I don't know whether to post this here, in the S.O. forum, or in a couple of other places. My mind is jumbled and it took some courage just to write this here.
This week, I watched the very sad, but well done, "Two Spirits" documentary. As people described their views of their place in gender, I kept thinking, "Wow, I can relate to that."
I'm concerned first for my wife. I've always identified here as an SO, as my wife has had the experience of walking a difficult path through gender, to get to the place where she is today. I've learned a lot about gender through this relationship, albeit as an SO. What I don't want is for her to feel that I'm minimizing or trying to rule over her life and struggles. And I'd rather live without being free than to hurt her in any way. I'd love to hear thoughts on ways I might be able to honor her and my own identity simultaneously. I haven't talked about this with her yet, but I'm sure she is not hung up on me being 100% masculine (heck, until we met each other she considered herself lesbian and was most definitely not looking for a man...maybe that too says something...). On the other hand, it's because I got to learn about gender that I've been able to ask myself, "What am I?"
I'm generally happy with my body - what I'm not happy with is typical male things. I don't like my scrawny limbs or my beer gut, but I'm happy with my body being male. I enjoy being in a man's body. But at the same time, I don't think my mind is 100% male. Now I've talked with plenty of people at times and mentioned that I don't think anyone is 100% male or female (and I stand by that), but I'm starting to wonder if the reactions I got to that might be because my life would be very foreign to others who identify as men or women, and feel comfortable in those categories. It seems to be a hard thing for people to understand that you can feel caught in the middle.
I've never been comfortable socially as a male. I just don't fit in with a group of guys. I can't think of a male social activity that I actually enjoy, although I've forced myself through far too many sports games and other "male" things. Yet, put me in a group of women, and I can relate and enjoy myself - I can understand the social dynamics of that. I want to watch the talk-shows and create something with the sewing machine. I couldn't tell you who won the Super Bowl, nor do I particularly care (although I'll enjoy the commercials!). I know these all sound like trivial things - and they are - but they are the examples that first come to my mind.
Unfortunately, I've always pushed those "feminine" things away (yes, I know plenty of masculine people enjoy them too), and tried to be a "man". But I'm not a man. There, I said it: I'm not a man. I'm not a woman either though. I don't know what I am, and I don't know how I'll fit into the world. How do you live as neither? Is there something *I AM* rather than just things I am *NOT*?
Part of my struggle is that I also don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to live as neither and both. I don't know how to be free. I'll probably regret this post tomorrow when I'm more awake...we'll see.

Be gentle to this tender spirit, please!