Help, I need to understand why I'm trying to ruin my life

[Wolf]

Last night I got super drunk and ended up with alcohol poisoning; something really small set me off with like blind rage, I was just set on a mission to ->-bleeped-<- everything up. So I got home, raided my mum's drink cabinet and got wasted, sent texts to my two best friends to make them hate me, then started hurting myself- cutting myself up, punching walls, screaming like some kind of depraved monster. Then I got more drunk, spent the night throwing up and throwing up, ended up being like water just coming out. Heart was pounding so hard it felt like my chest was going to rip open.

I do this ->-bleeped-<- to hurt myself in every way I can, but I don't know why I want to hurt myself- not completely. My head is clouded, I feel terrible and now, I can't go to the only place I felt good at. Don't know what to do, just want to go out and get lost forever.

[xAndrewx]

No advice just *hugs*

[cynthialee]

Classic trans self hate and self destruction. There seems to be allot of that in our comunity. I did similar stuff for years. 

If there is only one thing I could urge you to do it would be to resist alcohol. You have demonstrated a definate ability to cause yourself serious self harm.
This type of behaivor is a classic red flag for alcoholism. (not that I am saying you are an alcoholic, only you can make that call) Definatly you have a hard time keeping that wall that separates you from self harm when you lower your inhibtions via an intoxicant.
Even if you are not an alcoholic you don't react well to the stuff.

Are you in therapy?



I know what it is like to have the angst drive a person to drugs, alcohol, and some serioiusly stupid and dangerous things.

It takes time to work through the issues that inform this behavior, but the fact that you are here calling for help is a very good sign for a possitive outcome.

[Wolf]

It's happened once before that I've gotten drunk and then caused some serious harm to myself, I have an addictive personality so in my rational frame of mind I avoid these kind of things.

I just wish my friends could see that wasn't me, I need them most now but I pushed them away too... I warned them something was up and I was probably going to do something stupid, but nobody ever remembers or listens when you tell them stuff like that. Not in therapy, just every now and then I have to see this woman who evaluates my ... transness, or something, I thought she was a therapist but all I do is tell her what's been happening, she says cool that's that and off you go.

Thanks for the support, I don't know any trans people in person. Nobody seems to get it, it's all 'you're being impatient' or 'but things are going good now, it's all on it's way'

I have to go on hormone blockers first, as far as I am aware some side effects of that is 'low moods' - for a whole year. Great, sure I'm looking forward to that.

[tekla]

I warned them something was up and I was probably going to do something stupid, but nobody ever remembers or listens when you tell them stuff like that.

That's because you can't pre-excuse yourself for bad behavior.  It just don't work that way.  Plus, if you wrote something to them when you were really drunk it probably has the added burden of being largely true.

[Wolf]

Yeah that's the worst thing, in one case what I said really was the truth. Thing is I knew this was coming, and I'm not in a position to isolate myself from people until I'm safe to be around.
All I could do was warn them and try to get them to understand what was happening in my head.

I have to deny everything though and put it down to drunken madness or nothing will get fixed.  Argh stupid stupid me :p

[Heath]

Okay. I had no idea it was that serious. On Facebook from my perspective it just looked like your average run of the mill "I'm drunk and don't give a damn about spelling and go F yourself" type stuff. Now I see that the issue is way deeper than I thought.  I really need to frequent these forums more often instead of taking a month hiatus.

I've gotten *that* drunk before and it has happened twice to me. One year it happened the day before Easter and the next consecutive year it happened the day after Easter. I was a total wreck....the first time I harmed someone else and made two other people terrified of me. The second time I took it all out on myself and started cutting my arm....I now have a tattoo to cover that arm after years of self injury.

The message that it seems you and I need to be learning from all this? Alcohol ONLY in moderation. Clearly there is a "dark side" to you and I that comes out when grossly intoxicated.

Best thing to do....set a limit for yourself. I go out once a week and I stop after three beers OR two mixed drinks (gin and tonic is my favorite). If I go out more than that, I'll only have fruit juice or water....if I want people to think I'm drinking I'll have a mocktail or a near beer (they have the same alcohol content as orange juice).

