Finally Expressing Myself

[madirocks]

Hello,

I've never told anyone "really" about myself and how I've felt about who I am. It's been a issue I've dealt with even since I was a child. Growing up, at least until I hit 17, a lot of people weren't sure whether or not I was a boy or girl. I think that problem in itself has a lot to do with me being confused about myself. Just to put this out there, I am a guy. But, I've always wondered if maybe the people are right. Maybe I really am meant to be a girl.

To this day, I have tried very hard to fit in correctly. I do everything a guy would normally do, and even go beyond the normal in most occasions. I've played mostly contact sports (even rugby), developed a love for cars and even worked on my own, dated a lot, and I've been in numerous hard rock bands. Still, people assume I'm not straight. Which is strange, because I most certainly am, but I think it's largely due to how I look. I can't gain weight no matter how hard I try, I have small hands, small feet, and in general can't look like a normal guy. I try to put on a badass persona, but when I'm excited I have a tendency to sound very feminine, which I've tried to break but haven't been able to. I don't know what the hell is up with that. 

I feel like I'm trying really hard to be something I'm not, and can't possibly ever be. I pretend to enjoy so many masculine things, but on my own I love fashion, design, and composing music.

The problem is, I don't know where to go from here. My family is very very close-minded, and I know it's something they'd never be able to deal with if I told them how I really felt. Especially since they've been on me for years now to get married. Also, there are so many other people looking up to me. I'm very well respected at my church, by my friends, the people I'm in-charge of at work, and former business partners.

Again, this is something I've never told anybody. But, I don't think I can hold it in anymore. 

*Edit* I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, I didn't know where else to put it.

[A]

The "most right" place would be "Introductions", but here is perfectly fine .

I think the first thing you should do is clarify what you think you are - or should be.
Do you think you are a guy who likes girly things? Do you think you're a guy who would like to crossdress?
Do you think you're a girl who wouldn't mind remaining in a male body? Do you think you're a girl who would want to partly change her body?
Do you think you're a girl who would definitely want to be as fully female as possible?

Then, I believe the first step would be therapy. There you could clarify this, then come to terms with accepting your own answer. When you are, you should tell your family
and friends how you feel and try to make them understand and accept you.

Everything starts somewhere, and I think the start for you would be to clarify. If you feel you would like to be as female as possible, look into transition options
and see if you feel like they are for you.

I hope I helped.

(PS: Sorry about the many "enters". The forum has a weird bug and doesn't automatically make new lines so I can't see what I'm writing. [yeah the
writing area is kinda infinite].

[madirocks]

thank you for the advice! I believe I know what to do, but I'm very much afraid of the consequences.

[A]

People here will always be happy to help you with advice. But as I have said, therapy should help you a lot to come to terms with everything and the consequences. Plus, it's pretty harmless:
you don't need to tell people why you're seeing a therapist. It could be for self-esteem, a death, a little down, etc.

And doing some reading may help you too. I recommend http://www.tsroadmap.com/index.html <- this site as a starting guide. It's very useful. Read some testimonies of people with a background similar to yours. It cannot hurt.

[justmeinoz]

As regards the family and seeing a therapist I'd "tell 'em nuthin' and take 'em nowhere."  Confidentiality is the name of the game, and if they are not interested in listening to you now, they don't deserve to know more.

As 'A' said, a therapist can help you work out where you are on the TS/TG spectrum, and offer options on how to proceed.  Main thing is not to get too hung up on labels, as a lot of us here have noted how we change over time. Hell I have flip-flopped like a mudskipper at times!

Karen.

[madirocks]

Thank you so much for the advice, it's greatly appreciated. And a funny thing is even after expressing myself on here I feel a whole lot better. I've always felt I've needed to keep quiet about it, and that I was alone and absolutely insane. There's hope for me yet! Unfortunately, therapy will likely have to wait for a long time, because I will certainly get fired if anyone found out why I was at therapy.

[A]

If you don't tell anyone, no one will know. You don't need to have a gender-specialised therapist. No therapist (or THEY would lose their licence) will ever reveal anything
about their patients, unless:

-Their life is in immediate danger [confessions of a near suicide plan]
-Someone's life is in immediate danger [confessions of a probable rape/murder]
-The police requests it with a VERY special paper with a special inquiry.

It should be really safe.

[Morrigan]

I couldn't agree more with the others, seeing a therapist is going to be the next step if you need to go anywhere. The alternatives are staying in ignorance or going down a painful path of secrecy. If you don't seek professional help, and just vent your concerns, nothing will be done about it. If you decide something like transition is your goal, you'll need professional "rubber stamps" to pave the way, self-medicating is dangerous and should be unnecessary.

