Learning to Cope

[SOofaCD]

Early into our relationship, my fiance told me that occasionally, for sexual grtification, he liked to dress in women's clothing, sometimes to the point of being fully made up.  He assured me it was only a sexual fetish.  Being extremely open minded in matters of the bedroom, I accepted his explanation and even participated at times with him.  The last few months, though, I could tell something was troubling him.  He wouldn't talk about it, but I knew something was wrong.  It turns out that for the last several months, he had been coming to the realization that it wasn't just a sexual fetish, that it was beginning to become a part of his lifestyle.   I was incredibly hurt that he didn't feel he could talk to me and his efforts to be "discrete" seemed to be deception.  We talked for most of the night last night, about his feelings and my fears.  He told me that to make me happy, he would suppress his need for this and pretend it wasn't there.  I don't feel this is healthy emotionally or psychologically for him and I told him so.  What I need help with is some coping strategies that worked for other people in this position.  He did say he was 100% cetain he did not want SRS.  Was I being selfish for being so relieved?

[Brianna]

Hmmm....

It's true that some transsexuals start of as ->-bleeped-<-s. They do this out of confusion, and "figure it out" later. I don't think there's any reason not to take them at their word.

You are correct that it is not healthy to hide TV feelings and desires. They have to have an outlet.

Bri

[TheBattler]

Hi SOofaCD,

I can so relate to your partner. I am A CD with the big Sexual Fetish and now it has become a big part of my life - not by choice but just through being who I am. I do not want SRS and I am in the precess of trying to figure out where I delong in the world.

Wellcome to Susans. I will leave it up to the SOs to tell you how to cope.

Alice

[Dennis]

And, you are not selfish for being relieved. It's your relationship too and most (if not all) heterosexual women starting a relationship with a man expect that he'll remain male. It's a reasonable expectation. I certainly don't blame my ex for ending our relationship, but I do blame her for how she did it.

Keeping lines of communication open is important. And don't get married until you are comfortable that your partner is being open with you. If you are able to become or are comfortable with him cross-dressing, that's great. But he needs to be honest with himself and you about whether he's really pondering transition or in denial. It sounds like therapy with a qualified gender therapist may help him work through that. Some couples therapy wouldn't hurt either.

And, welcome to the boards, we have a significant SO population, so I hope you'll stick around and take the support you can get from them and, in time, when you feel ready, be a source of support for others. It's a hard road for those of us who are gender-different, but it's also difficult for those who love us.

Dennis

[SOofaCD]

Thanks for the welcome.  I am trying really hard to understand and to accept everything.  I love him more than anything, and more than that, I want him to be happy. 

[Dennis]

Oh, I should have mentioned, btw, I'm not a cross dresser, I was born female and transitioned to male. My partner, who was lesbian (and has issues about men), couldn't handle that. So I am speaking from the trans and not the CD point of view. I didn't even "cross dress" as male when I presented as female. Many of us who transition don't start with cross dressing and many of those who cross dress are not trans.

Dennis

[cindianna_jones]

SO,

It is a very difficult thing to share these feelings that have been, by necessity, guarded secrets all of our lives.  Yes, it is self centered.  Be open and honest.... and expect the same in return.  Let him know exactly how you feel and tell him that you expect full honesty.

I believe that you'll be fine.  But please be carefull.

Cindi

[Jillieann Rose]

SOofaCD,
Hello. I can really understand that you were hurt that he didn't feel he could talk to me andhow it appear to be deception. I started out think I was a CD, and now know that I'm a Transsexual. Oh and when I first told my SO I said that did not want SRS.
Let me share from a male CD mindset.
Here is how it felt and why I din't tell my SO for awhile.
I was afraid. Afraid of where this thing was leading me and i wasn't sure if I wants to go there. But it is so hard to fight it. I was afraid of losing my SO and still am.  I didn't want to worry her or wost yet hurt her and in the end drive her away. I wanted to figure out where this thing is leading me before I told her.
Feelings that someone like you SO can be overwhemimg at time and can cause us not to thing rationally.
This is not to defend him but to help you understand his mindset.
He really needs your love support at this time and do be honest with him too.
Welcome to Susan's

Jillieann

[Steph]