It sounds like you're discovering your limits. You're lucky because this time you didn't hurt anyone physically (besides yourself, and even that's not good).

Try to take it easy on yourself and if you ever want to chat about this kind of stuff, you know where to find me on Facebook....

[Thrall]

been there, done that... ended up alone, at night, accidentally cutting my vein while smashing window in an abandoned factory...

i feel your pain and frustration.
if you'd like to talk more about this, feel free to pm. sometimes it's good to talk to someone who's a complete stranger.

[Wolf]

Lol it's cool Heath at least my Facebook rambling was entertaining someone; but I intended to get wasted, it was all part of the 'let's go and fck myself up' gig

BUT the stupid thing is that it's my 18th soon and my mum is dead set on getting me pissed, again, and I really don't bloody want to. You are right, drinking just tears down some thin wall inside me where I put all the bad ->-bleeped-<- and crazy urges.
Still feelin it two days after

[insideontheoutside]

You're lucky you didn't die. Alcohol poisoning can be fatal. I ended up in the hospital once because of it when I was in my self-destruct, I don't care phase. Luckily for me I was with some friends who were less wasted and dumped my ass off at the hospital. Apparently I would have died otherwise. I don't remember anything about that night other than waking up in the hospital and feeling the worst I'd ever felt in my life. I was also coming off stopping anit-depressants too quickly which made me suicidal. Long story short, I owe the fact that I'm here now typing this to my friends who did care enough to check on me. Thing was though, I didn't rely on my friends to check on me. I was just going about causing a wreck of things never even thinking. What you're doing isn't much better than that. Your friends aren't always aware, especially at the age of 17 (or round about). Looking back I did a lot of terribly stupid things and life is much better on the whole now so I'm glad I lived through the stupid.

At the age you are, you have to realize that life has it's ups and downs ... that's never going to change. But you have to ride those like a wave. Learn from the bad, enjoy the good ... know that it won't always be like it is. Life is worth sticking around for and there's absolutely no reason (and no evidence anyone's ever shown me) that destructive behavior is any kind of benefit. It doesn't make you "feel better". It also doesn't make you forget anything or change any realities that simply can not be changed.

If you're aware enough to know that this is bad behavior and you want to live your life better, that's a start. You have to want to stop hurting yourself as well. Accept the things you can't change (or can't do anything about at the moment) and really clue in on the fact that hurting yourself is not going to make anything better and not going to do you any favors. And the only kind of attention that kind of behavior will get you is not really fabulous either.

If necessary, seek out a therapist just to help with the anger/self-harm issues. If you do find it's mostly related to the gender thing you have to find your own way to sort through it. Like I said, some things you can't change/aren't reality, some you can. Strive for the things you can change.

[Alex37]

Sorry man.     I've been there; I used to drink to the point you were at every night.  Fortunately,  posting stuff on FB never occurred to me when I was at that stage.  I did, however, almost destroy my relationship and my ex's sanity.  In my case, it was because I was just beginning to come to terms with my gender identity while I and everyone else in my life was convinced that transgender people are trying to be someone they're not and a bunch of other horrible stuff.  I drank to forget, but that was the only time that the truth would come out.  And I was so scared that it took about 20 shots to get to the point where I wasn't shaking with anxiety.  Of course, the next morning I'd still be riddled with anxiety about being trans, and also about how badly I had ->-bleeped-<-ed up the night before.  I missed some important events too and bailed out on people (once I didn't come back to pick up my ex's band's equipment from a gig. saying they weren't impressed is an understatement- not that I should have been driving in the first place,) and it wasn't fair to the people who had to be there without me.  One night in particular that I know really hurt my ex was when my he managed to wake me up after I had passed out because one of our pets had died, and instead of consoling him or saying good bye, I poured another drink.  So, I've been there. 

I know it's difficult to hear this- it was a tough lesson for me to learn- and I love ya man, but Tekla is right.  Being drunk is no excuse for any behavior.  It's still your decision to get that drunk, and it's still your behavior.  That's why drunk drivers who kill people in car crashes go to jail.  The people don't come back to life when the driver sobers up.  Also, the truth tends to come out when you're drunk.  People know this, and that can make the things you say more hurtful, since they suspect that you weren't being honest with them before. 