[jamie nicole]

I defininately agree with seeing a therapist first and foremost.....from there you can discover who you really are.  If anyone asks why
you're seeing a theraist, just say "depression"....seems to be alot of that nowadays!
I wish you nothing but the best of luck! 

[jamie nicole]

Thank you so much for the advice, it's greatly appreciated. And a funny thing is even after expressing myself on here I feel a whole lot better. I've always felt I've needed to keep quiet about it, and that I was alone and absolutely insane. There's hope for me yet! Unfortunately, therapy will likely have to wait for a long time, because I will certainly get fired if anyone found out why I was at therapy.

the only way anyone would discover the reason you were in therapy is if you told them.  Medical professionals, by way of the HIPAA law,
are not permitted to disclose information on their patients without your consent...but as A said, exceptions are imminent danger and court order.
But, trust me on this.....if you really feel trapped in the wrong body the absolute worse thing you can do is let it linger. Many of us have
similar stories in trying to supress feelings of femininity.....doing macho things like going into the army, marines, playing football,
working on cars....guy things.

[Kristin]

I think the first thing you should do is clarify what you think you are - or should be.
Do you think you are a guy who likes girly things? Do you think you're a guy who would like to crossdress?
Do you think you're a girl who wouldn't mind remaining in a male body? Do you think you're a girl who would want to partly change her body?
Do you think you're a girl who would definitely want to be as fully female as possible?

Seems like some of the questions I'm asking myself.

I think I may know some of the answers. Doesn't mean I'm entirely happy with them. Given the consequences, I think I'm trying to "go as far as I can without hitting those consequences," then evaluate things. If I'll be happy there, then there is where to stop. If I won't...the answers are tougher.

[madirocks]

again, thanks for the advice. the past few days have been very eye opening for me. i decided to purchase "the gendered self: further commentary on the transexual phenomenon" yesterday, and i've read most of it. the first few chapters made me feel like the book was written directly at me. which, is a good thing to a degree because what i've thought for so long was me being crazy, now shows it's something quite different. but, it was also very hearbreaking for me. as you all stated; i need to see a therapist, like now. otherwise things will get even worse down the road, and i'll just end up forcing myself to do things that will be really harmful for me (ie marriage). that also means for me that my life is going to change very soon, as well as for all of my friends and family. that's what's breaking my heart. for so long i've felt that it was a mental issue that God could sort out for me, but i was horribly mistaken.   

i'll be very honest, and i'm quite worried that people i work with will read this, but i'm in the military (hey there's that me being macho thing again). i've been reading horror stories of people going to therapy for it, and what ends up happening to them. but, i don't think i can hold it in anymore, and i'm pretty sure everyone already knows (to some extent).

[A]

There are more and more stories of people transitioning inside the military. I am sure you can sort it out.

[April Dawne]

Welcome to Susan's! Whatever you decide, the goal should be to better know and understand yourself, and this site-- along with others-- can go a long way in helping you figure that out.

I'll put it out there also that transition isn't necessarily the answer. What I mean is, what if you just stopped trying to prove how manly you are (the overcompensation stuff you mentioned) and just be you? If that means you are a softer, more gentle and feeling male, then good. There's nothing wrong with that either, and simply letting go of some of the pretenses can alleviate your inner quarrel so that you can continue with life more comfortably. Transition isn't a magic solution for solving problems, and if undertaken for the wrong reasons ca actually make things worse. I'm not trying to be a "nay-sayer" but would like to point out the extra option. It's something to explore at least.

[madirocks]

thank you april! i actually used to act like you said, which landed me in a ridiculous amount of contact sports (thanks to my dad) and almost had me kicked out of my home because i had "homosexual tendencies." my persona changed to the "tough guy" image that i kept for quite a few years, including the way i dressed. in my early 20s i went back to my somewhat normal personality, and was fired from my job and kicked out of the house i was renting... within one day. so yeah... 

i spoke with my oldest brother a few hours ago. i trust him more than anybody else i know. he's been there with me through parent's divorce, and a whole lot more. of everyone in my family he's who i have hidden from the most. so, i decided i needed to at least get his support, if not anybody else's. i thought of possible conversations for at least a week, going over and over in my mind how he would react or what he'd say/ ask. but, i mustered up the courage to finally tell him.

so yes, spoke with him a few hours ago, and the conversation didn't go at all like i hadn't expected. i was expecting a little bit of confusion, or at least a few questions. his only response was "no worries, just live the life the way you ought to live it. stop trying to be something you're not." needless to say it went very well! he was very encouraging to me, which actually made me wonder if he had any clue what i was saying, but he did. i understand that many don't have such an easy time with telling their family, and i'm glad i lucked out to have such an amazing brother. i wish i had talked to him about it years ago.

also, found a few numbers today to call, which i will do and arrange appointments hopefully this week. i definitely want to better understand possible solutions for this.

