Saying goodbye

[Tamaki]

Lately I've had a strong desire to see my mother which is unusual since I try to avoid her for the most part. She's the one who enforces the gender stereo types in the family.  There are also a lot of other reasons  I avoid her as well. So it's really strange that I want to see her.

I'm starting to notice the effects of hormones on my face. Adding in the shaved arms, longer hair and the electroylsis I'm starting to look noticeably more feminine. So I keep thinking I should let my mother see her "son" one last time. I realized that what I really wanted was for "him" to say goodbye. It hit me tonight that it's time to let "him" go and for "him" fade away. Did anyone else feel a need for "him"to say goodbye?

This means that going full time is coming up quickly, it's becoming unbearable to pretend I'm something I'm not. Now I guess it's just down to more practical matters.

[xXRebeccaXx]

Lately I've had a strong desire to see my mother which is unusual since I try to avoid her for the most part. She's the one who enforces the gender stereo types in the family.  There are also a lot of other reasons  I avoid her as well. So it's really strange that I want to see her.

I'm starting to notice the effects of hormones on my face. Adding in the shaved arms, longer hair and the electroylsis I'm starting to look noticeably more feminine. So I keep thinking I should let my mother see her "son" one last time. I realized that what I really wanted was for "him" to say goodbye. It hit me tonight that it's time to let "him" go and for "him" fade away. Did anyone else feel a need for "him"to say goodbye?

This means that going full time is coming up quickly, it's becoming unbearable to pretend I'm something I'm not. Now I guess it's just down to more practical matters.

My mom is the same way, but she still loves me, and I know she'll be supportive of me when I come out to her. I think that you miss your mother as well as feeling like this, so its time to pay her a little visit. Good Luck!

[Vicky]

Un fortuneately, neither of my parents got a chance to know the "inner me", but I have family members who are going through a bit of a grief period.  Its not really a "good bye" but more of a "until we meet again" type of situation, since for me there is the fact that I did FATHER and did a lot of Daddy work for 3 children over the years, and from time to time there will be business to complete, and then it will be "adieu".  You are not burying your mother's son, but he is going on a journey and you will be his contact point.  You need "him" in fresh memory and a little contact because he did do good things such as keeping your body alive long enough to become YOU.  Its as Vicky that "R" can finally get the joy and completion in spirit, and I owe it to him.  I actually love him now, but do not want to be him. 

Sounds screwball, but thats being TS.

[AbraCadabra]

I think it's a good thing to do what you suggest.

I also hope it's not a "good bye" for good, time always will tell.

I have "lost" a grandchild due to her mother (my son's gf) not willing or being unable or accept me. She didn't care much before either, but now it's a complete no-no. Thinks I'm "corrupting" her 5 year old daughter...

Be aware that all those folks have to go through their own kind of transition to be with you. And for some it's just such a lot harder, thankfully it is not quite so hard on some others.

I do wish you the best of luck,
Axelle

[Tamaki]

I think that you miss your mother as well as feeling like this, so its time to pay her a little visit. Good Luck!

Yeah, I do miss her. It's a shame she makes it so unpleasant to visit her.

You need "him" in fresh memory and a little contact because he did do good things such as keeping your body alive long enough to become YOU.  Its as Vicky that "R" can finally get the joy and completion in spirit, and I owe it to him.  I actually love him now, but do not want to be him. 

I honestly had not thought of it in this way. He is the part of me I hate but perhaps I need to have a little more compassion for myself.

I also hope it's not a "good bye" for good, time always will tell.

I know it's not good bye with my mother, she will just deny it's happening.

[juliemac]

I dont agree with the notion of the OLD and the NEW person. We are one in the same.
My mother told me that my younger brothers greived my "loss", and then they didnt talk to me for almost 20 years....
After the death of the oldest of my 3 younger brothers, we met again at the wake.

I have the same sence of humor I did before.
I have the same hobbies, if not more.
"I" really havent changed that much.
Welllll. Except for my bountious rack 

Actually its more a change in perception. We are back talking and doing the same things we did BEFORE I transitioned.
Though they do open the door for me 

Dont make it a sad occaision, but relax, be your self and smile and laugh!
Today is the start of the rest of your life! Enjoy it and let others see your happyness!