It takes time to work through the issues that inform this behavior, but the fact that you are here calling for help is a very good sign for a possitive outcome.

This is true.  It's definitely positive that you're trying to figure out why you're doing this.  I don't have any answers- only you do.  But a therapist could help you figure it out.  Just take one day at a time.  

I have to deny everything though and put it down to drunken madness or nothing will get fixed.  Argh stupid stupid me :p

I don't know your exact situation, but I bet it will work better if you own up to your mistakes and apologize. 

BUT the stupid thing is that it's my 18th soon and my mum is dead set on getting me pissed, again, and I really don't bloody want to. You are right, drinking just tears down some thin wall inside me where I put all the bad ->-bleeped-<- and crazy urges.
Still feelin it two days after

Don't drink then!  It's your choice.  Or just set a limit at two or three drinks, and then as Heath said, drink a nonalcoholic beer or something similar. 

Good luck with everything.  I know how soothing a drink can seem, but it's a temporary solution that causes more trouble than it's worth.    

[tekla]

Being drunk is no excuse for any behavior.  It's still your decision to get that drunk, and it's still your behavior.
Hence cabins in the woods, party rooms, and camping trips.

[Luc]

From the time I was 18 until I was almost 22, I had big problems with binge drinking. I can't tell you how many times I gave myself alcohol poisoning, but it certainly didn't help that I have a naturally low tolerance. I never did have problems with anger while drinking--- rather, it was the drinking that kept me from putting my hand through a wall. This, coupled with the cutting I'd been doing since around 16, was an incredibly dangerous habit, but at the time I figured I was just depressed or f'ed up or whatever, that there was nothing deeper going on.

Since then, I've been diagnosed as type 2 bipolar, and suddenly, it all makes sense. All the times I felt as if I'd die if I didn't drink or smoke something to keep from killing myself, all the angry rants at friends, etc... it made sense in light of the diagnosis. I'm 28 now, drink quite rarely, and am on Prozac to treat my disorder. I haven't cut myself in over 4 years, and my anger has diminished significantly. That said, while Prozac helped quite a bit to quell my mood swings, it was T that finally killed the rage for good.

If you need anyone to talk to, let me know. I typically don't get too offended when someone tells me to go F myself, especially if I know they're having a hard time.

SD

[Wolf]

I hope I didn't give off the impression I was trying to 'deny' any responsibility, like I said at the time everything was on purpose to just fudge everything up. Honestly, I sent most of the hurtful texts before I was drunk...
I've been trying to apologise for my behaviour for the past few days, believe me.

I just thought this was behind me, I haven't done anything like this in a long time and feeling that sense of dread that I've just slipped back, that the progress I thought I had made has all gone.

And I can't get my head straight enough to explain to anyone exactly what is going on in my brain, not that if I was thinking clearly, I would know anyway. I've been through years of counselling and it just always hits a brick wall where the change of attitude just has to come from a resolution within, maybe I'm waiting for that now. Therapy might help, I'm not sure if i have ever had therapy but all the counselling just kinda put me off trying anything like that again when ultimately I know it boils down to me and only me making my own differences.

Thank you all for the outside perspective, drinking could become a problem for me just like any substance could; a hell of a lot of willpower of mine goes into avoiding that path.

And as for the whole posting on FB thing, I said it best when I was drunk : "I don't know why i am on FB must be an ingrained habit, and also for attention just like everyone else, screw you all'' except spelled really really badly.

[tekla]

except spelled really really badly
But of course.  Telephones made drunk dialing possible, but you could really only reach out and insult one person at a time, FB lets you insult everyone all at the same time.  Progress. 

[Squirrel698]

Loony bins get a very negative rap around here but for me it was very positive experience.  They were completely sympathetic and understanding of my trans status.

My stay and subsequent group therapy was exactly what I needed.  It made such a huge difference in how I felt, responded to people and looked at life.  Something like that, all inclusive, is much better therapy than a once a week counsellor.       

Either way you should seriously forget the stigma and go on medication.  Seriously your behaviour is not normal and not healthy.  You and your future are worth taking care of yourself.