Am I free?

[ToriJo]

I don't know whether to post this here, in the S.O. forum, or in a couple of other places.  My mind is jumbled and it took some courage just to write this here.

This week, I watched the very sad, but well done, "Two Spirits" documentary.  As people described their views of their place in gender, I kept thinking, "Wow, I can relate to that."

I'm concerned first for my wife.  I've always identified here as an SO, as my wife has had the experience of walking a difficult path through gender, to get to the place where she is today.  I've learned a lot about gender through this relationship, albeit as an SO.  What I don't want is for her to feel that I'm minimizing or trying to rule over her life and struggles.  And I'd rather live without being free than to hurt her in any way.  I'd love to hear thoughts on ways I might be able to honor her and my own identity simultaneously.  I haven't talked about this with her yet, but I'm sure she is not hung up on me being 100% masculine (heck, until we met each other she considered herself lesbian and was most definitely not looking for a man...maybe that too says something...).  On the other hand, it's because I got to learn about gender that I've been able to ask myself, "What am I?"

I'm generally happy with my body - what I'm not happy with is typical male things.  I don't like my scrawny limbs or my beer gut, but I'm happy with my body being male.  I enjoy being in a man's body.  But at the same time, I don't think my mind is 100% male.  Now I've talked with plenty of people at times and mentioned that I don't think anyone is 100% male or female (and I stand by that), but I'm starting to wonder if the reactions I got to that might be because my life would be very foreign to others who identify as men or women, and feel comfortable in those categories.  It seems to be a hard thing for people to understand that you can feel caught in the middle.

I've never been comfortable socially as a male.  I just don't fit in with a group of guys.  I can't think of a male social activity that I actually enjoy, although I've forced myself through far too many sports games and other "male" things.  Yet, put me in a group of women, and I can relate and enjoy myself - I can understand the social dynamics of that.  I want to watch the talk-shows and create something with the sewing machine.  I couldn't tell you who won the Super Bowl, nor do I particularly care (although I'll enjoy the commercials!).  I know these all sound like trivial things - and they are - but they are the examples that first come to my mind.

Unfortunately, I've always pushed those "feminine" things away (yes, I know plenty of masculine people enjoy them too), and tried to be a "man".  But I'm not a man.  There, I said it: I'm not a man.  I'm not a woman either though.  I don't know what I am, and I don't know how I'll fit into the world.  How do you live as neither?  Is there something *I AM* rather than just things I am *NOT*?

Part of my struggle is that I also don't know how to proceed.  I don't know how to live as neither and both.  I don't know how to be free.  I'll probably regret this post tomorrow when I'm more awake...we'll see.    Be gentle to this tender spirit, please!

[Nicole99]

good post. it is really hard living in the grey. But there are a bunch of people here who do it. You can find them in the Androgyne section, you are in the right place. I think you should feel free to explore your gender. talk to her about it, I think she will understand.

What we are talking about here is a gender identity really, something you are now questioning. Behaviour is just how you express yourself. Like someone who feels they are a man can put on makeup and still be a man. Gender identity does not dictate your behaviour.

It is interesting you say your partner identified as a lesbian. In my experience, gender queer people (and I use this term very losely to mean any one who breaks the gender mold) are often attracted to gender queerness in others.

It is ok to push fem things away if they are not you. It could be your own lack of internal acceptance at work though, like it feels wrong to you.

So how to proceed. My suggestion is to allow yourself to explore, clothing, activities, get your ears pierced, try some clear nail polish, whatever catches you fancy. Keep talking, researching and questioning.

Good luck! you're ok, no need to panic, i would not hide your questioning from your partner. It is part of you, and they can support you.

[Laurry]

Hi Slanan!

I agree with Nicole.

This is the right place to ask those questions.  Welcome to our little corner of the world. 

Many of us don't feel to be male or female.  Some feel like they are a blend of each, some both at the same time, some fluctuate around the gender spectrum, while still others are none-of-the-above.  Only you can say exactly where you fit in.  Don't feel as if you have to fit any predetermined role.  Be yourself, whoever and whatever that is.

Also, don't be afraid to change your mind.  How we identify ourselves often changes as we learn more about gender and about what honestly makes us the most comfortable and happy.

I would encourage you to read through the posts here.  If you can get past the silliness we often fall in to, you may find things you can relate to. 

Don't be afraid to ask questions.  We all are on the journey to be our true selves.  Some have been on the path a while, and many others are exactly where you are.

As far as your wife, only you know how you believe your wife may react.  One way to help gauge that reaction is to talk with her about her gender issues.  You could then mention that the more you have learned about gender, as you've tried to support her along her way, has raised some questions about yourself that you would like to explore.  Who knows, maybe she was right all along when she identified as lesbian...maybe she was at least partly right.  In any case, I would encourage you to discuss these questions with her.

In any case, relax.  It's not the end of the world...it's the beginning.  As you open yourself to possibilities, regardless of whether any of them happen, you are free to actively chose your direction in life, not just be carried along with the current.

