"Successful" Integration and Separation from the Community

[rachel_eliason]

This is a really complex question for a couple of reasons.
The first is that those who aren't involved in the community are going to be hard to find. I don't know how you will find them or get
them to participate in a study.
Secondly it depends on what we mean by community and what it means to be involved in them. for some people community means
the gay bar, club scene, etc. for others it might mean support groups, the local LGBT center, etc. I personally see a really huge advantage
to support groups and/or having a network of trans friends that you can talk to. There are things about being trans that others just don't
understand or can't help us with.
There is also a question of what level of involvement we are talking about. For people living in cities that have larger LGBT communities,
being part of the community might mean living entirely in trans friendly spaces, going only to bars, shops etc that are friendly, working at a
trans friendly job, etc.
That's not an option for me. I live in Iowa and the community isn't that big. I am the only trans person at work. Many of my friends are straight,
cis gender individuals. I find a huge sense of balance in this. I get a lot out of the trans community but I feel empowered by how successful
I have been in living my life in the "real" world of cis gender people.

[annette]

Hi Julie

To answer your question, I'm absolutely not in stealth and I think I have a good job.
I think it is all about the way you present yourself.
I am not a transactivist or hypersensitive about it, I am just me and i don't care what others will think about it.
My co workers know about my past, they accepted it and that's it.
Normally i'm cheerfull and friendly and apperently that's why my co workers like me.
I live in the netherlands, maybe it's more difficult in other countries.
Anyway, i did not have problems with finding a job or disrespect.
Btw, in your avatar you look great, very nice picture.

Hugs
Annette

[Amazon D]

When people first start out they seem to join the community but to me the smart ones see the newbies doing the infighting and jelousy and the new people verses the people who have transitioned longer and are done. It becomes a revolving door with new people always coming in and others leaving. Yes i think its best to move on and just try to somehow fit in the world. However, some just want to hang out at trans bars and clubs and LGBT community centers and well i tried that but the revolving door thing got old and i got tired and realized i better get on with my life. However, i do come to places like this to say hello to old friends and sometimes help one or two new ones.. So its a mixed bag. those who do pass better do try to just fit in the world and well many these days are not even caring about that and so they like the community or just a few family members as skyler mentioned and go on about their lives. I am coming up on 15 yrs and i did pass and legally i am kinda stealth to most in the legal world and i am seen as a FTM by them and not the MTF i actually am.

[Northern Jane]

The difficult part of being part of 'the community' is that it tends to emphasize that I am different from other girls and should therefore carry an asterisk or some other label associated with 'the community'. The effect of my real life, 24/7, is exactly the opposite and is a constant reminder that I am just like every other woman I know.

It can be difficult to associate with 'the community' without the feeling of being "flawed" somehow creeping through into one's sense of self and effecting the rest of life.

[Julie Marie]

The difficult part of being part of 'the community' is that it tends to emphasize that I am different from other girls and should therefore carry an asterisk or some other label associated with 'the community'. The effect of my real life, 24/7, is exactly the opposite and is a constant reminder that I am just like every other woman I know.

It can be difficult to associate with 'the community' without the feeling of being "flawed" somehow creeping through into one's sense of self and effecting the rest of life.

Yes, there is an element of that, that, if it doesn't consciously flow through your mind, it does so sub consciously.  I went over 50 years without a GLB or T friend being in my life (as far as I knew).  I didn't shun them, I just never had the opportunity to meet them.  So if one lives that life then suddenly finds themselves in the middle of this community that was once completely foreign to them, it kind of makes you wonder why am I here now?  And if the "new" friends you have are your friends only because they are in the community, then maybe you're choosing friends for the wrong reasons.

When I came out at work I got the impression many co-workers thought I had this huge group of trans friends.  And when I told them I was clueless about that world until only a few years ago, I got surprise reactions... and they seemed to be put a bit more at ease.

For the unknowing, that's a dark world out there.  Gay was once synonymous with pedophile.  Today, for many, transgender is.  So when people find out you're trans, I think there are some who will place you in that dark world.  They just never knew you were like that.  But if you can separate yourself from that darkness, or even trash your fellow LGBTer, it puts a lot of people at ease.  And maybe in the process, you'll find the mainstream person will be more prone to keeping or establishing a relationship with you.  Though I'm not condoning that action at all.

