Hey ya'll, I am a MTS transgender who has wanted to be %100 a girl since before elementary school. However, because of an extremely abusive and neglectful family that lived in an extremely secluded town, I did not have a single opportunity to be put on anti-androgens to stop my AOS (Androgen Oversensitivity Syndrome; potential Acromegaly) that actually caused a more extreme set of masculine features than 99% of male teenagers and young adults develop. Quite frankly, I look identical to this Acromegaly/Androgen-Oversensitivity patient: http://meded.ucsd.edu/clinicalimg/acromegaly4.jpg

Now, I have tried RLE in the past (when my face was much less "masculine", age 16) and I was incredibly happy with the process; during the time that I could realistically "pass", people had no care that I was a boy and while I still looked just a bit like a boy, my features were soft and youthful (think Justin Bieber) to the point that it just at least wasn't a contradiction. It "fit", and both me and society was super happy with my choice. I had also had "FFS" (aka I had a cleft-lip nose fixed and it happened to make me look more female, which I LOVED) before the NLE process, which actually gave me the extremely positive push to start it.

However, after the surgery, I was involved in a car accident that injured my nose severely and I had to have it rebuilt with grafts (it now looks EXTREMELY masculine, harsh, and downright ugly and sickly) AND my Androgen-Oversensitivity started up at age 18, giving me an extremely thick-set, haggard, "Ogre"-ish appearance like the man above. With my truly extreme appearance (I am 21 years old, this appearance may be at least "normal" for a 43 year old construction worker man, but not a 21 year old teenager MTF!), I have stopped NLE completely for the past 4 years and have not lived at all as a woman.

I have not been in a relationship, I have not had friends, I have not had a job, I have not had anything and I have been eeking off of various sources just so that I do not have to face the world. I absolutely hate going out in public looking like a monster (aka I HATE looking like a masculine man, I do not date nor appriciate masculine looking men either, there's nothing good in my eyes about an appearance like the one above) and when I try to dress as a woman, I have shouts from teenagers around my age (in public) like "Look at that Ogre drying to dress like a woman!" - a normal person with a normal confidence may be able to face this during NLE, but because of my history of emotional and verbal abuse from both my family and peers, I break down and tears and plan suicides every time these insults happen.

I just want to look like a female again, at least in SOME WAYS (softer features, better skin, less thickness of the face) so that I can at least by some extent pass as a "feminen male" (I can't even just act "gay" without getting negative comments based on my haggard appearance), yet I need a letter of recommendation to for FFS of any type. Most therapist seem to think that if I can't handle putting a dress on while looking like an OGRE (most transsexuals are comfortably able to pass where I CANNOT) then I don't deserve a change. Yet I believe a change of at least small surgical proportions is nessicary for ME to be able to pass healthily enough to even do a few months worth of NLE.

What do I do?

P.S. By NLE, I mean RLE (New Life Experience/Real Life Experience), and in the first sentence, I meant to say MTF instead of MTS.

In general, there's not much reason to get FFS before RLE (I didn't and I'm doing just fine), but if you're case is extreme as you say, it might be something that is, at the least, extremely helpful for you passing wise.  Are you on any kind of hormones now, or are you just trying to pass without them?  Since they can really make a huge difference, obviously.

I'm in the process now of trying to have a proper blood/GH/hormone test so that all skin, craniofacial growth, and harsh characteristics can be "stopped" from getting worse (I am going through "2nd puberty" as we talk, and it's so horrible - skin thickening, hair loss, horrible skin problems, severe brow bone growth, nasal growth, jaw growth, it's horrrrrible) but without living fulltime as a girl, psychiatric therapy has already proven to be a difficult source for a letter of recommendation; I live in the bible belt. I need at least anti-androgens/anti-DHT's to STOP this growth process before it gets worse (and is rapidly doing so as we speak) but again, I am sadly not on anything at the moment. I'm seeing a new health doctor on thursday and I have no clue of his opinions; no where advertises for transgenders where I live. It's such a horrid process.

I also want to be tested for Acromegaly (dangerous and deforming overproduction of male GH hormones), which I have all the craniofacial and spinal features of, especially compared to my age, height, and weight (21, 115lbs, 5'4).

Rhino

Based on your posts, you have a lot of self hatred and a very hated response to anything masculine whether it is tied to you or someone else. Reading it actually made a lot of sense to why you post what you have earlier in prior threads.

I am not sure if you have seen any therapists but if you have not, then I would HEAVILY recommend you to start seeing one. I'm no licensed therapist but you also sound like you are suffering from other (other than GID) co morbids such us Body Dysmorphic Disorder (actually, based on your comments you match someone with Body Dysmorphic Disorder right down to the phrase usage you use when describing yourself).

But yes, please see a Psychiatrist. They can help you.

About FFS, many girls get FFS during their real life experience because it is a permanent alteration of your body. You mention you had FFS prior, but I don't think fixing a cleft palette is considered FFS but I could be wrong.

Many girls I personally know do not get FFS until they go full time. Many more say they need it and then realize that they dont after HRT, therapy, and living fulltime.

But as I said before, I think having a therapist giving you the help you need is far more important right now than the consideration of FFS.

Oh....in a prior thread you stated you were a FFS consultant. Sooo...no disrespect to you but were you telling the truth in that regard? Cuz, I would not image someone struggling mentality like this being a FFS consultant.

But please see a therapist! They do help!

oh...and if you look like the guy in the pic you linked like you said you did, then I really think you are def beating yourself down too much. I looked just like him too.

I don't do this often but Im posting it here because I want to show you that it is not all despair and gloom like you think it is. So here is me 2 year ago. I am 37 years old.



Here is my most recent face pic taken 5 weeks ago:


And here is my youtube to see me in a "real life environment"

http://www.youtube.com/user/AnnahHinman?feature=mhee

I have not had FFS done and in my opinion, I looked worse than the guy in the link you showed us.

So if you look like him, then it may not be as bad as you are predicting it will be.