Some of you already knew, some of you figured it out (or at least figured out something was up), and for some of you this is out of the blue. If you weren't tagged, don't take it the wrong way.
Fair warning, this is long, so a couple of things right away:
If you want to de-friend me, I understand. I'd rather you didn't, and you should know I am comfortable answering any question about this for those who sincerely want to know. If you know right now that this is something you cannot or will not ever accept, I only ask that you scroll down to the section marked "For Parents" before you go. Especially those of you who have kids.
If you plan to be supportive no matter what, thank you. The rest of this is here for you to read or not read at your leisure. I have it here to cover the basic stuff most people want to ask about. Anything else, feel free to reply below or PM, or text me.
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I am going to be going through some major changes in the coming year, some of which have already begun. I'm a bit too much of an activist at heart to not fight for things, so a lot of trans* related stuff has already and will continue to pop up on my FB wall, so I wanted to share why that is.
I also have several short stories being released for sale hopefully today, if not Monday. If anyone has ever tried getting the name changed on a published work, you would know that is nearly impossible to do. So I am publishing them under the name Autumn Nicole ------, the new name I have chosen for myself. I didn't want people to be confused when they see the name on the cover; that is me. Some of you have noticed that on twitter and my websites I am already listed as A. N. -------. Now you know what the A. N. stand for.
Relatively speaking, I am still early in the process. Contrary to popular belief, genital surgery isn't the be-all and end-all of this, nor is it even the most expensive part. I am about a month into my hormone replacement regimen (supplementing estrogen, androgen suppressants). I'm not publicly identifying as female yet, and most womens' clothes still look stupid on me. Hormones are slow to take effect so I am not rushing into things.
Because I am not publicly identifying myself as female yet in daily life, I'm not asking anyone to switch what pronouns they use or start calling me by my female name. I'm perfectly comfortable being addressed as a guy still. I know it can be confusing, so I will try to simplify it: at some point I will make it quite clear when it is no longer appropriate to refer to me as male. Until then, just as long as you never refer to me as "he-she" or "it", there shouldn't be any problem.
If this is a shock, I don't blame you. At most, you knew me as far back as first grade. (To my knowledge there is precisely one person on my friends list who knew me from before that time.) But I knew even then. In fact, I told my parents this when I was just 6 years old. There are a number of reasons why it's taken until now for me to come to this decision to transition. Even just ten years ago, I wrote a paper in which I laid out my feelings on my birth sex in clearer terms than I would give words to until recently.
If you're thinking, "But you're not feminine at all!" then allow me to say thank you for the compliment on my ability to keep that hidden. Since the beginning of this year, I have unpacked so much baggage even I am surprised by how many things I have kept myself from doing, or saying, or even thinking because it it might give me away. If you ever got the impression I was cold, or disinterested, or awkward, it was probably because I was engaged in a level of self-censorship few experience.
Did it never seem odd to you that nearly all of my friends until college were girls? Really? Really? ;-)
Why now? Pretty funny story, but it's a little long, and this is already a long note. So I'll leave it at this: it began with joking about turning in my man card. But really, it was long overdue. I avoided it for a long time because of a lot of misconceptions I had thrust upon me about transsexualism, misconceptions I am sure many of you share.
Those misconceptions are part of why I am willing to be open about this with anyone who asks. I don't want to see anyone else suffer silently thinking there are no options. The rate of attempted and contemplated suicide among closeted trans people is an overwhelming 42%. So I will gladly answer any questions if it can make this less of a scary mystery to people. Even if you are not trans yourself, your understanding could be the difference between someone close to you getting the medical help they need, or believing there is no hope.
Some of you noticed that Steph and I are no longer together. Yes, this was a significant part of that. We still love one another, and she's been more supportive than I would have hoped for. Nevertheless, we both agreed that it would be better if we parted as friends, rather than trying to force ourselves to be happy and comfortable as though nothing were different. I hope she does fabulously in Chicago when she moves back there.