Early into our relationship, my fiance told me that occasionally, for sexual grtification, he liked to dress in women's clothing, sometimes to the point of being fully made up.  He assured me it was only a sexual fetish.  Being extremely open minded in matters of the bedroom, I accepted his explanation and even participated at times with him.  The last few months, though, I could tell something was troubling him.  He wouldn't talk about it, but I knew something was wrong.  It turns out that for the last several months, he had been coming to the realization that it wasn't just a sexual fetish, that it was beginning to become a part of his lifestyle.   I was incredibly hurt that he didn't feel he could talk to me and his efforts to be "discrete" seemed to be deception.  We talked for most of the night last night, about his feelings and my fears.  He told me that to make me happy, he would suppress his need for this and pretend it wasn't there.  I don't feel this is healthy emotionally or psychologically for him and I told him so.  What I need help with is some coping strategies that worked for other people in this position.  He did say he was 100% cetain he did not want SRS.  Was I being selfish for being so relieved?

Hello SO.

I don't usually post in this forum as I am not an SO but as my SO (Gill) is away I'll sneak in

You are not married yet but it is obvious that he has proposed to you as you refer to him as your fiancee, so I would strongly recommend that you read through the articles here in the forums, especially those in the transsexual (TS) forum, in particular the "Coming out of the Closet" section found here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,29.0.html

I advise this so that you can see what you may or may not be getting into, as if your fiancee feels that there is more to his cross dressing that he originally thought you will be able to see what a troubled road you may be faced with.

I'm not telling you to run away from the relationship but you must be aware of what lies ahead if there is a possibility he is transsexual.  At this point in time you are engaged so a break at this time will have less of am impact than a divorce later in life due to TS issues.

Just something to ponder.

Steph

[SOofaCD]

Well, I am happy to say that so far, we have been keeping the lines of communication open.  He seems to be trusting that I love him and want him to be happy, and that is helping him to open up.  There is also a possibility he has Klinefelter's Syndrome.  Has anyone here had any experience with that?

[Steph]

Well, I am happy to say that so far, we have been keeping the lines of communication open.  He seems to be trusting that I love him and want him to be happy, and that is helping him to open up.  There is also a possibility he has Klinefelter's Syndrome.  Has anyone here had any experience with that?

Hello again.

We have an extensive article in our Wiki on Klinefelter's Syndrome.  It can be found here:

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Klinefelter%27s_syndrome

Steph

[SOofaCD]

I just wanted to send hugs and tons of thanks to Buffy and Zoe for the chat last night.  Thank you for the shoulder to cry on, and I hope I'll get to chat more with you in the future.

[Buffy]

You are welcome SOofaCD.

Come back and talk anytime, shoulders are there to be cried on and there are always plenty of hugs and people who are there to listen.

Buffy

[togetherwecan]

Hi and welcome. It was really nice talking to you in chat today. Your personality in this is great and appreciated. Humor is important too.

The lines of communication are open between you now and it is my feeling that it is up to the SO to keep the gutters clear so to speak so that the communication doesn't get clogged. In other words your feelings are important too and we cannot internalize their or our issues and remain communicative.

What I am discovering is a rapid and growing sort of elation in Brooke because of my acceptance of her. This is wonderful for her, but for an SO it can be overwhelming - I would imagine, to see your SO quickly begin to change in their newfound openess with you. The pace you are comfortable with is as important as their need to grow and a balance needs to be struck to keep that communication open so the deceit does not return.

*FTR Brooke, I am loving every minute of your elation so this part doesn't apply to you and I.



Sooooo glad you are here SoofCD!!! *warm welcoming hugs*

[Berri]

Hiya SOofaCD
It is not good to have them suppress themself. I know as my girlfriend had been suppressed for years. During the time of her suppression he was emotionless. That part was locked away with the real person. It was not until she was able to come out and be herself that she was able to show her emotions and express herself.
It was the hardest thing she ever did was to tell me about herself. She was afraid that she would lose me. I am still with her and will be. To me as long as you both work together and talk to each other on how you feel on what is happening that is the start. There will be times you feel confused still and  wonder how things would of been before, but if you tak your feelings over with each other that helps a great deal.