I'm evolving into a serious parent in her late twenties, mind you, one that acts a goofball online (and at karaoke bars), but in real life I'm quite unspectacular.
People talk about HRT making the difference, like it's some magic pill (close!), but that's untrue to a large extent. The impetus for positive change must exist. Simply becoming a woman with the same problems was never (and never will be) my goal, what a blind jump that would be! I needed help being human, being me. What I needed was therapy, what I needed was to open up. Constantly being present and actually working on myself through the early stages of transition has helped me start to become quite the mom (I'm called mom and dad randomly, which is weird).
Don't take this next part wrong, I have no intention of deviating from total transition: Sure I get tons of compliments and I have never been outed in moments of confidence, but I don't need as much of a crutch now. I've taken permanent steps to snatch my identity away from the grip of self ruin and I've begun leveling out. The most valuable thing that part time living taught me has been confidence, and also that it's okay to work towards SRS. There is a weird feminine / pseudo andro meeting place of the "male" and female existences I exercise, and every completion of one of my many goals, every moment of clarity like the one I'm having right now results in a stronger me. I feel like a human being now (I swear I do!), and I can clearly see where this is headed. Today when I asked about SRS my therapist told me that getting a letter in the future would be easier than getting on HRT. That was the news part, it was both odd and an incredible relief.
Those of you who don't know me very well must know that I'm a scientist by education, a writer at heart, and a nut in general. I'm making progress, the price was steep, and I did not willingly pay it. A brief battle with alcoholism, hypocritical religious belief, eating problems, depression, infliction of self harm, total exhaustion... all a 14 year long active battle; the result of me trying to cure who I am.
So in a cool twist of fate I'm becoming more "normal" as I become an oddity to society, so what. I have my goal, the path is clear, and I am a better parent / human being for this. I wish I had the means to fill you in on every positive moment of every event that led up to this post, but I simply can't. Just trust me, it gets better if you try to make it better.