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FOR PARENTS: I know there is a lot here, and I can only thank you for being patient with something you have a hard time understanding. Please take your lack of understanding as an unequivocally good sign. The only way to really understand why anyone would need to do this would be if you had similar feelings yourself, and this is not a condition I would wish upon my worst enemy. But I am unbelievably thankful to live in a time when medicine allows me to pursue proper treatment.
As I said above, I knew this about myself when I was in pre-school and my story is in no way unique. It is very common that trans people know at an early age. I was confident enough in that knowledge that I told my parents about it in first grade. I was the target of an extraordinary amount of bullying** in elementary school, but for a brief period, I was spared that when another student admitted he wished he had been born a girl. It drove the message deep that this is something not to be spoken of ever again. The media piles on with images of trans women who are almost always prostitutes, porn actresses, or the favorite of Jerry Springer: women who lie about their past.
If trans women were really like that, who would want to go through with transition? Who would want that for their child? I certainly didn't, and until I broke through that stereotype, I was afraid to do anything about it.
We're not like that. Ask yourself: how many people have you met that are anything like the caricatures that are on that show? The truth is that most trans people are more like this: [Link to video removed] Usually, when you see someone who is obviously transsexual, it is because they, like me, are at the beginning of the process.
Yes, there are some trans men and women who willingly enter the sex industry, just like there are cis sexual people who do. However, more often it is the case that those who do so need to because of a lack of options. Many are left homeless (even those still in high school!) because their parents refuse to accept them and turn them out on the street. Employers are often reluctant to hire and quick to fire trans people for unreasonable fears (last I checked, non-white trans people faced nearly double the rate of workplace discrimination). Without income, without insurance, without a roof, and still needing access to hormones on top of the normal need for food, how many options are left?
The support of family can be the difference between life and death. Early intervention is crucial. You have no idea how much I wish my parents knew 20 years ago what options were available. If your child expresses that they are or ought to be the opposite sex, please listen. Many kids go through a gender role exploration phase. If it's a phase, it will pass without you forcing them to be more like a boy, or more like a girl. But if it's not a phase, forcing them down the wrong path in an effort to help them can end up contributing to years of denial, depression, and suicide.
If your child is sincerely uncertain about their sex or gender identity, medications exist to delay the onset of puberty until they make a decision about what is most appropriate. Doing so can save years of expensive, painful, and time-consuming proceedures and treatment, the sole purpose of which is to undo everything the "wrong" puberty did. If they decide to remain as they are, they simply stop the suppressants and puberty will resume as normal.
To put a price tag on it for those inclined to thinking in those terms, I am anticipating spending between $30,000 and $50,000 on laser hair removal(hormones don't stop beard growth if you wait until after puberty), facial surgery (testosterone causes additional bone growth in the face that leads to the classic masculine look), and voice therapy or voice surgery (once the voice drops, one needs to retrain it; for those who cannot retrain a natural sound after therapy, surgery becomes an option). That's not even including hormones or genital surgery (which is less than the cost of a new car these days). All of that could have been saved by suppressing my male puberty.
Yes, that is an eye-popping number. I am sure you are thinking of that in terms of how to pay for that on top of everything else in your life. But it's a matter of priorities. This is a priority of mine because for my health it needs to be, just as owning a house is probably a priority of yours. That is a much more manageable number when viewed in that light. I also have the loving support of my family, thanks to whom this has been an overwhelmingly positive experience so far, when it very easily could have gone much more poorly.
For that, I will always be grateful to them, and to my wonderful friends.
** To those who perceived me as the bully, I sincerely apologize for anything I may have done to you. But please understand that no one sees the first punch of a fight; by the time they turn, they are seeing the retaliation. I spent 5 years with no one believing me that I was being harassed daily. So in 6th grade I reacted by bullying others myself. If I could take it back, I would.
Lastly, if anyone reading this is or knows someone in a similar position, you are more than welcome to direct them to get in touch with me. I will gladly help point people toward the resources that are out there.
