Please, stop outing me.

[azSam]

This is a general comment to anyone/everyone and is aimed at no one specific. I am just voicing my feelings and what I know a few others also feel.

When we hang out and you invite your friend whom I've never met, please don't identify me as, "Oh yeah she's a cool chick, she used to be a boy I know.". Or when I'm hanging out with my GLBT group of friends and someone new tags along, there is really no reason to tell them that I am trans.

I am so much more than just my "trans" label. I am a musician, a jazz and blues pianist. I am a computer nerd. I am movie lover. I am hopeless romantic. I am a girl.

When I told you my deepest secret, I placed a lot of trust in you; trust that is not easily granted. It is not something I want freely advertised to the world. I simply want to have a life outside of my trans-identity.

So if you are really my friend, and you really care at all about me and my feelings; please stop outing me.

[azSam]

I want to post this on facebook so my group of friends can read it, but then I'd be outing myself to people that I'm still stealth with.

[Annah]

God I totally know how you feel about that!

I spent the weekend with a friend of mine last year who is trans and she kept on introducing me as "this is Annah, my trans friend." Now, I am proud being trans but I don't go to everyone I meet and say "hi! I'm trans!" The only people who need to know my business like that is a prospective lover because he or she should know before hand. However, with friends or acquaintances (especially acquaintances)  it really isn't none of their business!

I remember one day I went to a Human Rights Campaign "Party for the striking down of don't ask don't tell" and the first thing Joe Solmonese ask me "how should i introduce you to people as?" And I was like "I am Annah." He smiled and said "fair enough!"

That's what I like...when someone asks you first before they assume you want to announce to the whole world you are trans. Disclosing that you are trans should be reserved for people you either trust or respect or feel comfortable enough in sharing that part of you.

[Dinky_Di]

Get used to it, human nature, for some reason everyone thinks they can tell everyone else.  as time goes on though it does become less.

[JungianZoe]

Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!!!  I've had this talk with a few people and you've captured my sentiments exactly... well said, Samantha!

[jillian]

My wife outed me to my mother in law, when I wasnt even there.
I dont know how to feel about it.
In one way, I am relieved.
In another, I could care less.
but for some reason I tend to feel a little violated.

I know she needed someone to talk too, but Ive been slowly coming out. Ive been picking the easy ones first because I am terrified.
I am not ashamed of being trans, I am scared of my new reality. Not living as a woman, but the people who are part of my life.  It is very hard for me to make friends because I work so hard I am exhausted when I get home.

Sam, I can imagine how that must feel...:-(   
I dont think they realize you take it how you do though, so you have to tell them. If the cant respect your requests, then they may not be worth your time.

[A]

I guess the only way to try to avoid this is to join the coming-out with a request to avoid telling this to anyone, ever. I mean, if someone should know, we should be the ones to decide so... But even so, like any secret, there is always a chance that it will be revealed.

[Silas]

Amen, dude. Seriously, people can be irritating like that -_-;
Best thing you can do is tell them this. (Hell, I think facebook lets you post things visible to only specific people. That, or post it in a note visible to only those who do this, or tell them in person.)

I agree with A on the requesting to keep it a secret.

My sister never outs me as ftm to new friends. (Although she seems to have no problem with telling everyone and their dead grandmothers that I'm gay. -eyeroll- haa.)

[kae m]

This is unfortunately really familiar.

Sometimes asking people to not directly out you doesn't help.  When I came out to friends I asked them to not out me, but told them if someone asked about me I would prefer if they tell those people to ask me directly.  I don't want others to feel obligated to lie or cover for me, but I would rather have control of the situation and be able to decide for myself whether I was comfortable with the person knowing.  And I totally admit to stealing that idea from someone on here, but I don't remember who

Although one of my friends has respected that wish, my best friend since we were like 11 has outed me to most (probably all) of his friends.  When I confronted him on it he told me that he had told "a couple" people that I was changing my gender - slightly problematic wording aside, I figured it didn't matter because I didn't know the people he told and assumed I wouldn't meet them.  Except I've since learned that he told a lot of people.  And worse, what he told some people was completely ignorantly wrong - to some people he didn't out me as a transsexual woman, he outed me as a gay man.  WTF, right?.  I've distanced myself from him and I really don't see our friendship lasting much longer.

