across a post like I just did. :laugh:
Very nice writing and thinking.
Nikki
Quote from: luna on September 23, 2008, 06:18:26 PM
Quote from: KylieLuv on September 23, 2008, 05:12:18 PM
I can't do this. I can't traumatise my young children like my father did to me. If I did he would win............BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!
How young?
My daughter is 8 and I have custody. It's hard to traumatize your children by being yourself -- you can, however, hurt them by showing them that it isn't okay to be yourself, or that you're being different is a bad thing. Granted there are good, sensitive times to handle these situations... and bad, horrible times to handle them.
I agree. I've always raised my kids to be true to themselves and to follow their hearts and intuition and not the crowd; what kind of example would I be setting if I wasn't true to my own self? Many parents transition and have healthy, whole children. But many parents transition and lose their family due to vindictive, ignorant spouses/ex-spouses.
Lots of support and info here for you.
Jay
I have an 11 year old daughter, 10 year old son and 24 year old daughter from another marraige. I agree, my children will probably love me no matter what as they know they have always been the most important thing in my life. But I fear all the ugly things they will experience by their peers, neighbors etc. So my maternal instincts won't let me accept that something I would do for me would hurt them in any way.
My wife is very strong and has a PhD in psychology but did psychological testing and not therapy. Her maternal instincts are also to protect her children at any cost. So there is no way I can invision a smooth transition much less having any contact with my beautiful children. So I can only see me going away for some explained reason (nervous breakdown, hospital, another relationship etc.)
I'm to old, to tall, to masculine and to caring. But I can't go on like this much more.
Quote from: Nichole on September 23, 2008, 05:20:23 PM
Kylie, luv, "medication" does seem like it helps. It drowns things for a bit and then wears off and over time you need more and more "medication" to keep the demons away and then. Well, and then you just have the demons anyhow and a new demon to also try and exorcise.
Mandi's absolutely spot-on about that.
I've spent the last 15 years of my life doing therapy with addicts and trauma-victims, luv. It's a shame that the "medication" doesn't wipe away the slate forever, isn't a permanent fix of the problem. But, it isn't.
Find another way for your own sake, please?
Nikki
Valium+Vodka===fix all. yup, it's like duct tape, but for your life.
lulz
serious.
No amount of parenting can protect your children from the ugliness of their peers or the world in general. Running away doesn't fix anything, it just leaves your kids without one of their parents.
It is... difficult... to invision a smooth transition. I agree completely. All change is always work. I would imagine shutting yourself out of your kids' lives would hurt them more than finding out you're a little different. In some way, shape, or form, they'll be dealing with crap from their peers. That's part of life. You can show them, by being yourself, that YOU can deal with those very same issues. You can show them, by being yourself, that they can too.
Sheltering kids from life isn't protecting them. It's harmful, cause they can't learn how to deal with things if they don't ever have to.
Edit for addition: Also, remember that most kids are always embarassed by their parents. It's like a rule of nature.
QuoteSo my maternal instincts won't let me accept that something I would do for me would hurt them in any way.
Yes and so many of us would agree... but at some point all of us have to do for US... there is no other
way to survive. I was the same way... I can't do this because of who I'm going to hurt... but that's not
living and the end result is that it is not fair to anyone. Don't be afraid to put yourself first for a change.
And.... you are never too old, masculine or too tall... just ask around here... lots of girls over 6 ft, lots in
their 60's and 70's... and we ALL think we are too masculine. Good luck.
Amanda
My kids have been totally accepting and just gave me high-fives when I told them people on my trip called me Sir. All they want is for me to be happy; and they're glad they have 2 parents (we're divorced > 3 yrs) that love them and want them. Oprah recently did a show "When Dad becomes a woman" which I thought was very well done; the two families profiled stayed together during and after transition.
Jay
I don't know if I can answer this. I have always felt out of place, different and at odds with the world. Even into my late teens I thought everyone felt the same as me, acted out of fear of breaking societies rules. Slowly I started to realise that I really did not understand how to be a male or female, I still don't get it. I have identified as androgyne for about 6 or 7 years.
