Hey guys,
This is more like rant than anything else, just having a couple of difficulties that I'm trying to figure out through my head, I can't talk about them or I just break down and cry, perhaps typing it out would be the better option? I don't know, I'm sorry if I don't make sense, I'm in a bad place right now. I'm sorry if my rant sounds stupid, there are other people in worse situations and I understand that. I just want to get how I'm feeling, 'out there', if that makes sense.
Finding things pretty difficult at the moment...I have been feeling on top of the world for the past couple of days, very confident, etc, that hasn't changed - but I'm feeling sooooo unbelievably crap right now. Sorta have that 'just give in' mood - it feels as if all my goals of finally going through this transition, getting a therapist, getting on t, etc etc, feels so far away and out of reach. Dysphoria regarding my chest is bad enough, but the dysphoria that I'm having from 'down there' is soooo bad at the moment. Being intimate with my SO is alright at the moment but it hurts at the same time.
Just feels like I'll never be a real man. I know that sounds really stupid, but why the hell was I born into this female body? Just wish I was born as a guy, everything would be alright. What really gets me is the fact that I won't be able to have children with my SO. Yeah, of course we can have children through a donor, etc, but I'd rather I had the ability, rather than some other guy, makes me feel dead inside, just makes me feel like no matter what I do, it'll never be enough for me. Maybe I'm wanting too much??
I'm scared about coming out. I initially came out as a lesbian, maybe 4/5 years ago, but I feel like I've just walked into another closet lol. At present, I don't feel comfortable coming out at work, university or to family/friends, meaning that I'm basically expressing myself as a 'tomboy'. I can't even think about the real life experience I'm going to have to go through. Binding is something which is going to be difficult for me because I have lumps in them, how can I ever get other people to see me as male when I have breasts that I can't hide?
My SO really wants me to start my transition process by getting in contact with a Gender Identity Clinic, or getting some councelling through the university I'm currently at. I'm not going through the university, the LGBTI group consists only the L group and they pretty much stop anyone falling into the GBTI parts from getting in. I'm thinking about definately going through the Gender Identity Clinic in Glasgow (Scotland), but I know as soon as I find a therapist, etc, I'm just going to cry, I'm not going to be able to talk to them. Plus I'm scared they'll push me to doing real life experience pretty fast, which I'm not quite ready to do.
GAHHHHHH, being an ftm sucks lol. I'll figure it out somehow. Someday, lol.
Jack
