I'm so frustrated right now. The red death is late, which is annoying because I just want to get it over with because I can't pass towards the end. My chest swells and binding doesn't get it flat enough. It's ridiculous how much bigger they get at the end. The first few weeks binding is barely a problem, and now all day I've been getting weird looks because no one can figure out if I'm a guy or a girl- until I open my mouth anyway, then I'm obviously a girl. I just hate having a female body in general. My body shouldn't cycle like this at all, and EVERYTHING is pissing me off because where it is at the moment- the grinder at the coffee shop, the guy sniffing and coughing constantly next to me- everything. And I'm dehydrated and have a headache, which isn't helping anything. I'm trying to ignore it, but every molecule of my body seems wrong. It's all wrong. It should be stronger, tougher, not cyclical. I should feel different- more like punching things instead of crying over every. little. thing. My chest should be flat, I shouldn't have hips, I should have a penis, and I'll never have a normal sized one, and I'll never have real testicles. It's getting to me at the moment.
It's depressing to think about the fact that I'm going to have to deal with this for another six months at least. I know other ftms have it much worse, but it still sucks to wait at all, when if I didn't have a birth defect I'd never have to deal with this. I finally admitted to myself today that I have no hope of getting a hysto or top surgery for a few years. I desperately want a hysto because I can't stand feeling it; it feels all wrong. And I have to wait for T for my chest to shrink some and not puff up every couple of weeks. I'm going back to school this fall as a boy, and I'm afraid I won't be able to pass because of it.
My car broke down yesterday, so I'm walking all over town through lots of bad areas where it's not OK to look different in 90 degree heat because I'm looking for an apartment. My lease is up in ten days, so I'm getting nervous.
And my dad told me that he wants me to take my car to a garage that my mom, who followed me to Georgia because she tries to live vicariously through me, recommends. My mom is great friends with the guys at the garage, so even if I wear my normal clothes and just be myself, which I probably will, they won't get it. I'm so angry. I'm going to do what I can to get out of taking it there. There's nothing wrong with the garage it's at now. I still had to tell them my legal name and everything, but at least they don't know me well, and they haven't listened to my mom tell them stories about how awesome I am because I'm like her.
I'm also going to have to move most of my furniture into my mom's basement with her guy friends while pretending to be a girl. I'm grateful that I have a free place to store stuff, but I really don't want to have to pretend to be a girl on top of pretending to be my mom's mini me all day long. I know someone probably will tell me to just be myself even though I'm not out to my mom. The problem is she only sees what she wants to see regardless of all evidence to the contrary. For instance, when I was a kid I repeatedly told her my favorite Disney movie was Aladdin. To this day she thinks it's Beauty and the Beast because that's her favorite, and she didn't like Aladdin.
I'm sick of doing all this stuff with my legal name. Normally I don't have to use it much, but between getting AAA to tow my car, talking to the people at the garage, showing my ID to leasing agents to look at apts, and getting bank statements from the bank to prove I have an income, I've been outing myself constantly. Not that I'm passing right now anyway.
And my ex bf is finally moving away. We need to be apart because being around each other is too difficult. I kept slipping back into trying to be a girl because I wouldn't lose him if I were a girl, so the move is a good thing overall. But he's moving to New Orleans for 18 months, so we won't see each other at all. And I already miss his dog that I lived with for three years.
I'm just frustrated right now.