The argument that transitioning will be harmful to your kids is bogus. It's more harmful to repress who you are. It's extremely damaging to not only us but our loved ones. We don't do them any favors by repressing. They only see the outside, they can't see what you're going through inside, so they are not in a position to judge us when we take responsibility for our own health and well-being. Taking care of your own health is essential if you're to be any good for your family. Destroying yourself will not help them. They don't understand how destructive it is for us to repress our true gender. It's like the oxygen masks on airplanes. Parents have to be instructed to put their own on first, then the children's.
Quote from: Hypatia on September 23, 2008, 11:25:49 PM
The argument that transitioning will be harmful to your kids is bogus. It's more harmful to repress who you are. It's extremely damaging to not only us but our loved ones. We don't do them any favors by repressing. They only see the outside, they can't see what you're going through inside, so they are not in a position to judge us when we take responsibility for our own health and well-being. Taking care of your own health is essential if you're to be any good for your family. Destroying yourself will not help them. They don't understand how destructive it is for us to repress our true gender. It's like the oxygen masks on airplanes. Parents have to be instructed to put their own on first, then the children's.
Yus!
Quote from: Hypatia on September 23, 2008, 11:25:49 PM
The argument that transitioning will be harmful to your kids is bogus. It's more harmful to repress who you are. It's extremely damaging to not only us but our loved ones. We don't do them any favors by repressing. They only see the outside, they can't see what you're going through inside, so they are not in a position to judge us when we take responsibility for our own health and well-being. Taking care of your own health is essential if you're to be any good for your family. Destroying yourself will not help them. They don't understand how destructive it is for us to repress our true gender. It's like the oxygen masks on airplanes. Parents have to be instructed to put their own on first, then the children's.
Quote from: KylieLuv on September 23, 2008, 08:33:56 PM
I have an 11 year old daughter, 10 year old son and 24 year old daughter from another marraige. I agree, my children will probably love me no matter what as they know they have always been the most important thing in my life. But I fear all the ugly things they will experience by their peers, neighbors etc. So my maternal instincts won't let me accept that something I would do for me would hurt them in any way.
My wife is very strong and has a PhD in psychology but did psychological testing and not therapy. Her maternal instincts are also to protect her children at any cost. So there is no way I can invision a smooth transition much less having any contact with my beautiful children. So I can only see me going away for some explained reason (nervous breakdown, hospital, another relationship etc.)
I'm to old, to tall, to masculine and to caring. But I can't go on like this much more.
Hi, Kylie,
It seems to me that you have a clear understanding of your present condition, your past, and how you got there. You surely are not alone. Many of us, if not most, have a similar history.
Please avoid the vodka and Valium cocktail as it won't do any good. I am a recovering alcoholic, sober since September 6, 2002 and it didn't do anything for me aside from land me in the detox unit.
When I was five years old I began to feel that there was a mismatch between my clothing, toys, games boys played, and me. When I was nine years old I knew exactly what my problem was. I was a girl in a boy's body.
Back then, in 1960, the word "transsexual" was not in anyone's lexicon, not even the medical establishment. There was no such thing as gender therapy and in my little town had I started to act as girly as my inner self was I would have been taken for x-rays on my head or maybe for an exorcism.
Too old to transition? I was 51 when I started. It took a mere 46 years for me to do what was imperative, to be me, the same inside and outside. I came out in the transgender chat room here at Susan's. I had the floor for two and a half hours while I opened up to myself and anyone else who gave a hoot.
Too tall? I'm 5'11.5" tall and I am not petite, not even slender. There are taller women who have transitioned and some visit here from time to time.
It is, IMHO, impossible to live comfortably with Gender Identity Dysphoria. Either it gets buried and causes constant discomfort within or it takes over and forces one to action. When you choose transition you will have a rough road to travel, but many of us have done it before you and will be here to help, advise, or listen, as needed.
You can change your haircut, change the color, the way you dress, the car you drive, your place of worship, your political leanings, your favorite beer, sport, whatever, and no one will bother you, but change your gender and suddenly everyone has a stake in your future! Where in the hell were they when you needed them? Suddenly everyone wears judge's robes and you're what they're judging.
