The title almost reminds me of one of Pedro Almodovar's movies somehow ...anywayyy
One of the things I find the most painful is the bad contact I have with my mother. We both have our private issues and whenever we talk about it we end up in a very hostile cold telephone conversation where I usually want to stop talking to her for a very long time; She has issues with my youngest brothers and ex'es/ brother and sister from the past she is angry at and keeps on repeating it and I usually get very irritated whenever she starts about my gender issues, because she sometimes -unknowingly- brings it up
Sometimes I think I am being unreasonable about her questions and thought regarding my identity but she really clings to the past and how she views the world in general. I can give you a few examples
There is only girl among mine and the younger generation of children (5 kids in total) and while I really like my niece I got extremely jealous and observant whenever I saw my mother near her, talk to her, mention her later on. I tried to discuss this once as mean to give her an idea of how I feel ....she says Ill just have to accept she's a girl and she's different
That's the moment I start getting angry and ranted something like "And yes, ofcourse she deserves all the attention because I am not , right? Its like I dont even excist wnhe you indulge yourself with your long wanted 'daughter' . I hate it. I hate it . Maybe you should just say nothing then if thats the way you think"
It really made me sad but I can see I am being very unreasonable and teeny when acting like that but what about this:
Mom: "Well some people who are depressed have these issues"
Me: "Gee, what do you think makes me depressed and so reluctant to do some things?"
Mom: "It's also quite 'in' for young men to be metrosexual and open about feelings and sexuality"
Me: *silence*
Mom: "Don't you think its just a phase?"
Me: "I think we should stop now Mom, youre still saying the same things, every time over and over since I told you about it 8 years ago....I wish you , no just nevermind it
Me: " Youre just not taking me seriously...you hardly see me and the people who do see on a daily basis are people who YOU don;t want to talk to, they see I am suffering and that its not some trendy thing or that a sexual thing"
That's usually the moment the conversation turns silent and I cry a little and hang up the phone, I feel so devastated and unworthy after that
I just wonder, how can I TALK with her about my issues and my progress without it becoming a cold conversation where I just say a few words and hang up the phone or an ordinairy blame and shout match?
I know there are two sides to it and it bothers me to see each other move away from each other..the confrontation hurts but I still want to have my mother talk with me than no contact at all
