transition has come to a hault

[JenJen2011]

I started my transition in 2005 but I feel my transition has been on pause since 2008. I mean, I've been on hormones since 2005. I've been able to complete electrolysis. I've had my name legally changed and even the M changed to F on my drivers license. I've had a couple procedures. And I've been living full-time as a woman for 4 years now.

But lately I've been getting depressed. I feel down. Sometimes, I don't want to walk out of the house. I don't know what to do or what to think. That's why I'm venting here. I need some words of encouragement or something. 

I'm sure you're asking yourself, "so, what's the problem"? Well, even though I know I've come along way, there's still a couple things I have not accomplished that are extremely important to me. FFS and SRS. Since 2008, nothing much has really happened and what's holding me back is the money.

I was unemployed for a few years and just started working again a year ago. I work a 9-5 and earn only as much to pay bills. I'm not rich and I feel as though the money needed for FFS and SRS is nearly impossible for me to save up. I hate not being passable. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I just feel awful.

Maybe I'm being selfish. I don't know. All I know is that I just want to be happy.

[spacial]

Firstly, get the idea, that you are being selfish, out of your mind. You're not selfish. You're frustrated and with good reason.

Now, what to do about it.

Find the money is the first suggestion, but since you clearly have already tried and know better than anyone, how next to impossible that is, you need a second suggestion.

The next suggestion is to change your priorities.

Like a lot of others here, my transision is also frustrated, but at a much earlier phase. Infact, the stage I'm at is the mental awareness stage, about the same I was at when I was a child.

It's too easy to look at the reasons and suggest that, you could have done this or that. With hindsight I could have entered a certain set of numbers on a lotterticket and won £100 million, not so very long ago, but everyone is wise with hindsight.

It's about looking at how far you've come, not how much further you have to go. That's the different priority. In a way, it's about being half full, rather than half empty. It's about attitude. Attitude toward yourself. Respect for who you are and what you've achieved. What you contribute. Those people around you whose lives are possibly better because you're here.

I'd say you're doing pretty well by the sound of it.

[jamie nicole]

your story and my story could be twin sisters! My own transition began in 2001 with therapy and Feb 2002 with E.  I made my plan and set my goal.  Labor day 2002, my employer closed down.  I found new employment but went from $80k/year to about $35k/year and I was very distraught!  My plan and goal fell apart and I had to reset them.  Although I've had many setbacks, detours and roadblocks, I never lost site for the end of the tunnel.  My own surgery is coming 6 years after my initial goal.  Look at your finances, decided what you really need and where you could make cuts and save....you'd be surprised at how much you can save each month.
Hang in there!!

[JessicaH]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You sound pretty down and I can't blame you for feeling that way. You may want make sure you have ENOUGH T so that you have the energy and mood to do what needs to be done. Do what you can for now with diet and exercise which increases your mood and energy.

It's not fair but being passable helps a lot with employability, promotions and raises.  I would focus on the most important FFS procedures that will benefit you and do one at a time as you can afford them. As you get done you may be able to increase your income to help with the next thing in line. Personally, if it meant passing or being stuck in limbo, I would max out every card and line of credit to be passable. I'd rather be in debt up to my eyeballs than get stuck in the middle.

The best thing about a standard 9-5 is that it is easy to work another job or business around that schedule. It sucks to work 60-70 hours a week but if that s what you have to do then do it. Even at minimum wage and 20 hours a week you cold make $7,600 or so in a years time.

My apologies to anyone who may get offended by my statements. It's just my personal opinion based on the reality of the world I observe. 

[Vicky]

EHHHHH???

Living four years full time!! -- Not passable???  Null return on string process!!  Beep Beep!!

It seems possible that some of your problem is that you have attained about 85% and are looking for the closure, but it may also be that you have closed the first major part of your program down and the depression is linked to empty space that the closure left.  You seem to be successful other than the money, but now the money is taking up the space in your mind left by the earlier project's fulfillment.  You wanted a house with luxurious stone facing, but its got wood siding on it for now.  You need to play the lottery once a week whether it is for money or just other things to do to keep your mind occupied.  Certainly, focus on bettering your job chances for the sake of getting money, but the more you stare in the mirror, the worse it will get.  Get out and see what you can do to HELP other people who will see the help and not the smashed in nose, or the anvil jaw line.  It could even GIVE you an idea about how to budget and afford the surgery.  Cut them into two separate projects and they will seem more manageable.  Let others fill your thoughts, and there will be people to do that, and they will love you as you are which will take the stress off of you.  Selfish, not on the whole, a little too self centered at the minute --- you tell me!!

[inna]

You are absolutely justified in feeling depressed. Our goal is that some day, (and everyone wants it ASAP but only some are fortunate to have founds) we will, without any doubt be taken as a genetic female. I suppose for those few who joy in controversy, non passability may be OK but I know that my transitions goal is to finally be a woman, something that eluded me for 44 years. And after years of HRT and living as a woman you have an absolute right to want the pinnacle of our quest. Unfortunately I don't have a solution for you other than words of sympathy, money is scarce and some are getting by while others such as I, even have a problem to just get the basics down. I know that my reveal 4 months ago and loss of everything material I have possessed put me in a downward spiral with depression luring in the shadows. I am fighting to stay transitioning, I gave up everything to get to this point, so to give up would be just ridiculous. I only hope that because we need such help in FFS and SRS our pure want and focus will allow for opportunities to open up. Don't give in babe, cry a little, dream a little and we will come through this and get what is rightful at the end.