If it's any help, I survived it. I learned how to give lots of "one-finger salutes," and my shell grew very thick and hard. It was my turn to be me.
I was married three times for a total of 26 years. I did that because back then I had to buy into the lie that I was all-male. There was no alternative available to me. I had no children, however, I believe Hypatia's comments to be worth consideration. I have seen situations similar to yours and hers before. Even if you had no children to deal with, only your wife, it would still be a rocky road until you left home and lived your life as you need to live it. My second ex told me that I could transition when she retired. She told me that at least she wouldn't have to show her face outside. Then she extended it to after she died. That, Kylie, was the absolute end. I moved out under police supervision and I never looked back.
So here I am, a whole woman on her way to being complete. I had to choose between living my life for myself (yes, there is a selfish element to every choice like this) or living it for others, in misery. I chose to live for me.
Please contact me by PM if you wish. I promise that if I cannot help you or share your anxiety and pain, I will say so and not waste your time. Many here and elsewhere have contributed to my life and I am bound to share it with others who might need some help.
Remember, no vodka with Valium.
Wing Walker
Never Looked Back
Hi Kylie,
I have not been feeling all that up to par today but I was the one who came upon your post. Usually when I see someone is hurting I'll do what ever I can to try and give them some support. After reading your post I shed a few tears and went and got my partner Wing Walker to read your post. I am thankful that she did and I will tell you something honey, she is just as big hearted as she is a big woman and she is all woman to me and soon will be physically as well. Hey I'm only a small woman, so having a partner that can kick butt if she should need to, well, I'll just hide under the table.
Truly though I was lucky that I was done with the wife and the children were taken from me years before I came to the bottom step of the stairs to transition. I even had another partner in between but that relationship didn't work either and we each went our way, amicably. The transition road for me was all completed after 6 years. I have lived as a woman full time all told, for 9 years. But I must admit my experience had very few lumps in it and what lumps there were, turned out only to be a few beetles hiding under the table cloth sort of deal.
Cindy
Quote from: Hypatia on September 23, 2008, 11:25:49 PM
The argument that transitioning will be harmful to your kids is bogus. It's more harmful to repress who you are. It's extremely damaging to not only us but our loved ones. We don't do them any favors by repressing. They only see the outside, they can't see what you're going through inside, so they are not in a position to judge us when we take responsibility for our own health and well-being. Taking care of your own health is essential if you're to be any good for your family. Destroying yourself will not help them. They don't understand how destructive it is for us to repress our true gender. It's like the oxygen masks on airplanes. Parents have to be instructed to put their own on first, then the children's.
Thank you Hypatia for those wonderful words of encouragement and the wonderful analogy. It all makes rational sense and I believe that it's probably true. But it's going to take me time to work it all out and take any action. I'm so scared. But it is a great relief to be able to engage this dialog here at this beautiful place. Growing up in the 50's, 60's & 70's there was nothing available. Hopefully someday I can be at peace and return the help.
Quote from: Always Amanda on September 23, 2008, 09:35:11 PM
QuoteSo my maternal instincts won't let me accept that something I would do for me would hurt them in any way.
Yes and so many of us would agree... but at some point all of us have to do for US... there is no other
way to survive. I was the same way... I can't do this because of who I'm going to hurt... but that's not
living and the end result is that it is not fair to anyone. Don't be afraid to put yourself first for a change.
And.... you are never too old, masculine or too tall... just ask around here... lots of girls over 6 ft, lots in
their 60's and 70's... and we ALL think we are too masculine. Good luck.
Amanda
I was just reading along when this response from Amanda caught my eye because it tends to mirror my life somewhat. I havent posted for awhile because things are rapidly moving forward in the right direction. What I thought interesting was the quote about Maternal instincts as this was an important catalyst that I feel kept me from transition through two marriages, and the death of my father. I could not personally come to terms with my sense of maternal guilt until I felt that I had did all I possibly could to hold myself together as family oriented father, if that makes any sense at all.
Amandas following quote also hit home and she is indeed correct also in that at some point you have to accept yourself for who you really are and end the charade. Yes you will cause harm in most cases, but you still have to become yourself finally and I emphasise finally. And the longer you wait, the less time you will have in which to become you. And if you have not figured it out yet I am a Senior, at 61 and started my transition a year ago.
