Hey ya'll, I am a MTS transgender who has wanted to be %100 a girl since before elementary school. However, because of an extremely abusive and neglectful family that lived in an extremely secluded town, I did not have a single opportunity to be put on anti-androgens to stop my AOS (Androgen Oversensitivity Syndrome; potential Acromegaly) that actually caused a more extreme set of masculine features than 99% of male teenagers and young adults develop. Quite frankly, I look identical to this Acromegaly/Androgen-Oversensitivity patient:
http://meded.ucsd.edu/clinicalimg/acromegaly4.jpgNow, I have tried RLE in the past (when my face was much less "masculine", age 16) and I was incredibly happy with the process; during the time that I could realistically "pass", people had no care that I was a boy and while I still looked just a bit like a boy, my features were soft and youthful (think Justin Bieber) to the point that it just at least wasn't a contradiction. It "fit", and both me and society was super happy with my choice. I had also had "FFS" (aka I had a cleft-lip nose fixed and it happened to make me look more female, which I LOVED) before the NLE process, which actually gave me the extremely positive push to start it.
However, after the surgery, I was involved in a car accident that injured my nose severely and I had to have it rebuilt with grafts (it now looks EXTREMELY masculine, harsh, and downright ugly and sickly) AND my Androgen-Oversensitivity started up at age 18, giving me an extremely thick-set, haggard, "Ogre"-ish appearance like the man above. With my truly extreme appearance (I am 21 years old, this appearance may be at least "normal" for a 43 year old construction worker man, but not a 21 year old teenager MTF!), I have stopped NLE completely for the past 4 years and have not lived at all as a woman.
I have not been in a relationship, I have not had friends, I have not had a job, I have not had anything and I have been eeking off of various sources just so that I do not have to face the world. I absolutely hate going out in public looking like a monster (aka I HATE looking like a masculine man, I do not date nor appriciate masculine looking men either, there's nothing good in my eyes about an appearance like the one above) and when I try to dress as a woman, I have shouts from teenagers around my age (in public) like "Look at that Ogre drying to dress like a woman!" - a normal person with a normal confidence may be able to face this during NLE, but because of my history of emotional and verbal abuse from both my family and peers, I break down and tears and plan suicides every time these insults happen.
I just want to look like a female again, at least in SOME WAYS (softer features, better skin, less thickness of the face) so that I can at least by some extent pass as a "feminen male" (I can't even just act "gay" without getting negative comments based on my haggard appearance), yet I need a letter of recommendation to for FFS of any type. Most therapist seem to think that if I can't handle putting a dress on while looking like an OGRE (most transsexuals are comfortably able to pass where I CANNOT) then I don't deserve a change. Yet I believe a change of at least small surgical proportions is nessicary for ME to be able to pass healthily enough to even do a few months worth of NLE.
What do I do?