[Tamaki]

I agree that there isn't an old and new person, there has only ever been me. However, it's not really that simple. When I was around four or five years old I had an argument with my mother about being a girl which ended up with my trying to run away from home. The result of that was that I came to believe that I was a boy, who was I to argue with that thing between my legs. Since that time I believed that I was some sort of freak, a man who wants to be a woman. I tried very hard my whole life to be that man that I was expected to be and I did it so well that to my parents I was there son, to my siblings I was their brother, to my partner I was her husband and to myself I was man, a failure of a man but a man.  I wasn't until recently that it all started to make sense. I was female all along, I was never male. This has brought a huge sense of relief and gave me permission to be myself. I was no longer a freak I was just a woman that by some misfortune had the wrong kind of body. The thing is that the man I tried to be was very real and he has disappeared. People's perception of me became their reality of me. My partner has been grieving that loss for the last year and isn't done yet. My mother, brother and sisters are grieving that loss and I am too. Letting my mother see me as him is my way of saying goodbye to that part of my life. It's something I need to grieve but at the same time it's a joyous occasion that she gets to she her daughter that she had but denied existed.

I'm still me just as I've always been, how could I be anyone else? I've given myself permission to enjoy things that I never have before but I still have the same interests and do the same things.

I'm going to visit her today. I'm not sure if I'll come out to her but either way it's a step in the journey toward being free.

[kate durcal]

I dont agree with the notion of the OLD and the NEW person. We are one in the same.
My mother told me that my younger brothers greived my "loss", and then they didnt talk to me for almost 20 years....
After the death of the oldest of my 3 younger brothers, we met again at the wake.

I have the same sence of humor I did before.
I have the same hobbies, if not more.
"I" really havent changed that much.
Welllll. Except for my bountious rack 

Actually its more a change in perception. We are back talking and doing the same things we did BEFORE I transitioned.
Though they do open the door for me 

Dont make it a sad occaision, but relax, be your self and smile and laugh!
Today is the start of the rest of your life! Enjoy it and let others see your happyness!

I agree with you Julimac. I am the same. When I started transitioning I did notice that my family and friedns were afraid of loosing me, even my bosses  In my case the solution was (is) kind of simple, a small talk to reassure them that despite the different preserntation, I still love them and support them.

I do have a sister who has cut all lines of communication and is irresponsive. I am just letting time go by and see what happen.

Kate D

[azSam]

My "Goodbye" moment happened recently. When I deleted multiple internet accounts that were under my old name, and when I gave away the last bit of my guy clothes. The clothes weren't so bad, but I felt a bit of stress deleting some of the email accounts and various other web accounts. I think that stress came from just the fear of abandoning them in case I need them for something in the future. Aside from that, I had no problems letting that old person go, or more accurately, transforming into who I really am.

I recently found a very old picture of me from before I came out and started transitioning. I stared at that picture for a good long while and it seemed like I was looking at a picture of a completely different person, almost like a person I used to know; but it definitely was not -me- in that picture.

I think what this thread is referring to is letting go of your past identity. The person you once tried to force yourself to be as you came into the person you are today. Not that there were really 2 different people, that would suggest some sort dissociative disorder; but discarding old remnants of our past almost feels like saying goodbye to someone.

[Tamaki]

I think what this thread is referring to is letting go of your past identity. The person you once tried to force yourself to be as you came into the person you are today. Not that there were really 2 different people, that would suggest some sort dissociative disorder; but discarding old remnants of our past almost feels like saying goodbye to someone.

Yes, I couldn't agree more.


I went an visited my mother today. I haven't seen her in about six months. At first she didn't recognise me and after a couple of minutes she realised who I was. My appearance had changed a lot in the last six months but she's also on the down hill slide health wise. She's 78 and in a nursing home with several things wrong but mentally she usually does just fine. We talked about the usual stuff; was I working, how have I been. I told her that I was happy and for the first time in my life I meant it. I didn't hide the mannerisms and speech that I usually do so it felt like more of an introduction and a goodbye. She finally got to see her daughter smile back at her and tell her that she loves her.

I don't ever plan to visit her in girl mode, only guy mode. It would only confuse her and make things worse. That said, I don't feel like I'm hiding any longer.

This good bye that I thought I was going to say, turned into something much sadder. For the first time I saw my mother as a confused and frail old lady. She may live for many more years but I'm losing my mom. She is no longer the person I've known my whole life.

[azSam]

Wow Hannah, that's very moving. I'm sorry that is happening to you, and I really wish I could give you a hug. True happiness rarely comes without a cost.