To answer the first question and the gist of this thread, I knew at about 4 years old I was different and wanted to be like Jane next door (It really was her name) and by age seven I had told my mother I wanted to be a girl. I think the major defining moment came at about 12 just shortly after my Mother had passed away.I found a nudist colony book that showed pictures of a nude teen redheaded girl. There was no sexual connentation, I just simply wanted nothing else but to be her and knew exactly who I was inside and who I should have been from that moment on. Christine Jorgenson was also made known to me about that time and I so envied her.
But life deals us all different circumstances and while wishing I could have started a lot earlier I am still grateful to have been blessed to begin even now. Hugs
Wendy
Quote from: Nichole on September 23, 2008, 05:10:11 PM
Yep, some people do it even after transition. :laugh:
heh! since when is knowing you're female & not 'othered' denial?. shame on you. tsk tsk tsk >sigh.>
Quote from: Wendy C on September 26, 2008, 07:13:40 PM
Quote from: Always Amanda on September 23, 2008, 09:35:11 PM
QuoteSo my maternal instincts won't let me accept that something I would do for me would hurt them in any way.
Yes and so many of us would agree... but at some point all of us have to do for US... there is no other
way to survive. I was the same way... I can't do this because of who I'm going to hurt... but that's not
living and the end result is that it is not fair to anyone. Don't be afraid to put yourself first for a change.
And.... you are never too old, masculine or too tall... just ask around here... lots of girls over 6 ft, lots in
their 60's and 70's... and we ALL think we are too masculine. Good luck.
Amanda
I could not personally come to terms with my sense of maternal guilt until I felt that I had did all I possibly could to hold myself together as family oriented father, if that makes any sense at all.
Amandas following quote also hit home and she is indeed correct also in that at some point you have to accept yourself for who you really are and end the charade. Yes you will cause harm in most cases, but you still have to become yourself finally and I emphasise finally. And the longer you wait, the less time you will have in which to become you. And if you have not figured it out yet I am a Senior, at 61 and started my transition a year ago.
Wendy
Dear Amanda & Wendy,
Your statements ring very true Amanda. Yes, I'm 6'1" and very athlectic looking. Yes I've seen women that tall and athlectic. Quite a few actually. Also, my therapist told me that I am blessed that I can easily go from the male role to female even now. I also have a light beard and very little chest, stomach and back hair and my leg hair is light and sparse for a man. So maybe I need to look on the positive sides and not focus on the negative soooooooooooooooo much. Wait, that's what my therapist tells me all the time. DUH! I just need to start believing.
Your comment Wendy about not being able to accept until doing all you possibly could rings very true for me and is exactly where I am. So now after 21 years of therapy, drugs, alcohol, risk taking and major medications I've done all I can to protect my loved ones from the real me. Therefore, now is the time to take care of me before I hurt me.
Congratulations Windy on taking the huge step at your wonderful age. You help give me the courage I've lacked.
Peace & Happiness
In my case, I knew I was different from boys when I was about 6. I only liked "playing doctor" with other boys. My childhood was very unstable, we moved constantly so I never got to make real friends, but then, I didn't want to. Other boys were scary, and I didn't like their games. Mom was always dressing me in cowboy suits and trying to make me go outside. They used to kick me out and lock the door so I'd go "play". The friends I was able to get close to were always girls, except a few gaming nerds as I got older. I liked to visit my cousins, all girls except for one, who was a flaming queer - I loved him, so much fun! Anyhow I never put the pieces together, and there were lots, until a few months ago. before then I thought I was some kind of screwed up gay person. I was so afraid of my family I went to great lengths to pose as macho, but being so much like my mom, I'm sure it looked forced. Now, I'm out, I'm free! I don't care who knows, who clocks me, I carry my cell with 911 on speed dial and that's about it. It's wonderful to be alive, really alive, and to feel that dissonance inside disappear.
Quote from: The Bri Girl on September 27, 2008, 11:03:44 AMNow, I'm out, I'm free! I don't care who knows, who clocks me, I carry my cell with 911 on speed dial and that's about it. It's wonderful to be alive, really alive, and to feel that dissonance inside disappear.