.....Laurry












 

[Nero]

Hi Slanan,

I think there are probably a number of non transsexual folk who feel this way. And oddly, a lot of SOs of transsexuals seem more in a position to realize this kind of thing about themselves. Probably because most people are never in a position to examine gender at all.
Good luck in your exploration, hon.

[ToriJo]

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I talked a bit with my wife and let her know my confusion.  She's a lot wiser than I am, as she listened and let me know that it's my life to live - but that she'll of course be there.  If the situation were reversed, I likely would have stuck my foot in my mouth.  That's one reason why I admire and love her.    It's hard to talk about this with even her, but at the same time I know she's there for me.  As hard as it is to talk to someone who is loving and who understands that gender isn't black and white, I can only image the pain others have faced with this.  It's hard to talk to a someone who will react well - my heart is with those who have people who won't react well around.  They are my heroes - strength beyond comprehension.

I'm trying to give myself permission to *BE ME*.  It's hard - I've spent a lot of time being someone else, so it's hard to drop the act even in a really safe place.  But I'm trying to, at least where I'm around people who care and love.

Thanks for putting up with the rambling posts.  Being honest with others about who I am is new to me.

[VeryGnawty]

I'm trying to give myself permission to *BE ME*.  It's hard - I've spent a lot of time being someone else, so it's hard to drop the act even in a really safe place.

Everyone feels that way.  Some people spend their entire lives building a castle around the myths of masculinity and femininity, only to learn that nothing is really gendered except for themselves.  The problem is that knowledge is not the same thing as action.  Even when the myth is gone, the castle remains.

[tundra]

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drawbridge for the moat.

castles are cold.


i am working on a moat myself.

[VeryGnawty]

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drawbridge for the moat.

I see a bridge, but no draw.  It should look like this:


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|*\
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          \
            \
              \
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[tundra]

My ASCII skills are lacking

I see a bridge, but no draw.  It should look like this:


__ 
|*\
      \
        \
          \
            \
              \
                \
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[soulfairer]

Hi, Slanan. Feel free to read and explore. As some said, it's sometimes hard living in the grey. I am an example of that, in some ways. I'm male, male-bodied, but want to be in the middle of the paths. I told some people aspects I'd like to share about my "doubts" (even they appear today more of certainesses than doubts, and they almost always will not be exact answers). Finding those people within your friends probably is a good task to start with.

Good luck in your journey

[Kendall]

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I talked a bit with my wife and let her know my confusion.  She's a lot wiser than I am, as she listened and let me know that it's my life to live - but that she'll of course be there.  If the situation were reversed, I likely would have stuck my foot in my mouth.  That's one reason why I admire and love her.    It's hard to talk about this with even her, but at the same time I know she's there for me.  As hard as it is to talk to someone who is loving and who understands that gender isn't black and white, I can only image the pain others have faced with this.  It's hard to talk to a someone who will react well - my heart is with those who have people who won't react well around.  They are my heroes - strength beyond comprehension.

I'm trying to give myself permission to *BE ME*.  It's hard - I've spent a lot of time being someone else, so it's hard to drop the act even in a really safe place.  But I'm trying to, at least where I'm around people who care and love.

Thanks for putting up with the rambling posts.  Being honest with others about who I am is new to me.

The grey is rewarding for those that feel right, comfortable, and at home. Society doesn't always like the grey. They tend to like the binary. Any friends that support you are real gems.

Feel free to explore things for yourself.

kendall

[Kinkly]

Being true to who you are whatever that is can seem very hard to start with but once you start being you it is amazing how good it feels and hiding your true self becomes impossible when before it was second nature with support (sounds like you have that) you are very lucky and the early scary hurdles won't be nearly as scary.
good luck at finding your true self.

[Sevan]

Lots of deep breaths and gentleness! I know we work so hard to live in the binary. Some have learned to punish ourselves with either harsh words or actions (all toward ourselves) for not "behaving correctly" and that is really hard to undo.
Just as your wife deserved (and still deserves!) gentleness, support and understanding, so too do you. We should all have the freedom to explore ourselves and know ourselves as well as we can.
My wife is transsexual as well and in looking for ways to support her I ran across an androgyn forum and prompty flipped my lid. OMG I'd found....me! It was scary, and not what I was even looking for but...it fit and I couldn't ignore it.
My wife is both trans, and the spouse of someone who's trans. These are two separate things, and both require processing and communication! It's not always an easy process, there's growing pains but growing into a more authentic self is always worth it.
As for "what now" well my dear...that's one of the toughest bits about being in the unicorn forest. There's no path per-say. We're free to wander the forest however we see fit. You may feel the need for gender therapy to sort yourself out and perhaps look toward hormones (or no hormones and just sorting/talking) you may not feel the need for therapy in this time at all. Just remain open and gentle and be you. Whatever, whoever that might be.