transition, son to daughter?

[AbraCadabra]

Hi,
something struck me this morning.
It seems one thing to be called: She, Her, Mrs., Miss, Lady and Madam, all of which I have been called and it makes me feel very good. Same would be visa versa for FtM, yes?

Now I do not have parents any more, yet I am a parent myself and it struck me how hard it truly would be to refer to a son as "my daughter" (or visa versa).

Would I personally even FEEL like someone's daughter? A woman yes, but daughter?

I'm a late on-set transitioner yet will that make such a difference?

There comes this nature/nurture thing up, and all of the sudden how everyone seems deep down to have this "higher" appreciation for a son.
The name bearer etc. et al.
Us poor girls are the "source of life" (MtF unfortunately excluded at present) yet we seem to be always the lesser "commodity".
This will effect our parents as much as most every one else. IT IS NOT PC - but believe me IT IS.

This to me feels like some quantum leap of the same magnitude as to be asking my son to call me his mother?!

Ok, I became a "she dad" and some oddity that is definitely not included in Mother's Day, and putting both in a quandary during Father's Day to boot., sitting with all the "he dads" in a restaurant etc. etc. My stomach is not quite up to it, if ever it will be.

Pealing yet another layer of that dang transition-onion?

Would you mind sharing YOUR thoughts on that item if I may ask?

Axelle
PS: I don't even think that GRS will make all that big a difference, or?
PPS: I concede that a daughter with "extra" or a son with "something missing" might make things not any less of a challenge...

[girl_ashley]

Sorry, but I am not my parents' son with "something missing" (being post-surgery) or daughter with "something extra" (when I was pre-suregery).  I am their daughter through and through and that's it.  You're the parent and once beyond diaper stage, do you really need to care about the configuration of your offspring's genitals that much still?

[AbraCadabra]

Ashley,
I wish it was that simple as you seem to have it. Maybe for you, ok as you say.

Also, "what we can't feel, we don't understand" (ultimately) that includes us often not understanding the outside world too.

And so your kids have now two mommies? Really?

Well, I can't feel that.

Axelle

[girl_ashley]

What?  Ummm, I don't have any kids and thankfully never will.  I am only my parent's daughter.

Besides, what is wrong with having two mommies?  I have lesbian friends that are raising children.  They have every right to say their children have two mommies as much as the children have the right to say they have have two mommies.  Yes you absolutely can have two mommies.  Sometimes neither donated genetic material, a lot of times only one donated genetic material, and sometimes (I know it's hard for you to grasp) both mommies donate genetic material such as in the case of yours.  There are a lot of trans women these days saving their sperm before they go on hormones or get the surgery.  Then they use their stored semen to fertilize the eggs from her partner. 

I know it's difficult for you to grasp because you raised your children while you were not a woman.  And that's okay that you don't feel that your children have two mommies because yours are probably all grown up now.  Nonetheless, just because you don't feel it that way doesn't de-legitimize other's way of having two mommies.

[Ann Onymous]

And so your kids have now two mommies? Really?

it is no different at its most basic level than if the child was being parented by a lesbian couple...and that goes on every day all over the place. 

I was never married (given State law regarding same-sex marriage) and never had kids of my own.  I was in a long-term relationship with a woman who DID have a child from an earlier relationship but where that child also had no semblance of a father-figure in her life.  The child never knew my history and just viewed it as normal that she had two parents in the house, both of whom happened to be 'mom.' 

As far as my parents go, it was not an overnight adjustment for them, but it came with time.  By the time I hit 30 (several years after transition), they had it down...

Whether what you seem to feel is because you were late onset is not something I can answer...I have no concept of being someone who didn't figure things out until late in life.   

[LilKittyCatZoey]

Wait see Now you bring a good point because to me i am my moms daughter always have been but sadly she has strict gender roles and stuff so to her i might always be her son sad but true. Now for me i was only brought up with my mom dad never came into my life and i dont care because i dont need a male figure in my life it would just make me upset. I think having two mommies would be the best experience a person because mommies know best just saying  i am a firm believer that i will be a mommy and well i dont care if i am les or straight because be it my daughter or son i will love them how ever they are because the pain it causes a child when a parent cant except something is just unspeakable. I think that if your parents never call you their daughter than they arent talking about the real you.

Sorry if i jump from one topic to another so quick

[AbraCadabra]

Yeah as I said: "What you don't feel..."

As a late transitioner, I mentioned in my OP, I was a FATHER to my one kid son, at least that what everyone wanted to see (include me).

I did not cross dress in front of him or such. Now the "kid" is 40, so do you seriously expect him just switching from me being a father to a "two mommies" scenario?
Come on, let's get real for a moment.