[noeleena]

HI,

Some things will be different . & i am ,  intersex ,  so no matter,

14 years ago i told Jos i was / am a woman & i would live as one ,

  For me i was part of the community, & was known , still did my building .  the time came to tell every one, what i was going to do,   friends first & then others ,of cause family knew before that time,

just before haveing some surgery in Phuket Thailand i was interviewed & for our Cambell live T V station ,on comeing back i was interviewed for the other part of this  & with a few words from our oldest son,
allso .   closeup our other T V  station interviewed  us as well . so over night it was nation wide , then the Papers up & down our county. & then the net, 287 sites, at the time,

In our community i have been well receved by our people with very few not accepting , im involved with many groups & women only as well. i have worked in my building side of things both as male / female, again with out issues , pretty much were ever i go im accepted .

My difference is people will look at me because my facial features are very male looking . yet im accepted as a woman in my own right, i dress a little different so do stand out. as in my pic  no hair or wig's,   i wear a scarve  & my colour is most of the time of pinks . i dont hide behind make up , a little  lippy & a little eye brow liner due to being bunt on the top of my face, nothing to write home about its just there,

Im a very strong woman with confidence selfworth & self esteem & the guts to stand in front of 1000's of  people both be seen & talk to. with out any fear. 
As to stealth has total no meaning , i am who i am & proud to be me.  different .....oh yes.

People who can accept difference sure have accepted this kid of 63.& i have many many friends.
Most of  my friends have to be women because of our groups are pretty much all women.

If you wont to be accepted then accept your self first others will ,  join in with groups of women or as the case may be men.  have fun & enjoy your life & live it to the fullest,

As to other trans or G L B T groups i dont have contanct  because there are none with in 100 & 130 miles north & south, tho i do have a few trans friends i see now & again , on our forums i have many friends who are dressers & a few trans & intersexed some i have met over the last 4 years, manly in Australia,

...noeleena...

[rachel_eliason]

  I went over 50 years without a GLB or T friend being in my life (as far as I knew).

I've had the exactly opposite experience. I've always had lots of gay and lesbian friends, even before I came out or transitioned myself. I am also a neo-pagan so I know a lot of bi, poly and pan-amorous people. At a recent camp out we had over twenty people and only one straight person.

More on topic, I think one of the problems with this topic is that too many people have a cut or dried approach. Either you are "in the community"; politically active and constantly involved in the LGBT center, going to the gay bar or you are stealth. There are lots of different levels of involvement, from having nothing but trans friends to knowing no one else who is trans.

I think a balance is best, I run support group for trans individuals once a week and I have formed some strong friendships there, but most of the my friends I have met outside the Trans community and I am quite comfortable in "straight spaces".

[Muffins]

The question was supposed to exclude being stealth.  If you're stealth, in theory, no one knows.  So you're just like any other guy or girl out there.

What I'm talking about is people who transition, their birth gender is mostly known and they shun the T community. 

This is an awesome question as it pushes into that idea of the general public lumping us all into the same freak basket then asking the question "if you say you're different to those in that basket will you get a green light of acceptance". gosh it would be nice to think that all you'd have to do is insult other transitioners behind their back to get another rung up the ladder. I get the feeling that even though people stereotype us it really doesn't matter what we do in our spare time and who we consider friends, if this person doesn't "pass" and is know as trans then that is the end of the story, slagging off others won't change a god damn thing. Trans is a trans is a trans! At least in the eye of the general public. I'd say even those that accept those that transition and/or carry the trans label across their faces still consider us different on some level.. they're just "Accepting" and if you say "oh I'm not like them I'm different/better". then most would no doubt be like, in their heads "Orly?".

I personally don't care if some choose to shun others or become a hater of their sisters and brothers. That is their choice and their call to make.. if it works out for them then whatev if it doesn't then ....whatev! People will hate no matter what, regardless of their background. Another hater in the sea of billions of haters ....meh.
I personally loathe being what I am and I've had times where I've felt that self loathing has extended out to others similar to me, but I don't think my own situation gives me a free pass to do that nor do I consider it something to be ashamed of.
Though these days I'm a lot more... "whatev", I'm a freak/delight of nature and I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not. If androgyny is all I can successfully achieve then so be it... THAT IS WHO I AM. If I was going to look away from any brother or sister it would be for being delusional over being "trans".

