Quote from: CindyJames on June 13, 2011, 03:00:10 AM
What is her feeling about you going FT in life generally? Or (please this is not meant to be rude) she will put up with a '->-bleeped-<-' as a BF, but really wants a male BF?
I have written about this in other threads, so if you have a deep curiousity about this, you might look at those. When we were first seeing each other, she insisted that she "did not want to be in a relationship." I came to understand this as meaning that she did not want to be in yet another bad relationship with a man. She's a complex and intelligent person, who unfortunately lacks the education to do a good job of understanding herself. She doesn't understand that the conscious mind is essentially an observer on the rim of a volcano, and that the true thought process is the unseen churning of magma in the volcano. See Also: Incognito : the brains behind the mind, by David Eagleman.
She came from such a strict upbringing that she never even saw her sisters in their underwear. The human body is evil, sex is dirty type of thing. She is not comfortable naked in any context. She has a submerged fear of people looking at her, that comes to the surface in some situations, and when she has been drinking. She spent a lifetime repressing the little part of her that is bisexual. Since she thinks her own pussy is foul, she can't imagine eating somebody else's. Yet her favorite aspects of my body are female aspects, with the one obvious exception. She loves the feel of my skin on her skin and under her hands, and she gets really aroused when I rub my boobs over her body. She also likes the level of control she gets over me by manipulating my breasts. Our foreplay/intercourse ratio is about 4/1, foreplay being time I have my panties on and she stays away from them.
When I am looking hot, it turns her on and she wants me, and feels ashamed of it too. At first we were very affectionate in public, until we were thrown out of and banned from our favorite local bar over the issues of kissing and slow-dancing. Now she is afraid to be seen as a couple in public, which becomes a dance because she can't resist me either. I play, "Do you want to kiss me?" for example.
She says she can't imagine living with me if I wasn't a woman. She loves going to church as an affectionate couple. She says that the only problems she has with me living as a woman are those that stem from society's reaction to me. On the other hand, she has spent her life going-along to get-along, not making waves, avoiding attention,... so there is a part of her that wishes I would present as male in public and live as a woman in private, even as she has a conscious understanding that that would be impossible. She says, "Do you know how much I love you, and how much I sometimes wish I didn't; because you make my life so hard."
To quote one of my favorite songs:
Life is hard. You can't get to heaven on roller skates, and you can't catch a taxicab to Timbuktu. Life is hard.In summary, if she wanted a boyfriend, she had her choice of them for the last ten years when she didn't want to be in a relationship. She had plenty of suitors, and still does. Some of them have reupped their efforts, because they think she is going through a crazy phase. She has had two marriage proposals, over the telephone (duh, guys are so dense), since we have been together - from former lovers, who thought she would come around if they expressed their true(?) feelings. Personally, I think these two guys, one of whom I know, just felt really, really inadequate in losing to a ->-bleeped-<-, and thought they could redeem their pride by winning her back.
I don't know if I answered your question, Cindy. But it has been beneficial to me, to refine my thoughts on this, by discussing it with you and others. Thanks to everyone who participated.
I need to say that before I rip into the arguments made by the next person to whom I am going to reply. I fear that the writing is gonna sound a bit hostile, though it is those particular arguments that I hate, not the writer.