Another one of my friends, who is also in transition, lives her life a lot more openly than I do.  I had to ask her to not introduce me as "This is Kelly, she's trans like me too" because she just didn't think about whether I would be comfortable with that.  I'm not ashamed of my history or experience, I have no problem associating with other people who also happen to be trans if our personalities mesh, but I'm a lot more comfortable introducing myself or being introduced as "Kelly."  Not "Kelly, trans female" not "Kelly the transsexual" and not "Kelly, she's a girl" because that one's just kinda weird.  If my trans history comes up for some valid reason and I want to out myself, then I will on my own terms.  I wish that weren't so hard for people to understand...

[April Dawne]

I feel exactly the same. Nobody needs the label to help shove me into some box when just meeting me. Let me introduce myself to people in my own way, let them come to know the person I am, without the trans label hanging in the air forever, in a sense flavouring everything.

My mom has a nasty habit of doing that. She's outed me, I'm sure, to everyone she knows. Since I don't know any of these people and they don't know me, god knows what they might imagine me to be. I was applying for a shipping position at the company she works in; she thought it would be helpful to speak on my behalf to them-- telling them my situation-- to "feel things out" and see what they would say. In her mind she was trying to help me, but as I told her: "My status is none of their business, and I don't appreciate you taking it upon yourself to speak for me before I've had a chance to meet them and let them see who I am." I also explained that the more people know, the harder it will be on me to live my life and be accepted in general society. I mentioned that there are people who HATE trans people, and if the wrong person hears of her "daughter who used to be her son" it could mean the end of me. Telling the wrong person could end up killing me.

She kind of looked at me funny through all of this, no lightbulb popping on over her head at all. "I was just trying to help." I said I appreciate that, but would prefer to get the job on my own merit, and don't need anyone speaking for me or spreading my gender status to people.

It's frustrating, but there isn't much I can do to stop it. I'm sure other people I know start conversations as follows: "My trans friend April.... " or "Do you know my friend April? She's trans... "

now I need a hug 

[Lee]

now I need a hug 

My dad works with a trans woman and always refers to her as "the transgendered woman [her name]."  It really bothers me that he seems to define her by that one thing, and it makes me a bit worried for the future.

[April Dawne]

Thanks Lee  one for you!

I know what you mean, I feel like forever I'm going to be known as 'April the transsexual' or 'April the trans girl',  or 'my trans friend April' and not just April. I mean do GLB people feel the need to introduce their friends that way? "Hi this is Samantha, the lesbian." I don't get it.

[MarinaM]

I made a promise to to my father that I would not keep this a terrible secret any longer - for the sake of his sanity and my safety. I gave him my word and I've been alright.

Though, I say this is privileged information that should only be divulged to those whom you feel most comfortable with. So, yeah, stop outing me for fun too.

[justmeinoz]

Thankfully there was no harm done, but when I came out to him, my (FtM) son outed me to his mother!  Not Happy !!

[Amazon D]

Maybe someone needs to make a MYSPACE (facebook) profile that is anonymous telling the WHOLE WORLD HOW WE FEEL ABOUT OUR TRANSITIONS and privacy

PS: Whats wrong with myspace sheesh like whats so great about facebook???

[April Dawne]

Ok, I've started the facebook page dunno quite how to word the description and whatnot though! The page is called Stop Outing Us 

Anyone got tips or suggestions on how to put it together?

[Sephirah]

Such sweet irony.

It might be an idea to state at the outset that the page isn't a commentary on the nature of social networking sites.

[April Dawne]

I thought it was a little funny too... liking the page will effectively out the person. I think I can still change the name, so maybe something a little more ambiguous, and not focused on outing trans folk? 

[Sephirah]

Well, I guess something ambiguous would be:

Please Realise Individuals Value Avoiding Tactless Exposure

You could make it into an acronym... not sure what it would be though.

[April Dawne]

Haha PRIVATE.... I like that