[Amazon D]

I personally don't care if some choose to shun others or become a hater of their sisters and brothers. That is their choice and their call to make.. if it works out for them then whatev if it doesn't then ....whatev! People will hate no matter what, regardless of their background. Another hater in the sea of billions of haters ....meh.
I personally loathe being what I am and I've had times where I've felt that self loathing has extended out to others similar to me, but I don't think my own situation gives me a free pass to do that nor do I consider it something to be ashamed of.
Though these days I'm a lot more... "whatev", I'm a freak/delight of nature and I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not. If androgyny is all I can successfully achieve then so be it... THAT IS WHO I AM. If I was going to look away from any brother or sister it would be for being delusional over being "trans".

BLESS YOU AND YOU SHALL BE BLESSED

[FairyGirl]

If someone shuns the "community" because they want to disassociate from a painful past, then you cannot really fault them for that.  Not all of us got to transition at age 18 with the full support of family and friends so for many it is simply moving on from a nightmare best forgotten.  Sometimes the so-called hate is directed at our own past rather than those who share it.  I guess I can see how that is seen by some as putting on airs, but it's really not.  I bloody well almost didn't survive and transitioning was scary as hell.  Anyone who does it is very brave and I respect them for that, whether I agree with their politics or not.  Now I readily disclose when it is necessary, like when I applied for my immigration for instance, otherwise it's nobody's business.

I'm neither ashamed nor proud of having been transsexual; it is what it is and will always be part of my past, but if that past was too painful to bear then it doesn't have to be who I am now.  For many I expect that hanging out as part of some active community can only serve as a constant painful reminder of what we narrowly escaped with our lives.  If that offends some who think we owe them something, then they must tell us exactly what it is they think we owe them, and for what?  When is that debt satisfied so that we can move on?

My "community" is where I live and love and have my friends- some are definitely here, and some are elsewhere and have no idea of my past.  It isn't always a cut and dried, black and white, either/or situation, and there is a middle road.  This online group at Susan's extends us not only support, but also a chance to reach out, meet others with similar circumstances, and give and receive help when we and others need it.  I'm certainly glad to have this opportunity, but as for any other "trans" activism, because of my past experience I have no stomach for it.  I don't know if having only minimal interaction makes it easier to integrate into society at large or not, but for some it makes it easier to come to terms with and deal with our own personal circumstances.

[Amazon D]

If someone shuns the "community" because they want to disassociate from a painful past, then you cannot really fault them for that.  Not all of us got to transition at age 18 with the full support of family and friends so for many it is simply moving on from a nightmare best forgotten.  Sometimes the so-called hate is directed at our own past rather than those who share it.  I guess I can see how that is seen by some as putting on airs, but it's really not.  I bloody well almost didn't survive and transitioning was scary as hell.  Anyone who does it is very brave and I respect them for that, whether I agree with their politics or not.  Now I readily disclose when it is necessary, like when I applied for my immigration for instance, otherwise it's nobody's business.

I'm neither ashamed nor proud of having been transsexual; it is what it is and will always be part of my past, but if that past was too painful to bear then it doesn't have to be who I am now.  For many I expect that hanging out as part of some active community can only serve as a constant painful reminder of what we narrowly escaped with our lives.  If that offends some who think we owe them something, then they must tell us exactly what it is they think we owe them, and for what?  When is that debt satisfied so that we can move on?

My "community" is where I live and love and have my friends- some are definitely here, and some are elsewhere and have no idea of my past.  It isn't always a cut and dried, black and white, either/or situation, and there is a middle road.  This online group at Susan's extends us not only support, but also a chance to reach out, meet others with similar circumstances, and give and receive help when we need it.  I'm certainly glad to have this opportunity, but as for any other "trans" activism, because of my past experience I have no stomach for it.  I don't know if having only minimal interaction makes it easier to integrate into society at large or not, but for some it makes it easier to come to terms with and deal with our own personal circumstances.

Your right too and many of us go thru that phase.