[Morrigan]

Why didn't you say so earlier about the military?! If you need help on legal advice, pm me and we can discuss some regs. One thing I do need to stress is that most branches can penalize you for not disclosing changes in medical status (being seen by a civilian facility and not supplying documents to medical records holders, informing chain of command etc), it's really a very grey area on purpose because they prefer having that control. However, if you're in the military for the benefits of GI Bill etc, disclosing your status to them will in most cases lead to a discharge that strips you of those benefits. Seeing a tricare funded doctor/therapist is generally not so safe unless you aim to get discharged.

It's great that you're finding loved ones that understand you. Friends are what keep me going, and with their continued support I'm going to hold off until separation from the military before I continue transition assistance (I like my benefits).

[madirocks]

Why didn't you say so earlier about the military?! If you need help on legal advice, pm me and we can discuss some regs. One thing I do need to stress is that most branches can penalize you for not disclosing changes in medical status (being seen by a civilian facility and not supplying documents to medical records holders, informing chain of command etc), it's really a very grey area on purpose because they prefer having that control. However, if you're in the military for the benefits of GI Bill etc, disclosing your status to them will in most cases lead to a discharge that strips you of those benefits. Seeing a tricare funded doctor/therapist is generally not so safe unless you aim to get discharged.

thanks for telling me. yes, i've only stayed in for as long as i have for the gi bill. i setup an appointment today for friday. so, if telling them how i felt will get me discharged, what do you suggest? i was already planning on getting out next year, depending on whether or not i can find a job that is. 

edit; then again i'm not sure how i'd afford a psychotherapist when i do get out. i can say this for certain though, it's getting harder and harder to talk with people.

[Diane Elizabeth]

                           I can relate to what you are goiing thru with the military.  I was in the Army for 20 yrs, Got married, kids. divorced, remarried kids, divorced.  And now free (sort of).  I  hid in the Army from what I didn't understand and did a lot of macho stuff as a guy.  I did draw a line at hunting.  I am almost 60 and have only been transitioning for a short time.  I wish I had learned about myself sooner so I could have enjoyed life more.  I am not fulltime yet.  Working towards it. 



                           Yes, there is a stigma in the military about the macho comraderie.  There is the fear even with DADT policy.   It will continue even if the GLBT policy was wide open and allowed.  The homophobic atmosphere will take many years to bring down.    It has to start with teachiing kids in grade school that it is okay to be different.  So that by the time they grow up there is more tolerance and acceptance.   

                            I feared going to a therpist while in uniform.    Word gets out.  Someone sees you going into the clinic.    Or comming out of one.    There are very few secrets in a small tight community like a millitary unit.     After living with my feelings buried for most of my adult life  I didn't let out my pandoras box until I was in my mid 50's .  My kids are all grown.  Even some of my grandkids are grown.  One just went in to the USMC.

                             I have learned that this had affected my self esteem over the years so I am working on that now.  Believe it or not I am getting accpetable help thru the VA Hospital.    I have run into a few  Drs there that don't accpet me.  I no longer see him. 

                              My biggest regret was not getting rid of the facial hair before it turned gray.  Now it is all electrolysis for me.  It is painful to say the least.  Takes longer and costs more.    When I was in I didn't know about laser hair removal.  I would have done that while still in uniform.  I hated the facial hair and wasn't allowed to have a beard anyway.   

                               Not knowing more details of your miltary career it is very difficult to tell youo how to proceed in regards to them.  If you want to talk more feel free to PM me anytime.    What ever direction you go in I hope the best of luck to you.

[Morrigan]

If you're seeking help for something such as depression, they can still be helpful, so long as you don't lead them down the path to believe you're transgendered.

Paying for help after you get out is easier than you think. This month the VA revised its stance on gender care, and all facilities have been directed to do so without discrimination or disclosure.

http://www.va.gov/vhapublications/ViewPublication.asp?pub_ID=2416

[madirocks]

If you're seeking help for something such as depression, they can still be helpful, so long as you don't lead them down the path to believe you're transgendered.

Paying for help after you get out is easier than you think. This month the VA revised its stance on gender care, and all facilities have been directed to do so without discrimination or disclosure.

http://www.va.gov/vhapublications/ViewPublication.asp?pub_ID=2416

thanks morrigan! this really helps me a lot with understanding what to do next and putting together a roadmap of sorts. i'll cancel the appointment this week. i've held in my feelings for over 20 years, i'm sure i can hold them in for a bit longer.  although i may get uglier lol.