Therapist appointment today... and flunked it.

[JohnAlex]

So I just feel like beating myself up now...

I had my first appointment with the therapist just a few hours ago.  While I was in the waiting room, I was all ready for this.  I was even thinking of how I would phrase my words to tell him why I wanted therapy, since I knew he would ask.  I want therapy to help with transitioning and to help me get on hormones and eventually surgeries.

I know what I want for sure.

But when I walked in with the therapist, all the sudden I couldn't speak.  I was just so nervous.  I couldn't talk about anything I planned to.  I didn't even tell him I am transgender.  We didn't even talk about that at all.  He would ask me, "So why are you here today."  And after a long silence, I said, "I don't know."

I feel like such an idiot.  I'm not usually that nervous around strangers.  And in fact this was unexpected to me.  Maybe it was because I feel like therapists analyze everything you do or say.  Or maybe it was simply because I have not really talked about my being transgender with anyone in person before. 

Either way, I feel like such a failure.  by the time the appointment was over, I couldn't wait to get out of there.  I just wanted to go to my room and hit myself over the head.

I did make another appointment with him before I left.  The next appointment is in a month.  So basically I have a whole month to keep beating myself up.

Anyone have any suggestions or advice on where to go from here? what to do about this?  how to prevent it next time?


EDIT//:

One more question:

One thing people told me about seeing a therapist is to make sure I feel comfortable with him and want to go back to him, or if I want to see someone else.  And the therapist there today told me that as well.
So what I wondering is how will I know if I want to keep him or not?  Of course, I don't think I can judge him from this one meeting.  But how many meetings do you think it takes? 
Of course I'll know if I don't like a guy.  But if I feel like a therapist is just "fine", should I stick with him?  Or should I try to find someone who is "amazing"?  But at the same time, not looking for someone so perfect he doesn't exist.

[Brendon]

Maybe you should just write it all out and hand that to him? That would at least help start things. After that you'd have to actually talk though.

[Ann Onymous]

First sessions are as much about building rapport as anything else, whether you are there for gender stuff or any other counseling need.  Rare is the instance that someone just pours out everything in the first ten minutes.  It isn't speed dating, but it also isn't dinner and a movie followed by a long walk on the beach...

Besides...if therapy were easy, everyone would be doing it 

[Frank]

I would suggest writing it down for him while you're waiting that month. I did that quite a bit, wrote up to eight pages a few times.  Or just take some paper and a pen or ask for it and make notes as you go along.

[Sephirah]

Like the others have said, write things down over the next month and give what you've written to him next time. You have a whole month to think about everything you want to say. Think of it as an opportunity rather than a setback.

The important thing is that you try to stay pro-active, honey. You're not a failure, not in the slightest. And it's very easy to feel put on the spot. I've been there myself a hundred times, running things over in your head and when it gets to the moment of truth your brain suddenly forgets that it has a connection to your mouth.

*hug* Try not to dwell on it and think instead about what to do differently next time.

[Joelene9]

  Calm down, be yourself.  Do not agendize your visit beforehand.  Most importantly, be honest with yourself.  I was nervous with my first therapist, but I choked as the sessions went on and gave him only vague answers.  My therapist back in the late 70's was not experienced in GID issues and I was not sure my answers would be the proper ones.  There are no improper answers or stories here. 
  Joelene 
 
  Edit: writing down a list helps with the replies before me.

[Alex37]

Don't beat yourself up.  The first time I met with a gender therapist, I knew that's what he specialized in, and I had written down "GID" as one of the things I wanted to talk about.  Still, I choked on the words and barely got them out after skirting around the issue for the first 45 minutes.  It'll get easier.  And writing down what you want to talk about beforehand, and then handing your therapist the letter sounds like a good idea.  Good luck!   