That lessie scenario quoted will MAYBE work if the kid was young and brought up in that situation. Not to say that's all there is to it either. Just think school and friends, other folks, etc.

A large majority of us are late and very late transitioners and THAT is the situation where I'm coming from. It applies to a LOT of "us" mostly MtF.

If you have no kids you'll have other issues to tackle – I should guess.

Also I find it jolly interesting that if you transition say in your 40s or so, that your parents would just make that gender-switch with you. Like hey! what took you so long? Oh really?

If they were part and parcel of that decision --- yes, of course, no question then none of what I'm referring to would much apply.
ONLY --- most of us are not that lucky if I look through so many agony posts.

If you never had children it be a tad difficult to have empathy for a 30 - 40 year old son who thinks his FATHER died. (That's me by the way)

Some food for thought?
Axelle

[Joelene9]

  My parents/grandparents are gone.  I am still a brother and uncle to my relatives.  I just didn't want to put that kind of pressure on them. 
  Joelene

[Ann Onymous]

you asked for thoughts on the matter...and of course, now you are adding additional variables to the equation. 

I did not cross dress in front of him or such. Now the "kid" is 40, so do you seriously expect him just switching from me being a father to a "two mommies" scenario?
Come on, let's get real for a moment.

Some people DO have that reality of accepting children...

That lessie scenario quoted will MAYBE work if the kid was young and brought up in that situation. Not to say that's all there is to it either. Just think school and friends, other folks, etc.

It isn't a 'scenario.'  For some of us, THAT *is* our life and we have lived that life.  In my situation, the child entered my life around the age of 7 and I had involvement in her life into her teens and through high school graduation.  Before she was 10, she was willing to stand up for herself if anyone tried to give her grief, and that was despite being in a private school.  Also by the age of 10, she had formed the opinion that people who wanted to protest the right of gay and lesbian people to be parents was "just stupid." 

In other words, for her, it was NOT an issue.  And if others had an issue, she viewed that as THEIR loss, not hers. 

If you have no kids you'll have other issues to tackle – I should guess.

not really...any issues as life got into order that I MIGHT have had were 15-20 years ago.  Now I am just a run of the mill lesbian in her mid-40's.   

[Keaira]

To my parents, I am finally their Daughter. Ironically, my Mum always wished she had a Daughter. I didn't know this until I came out to her.

To my Step-Daughters, its is however, a bit more complex. They saw this past Father's day as my last one. By Next year their Dad will be gone, replaced with.. well, Keaira. And my Son, well... I've tried to explain things to him, but he shuts me out and walks away. So my only option with him is to wait for him to come to me. But as far as I am concerned, if they still want to call me Dad, that's fine. But Mother's Day is a day that I feel should be reserved for my wife, and eventually, my daughters.

[Cassie]

I was quite taken aback by how quickly my parents adapted. I was "daughter" more or less from day one after transition and it seems to come fairly naturally too. There haven't been any slipups either which is great given they're both past 70. They got it quicker than me.

I don't have any kids and I guess never will 

[jillian]

Sorry, but I am not my parents' son with "something missing" (being post-surgery) or daughter with "something extra" (when I was pre-suregery).  I am their daughter through and through and that's it.  You're the parent and once beyond diaper stage, do you really need to care about the configuration of your offspring's genitals that much still?

Amen.   

[JungianZoe]

My mom and stepdad are finally starting to get it (name, pronouns, etc.) after four months.  They're usually the type to not take something seriously until they know it's moving ahead with or without their approval, and though they embraced me when I came out to them back in March, they didn't really start trying on the name and pronouns until my name change got finalized on June 10.  It helped too that I changed my last name to theirs.

As for dad's side, they dropped off the face of the earth when they found out about me (not from me, but from a tattling sister).  They're out of my life and it's better that way.

[AbraCadabra]

Ah, I'm sorry Ann,
...*you asked for thoughts on the matter...and of course, now you are adding additional variables to the equation. * 

I just realized once again: "We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are."

So my OP was missing some parameters (variables?) I'd taken wrongly for grated i.e. late onset, grownup kids, parents that have seen you for too long for what THEY wanted to see. It also includes ourselves as we helped the situation so nicely along until "the last nail broke" and we came out.

That last breaking nail and coming out can be as in my case compared to a major earth quake. Richter-scale 7!
Now go to the West Coast fault line where you get the *big one* that will come one day --- for sure, and everyone there lives in denial. So did I.

1001 reasons to look the other way and that applies for ones family and friends. Once the "big one" happens --- lots of THEM now go into their closet and can not deal with it, can not deal with you being a daughter rather then a son, or a she-dad rather then a father.

Hope I've not added any more variables yet, eh.
Axelle