That definitely sounds wonderful. ;)
:laugh: Thanks! It is wonderful, I mean, there are still rocky spots, but I'm learning to be a healthier person. It helps that I have a first class therapist I can trust. I'm able to be very deeply honest with him, and I respect it when he waves the B/S flag. I also do a 12 step program, and have a healthy church that's very accepting to the LGBT community.
In fact my pastor, Howard Bess, literally wrote the book on church acceptance of Lesbians and Gays, "Pastor, I'm Gay" was a profound inspiration to me, and about the only thing that could EVER have made me consider going into a church again.
Anyway, my point is, it took a safe and caring support team to help me learn to be honest and accepting towards myself.
Hi Kylie, I don't remember if I mentioned my age, I am 63 years old and I will say the same as Wing Walker after I began transitioning to full time I never looked back and 9 years later it just so all feels like it was all just a bad dream. I am happy with my life, probably more so then any other time in my life, I am just the me I had always aspired to be now. Hey at least I didn't disappoint myself, Cindy turned out to be a pretty good kid. ;)
CindyBC
Quote from: cindybc on September 27, 2008, 05:49:39 PM
Hi Kylie, I don't remember if I mentioned my age, I am 63 years old and I will say the same as Wing Walker after I began transitioning to full time I never looked back and 9 years later it just so all feels like it was all just a bad dream. I am happy with my life, probably more so then any other time in my life, I am just the me I had always aspired to be now. Hey at least I didn't disappoint myself, Cindy turned out to be a pretty good kid. ;)
CindyBC
You and Wing Walker are so wonderful to me that I don't know how to show my gratitude. But some day I'll figure out how, Also, I pray that some day I can be happy and at peace like you. 56 years of pain and suffering is too much for any human being and my heart has always gone out to all of "US" and anyone else suffering.
My heart is full and i thank you and all.
Peace & Happiness
Hi KylieLuv, well it's time to make you happy hon. Embrace who resides within and then be the best her you can possibly be. Please keep posting hon, the are many caring and smart people with a big heart here. Now that brings to mind, "hey Leiandra, where art thou?"
You may PM Wing Walker and I when ever you wish.
I need to go to work this evening, I will be back later this evening.
Cindy
Hey all, sorry for the necro, I guess I just feel it's better than starting the same topic back up again, maybe?
It's just I feel like I want to get the answer to this off my chest and somewhere.
So uh, well anyways, it's hard to say. I've never felt had any moments in childhood like so many people said they did when I denied my physical sex and pronouns, because thats what was said I am and I physically saw it true. Mostly I just felt I wasnt really a girl like the other girls, that I was different. I didnt have a lot of friends, and I had female friends by circumstance, but I would always naturally gravitate towards masculine concepts in society and ideals, and away from things perceived female. This process was gradual since I'd been raised on things like dolls, dresses, and the like, only to naturally steer clear of that as time went on and I gained some recognition of what those things typically presented.
I knew I was a girl of course, because that's just how it was. I didnt think of my gender much though, I was more typically agender back then, I felt male but I didnt quite rely too much on what being a girl meant internally as externally, as the description of myself as a girl was kind of just there, but I didnt feel either of those things. I clearly wasn't a male, and I clearly wasn't female. I don't recall who or what decided on it, maybe after my rejection of feminine clothing, but I quickly earned the title tomboy. And that's what I was most of my life. I didnt quite like the word, but I liked what it implied, that I wasn't quite a girl the way I should be, and yeah even though a lot of tomboys exist and it's silly to think it's some outlier, I still preferred it. I always saw myself in the role of female characters written intentionally masculinely and I loved it. When I began writing I did briefly write as a first person male, but convinced myself it was because as a writer one should learn to write a character that isn't yourself, so as to avoid any judgement I was worried about (while this is true, I cant help but wonder if I just used that as an excuse to repress the idea that I could write a male protagonist from personal experience) For a long time when I was younger online I socially put forth as female, intentionally forcing and asserting my gender to show that despite my attitude and mindset I was a 'girl but not a girl, a different kind of girl'
I guess fast forward to puberty. I actually didnt think much on it at all, as if I never expected it to happen. But suddenly it did and my body felt weirder to me than ever. When my breasts started growing in, I disliked it. It felt very uncomfortable. Over time though I wanted to have some semblance of being 'normal', so despite having a small chest size I wished they were bigger at one point. Only later did I realize (around high school) that it was silly to want something 'normal' that I didnt even want at all. Same goes for the period...I never wanted one and hoped I never would get it, only to realize as I was starting to come of age that it wasn't 'normal' and got paranoid that if I didnt develop right I'd have to go to the doctor and get invasive tests. I eventually did get it, and soon enough wanted it gone again.