[harlee]

Its really hard to talk about something really emotional sometimes. I have seen 2 therapists and an endocrinologist all of which I have had to explain myself to on the first day of meeting them. Every time I did, I couldnt help but cry and it was really embarrassing and annoying! When I sit in the waiting room Im all happy and confident and when I walk in the room it changes and I get tears

You have a whole month to think about everything you want to say. Think of it as an opportunity rather than a setback.

I agree with this also. Im pretty sure it will get better!

[JungianZoe]

What everyone else said is really good advice... write your thoughts down!

And don't beat yourself up over today because it's not the end of the world.  There will be a next time, you still have this opportunity.  When I first saw a therapist for this, it was at my school counseling center.  I didn't tell her a thing during our 4 sessions.  After winter break, I went back to the center and saw a new therapist, who I reluctantly told during the first session.  And yet, it took 10 minutes to build up to saying those words: "I think... ....  ..  ........ I'm... er... trans?"  That's about how the conversation went.

You'll be surprised how much easier it becomes once it's out in the open.  I talked to that second therapist for three months and waited four months before scheduling myself with a real gender therapist, and it was easier coming out the second time.

So no giving up hope!  Build up your confidence and you'll be able to do it next time.

[Lee]

Yeah, saying it for the first time was definitely the hardest part.  I mentally ran over what I wanted to say, so when he asked I just said my line.  After that he kept asking questions, and I didn't have to initiate much of the conversation.  I know a lot of people have you write out basically why you're there on the intake sheet, so that might work better for you. 

[JohnAlex]

Wow, thank you everyone for the quick and helpful replies. 

I will definitely write down what I want to tell him next time.  Do you guys think I should write it down and email it to him?  or should I write it down and hand it to him in person?  Which do you think is better?  Is there a benefit to one over the other?
I'm sure it would be quick to read.  but what if I chicken out and can't hand him the paper?  I am stupid enough that that could happen.

Yeah, saying it for the first time was definitely the hardest part.  I mentally ran over what I wanted to say, so when he asked I just said my line.  After that he kept asking questions, and I didn't have to initiate much of the conversation.  I know a lot of people have you write out basically why you're there on the intake sheet, so that might work better for you. 

Well I had to talk to an intake guy over the phone so he could set me up with the right type of therapist, and I was able to tell him that I am transgender.  and so I know my therapist today knew what I told the intake guy, but I could tell my therapist was waiting for me to tell him.  He didn' ask me, "Are you transgender?"  because I could have mumbled "yes" to that.   He just kept asking me "why are you here today?" "what do you hope to get out of this?"  And I just couldn't make myself say it.

[JohnAlex]

One more question:

One thing people told me about seeing a therapist is to make sure I feel comfortable with him and want to go back to him, or if I want to see someone else.  And the therapist there today told me that as well.
So what I wondering is how will I know if I want to keep him or not?  Of course, I don't think I can judge him from this one meeting.  But how many meetings do you think it takes? 
Of course I'll know if I don't like a guy.  But if I feel like a therapist is just "fine", should I stick with him?  Or should I try to find someone who is "amazing"?  But at the same time, not looking for someone so perfect he doesn't exist.

[Anon]

Hi JohnAlex, my first therapist appointment was today too! First off I would like to congratulate both of us on taking this big step.

I agree with literally everything everyone else has suggested so far - especially about the first session being the hardest. When he asked why I was there today, I said "So that you can help me get a letter for testosterone." The first appointment is basically just getting background history and organizing your experiences thus far, which can be really difficult to discuss with someone you've never met, or anyone.
I teared up more than a few times talking about my childhood which was really embarrassing but tried to laugh it off.. 
Now that you've been introduced however, it might be easier for you to get it out next time since it's a bit more of a familiar environment.

As for your second question, if there's nothing that really bothers you about this guy I would stick with him for now. You may have to share some really personal stuff, but do you think starting over would make it any better..? You've already passed the first hurdle, it gets easier. Don't beat yourself up at all, but instead use this month as thinking time to narrow down exactly what words you want to use to describe your situation.