Does this make sense to anyone?

[Jo]

This is my first time posting on this forum, you all seem very nice

So, about 2 months ago, I found out about ->-bleeped-<-, and some things started to make sense. But i'm not wholly sure I can go through a transition.

Basically now, I feel like a genderqueer, I dislike my body, and most things that define a "woman" don't apply to me. I dislike being called a "young woman" or anything referring to my gender. For example, I was working, and someone said "Watch out for the lady cleaning over there". It didn't feel like they were talking about me. My curves, my hair , it just doesn't seem to fit me at all. I'm not the caring, motherly type and the thought of having children scares me.

On the flipside, imagining life as a man excites me. I'd love to walk around shirtless and hang around with other guys, I'd love to be called "he" and "him" and have a boy name. So it seems that i'm a FtM,

But there are a lot of things stopping me from accepting this. I have a large family, a lot of which are religious. I worry about the amount of people that will turn away from me. I have a few friends too, which I'd like to think of as open-minded, but I just don't know how they're react if I told them how I felt. On a broader view, I think about anyone that has ever seen me as a girl and feel guilty, like i'm somehow misleading them.
As well as this, i'm only a teenager. If I did "come out" and start taking action to become a transman, only to realise it wasn't what I thought it would be, I think about how many people will tell me they told me so and I'm worried that even more people will abandon me because of it. Did anyone else have doubts like this? I'm especially worried about being wrong about this whole thing, as anything I will say on the matter will be so...final.

But there are cetain things about becoming a transman that I don't want, which confuses me even more (!). I don't want to pack, I don't want bottom surgery of any kind. If it makes sense, I want to be a man on first glance, but not completely change into one.

Any suggestions or advice as to what I should do would be greatly appreciated 
And if this is all gobbledegook, forgive me. This is the first time i've admitted any of this to anyone.

[Taka]

wow, you asked the question before i could get myself to do it..

i also got to this forum to try and find some answer to pretty much the same problem as the one stated above. any thoughts on the matter?

[Jo]

@explorer- Wow, It's such a big relief just to hear that someone else feels this way I was worried that I was spewing some kind of emotional mess with my keyboard onto this poor forum.
I've been on the fence about posting this for a while, actually, but if it helps someone else, that would be awesome too I hope we both get the advice we're looking for.

Just curious, how long have you been thinking about this? Because there are people on here that have thought about it for years and then there are people like me who have only just dicovered it...

[Padma]

It makes perfect sense to want to be who you want to be, rather than having to choose from a short "official menu". Now that you are waking up to this, make sure you give yourself plenty of time and space in which to sit lightly to it, rather than feeling like you have to make decisions, and choose labels, and act on them. Times of personal insight are very valuable, and it's good to give them a large field to run around in before you break them in and whack on the harness .

There are people here on Susan's with many, many, widely differing senses of self and senses of direction when it comes to gender identity (and whether or not that involves some kind of transition). You should find plenty of people here who have a similar experience to yours, though none will be exactly the same. Welcome!

[Taka]

@jo: i've probably thought about those things since i was 10, that's when my breast started growing and i had to start covering my top in public, as well as my family started taking turns between the men and women in the sauna. before that there had been no difference between the sexes, so i hadn't had any reason to care. i didn't start thinking i might be transgendered before i learned about the phenomenon through a tv documentary some time in middle school, but for the same reasons as you i didn't speak to anyone about it.

then in high school i tried my very best to be the "good girl" my parents raised me as, something which i failed completely, and i ended up with a daughter but no marriage. after that i stopped trying so hard, got into some weird fandoms and re-opened to the possibility that me never having been a typical girl may have some significant reasons that shouldn't be ignored

[JulieC.]

What Padma  said is right on.  Since I couldn't say it that well I won't try.  I would just add that if you're a teenager you've got lots of time to grow into who you want to be.  Seeing a therapist never hurts and a lot of people stop short of having surgery.

[cynthialee]

But there are a lot of things stopping me from accepting this. I have a large family, a lot of which are religious. I worry about the amount of people that will turn away from me. I have a few friends too, which I'd like to think of as open-minded, but I just don't know how they're react if I told them how I felt. On a broader view, I think about anyone that has ever seen me as a girl and feel guilty, like i'm somehow misleading them.
As well as this, i'm only a teenager. If I did "come out" and start taking action to become a transman, only to realise it wasn't what I thought it would be, I think about how many people will tell me they told me so and I'm worried that even more people will abandon me because of it. Did anyone else have doubts like this? I'm especially worried about being wrong about this whole thing, as anything I will say on the matter will be so...final.

But there are cetain things about becoming a transman that I don't want, which confuses me even more (!). I don't want to pack, I don't want bottom surgery of any kind. If it makes sense, I want to be a man on first glance, but not completely change into one.

First concern. Your friends and family. If you come out there is a very real chance that some if not all of these people can turn their backs on you. Now this is not a guarenty but the risk is real. There is a saying amongst us that is 'be prepared to loose everything if you transition'. It sucks but you have to be ready for this if you do transition. I am not trying to scare you off but to make you aware of this. Now many of us are lucky and have retained the majority of their friends and family. (me included) Sometimes those who we expect to support us do not and those we expected to turn away become ou greatest allies. There is no way to know how anyone will react to this until you know.
As for feeling guilty for presenting as a girl. ... That is a prime example of a gender dysphoria  symptom. And it makes sence that you may feel less than genuine considering the circumstances.

As for doubts and youth,
Most of us have had some serious doubt and worry about this. That you have doubt is a good sign that you are sane. The fact that you feel out of place as a girl and the idea of being a male thrills you is anouther prime example of a gender dysphoria symptom. Your youth is no barrier to having GID. However as you just started to come out and find words for these feelings it is a good idea to pace yourself and not rush into anything. Get a gender therapist and do some deep searching. Really dig deep into your heart and mind. Even if you had no issues this would be a good idea. Everyone should conect deep with their own self and needs.

As for not wanting to pack or get surgery. You are not unique in this. Many trans folks have more of a social issue than an issue with their actual genitalia. As only a few people in your life will ever see your genitals it makes sense that this might not drive your GID. If you feel no need for bottom surgery then do not worry about this.
Transition is an individual thing, and not all of us need the same things to feel complete.

[Taka]

As for doubts and youth,
Most of us have had some serious doubt and worry about this. That you have doubt is a good sign that you are sane. The fact that you feel out of place as a girl and the idea of being a male thrills you is anouther prime example of a gender dysphoria symptom. Your youth is no barrier to having GID. However as you just started to come out and find words for these feelings it is a good idea to pace yourself and not rush into anything. Get a gender therapist and do some deep searching. Really dig deep into your heart and mind. Even if you had no issues this would be a good idea. Everyone should conect deep with their own self and needs.

As for not wanting to pack or get surgery. You are not unique in this. Many trans folks have more of a social issue than an issue with their actual genitalia. As only a few people in your life will ever see your genitals it makes sense that this might not drive your GID. If you feel no need for bottom surgery then do not worry about this.
Transition is an individual thing, and not all of us need the same things to feel complete.

even though these words weren't really directed at me, i must still thank you for them. the advice makes sense, so i think i'll try following it and see where i end up

[Nero]

I don't want to pack, I don't want bottom surgery of any kind. If it makes sense, I want to be a man on first glance, but not completely change into one.

I've completed my transition without packing or bottom surgery.