Right around high school I started learning about sexuality and gender. I lived a sheltered life and didnt even know what gays were, and I had a vague to absent understanding of transgenders. In high school is when I stumbled upon a webcomic, which featured a character who was initially shown as male, but later shown physically female. This clicked with me so much, I saw myself as the character and it was the closest semblance to feeling like a character I had.
As time wore on I learned more about gender stuff, there's a creative phenomenon called 'genderbending' (or -swapping) in which you make an opposite gendered version of said character, same character and everything, just simply a different gender. This fascinated me because I realized one could be the same exact person, but the only difference is that you're chromosomally/hormonally not the same. I started imagining myself as male, being sexually attracted to the idea of a male version of myself, and feeling better with the idea of being male. When I learned about what trans people were, not so long ago, I was a distant bystander at first but asked myself "I'm not transgender...I'm just a girl who is masculine. Am I transgender?" I wanted to not lump myself in a category of people I didnt understand and if it turned out not to be true, that I wasn't, that I'm just some poser, that I have my mindset wrong. But the allure of it pulled me further in and I began to say I was male by gender but not by sex. (I felt like it was important to differentiate such, because I was not physically male even if I preferred it and didnt want to fool people). When I first referred to myself as male there was a surge of good feeling, that I didnt have to say I wasnt, that at least to myself I could say I was.
To this day I feel like maybe I'm wrong, I'm uncomfortable in my secondary sex traits most times but maybe I just have to accept it. It is what it is.
Of course, when I learned trans people could get hormones and surgery to present more as male, I realized this is something I would want, If I had the choice to I would. And it seems I do. So that's where I'm at
I always knew I wanted to be a boy but I just assumed it was something I would get over and as I got older I'd become like other girls. I also thought every girl wanted to be a boy because of 'male privilege' and because I considered being a guy so much luckier than being a girl. I didn't even know what transgender was until about 14 and that hit me so hard because I realised that this isn't going to go away, then puberty hit me like a ton of bricks lol. I thought puberty was going to make me like girl things and that's what my parents told me. When I'm older I'll get over it. Only made me worse
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I always knew I liked being girly from a very very early age. But I was about 15 or 16 when I knew I was considered 'transgender' otherwise I knew from the age of about 4 when I would dress up in a princess dress at kindergarten :)
Regarding the term "trans" it wasn't in use when I realized that I had a strange attraction to girls clothes. Problem was in the 1950's one couldn't exactly talk about something like that with ones peers or parents or anyone else for that matter. The process of male socialization was in play. Now keep in mind that the stigma attached to these types of feelings were not much different in the '60,'70's or even today in many places and countries. Let's just say I knew that I was different all labels aside (that comes later). I had to wait over 50 yrs. for an adequate explanation. Those experiencing these feelings today have an easier path as far as the info trail is concerned. That's just the way things are in many aspects of social & societal growth.
Hugz!
When I was about 4 or 5 I knew I was supposed to be a girl. Actually I thought I was. I asked my mom to paint my nails like the other girls. She tried to explain I was a boy and I said I wasn't. So she painted my finger and toe nails red.
As I got older I still knew I was supposed to be a girl. At some point I heard about people having sex changes. So I knew it wasn't just me. I don't think I heard the term "transsexual" yet. But I knew a "transvestite" was a man who dressed as a woman. I also realized while similar, it wasn't the same.
Puberty was rough. Luckily I was always small and built more like a girl. By 12 or so I told my mother I didn't want my hair cut any more. By high school it was down to my waste. I used the 70s glitter rock scene as an excuse to wear nail polish and girl's clothes. Surprisingly no one beat me up in high school!
Here I am at 58 just starting this whole process. [emoji53]
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When I was a kid I had these two friends, a Vietnamese girl, and an Arab girl. Both of them would often say they wanted to be boys because their parents' culture appeared to celebrate boys and 'hate' girls - this translated to the girls having to do housework while their brothers didn't, and their parents just seemed to let the boys have anything they wanted and get away with being naughty; naturally my friends resented this, and being girls. I had feminist parents but I still resented the hell out of being a girl. At the time though, I thought I was just like my friends - and the problem was the product of a society 'in love' with men and dismissive of women.
As time went on though, I started to see that society wasn't really in love with men, since it always seemed to make them most responsible for bringing in the money (even in my home) and they were not really allowed to slack off this duty or complain about it. My mother would sit about claiming she was depressed (and having affairs trying to snag a richer dude, as I discovered years later) while my dad worked two jobs to keep us in food and clothes - he could have kicked up some dust about it but he didn't, feeling it was more important to keep his kids fed. My two friends started growing up, and though they still felt women got the crappy end of the stick, they started buying make up and beauty products, dressing fashionably, and hanging out with female friends a lot. They would talk about their boobs as if they were positive things, hoping for them to get a bit bigger and so on. I on the other hand started to notice I didn't want to do any of these things - and I didn't; I refused to wear make up, women's fashion didn't interest me, and the boobs - I thought about how I could possibly cut them off myself at some point, but came to the (wise) conclusion that wasn't doable by myself in my bedroom with an amateur dissection kit. At the same time I never even thought of telling another person about these thoughts. I didn't occur to me another human being would understand what was in my head.
So I saw the dichotomy between cis women and their doubtful feelings about gender roles, but how they still eventually slotted comfortably into them, and my absolute refusal to slot anywhere near a female gender role. This was about age 14 or 15, although much earlier than that I'd already been dissatisfied with other people's explanations of what it was to be 'female'. In some ways my non-conformity wasn't even fully conscious, just a veering away from the things my friends were gravitating towards, because I absolutely lacked interest in any of it. So I knew for sure I was 'different' at that time, but I didn't know the words for the condition. This was before widespread use of the internet and places like this where you can find out almost anything you care to know about being trans. I knew what a "sex change" was (as it was called then) but I somehow didn't make the connection it was something people like me did. I assumed as a child sex changes were for people who were in some way terribly ill, or super rare cases and I had no idea about any of it, so it didn't cross my mind for another 20 years that it was something I could do.
As for relationships - I had almost zero interest in them for a very long time. I could not picture myself with another person even if I was attracted to them because to me I was not a person who was acceptable to myself. I barely felt real. I was interested in sex of course, like most people, but on the mental level the moment I tried to picture myself "with" someone - just blank. I couldn't imagine it. Like there was a black hole where my personhood should be. My parents started to wonder if I was gay, friends started to ask if I was asexual and I shrugged. I had interest in being a normal person, but I knew I wasn't so I just plodded on and avoided having to confront the issue. I turned a lot of people down who wanted to go out with me. When I eventually did get involved with people, it coincided with two things - an immense tiredness with it all and a moment of "what the hell, who cares", and later in a relationship I did care very much about, a feeling of resignation to being stuck in the female gender forever.
Technically I only "knew" four years ago - the words and technical details of my problem. But all my life I've known I felt silly as a female a best, and there were times when I had such a hatred for myself I'm surprised I survived.
It was always the most visible when I wasn't alone and somebody was telling me I shouldn't act a certain way because female. I got used to not looking at myself in the mirror, not referring to myself by any pronoun in my head, so much so that this jerked me out of my nice little mental bubble of non-femaleness. Rather than go deeper into the role of female to try to shake myself out of it like some people with trans conditions do, I always just flat out refused to be categorized. I didn't care if people didn't like me. I didn't care if I was ostracized by other kids. I always flipped the bird to the idea of being what I'm not, but that of course comes with its own price. It's only now I'm realizing the full extent of the damage.